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Original poster

Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

268 replies

Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:18

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

OP posts:
Waitwhatwhy · 11/12/2021 16:16

I think you need to hear his side properly.
If he went out late to pick his friends up, he’s a good friend.
If he hasn’t been cautioned or charged with anything he could well have been helping break up a fight.

My ds friend was in a cell for 6 hours last weekend before being released without charge, a man had punched a woman and some men had pulled him off, he’d carried on being aggressive to them and ds friend had tried to get help from a bouncer and ended up being locked up with them. It happens.

If you were as happy together as you sound, give him a chance then decide after hearing what he says.

Triphazards · 11/12/2021 16:20

@dottiedodah

Triphazards "Men who hit other men are the same as those who hit women" err since when? So someone going to help their mates out is the same as wife beater ?!
That's a misquote. They are not the "same as."

They are the same men.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 16:21

@Waitwhatwhy

I think you need to hear his side properly. If he went out late to pick his friends up, he’s a good friend. If he hasn’t been cautioned or charged with anything he could well have been helping break up a fight.

My ds friend was in a cell for 6 hours last weekend before being released without charge, a man had punched a woman and some men had pulled him off, he’d carried on being aggressive to them and ds friend had tried to get help from a bouncer and ended up being locked up with them. It happens.

If you were as happy together as you sound, give him a chance then decide after hearing what he says.

This guy's actions don't sound so noble though, do they?

He said it was the others fighting and somehow he ended up in it, I suppose to stick up for them as ‘lads’ do

'Somehow' ended up in it... 'lads' etc. Just sounds juvenile and if OP's guy wants to behave that way he can crack on, obviously. But it would put lots of women off and wouldn't be worth the risk being with an adult bloke who 'somehow' gets in fights on nights out. Especially as she's got a child.

Vapeyvapevape · 11/12/2021 16:23

Do squaddies get put into normal police cells or are they carted off to the military police ?

ShaneTheThird · 11/12/2021 16:25

@Vapeyvapevape

Do squaddies get put into normal police cells or are they carted off to the military police ?
Depends who arrested them if military police then that's where they go if normal civvy police then a civvy cell.
KT727 · 11/12/2021 16:29

@PicsInRed

You paid money and lost time with your daughter...in order to learn some really relevant and useful information about this man, which firmly rules him out as a suitable person to have in you and your daughter's lives.

Money and time well spent IMO.

This is true. Much better to find this out in the way you have than for it to have happened on another day and for you not to have found out about it.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/12/2021 16:30

sounds like too much of a lad,
up to you

Vapeyvapevape · 11/12/2021 16:30

Thank you @ShaneTheThird

billy1966 · 11/12/2021 16:41

Let him reimburse you OP and then dump.

Men that get into fights is not something you need in your life.
Flowers

oakleaffy · 11/12/2021 16:46

@Agghhh
I haven’t read the thread but mentioned this to a young man and his instant comment was
“He’s married”
He said it’s really easy to slip a wedding ring off.
Young bloke isn’t married, he said no bloke would go
“Cold Turkey “ like that normally , if it’s been going well.

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 16:50

[quote oakleaffy]@Agghhh
I haven’t read the thread but mentioned this to a young man and his instant comment was
“He’s married”
He said it’s really easy to slip a wedding ring off.
Young bloke isn’t married, he said no bloke would go
“Cold Turkey “ like that normally , if it’s been going well.[/quote]
Maybe you should read the thread then

oakleaffy · 11/12/2021 16:56

Who trod on your corns!
You aren’t even OP😂

Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 16:56

[quote oakleaffy]@Agghhh
I haven’t read the thread but mentioned this to a young man and his instant comment was
“He’s married”
He said it’s really easy to slip a wedding ring off.
Young bloke isn’t married, he said no bloke would go
“Cold Turkey “ like that normally , if it’s been going well.[/quote]
Did you need someone to tell you it was easy to take a wedding ring off?

Anyway, if you had read the thread you’d know that the man in question says he got into a brawl and was jailed for the night. But apparently it’s okay because he’s a good old army boy and trained to protect, which means he can’t possibly be expected to control himself on a civilian street when his mates get into a fight.

ancientgran · 11/12/2021 16:57

@dottiedodah

Triphazards "Men who hit other men are the same as those who hit women" err since when? So someone going to help their mates out is the same as wife beater ?!
Plus we don't know he hit anyone.
Coffeepot72 · 11/12/2021 17:02

Sleep on it OP, see how you feel tomorrow

Redruby2020 · 11/12/2021 17:02

@MollysDolly

When you say he's spent a lot on you going out/takeaways, what sort of thing are we talking?

If he's paying for nice gestures, thoughtful things, then I'd be worried about where he is, as it seems that's what he likes to do with you.

If he's paying for the takeaways, when you watch telly, then sleep together, or the drinks in the bar (before you go back to his and sleep together), but hasn't spent anything on actual time with you that doesn't lead to "and then sex" then I hate to say it, but he isn't interested in you. And has turned his phone off so he doesn't have to be inconvenienced with you being upset.

You know which of those two he is.

Okay that sort of set up doesn't appear to be what the OP had or wants.

But talking in general terms, why is it wrong if it is what you both want? i.e guy doesn't have or doesn't spend much money, neither does the woman. And it suits you to see them mainly indoors,sex etc. Especially when having been in a difficult long term relationship in the past. And time is limited.

BertramLacey · 11/12/2021 17:07

If he's capable of lamping another man in a pissed-up state, then he's capable of doing it to the (presumably smaller, weaker) OP.

I don't mean this snippily, but perhaps you need to raise your standards. Male violence is never 'forgivable'.

If you don't like male violence, you are basically ruling out dating anyone in the army. Which is fair enough but the OP did know she was dating someone in the army so knew she was capable of dating someone trained to be violent towards other people.

He said it’s really easy to slip a wedding ring off.

I'm intrigued that you needed a man to tell you that. It's not as if they're welded on, although if you buy one when you're young and slim and gradually your fingers swell they can be a bit more difficult.

Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 17:07

*Okay that sort of set up doesn't appear to be what the OP had or wants.

But talking in general terms, why is it wrong if it is what you both want? i.e guy doesn't have or doesn't spend much money, neither does the woman. And it suits you to see them mainly indoors,sex etc. Especially when having been in a difficult long term relationship in the past. And time is limited.*

Well obviously just in relation to this specific case, if the man happily shows up when you can do something convenient followed by immediate sex, then bails on you without a word when you plan something that isn’t quick and easy followed by sex, leaving you in the lurch without even texting, it shows he’s a flaky and unkind person.

If you’re both in it for a casual time that’s a different situation.

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 17:09

Anyway, if you had read the thread you’d know that the man in question says he got into a brawl and was jailed for the night. But apparently it’s okay because he’s a good old army boy and trained to protect, which means he can’t possibly be expected to control himself on a civilian street when his mates get into a fight.

Exactly. They're trained fighting machines, see? Which is why they always smash shop windows in my town centre. They see their reflection and go into combat mode. Literally can't help themselves. Just the thought of it makes my horny!

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 17:11

If you don't like male violence, you are basically ruling out dating anyone in the army. Which is fair enough but the OP did know she was dating someone in the army so knew she was capable of dating someone trained to be violent towards other people.

Hmm. Perhaps if women refused to procreate with violent men, then the world would be a better place? Just a thought.

And you're damned right, I don't like male violence. What do you like about it?

CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 11/12/2021 17:14

[quote girlmom21]@RevolvingPivot because she works full time. She explained that. [/quote]
And as soon as she explained that, as well as admitting she had misrepresented herself with that comment, I apologised for my comment.

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 17:21

@CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal I wasn't responding to you - unless you name changed.

Terfydactyl · 11/12/2021 17:27

@Gwennid

Well there's a huge shortage of decent men out there and I'd give him another chance as he's been ok so far. Only one more chance though and only if he's young enough to change.
No, we should all raise our standards and expect better. Not forgetting OP has a child too. Who with children especially needs this kind of shit in their life. It's not compulsory to have a man/partner in ones life. Rather no one than someone like this.
DillDanding · 11/12/2021 17:27

At least he’s been honest and is not stringing you along.

But he has shown you his true colours and you’re well shot of him.

BoredZelda · 11/12/2021 17:28

Have you asked him to reimburse you for the cost?