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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

268 replies

Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:18

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 11/12/2021 12:47

I’d hold fire on judgment just yet until you know for sure what had happened.

Teeturtle · 11/12/2021 12:49

I would be really annoyed, but if it was somebody that I had been seeing a little while, I would at least wait to find out what happened before making any rash decision.

Sunsetsupernova · 11/12/2021 12:51

I agree it seems odd after you’ve already spent a lot of time together and I’d likely be worried something had happened to him.

Saying that, I was once convinced that a man must have been hit by a bus on his way to our date when he never showed and then years later came across him randomly on Facebook and discovered he had a wife and kids at the time Confused Men never cease to amaze me

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 12:51

OP lots of train companies will let you change the time of your train for a nominal fee. Is there a friend who would go with you last minute or could you drive there and still enjoy the event?

Original poster
Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:54

Agh okay I’ve just had a call aaaand it’s even better than you guessed. He went out to collect friends who’d been out last night (that I do believe) and he ended up getting in a fight and put in the cell for the night. At least he was honest, but he can f right off now

OP posts:
Original poster
Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:54

@girlmom21 do you know if they can do this after the time has passed? I will look into it, thank you

OP posts:
Peanutbuttermandms · 11/12/2021 12:56

@Agghhh sorry to hear this happened to you. What an asshole. How bad must his contribution have been to get banged up for the night? Count your lucky stars this happened and you have an out. I wouldn’t dignify him any further with responses. How did you leave it?

Sparklfairy · 11/12/2021 12:58

Oh wow, what an update. Yeah, drunkenly oversleeping, especially at Christmas, I could possibly forgive, but fighting to the point you're in a cell, no way.

Yuledo · 11/12/2021 12:58

But if his friends that he went to collect, inadvertently got him into a fight and it wasn’t his fault, don’t you think he gets a chance to explain?

fancyfrank1 · 11/12/2021 12:58

Going to be honest but at this time of year I think that's completely true if he's a squaddie!

todaysdilemma · 11/12/2021 12:58

If it's someone you'd been seeing awhile, surely you know whether he was going out on a big one last night or not? When was the last contact you had from him?

My first thought if a man I've been dating doesn't show up and it's unlike him, would be to feel worried and consider something had happened - not assume I'd been ghosted...I would definitely hold fire on making judgement, anyone you're dating deserves the benefit of the doubt until you're conclusively proven wrong.

Do you have any other way to get hold of him? Or know any of his friends you could ask?

tiredisnottheword · 11/12/2021 12:58

@Agghhh oh gosh at least you know now, and hope he reimburses you! Failing that companies seem to be quite flexible at the moment with re-booking things if that’s something you could do?
Sorry this happened. Make sure you have a nice afternoon to yourself.

fancyfrank1 · 11/12/2021 12:58

I'm married to one and there is always trouble with the younger lads this time of year ... one gets involved they all Wade in to help 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Agghhh · 11/12/2021 13:00

@Peanutbuttermandms that’s it, and not the most attractive thing to hear!

The last message I sent was this morning asking him what time he’d be round. I was waiting off saying anything in case something bad happened

I

OP posts:
tiredisnottheword · 11/12/2021 13:00

Also how do you go from picking friends up, to getting in a fight?? Lucky escape OP

Sundancerintherain · 11/12/2021 13:00

Aww, that's shit op.

todaysdilemma · 11/12/2021 13:00

Oh just seen the update - do you have the details of what happened? Could he have been caught up in a crowd but not actually punched anyone, but all hustled into a cell anyway. Definitely doesn't sound great but worth getting his side of the story I guess.

Sonex · 11/12/2021 13:02

And the fact that he called you as soon as he got out says something doesn't it?

I think if you date a squaddie you've got to expect a bit of this haven't you? It's part of the culture - not justifying it, just the way it is and he's in that world and could have been dragged into something?

Paddingtonthebear · 11/12/2021 13:02

Oh dear. At least he has called you but I’d let him go, he sounds like
a liability

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 13:02

and he ended up getting in a fight and put in the cell for the night.

Urgh!! Toss him back. No one needs that sort of shit in their life.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 13:03

I think if you date a squaddie you've got to expect a bit of this haven't you? It's part of the culture - not justifying it, just the way it is and he's in that world and could have been dragged into something?

The great thing is- no one has to date a squaddie.

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 13:03

[quote Agghhh]@girlmom21 do you know if they can do this after the time has passed? I will look into it, thank you[/quote]
I'm not sure but they probably can - especially if they've got unsold tickets. It's in everyone's best interests 🙂 it cost me £10 to change a £70 ticket in the past so definitely worth the ask!

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 13:05

He went to pick up his friends so was sober - and got into such a bad fight he got arrested.

Imagine what could happen when he's drunk? I wouldn't waste your time.

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2021 13:05

Yup. That would be a hell no from me too. Men who get into fights aren't worth your time

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 11/12/2021 13:06

Urgh!! Toss him back. No one needs that sort of shit in their life.

This. You don’t need this drama.

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