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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

268 replies

Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:18

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

OP posts:

llanfairfechan · 11/12/2021 21:06

Find out more about what actually happened, though from what you have shared so far, looks like time to end the relationship.

CPL593H · 11/12/2021 21:07

@Clymene No, she doesn't and if she wants to finish it now, of course she should, no reasons necessary. There have however been an awful lot of posts suggesting that he must be violent and aggressive and there is a chance that he was not to blame. I remember the miners strike in 84 far too well to think that everyone picked up by the police is automatically guilty and have known too many men of the WW 1 and 2 generations to think that a military career will always mean violent, stupid conduct in civilian life.

Of course he could just be a lairy squaddie who mixed it with no thought of his plans for the next day, but none of us know that.

RevolvingPivot · 11/12/2021 21:17

[quote girlmom21]@RevolvingPivot because she works full time. She explained that. [/quote]
That doesn't answer the question.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 21:17

[quote CPL593H]@Clymene No, she doesn't and if she wants to finish it now, of course she should, no reasons necessary. There have however been an awful lot of posts suggesting that he must be violent and aggressive and there is a chance that he was not to blame. I remember the miners strike in 84 far too well to think that everyone picked up by the police is automatically guilty and have known too many men of the WW 1 and 2 generations to think that a military career will always mean violent, stupid conduct in civilian life.

Of course he could just be a lairy squaddie who mixed it with no thought of his plans for the next day, but none of us know that.[/quote]
He's previously spoken 'a lot' about his mates from the barracks getting in fights and has said that this time he 'somehow' got involved which is vague to say the least. I think it's a fair assumption he's not necessarily the noble vigilante that some people have compared him to on here.

Littlepaws18 · 11/12/2021 21:17

My partner is in the army and would never dream of getting into any sort of fight, it massively would impact his career especially as he is in fire arms. This guy is an idiot for getting into trouble with the law and will impact his job. Also you definitely don't want to date someone who has a physically violent job yet clearly can't control his fists. Especially with a young child. Block and delete you has a lucky escape

CPL593H · 11/12/2021 21:32

@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm honestly not giving him a free pass. I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone who thought brawling was OK but I think the fact he went to pick his friends up rather than being "on the night out" has made me wonder if he was the sober person who was not an aggressor. Could be wrong!

shinynewapple21 · 11/12/2021 22:25

@thedancingbear That's what he told you, and you chose to swallow his lie.

This comment to @Crossfitwidow was completely out of order . You do not know her, or her partner. How dare you project your own prejudices on to her life .

Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 23:03

@CPL593H

Before accepting the vilification of every member of the armed forces past present and future as irredeemable cases (complete nonsense) OR letting an aggressive idiot off the hook (very bad idea) it might be worth finding out what actually happened, as far as you can. It is possible to be arrested having done nothing wrong, if trying (for instance) to break up a fight. Maybe it was that, maybe he was an aggressive idiot. We don't know and at the moment, neither do you.

Firstly, how will she ascertain that? He’s hardly likely to say ‘no I was involved actually, love a bit of the old ultra violence when I’ve had a few.’ He’s obviously going to minimise his part in it.

Secondly, why the effort? Why twist yourself in knots trying to hang on to a man you’ve known a short time who stood you up so he could get in a fight and be in prison? Better off just to get rid and find a man who doesn’t get in drunken fights. She has a child to think of too. Outside of anything else, who can be bothered with this palaver when you’re a single mum!

Franklyfrost · 11/12/2021 23:07

Well, at least you learnt that he’s violent and unreliable in a relatively easy way.

camperqueen54 · 11/12/2021 23:41

He sounds like a waster. I'm sure you can do better.

ilovebrie8 · 12/12/2021 10:01

If not continue OP you do it need that and you have a little one to consider...getting into fights and in a police cell nope !! I’d cut contact for good and right off the money as a lesson learnt ...

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 10:44

All these people projecting their own narrative on a situation even the aOp doesn't know fully! Fuck me, I've never seen as many psychics in one place.

My father served 22 years in the army. Loyalty is one of the main positives that came out. They have to trust each other as their lives depend on it. If that means one's in trouble, they will go to help. That's not saying they start the trouble- alot of occasions lads will start on them as soldiers, and they can actually get in more trouble work wise hence why they cna be easy targets.

However no one knows how it started. A women could have been hit. A bloke could have been jumped. Not every situation can be dealt with by a ' come on lads, let's go have a coffee and talk about it'. Especially close to Xmas when all the blokes that don't usually drink pop out for a Xmas do and can't handle their liquor.

Oh and i've gone out with soldiers, I've been out with civvies. It was the civvies that used to be more violent in my experience. And boy, weren't they.

OP in my experience which is based on actual experience and not a load of gossip and headlines, violence isn't a major issue in a relationship with a squaddie. Lots of time away, unpredictable work patterns and to be fair, a drink culture till they settle abit and even after lots of mess parties and stuff. However it is like a little family and there is a lot of loyalty

This may be for you, this may not be but please don't let folk on here that are purely projecting their man hatred without any actual knowledge or reason bar gender make the decision for you

RevolvingPivot · 12/12/2021 10:50

@baileys6904

Agree.

It's not worth it as they will be in trouble with the police and work. They often drink lots to forget things they have seen and then can do stupid things. No one can understand their bond. The job is so unpredictable and your life isn't really your own. I wouldn't recommend a single mum dating a soldier as it isn't a stable life but I know you can't help who you fall for.

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 10:55

Incidentally out of all the squaddie man haters, I take it you still wear a poppy every year? Or did the army hatingsoldier violence only start after ww2?

Just spoke to my OH about this to see if my 'kiship' to the army life has caused me too much of a bias. He reminded me of the tale of him being out on a night out and someone being arrested for no reason other than walking past a fight and trying to break it up. Neither my partner or the other bloke are squaddies by the way. Police don't always get it right unfortunately and have to make quick decisions to descalate situations.

I genuinely think a fact finding mission is needed before a decision is made, but as I said, dating squaddies is not easy, but can be worth it

Samedaysameshit · 12/12/2021 10:59

Sometimes getting into a fight is the right thing to do and not stand and watch.
When I was a student I came out of a nightclub to see a big crowd of people all stood around watching 6 or 7 men stamping and kicking a lad who was curled around a lamppost trying to protect himself.
I jumped in with my friend and pushed them off and got into an almighty fight for my trouble but I did see the lad get up and run away.
So for the people who say I would never tolerate someone who gets into fights I guess you would prefer the one of the blokes who just stands and watches someone get beaten to a pulp.

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 11:00

To be honest, I was a single mum dating a soldier and it suited me down to the ground. I still got lots of quality time with my child while he was at work or away, leave was one big holiday and every second we spent together was concentrated on us as a family and not with the normal life bickering of who puts the bins out or gets up first in the morning. Squaddies know thta it's hard work being in a relationship with them, so a lot ( the good ones) work hard on making sure they do their bit as well.

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 11:02

Absolutely @samedaysameshit.

Said far better than my ramblings lol

thedancingbear · 12/12/2021 11:02

@Samedaysameshit

Sometimes getting into a fight is the right thing to do and not stand and watch. When I was a student I came out of a nightclub to see a big crowd of people all stood around watching 6 or 7 men stamping and kicking a lad who was curled around a lamppost trying to protect himself. I jumped in with my friend and pushed them off and got into an almighty fight for my trouble but I did see the lad get up and run away. So for the people who say I would never tolerate someone who gets into fights I guess you would prefer the one of the blokes who just stands and watches someone get beaten to a pulp.

That’s not what happened though is it?

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 11:02

We don't know yet, do we.

Unless your crystal ball can enlighten us, because even the op isn't aware yet

ancientgran · 12/12/2021 11:26

@baileys6904

We don't know yet, do we.

Unless your crystal ball can enlighten us, because even the op isn't aware yet

But that's spoiling the fun, I mean why stick to what we know when we can decide he's a drunken thug without finding out the full story.

Samedaysameshit · 12/12/2021 11:38

That is exactly what happened.
I pushed the lads off and said alright lads he’s had enough your going to kill him.
There was a brief pause while their tiny brain cells tried to work out what was happening then they started on me.
My friend was hit in the head with a brick , I got a good beating but managed to get away in the end.
Most of it occurring still with an audience.

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 11:41

Good point, well made @ancientgran. How dare we try and grab all the information before making I'll informed, character destroying judgements, on people we expect to defend us at all times, make sacrifices we barely think about and have no knowledge bar that gained from eastenders and the like.

What was I thinking?

Kanaloa · 12/12/2021 14:34

@baileys6904

Incidentally out of all the squaddie man haters, I take it you still wear a poppy every year? Or did the army hatingsoldier violence only start after ww2?

I genuinely think a fact finding mission is needed before a decision is made, but as I said, dating squaddies is not easy, but can be worth it

I don’t wear a poppy ever. I wasn’t alive in world war 2 so unfortunately that’s pretty irrelevant.

It’s nothing to do with ‘squaddie hating.’ If op boyfriend was a plumber or a banker I would still have said don’t hedge your bets with a man who stood you up to get in a drunken brawl and got arrested. It’s not worth it when there’s so many men who don’t do that.

And it’s weird that people are on one hand suggesting that they ‘can’t help protecting each other’ as well as that they ‘drink to forget what they’ve seen’ then on the other hand saying it’s just ‘squaddie hating.’ There’s no reason to excuse violence and it’s odd that it’s almost being suggested that it’s noble and can’t be helped as if they saw their friend getting in a punch up outside a club and suddenly went into soldier mode and absolutely had to join in. It’s a choice, he chose to join in.

Kanaloa · 12/12/2021 14:35

Also, what’s the relevance of the poppy by the pp? As if ‘oh you want soldiers to do their job? Then you can’t complain when the one you’re dating is in a brawl in the streets!’

You don’t owe them excuses for street violence because their job benefits society.

BertramLacey · 12/12/2021 14:44

Incidentally out of all the squaddie man haters, I take it you still wear a poppy every year? Or did the army hatingsoldier violence only start after ww2?

Remembrance Sunday marks the end of World War I. I don't hate squaddies but I have spoken out against male violence on this thread. I can recognise the sacrifice made by everyone in wars whilst also thinking that we should be combatting the violence that leads to it. And whilst I used to wear a poppy I haven't for several years now because it has been appropriated by the far right as a symbol of a quite aggressive jingoism rather than the symbol of peace which it ought to be.

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