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Original poster

Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

268 replies

Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:18

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

OP posts:
justustwoandmoo · 11/12/2021 15:15

@CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal

If you don’t feel you spend much time with your daughter, I’m a little baffled as to why you’ve chosen to spend a weekend with a guy you obviously don’t know very well over her.
What a horrible, judgmental comment. I'll never understand people like you.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 15:16

They are a bunch of morons when they have had a drink.

Is this the kind of bloke you'd want your daughter to end up with?

I would rather mine chose to be with someone who wasn't a moron when they had a drink tbh.

RevolvingPivot · 11/12/2021 15:19

@dottiedodah

NynaneveSedai "I wouldnt touch an Army man with a bargepole ,its a horrible culture!" OK then ,so many husbands/Sons /Brothers who are in the Armed forces are all horrible then? We need someone to fight for our country in times of war,bomb disposal and so on you know! I dont think they are any more "horrible" than say Firefighters,factory workers and so on .Some good some bad every bunch.BTW I am not an Army wife!
I am a marine wife and it's hard enough without people slagging us off.
RevolvingPivot · 11/12/2021 15:21

@ToffeeNotCoffee

His army buddies are the only people in life he trusts. He will tell you it's not like that. It is.

This won't be the first time something will come between you because of his behaviour elsewhere.

I went out with a soldier back when I was single. Nice bloke, but when he was away from his barracks he was like a fish out of water. Anxious and counting the minutes until it was time to go back.

He couldn't get his shit together to spend quality time with his wider family. He was ok around me though. In the end, we just couldn't relate to each other. No harm done.

In short, OP, you will never come first with him. He will ALWAYS be more comfortable around his army friends. That's for life.

Maybe the younger ones are like this but my husband is 40 and it's just like any other job now apart from he works away.
BourbonScreams · 11/12/2021 15:23

Ignore the comments implying you're abandoning your daughter because you planned a day out OP. But I think you're doing the right thing by calling it quits on the relationship. For one thing if I knew my DP sometimes got into fights on nights out I'd be anxious about it every time he went out.

OnlyAFleshWound · 11/12/2021 15:26

This may have been said already but you can generally get a refund on train tickets if you didn't use them at all.

dottiedodah · 11/12/2021 15:27

TheDancingBear .I was simply making the point that as all had been well up to now ,it may just have been a one off .I am very real ,but maybe have had a sheltered life ,as was unaware that male fighting would be the same as beating a defenceless woman! We dont know if these guys were goaded or what the situation was.Arguments happen in the street between young men all the time ! Add the usual suspects ,copious amounts of Alcohol ,Friday Night and so on .

RevolvingPivot · 11/12/2021 15:28

@BourbonScreams

Ignore the comments implying you're abandoning your daughter because you planned a day out OP. But I think you're doing the right thing by calling it quits on the relationship. For one thing if I knew my DP sometimes got into fights on nights out I'd be anxious about it every time he went out.
She said she doesn't get much time to spend with her daughter though? If she's a single mum does she not see her evenings and weekends? If so why did she say that?
Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 15:36

@Justbecause88

Squaddies are notorious for this sort of thing and police know what they are like so react quickly when a group of them. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. As PP have said he might have just been rounded up as part of the group with minimal involvement. Last night was likely their first night of their Xmas leave (my DH is in the Army!), the fact he didn't go out and drink when they would have all been going out says in itself he was looking forward to today. He wasn't going to sit back and watch his mates in a fight and not help, sorry but they are trained to look out for each other and react. He's obviously sorry.
If he can’t stop himself from being involved in a drunken brawl then he’s obviously not the type of man a single mum wants to date. ‘He wasn’t going to watch his mates in a fight and not help.’ Is he a robot? Is he twelve?
girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 15:37

@RevolvingPivot because she works full time. She explained that.

AmyDudley · 11/12/2021 15:38

Yuk - fighting - one of the biggest turn offs ever. Hate this kind of casual male violence that is excused as lads being lads.

tara66 · 11/12/2021 15:39

You may have dodged a bullet here. Is he revealing his true colours re. violence and army mates?

Happy1982ish · 11/12/2021 15:41

Bloody hell

The effort you went to for what was presumably a very early on “dating” relationship!!

Justbecause88 · 11/12/2021 15:46

@Kanaloa I don't know many 12 year olds who are trained to fight and protect and would take a bullet for their mates. In real life i'm sure there are plenty of people who would stand back and watch their friends get hurt though, you are right.

Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 15:50

[quote Justbecause88]@Kanaloa I don't know many 12 year olds who are trained to fight and protect and would take a bullet for their mates. In real life i'm sure there are plenty of people who would stand back and watch their friends get hurt though, you are right. [/quote]
I don’t know many grown men who think they can excuse jumping into drunken brawls because they’re ‘trained to take a bullet for their mates.’ I know plenty of twelve year olds who will try to excuse their own silly and bad behaviour with such weak excuses as ‘I had to protect my mate, that’s why I jumped in the fight.’

It’s not ‘standing back and watching your friends get hurt’ it’s just refusing to be part of drunken and thuggish behaviour. If your friends are regularly partaking in that thuggish behaviour maybe get some new ones.

Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 15:51

Also, excusing this type of stupidity by somehow implying they can’t help it because they’re ‘trained to protect’ is doing a massive disservice to the forces.

Presumably most of them are competent men and women who can control themselves and don’t feel the irrepressible urge to join in street fights and get thrown in jail overnight. I would hope so anyway.

Nowomenaroundeh · 11/12/2021 15:52

That's awful OP sorry your day was ruined. I'd be giving him a miss now too. I hate violence and you've your daughter to think of too. Shame as you clearly liked him.

GreyGoose1980 · 11/12/2021 15:53

I think it’s really hard for us to advise OP as it’s not clear how this situation played out. OP’s DP could have genuinely been picking up his friends when he saw them being set upon by a larger group and felt he needed to step in to break up the fight / protect them. Alternatively he could have been on the piss whilst pretending to OP he wasn’t and also causing trouble himself.

Happy1982ish · 11/12/2021 15:57

@GreyGoose1980

I think it’s really hard for us to advise OP as it’s not clear how this situation played out. OP’s DP could have genuinely been picking up his friends when he saw them being set upon by a larger group and felt he needed to step in to break up the fight / protect them. Alternatively he could have been on the piss whilst pretending to OP he wasn’t and also causing trouble himself.
Either way

It walk sounds like drama that I wouldn’t want my children around

No risks whatsoever when it comes to new relationships and my children.

Simonjt · 11/12/2021 16:00

@BlondeDogLady

Could he have been caught up in a crowd but not actually punched anyone, but all hustled into a cell anyway

No way. Cells are limited and each person arrested takes time to process. Police really don't want to lock people up, and only do so when absolutely necessary!

I spent the night in a cell for helping a friend off the floor after he’d had his cheek bone broken. The person who punched my friend wasn’t arrested.

Friend stated I had done nothing, the two bouncers stated I had done nothing, my friends partner stated I hadn’t done anything. Yet the guy with a bloodied fist was the only person the police chose to believe.

diddl · 11/12/2021 16:01

" OP’s DP could have genuinely been picking up his friends when he saw them being set upon by a larger group and felt he needed to step in to break up the fight / protect them."

What are the chances that he could just step in & stop it all?

There's no excuse imo.

He saw a fight & joined it.

todaysdilemma · 11/12/2021 16:04

@BlondeDogLady

Could he have been caught up in a crowd but not actually punched anyone, but all hustled into a cell anyway

No way. Cells are limited and each person arrested takes time to process. Police really don't want to lock people up, and only do so when absolutely necessary!

My partner is a copper so I would respectfully disagree. There isn't always time to investigate who was involved and what went down so it is easier to get them all chucked in until that can be determined. It has also happened to my father who tried to help a woman being harassed and got beaten up but taken into custody with the lads who were doing it - not released until they managed to get eyewitness accounts.

There's enough examples on this thread too, of others who've been involved or witnessed similar stories.

SirGawain · 11/12/2021 16:06

@Agghhh

Agh okay I’ve just had a call aaaand it’s even better than you guessed. He went out to collect friends who’d been out last night (that I do believe) and he ended up getting in a fight and put in the cell for the night. At least he was honest, but he can f right off now
Sounds to me like a convenient cover story for something else. He doesn't have to produce evidence and you can't check. Also he does not sound like a nice character.
bpirockin · 11/12/2021 16:08

Maybe I've missed something here, but he seems to have done his best to apologise to you. If he was actually fighting, then I'd agree, steer clear, but if he was the person they called on to pick them up late at night and drunk, he is their 'responsible' guy. There is more chance that he was trying to pull one of his drunken buddies away from whatever scrap was going on than actually exacerbating the issue. Police arriving on the scene would have just bundled the lot of them into a van.

He's going to cover the lost costs, yes it's disappointing, but I think I'd be giving him another chance when there have been no other flags. Maybe there was a lesson in there for him, but to be honest, if that was the scenario, then it's a negative that came out of a desirable trait.

Derbee · 11/12/2021 16:10

[quote Justbecause88]@Kanaloa I don't know many 12 year olds who are trained to fight and protect and would take a bullet for their mates. In real life i'm sure there are plenty of people who would stand back and watch their friends get hurt though, you are right. [/quote]
So first you sat “squaddies are notorious for this kind of thing” as though it excuses the situation.

Then (maybe because you’re an army wife?) you imply that getting involved in drunken brawls is admirable, and due to their training and their loyalty.

FFS, the only thing worse than this guy’s behaviour, is all the women making excuses for it, as though toxic masculinity is ok if you’re in the armed forces.

Glad you’re better than this OP, and glad you’ve chosen to put your child first, and not risk immersing her in a world of unpredictable violence and drama that is to be expected, excused and admired because “he’s a squaddie and other people don’t understand”