Page 11 | Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

Agghhh · 2021-12-11T12:18:00+00:00

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc. Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go. I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas. I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together. At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 14:55

My message about the poppy was to all the posters who have blanket hated soldiers based on a stereo type. As I said, no one here yet knows what happened but people are quite happy to point to the soldier cos they're all apparently drunken arseholes that can't control themselves. That based purely on their occupation.

Again, as pp have said, if you disagree with someone jumping into stop someone that's been jumped, or has got between a couple where the man's beating the woman, or have been the victim of police sweeping a situation, then that's on you. We don't even know if the lad threw a punch. So many judgements on half a tale, based either on an occupation or a gender bias.

ancientgran · 12/12/2021 14:55

@baileys6904

Good point, well made *@ancientgran*. How dare we try and grab all the information before making I'll informed, character destroying judgements, on people we expect to defend us at all times, make sacrifices we barely think about and have no knowledge bar that gained from eastenders and the like.

What was I thinking?

We could hang our heads in shame together?

Kanaloa · 12/12/2021 15:09

@baileys6904

My message about the poppy was to all the posters who have blanket hated soldiers based on a stereo type. As I said, no one here yet knows what happened but people are quite happy to point to the soldier cos they're all apparently drunken arseholes that can't control themselves. That based purely on their occupation.

Again, as pp have said, if you disagree with someone jumping into stop someone that's been jumped, or has got between a couple where the man's beating the woman, or have been the victim of police sweeping a situation, then that's on you. We don't even know if the lad threw a punch. So many judgements on half a tale, based either on an occupation or a gender bias.

OP has said he saw all the others fighting ‘and somehow got involved.’ He has talked about ‘the lads’ getting into fights before and feels he has to stick up for them. That’s what op has actually said.

I’m sure if he was a noble hero jumping in to save a woman from a physical attack by a man or save a mugging victim that would have come up. It doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happened. So all these random scenarios where a woman is being beaten by a man in the street and the only possible thing this group of men could do was get involved in a fight to stop it are irrelevant - he has said he saw all his mates in a fight and ‘somehow got involved.’

ChristmasFluff · 12/12/2021 15:09

OP, you've made a really good call, and I really REALLY wish I had made the same decision when this happened to me.

The vast majority of people, even squaddies, don't end up in prison cells after a night out.

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 15:13

Yes kanola, somehow got involved. Doesn't say he hit anyone does it. He might well be a thug or violent, but my point is. Based on the limited information given so far, nobody knows enough to make that judgement

Kanaloa · 12/12/2021 15:15

But it’s what he didn’t say. If you had stood your girlfriend up to be in a cell all night after jumping in to save a woman being attacked (coincidentally at the same time you were collecting a group of ‘lads’ who you have told the girlfriend get in fights) don’t you think that would be mentioned immediately? Rather than weakly saying you ‘somehow got involved?’

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 15:36

Ahhh so you're jumping to the conclusions because he hasn't specified....

Shit, should I tell my oh daily that I haven't cheated as well-wouldn't like him to think I've done something purely on the basis that I didn't tell him I havent

Kanaloa · 12/12/2021 15:39

You just sound silly now to be honest. You can keep twisting yourself in knots trying to think of reasons he might have got in a fight, but when he was asked what happened he didn’t bother to share that he’d actually been jumping in because a woman was being attacked and he had to protect his friends.

Usually the most obvious answer is the correct one. Group of drunk ‘lads’ who op says have gotten in fights before get into a fight and then are all arrested. Pretty unlikely that in fact they had to get into a fight to protect a woman being beaten. Either way op doesn’t owe him a hearing. There are men out there who have never been in jail even for a night - why not just find one of those?

PraiseBee · 12/12/2021 15:45

@Agghhh

Yep, he’s talked a lot about the ‘lads’ at the barracks and I’m aware this happens/they get into fights etc. It’s just frustrating, he knew we was going out today so why take his chances.

It’s probably a case of not wanting to look bad for sitting by and doing nothing

My DH used to be military. Army lads get picked on by civilians when on nights out all the time. It's like Joe Blogs wants to prove how tough he is by taking on a marine. Just one perspective.

gannett · 12/12/2021 17:24

With a token Not All Soldiers caveat... when OP revealed this guy in a drunken brawl was military, I cannot say it surprised me.

I was educated with kids from military families, many of whom went into the forces themselves. A few strong correlations I noticed were:

They were quick to think that physical force was the solution to a problem (including when the "problem" was that they weren't getting their own way)
They were not keen on anyone who didn't conform. Points of differences were a green light to bully other kids. Sorry, "banter" with them as they put it
Very "traditional" moral values. Women, know your place. Non-white students, ditto. There were no out gay students at my school and in light of what these army kids said, I don't blame them

English people bang on about poppies and WW1 to the point of ridiculous tedium but no one ever talks about how enforcing war crimes in the name of empire, colonialism and neo-colonialism are just as much part of the British army's history.

I'm wary of accepting anyone with military connections into my social circle let alone as a partner.

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 18:18

Oh @gannett what a disgustingly offensive post and the discrimination shown is shameful.

So now we are not just attacking people based on their occupation, but also the families of those people now.

I actually can't waste my energy on you.

Keep judging sweetie

PraiseBee · 12/12/2021 18:26

@gannett

With a token Not All Soldiers caveat... when OP revealed this guy in a drunken brawl was military, I cannot say it surprised me.

I was educated with kids from military families, many of whom went into the forces themselves. A few strong correlations I noticed were:

They were quick to think that physical force was the solution to a problem (including when the "problem" was that they weren't getting their own way)
They were not keen on anyone who didn't conform. Points of differences were a green light to bully other kids. Sorry, "banter" with them as they put it
Very "traditional" moral values. Women, know your place. Non-white students, ditto. There were no out gay students at my school and in light of what these army kids said, I don't blame them

English people bang on about poppies and WW1 to the point of ridiculous tedium but no one ever talks about how enforcing war crimes in the name of empire, colonialism and neo-colonialism are just as much part of the British army's history.

I'm wary of accepting anyone with military connections into my social circle let alone as a partner.

your post is wild! The most outstanding people I know are military.

thedancingbear · 12/12/2021 19:03

@gannett

With a token Not All Soldiers caveat... when OP revealed this guy in a drunken brawl was military, I cannot say it surprised me.

I was educated with kids from military families, many of whom went into the forces themselves. A few strong correlations I noticed were:

They were quick to think that physical force was the solution to a problem (including when the "problem" was that they weren't getting their own way)
They were not keen on anyone who didn't conform. Points of differences were a green light to bully other kids. Sorry, "banter" with them as they put it
Very "traditional" moral values. Women, know your place. Non-white students, ditto. There were no out gay students at my school and in light of what these army kids said, I don't blame them

English people bang on about poppies and WW1 to the point of ridiculous tedium but no one ever talks about how enforcing war crimes in the name of empire, colonialism and neo-colonialism are just as much part of the British army's history.

I'm wary of accepting anyone with military connections into my social circle let alone as a partner.

For the sake of balance, this absolutely chimes with my experience.

BertramLacey · 12/12/2021 20:10

Again, as pp have said, if you disagree with someone jumping into stop someone that's been jumped, or has got between a couple where the man's beating the woman, or have been the victim of police sweeping a situation, then that's on you. We don't even know if the lad threw a punch. So many judgements on half a tale, based either on an occupation or a gender bias.

You want evidence and no prejudging, yet you have assumed that he's the hero jumping in to help a put upon woman. You realise that is prejudiced as well?

baileys6904 · 12/12/2021 20:27

@bertramlacey eh? I've given examples where he may have been more justified in getting involved, if he threw a punch at all-a reply to those that have a blanket attitude for fights. Ive put the subjective in previous posts from which this follows

mugglenutmeg · 12/12/2021 20:31

It doesn't matter who you are or what the circumstances...missing date because you've been in a cell overnight for fighting is unacceptable.

Nope, I no wouldn't have this guy around my DD.

Keep your standards high OP, kick this one to the curb!

RevolvingPivot · 12/12/2021 22:41

@gannett

With a token Not All Soldiers caveat... when OP revealed this guy in a drunken brawl was military, I cannot say it surprised me.

I was educated with kids from military families, many of whom went into the forces themselves. A few strong correlations I noticed were:

They were quick to think that physical force was the solution to a problem (including when the "problem" was that they weren't getting their own way)
They were not keen on anyone who didn't conform. Points of differences were a green light to bully other kids. Sorry, "banter" with them as they put it
Very "traditional" moral values. Women, know your place. Non-white students, ditto. There were no out gay students at my school and in light of what these army kids said, I don't blame them

English people bang on about poppies and WW1 to the point of ridiculous tedium but no one ever talks about how enforcing war crimes in the name of empire, colonialism and neo-colonialism are just as much part of the British army's history.

I'm wary of accepting anyone with military connections into my social circle let alone as a partner.

Thanks for that!!

elbea · 13/12/2021 16:48

@gannett imagine talking such absolute rubbish. Stereotyping tens of thousands of men, women and children based on encounters years ago with a few children.

I live surrounded by hundreds of soldiers and their families. I recognise people doing huge things for charities, volunteering to keep you safe and doing things for their communities.

If it helps, before my husband was a squaddie he studied international human rights law to masters at a Russell group uni and then worked around the world helping people. He helped women gain a voice in patriarchal societies, helped ex child soldiers and investigated war crimes. There are many more good people like him than those fighting in the street.

I think it says more about the type of person you are than the children you are judging.