Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

268 replies

Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:18

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 11/12/2021 14:37

Did he go drinking and oversleep maybe?

diddl · 11/12/2021 14:37

He knew he was supposed to meet Op today though so he could have told his mates that he wouldn't be available to pick them up & they'd have to get a taxi between them.

So with a bit of thought it was entirely avoidable imo.

Kanaloa · 11/12/2021 14:38

@Yuledo

But if his friends that he went to collect, inadvertently got him into a fight and it wasn’t his fault, don’t you think he gets a chance to explain?
Nobody needs to give someone a ‘chance to explain.’

Personally, I’ve never been out fighting and spent the night in a cell. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who did that, whether it was ‘his fault’ or whether he had someone else to blame. It wouldn’t fit with my lifestyle.

And in my experience the type of person who does this/is involved with this is usually involved in it repeatedly.

Clymene · 11/12/2021 14:42

He didn't turn up for your day out because he got into a drunken brawl. You have a child and you and your daughter don't need a man in your lives who gets into drunken brawls.

Some of the minimising on this thread is depressing.

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/12/2021 14:45

Your choice, but if you were my daughter I'd be anxious for you and your child if you continued with this man.

He knew he had plans with you, he knew you were treating him, but he made a choice to get out of his car and jump into a brawl the night before. Some would argue that as a squaddie he had to back up his friends, but do you want to be exposed to that toxic culture?

Crossfitwidow · 11/12/2021 14:45

My husband has ended up in a cell overnight due to fighting but he literally waded in to pull his friend out from getting a kick in. He was just rounded up with the rest and that was that. He’s not a bad person or a thug, he was just protecting his mate. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions…

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 14:47

@Crossfitwidow

My husband has ended up in a cell overnight due to fighting but he literally waded in to pull his friend out from getting a kick in. He was just rounded up with the rest and that was that. He’s not a bad person or a thug, he was just protecting his mate. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions…
That's what he told you, and you chose to swallow his lie.
Camembear · 11/12/2021 14:48

Stuff it, tell him you’re not interested any more. You don’t need a man who gets into trouble like that in your daughter’s life.

Now you need to enjoy Christmas with your DD, focus on that.

It’s crap that you lost money today but at least you found out that what he was really like today.

Original poster
Agghhh · 11/12/2021 14:52

@GatoradeMeBitch yes I think as a pp has said, our lives are very different and whilst it may have been unintentional, out lifestyles are clearly not compatible.

He’s been honest so no hard feelings done. Obviously it’s a shame and annoying about the day planned but we can both move on!

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves22 · 11/12/2021 14:55

@Agghhh

He’s sent another message apologising but making his point that it wasn’t unintentional and there was no way he could of let me know.

He said he’s happy to pay be back and doesn’t want this to stop us from seeing each other.

I’m not going to respond for now Confused

Definitely let him pay you back!!! 100% his fault and you should not be out of pocket for his behaviour.
diddl · 11/12/2021 14:57

@Crossfitwidow

My husband has ended up in a cell overnight due to fighting but he literally waded in to pull his friend out from getting a kick in. He was just rounded up with the rest and that was that. He’s not a bad person or a thug, he was just protecting his mate. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions…
The minute he "waded in" though-for whatever reason, he took the decision to become involved in a fight.
Justbecause88 · 11/12/2021 14:59

Squaddies are notorious for this sort of thing and police know what they are like so react quickly when a group of them. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. As PP have said he might have just been rounded up as part of the group with minimal involvement. Last night was likely their first night of their Xmas leave (my DH is in the Army!), the fact he didn't go out and drink when they would have all been going out says in itself he was looking forward to today. He wasn't going to sit back and watch his mates in a fight and not help, sorry but they are trained to look out for each other and react. He's obviously sorry.

Yummypumpkin · 11/12/2021 15:00

@Gwennid

Yummypumpkin Not sure why me being realistic has depressed you, OP probably will give him another chance because he didn't intentionally let her down and she obviously likes him.
No. She actually decided to put herself and her daughter first and her standards aren't that low.
RevolvingPivot · 11/12/2021 15:01

If you don't see your dd often (why) I would have taken her out for the day even before he stood you up. Never choose a man over your child.

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 15:02

@Justbecause88

Squaddies are notorious for this sort of thing and police know what they are like so react quickly when a group of them. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. As PP have said he might have just been rounded up as part of the group with minimal involvement. Last night was likely their first night of their Xmas leave (my DH is in the Army!), the fact he didn't go out and drink when they would have all been going out says in itself he was looking forward to today. He wasn't going to sit back and watch his mates in a fight and not help, sorry but they are trained to look out for each other and react. He's obviously sorry.
Fucking hell, so much apologism for male violence on this thread.
Triphazards · 11/12/2021 15:03

You can accept the repayment and then dump him.

Two bad things-

The prima facie is he made up a lie about being the sober driver. He was on a piss-up and was fighting.

Men who hit other men are the same men who hit women.

dottiedodah · 11/12/2021 15:06

TheDancingBear Firstly the culture will be rather macho drinking a lot and so on.Just because he got in a fight with some of his squaddie chums ,doesnt automatically mean he will hit his wife and child! Of course it doesnt mean he wont either .The OP has stated that to date all has been well in their RL .I was simply saying maybe he deserves a second chance was all. Obv if there was a repeat of anything like this ,or he seemed violent at home .Then kick him down the road! Until then maybe a second chance would be worth it.

Journeynotdestination · 11/12/2021 15:08

Do get your money back from him OP. Has he been decent other than this?

dottiedodah · 11/12/2021 15:08

Triphazards "Men who hit other men are the same as those who hit women" err since when? So someone going to help their mates out is the same as wife beater ?!

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 15:09

@dottiedodah

TheDancingBear Firstly the culture will be rather macho drinking a lot and so on.Just because he got in a fight with some of his squaddie chums ,doesnt automatically mean he will hit his wife and child! Of course it doesnt mean he wont either .The OP has stated that to date all has been well in their RL .I was simply saying maybe he deserves a second chance was all. Obv if there was a repeat of anything like this ,or he seemed violent at home .Then kick him down the road! Until then maybe a second chance would be worth it.
So 'carry on seeing him as it could be a one off, if he hits you or your daughter you can dump him then?'

Fuck that. Are you real?

Do you not understand that men who are violent to other men are also more likely to be more violent to women and kids?

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 15:09

@dottiedodah

Triphazards "Men who hit other men are the same as those who hit women" err since when? So someone going to help their mates out is the same as wife beater ?!
Yep.
WhoAre · 11/12/2021 15:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HollowTalk · 11/12/2021 15:09

He may well have told you the truth simply because he sees it as no big deal. Perhaps he can't understand why anybody wouldn't react the way he did. You're seeing a new side to him. No doubt he will apologise, give you the money back and so on but this will happen again and again.

Justbecause88 · 11/12/2021 15:10

@thedancingbear at what point did I condone male violence? I didn't say him getting involved in a fight was a good thing. They are a bunch of morons when they have had a drink. Do you have any experience of the military at all? I'm sure no one would have an issue if one of these men waded in if they saw someone being attacked on the street. It's the same reaction/instinct. We have no idea what happened and if the squaddies started it or were started on.

Momijin · 11/12/2021 15:14

Let him pay you back and then tell him his lifestyle is incompatible with yours.

Swipe left for the next trending thread