Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

[Agghhh]

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

That would be it for me.

Even if people excuse male violence and drunken fights as “squaddie” or “young man” behaviour, he CHOSE to get involved with a fight, and let you down when you had plans etc.

He’s either lying about being out, in which case he’s not a great prospect. Or he was in his car waiting to pick mates up, and got out of the car sober, to go and involve himself in a drunken fight that he saw kicking off.

There’s just no reason that getting involved in a drunken fight, spending the night in custody, and fucking up all your plans is forgivable.

Yummypumpkin Not sure why me being realistic has depressed you, OP probably will give him another chance because he didn't intentionally let her down and she obviously likes him.

TBH I would give him another chance OP .As a previous PP said upthread ,not too many decent guys about ! He has apologised and reimbursed you.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

More likely version of events was either he was out drinking with his mates and was as much a part of the fight as they were, or his mates started stink eyeing people and called him in to get a piece of the action.

I really hate it when people project like this .

Listen to what he has to say and make your decision then.

If he was sticking up for someone or trying to break the fight up, you may decide to give another chance . You may also decide it's drama you don't need, particularly with your young daughter . Your decision .

Sounds like a plausible excuse but that's all it is.

You can let him pay you back. All of it. ALL of your out of pocket expenses. The next time you meet. For your last date. Which he won't know is the last date until you say goodbye.

OK, he didn't do it on purpose. A night in a police cell because he got involved in a fight when he went to collect some friends ? Not going to derail this thread but it doesn't make sense.

He tried to stick up for his friends and got arrested as well ? They all got taken to the police station by the police. What was he charged with ? Has he been cautioned ? I don't think his boss will be too impressed by this.

He sounds like some street fighter wanna be hero.

I am not going to demonise someone because of what they do for a living but he sounds like trouble.

@Gwennid

Yummypumpkin Not sure why me being realistic has depressed you, OP probably will give him another chance because he didn't intentionally let her down and she obviously likes him.

Maybe because you implied that there are so few men out there that we should all be scrambling to get with the drunken, fighty, fuck up your plans and let you down at the last minute types, because it could always be worse, and god forbid you could not have a man.

Many women are in relationships with kind, thoughtful, respectful and loving men. We’re shouldn’t be a special breed that sets standards and boundaries for ourselves and our relationships. Especially when children are involved.

@Agghhh

Agh okay I’ve just had a call aaaand it’s even better than you guessed. He went out to collect friends who’d been out last night (that I do believe) and he ended up getting in a fight and put in the cell for the night. At least he was honest, but he can f right off now

Honestly you can do better. If you want some kind of settled life with a man, a serving soldier living on base who's a hothead is not ever going to be it.

@dottiedodah

TBH I would give him another chance OP .As a previous PP said upthread ,not too many decent guys about ! He has apologised and reimbursed you.

He doesn’t sound like a decent one either

I’d go easy on him. The police can be very heavy handed with this stuff, very much ‘throw all of them in the cells overnight to sleep it off.’

My brother once saw a group of his employees getting into a fight across the road, he sighed and went over to tell them to stop it, the police arrived just as he reached them and he got arrested with the rest of them.

There’s no reason to assume your partner did anything wrong.

I’m surprised your first thought was ‘have I been stood up’ not ‘is he ok’ and that now he’s obviously had an awful night you seem more worried about your train ticket than about him. 🤔

NynaneveSedai "I wouldnt touch an Army man with a bargepole ,its a horrible culture!" OK then ,so many husbands/Sons /Brothers who are in the Armed forces are all horrible then? We need someone to fight for our country in times of war,bomb disposal and so on you know! I dont think they are any more "horrible" than say Firefighters,factory workers and so on .Some good some bad every bunch.BTW I am not an Army wife!

His army buddies are the only people in life he trusts. He will tell you it's not like that. It is.

This won't be the first time something will come between you because of his behaviour elsewhere.

I went out with a soldier back when I was single. Nice bloke, but when he was away from his barracks he was like a fish out of water. Anxious and counting the minutes until it was time to go back.

He couldn't get his shit together to spend quality time with his wider family. He was ok around me though. In the end, we just couldn't relate to each other. No harm done.

In short, OP, you will never come first with him. He will ALWAYS be more comfortable around his army friends. That's for life.

I've since been told that's for younger guys. So, ok. However, this, 'band of brothers' binge that some of he armed forces (and others) are on is for life.

I don't know any squaddies personally, but I'm sure there are good and bad just like any other group of people.

One thing I do know though is that we owe them a lot and some of the remarks on this thread are disgraceful

I think you perhaps should at least let him tell his side of it properly - and then make a decision.

I have known a few "army lads" and sometimes they would be targeted by local "lads", sometimes they would cause the fights themselves. But if your bloke went there to pick them up, and the fight was already in progress or started shortly after he got there, then I can see he might have waded in to try and break it up and got embroiled in it.
And the police wouldn't have been too bothered about the rights and wrongs of who started it, and who was just trying to help - anyone in the thick of it would have been hauled off, I'm pretty sure. This does happen!

Maybe they just kept them all in the cells to avoid further reprisals and for everyone to cool off and, in the mates' cases, to sleep it off. Your bloke shouldn't have been drinking if he was their lift, but if he was in the thick of it, he'll have still been held just for being part of "causing an affray" or whatever it's called now.

Anyway. Entirely up to you but it sounds like he's doing the right things now - calling you as soon as he could, offering to pay for the tickets to at least partially make it up to you - I'd still give him a hearing and the decide what to do.

@dottiedodah

TBH I would give him another chance OP .As a previous PP said upthread ,not too many decent guys about ! He has apologised and reimbursed you.

I would never let a violent man within a million miles of my kids. Will he apologise when he starts knocking the OP and/or her daughter about?

I don't understand how some women are so willing to tolerate, support and apologise for violent men.

@Skysblue

I’d go easy on him. The police can be very heavy handed with this stuff, very much ‘throw all of them in the cells overnight to sleep it off.’

My brother once saw a group of his employees getting into a fight across the road, he sighed and went over to tell them to stop it, the police arrived just as he reached them and he got arrested with the rest of them.

There’s no reason to assume your partner did anything wrong.

I’m surprised your first thought was ‘have I been stood up’ not ‘is he ok’ and that now he’s obviously had an awful night you seem more worried about your train ticket than about him. 🤔

This is true. When I asked my husband (earlier post where I told how he got caught in a round up outside a club when he was actually a Detective Constable on duty) why he hadn't said who he was he said he'd likely have got hurt so safest was to wait for them to take him to the nearest station (which was his station) where he would be quickly identified.

@Gwennid

I don't know any squaddies personally, but I'm sure there are good and bad just like any other group of people.

One thing I do know though is that we owe them a lot and some of the remarks on this thread are disgraceful

Oh for god's sake. Since when has being in the forces been a valid justification for brawling in town centres?

The only disgraceful thing here has been posters like you sticking up for violent men.

@girlmom21

He went to pick up his friends so was sober - and got into such a bad fight he got arrested.

Imagine what could happen when he's drunk? I wouldn't waste your time.

I was just thinking this.

More likely that he went out got drunk with them and got into a fight with them when they were all drunk. Too weird for him to be stone cold sober, willing to act like a taxi driver and then launch himself at someone.

@dottiedodah

NynaneveSedai "I wouldnt touch an Army man with a bargepole ,its a horrible culture!" OK then ,so many husbands/Sons /Brothers who are in the Armed forces are all horrible then? We need someone to fight for our country in times of war,bomb disposal and so on you know! I dont think they are any more "horrible" than say Firefighters,factory workers and so on .Some good some bad every bunch.BTW I am not an Army wife!

I said the culture is horrible. I did not say the individuals are horrible.

I said the culture is horrible.

I would agree. The culture is predicated on killing people, so it's never going to be rainbows and unicorns. There may be decent individuals, but they will inevitably be affected by it.

I think military towns are a bit like university towns, both full of drunks brawling, one lot squaddies the other lot students. Having worked with both I sometimes think the university town was worse (lots of drunken girls as well as lads).

I thought you can make a phone call from the police station before they put you into the cell. I know some who did recently. But perhaps he didn’t want to call you so late at night.
But yeah lucky escape op!

Backing right off is a great idea. Leave it up to him to win you round, make amends. He’s clearly happy to fight for what he wants. That needs to be you too.

You’re in a much more vulnerable position both emotionally and physically. He has to prove himself to you. You don’t need to convince him of your worthiness by buying trips away etc. Wait and see. Don’t give in too easily.

@Agghhh

Yep, he’s talked a lot about the ‘lads’ at the barracks and I’m aware this happens/they get into fights etc. It’s just frustrating, he knew we was going out today so why take his chances.

It’s probably a case of not wanting to look bad for sitting by and doing nothing

@Agghhh - come on you really believe this?!

I’ve been engaged to a squaddie. Yes they can get drunk and into fights on nights out but this can get them in trouble with their superiors. If he was so bothered about going on your weekend away he wouldn’t be collecting people (he’d stay in barracks) - eg so he’s said to you re collecting but he’s really gone out for a drink instead and lied to you. If he was so bothered about going away with you he’d step away from the fight (and to be in a cell unites police have really targeted him) he’d have to have thrown a few punches.

I’d throw him back to be honest, sounds highly fishy.

I'd reply saying I understand there's nothing he could have done and you're not on bad terms but best to leave it here as your life styles aren't very compatible since you have your daughter to think of.