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Original poster

Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

268 replies

Agghhh · 11/12/2021 12:18

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Agghhh · 11/12/2021 13:07

@todaysdilemma I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him so I didn’t go into it. He said it was the others fighting and somehow he ended up in it, I suppose to stick up for them as ‘lads’ do

I hope I haven’t been out of order now. He did admit it and call straight away, I’m just obviously not in a good mood with him considering I’ve spent all week planning and booking things

OP posts:
CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 11/12/2021 13:07

If you don’t feel you spend much time with your daughter, I’m a little baffled as to why you’ve chosen to spend a weekend with a guy you obviously don’t know very well over her.

MsJaneAusten · 11/12/2021 13:08

@Yuledo

But if his friends that he went to collect, inadvertently got him into a fight and it wasn’t his fault, don’t you think he gets a chance to explain?
No. No-one has to get into a fight, certainly not to the extent they get locked up overnight Hmm
ancientgran · 11/12/2021 13:08

Maybe hear what happened? A young man who was a friend of one of my kids was out with friends, one of them got into a fight over a girl, he tried to break it up and got punched, he went to punch back, the guy ducked and the police officer who had just turned up got punched in the face. He spent a few nights in the cells but it really didn't seem to be his fault, well I suppose he didn't have to punch the man who punched him but I think it was more self defence. In the end he didn't have to go to court, I think when they looked into it his story was believed.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 13:08

He said it was the others fighting and somehow he ended up in it, I suppose to stick up for them as ‘lads’ do

“It wasn’t me sir, I was just holding the cigarette”

A likely story Op. take it with a massive pinch of salt.

shakingmytambourineatyou · 11/12/2021 13:09

Shame. If you really like him and you believe what's happened, you could say he has to re book and pay and give him another chance. Unless the fighting is a complete no!

Sunsetsupernova · 11/12/2021 13:09

I don’t think you owe him anything. That’s not the type of behaviour you want to bring into your daughters life

todaysdilemma · 11/12/2021 13:10

Not defending his behaviour at all as I don't know the circumstances. But just to say, my dad who was the gentlest man alive and didn't even drink, once got into a punch up because a bloke was harassing a woman and when my dad intervened, he and his mates railed against him. They all got taken into custody until the police could get eye witness accounts and CCTV to see what had happened and obviously my dad was released with no charge. So not always necessary they need to be a violent hooligan to get chucked into a cell for a brawl!

Original poster
Agghhh · 11/12/2021 13:11

@cristinaYangismySpiritAnimal

I’ve probably given the wrong impression there. I’m a lone parent to DD so I have her 24/7. I very rarely go out so it is often much needed when I can. I just meant I work full time, so i wouldn’t choose to get her looked after if it meant that I would spend time with her instead

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 11/12/2021 13:12

How bad must his contribution have been to get banged up for the night?

Sometimes they just round up all nearby and sort them out later. One of the younger lads who worked for us got arrested going to the aid of a policeman who was being assaulted. More police turned up and arrested all the lads there, fortunately there was video and the original officer confirmed he had been trying to help, still got a night in the cells and a thump.

Maybe he was at fault maybe he wasn't.

Campfirewood · 11/12/2021 13:13

I once got specific train tickets changed at the station when the ticket lady took pity on me, worth a try Op. Maybe don't mention the police bit!

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 11/12/2021 13:13

I think you should listen to his side of the story. It doesn't sound like he did it deliberately. He could just have been caught up in the fight and the police tossed him in with the rest of the squad. The police are more zero tolerance this time of year. Understandably you are annoyed as the wkend is ruined, but don't give up on him just yet.

PicsInRed · 11/12/2021 13:13

You paid money and lost time with your daughter...in order to learn some really relevant and useful information about this man, which firmly rules him out as a suitable person to have in you and your daughter's lives.

Money and time well spent IMO.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 13:15

More likely version of events was either he was out drinking with his mates and was as much a part of the fight as they were, or his mates started stink eyeing people and called him in to get a piece of the action.

MatildaIThink · 11/12/2021 13:15

[quote Agghhh]@MikeWozniaksMohawk unfortunately only for that specific train, I wish I’d got the flexible ones now but I’d never of thought this would of happened.[/quote]
If you never made the trip you can often claim a refund even if the tickets are not flexible. There are Ts and Cs but they are remarkably flexible and often the people in the ticket counter will exchange them for other tickets even when not technically allowed.

www.nationalrail.co.uk/times_fares/ticket_types/ticket_refunds.aspx

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 13:16

@PicsInRed

You paid money and lost time with your daughter...in order to learn some really relevant and useful information about this man, which firmly rules him out as a suitable person to have in you and your daughter's lives.

Money and time well spent IMO.

This.
girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 13:17

He could just have been caught up in the fight

And he could have just sat and waited in his car.

BeanyBops · 11/12/2021 13:17

How old is he? I remember being in my early 20s and there was quite a fight culture amongst groups of young men on nights out. They'd all just get drunk (and/or coked up) and emotional and that would turn into fights with other men over stupid things, and if one of their mates got into it with someone then they of course would be obligated to get involved and help him out.

It is and always has been stupid, but if he is young and there's this squaddie culture that magnifies things then I can sort of see this not being unforgivable. Especially if he's not actually charged with anything or he's never done this before.

However can confirm that an older man should know better. And by older I literally mean late twenties. I'm mid 30s now and would be absolutely disgusted if an actual grown up adult man did any of the above.

collybubble · 11/12/2021 13:18

What a numpty OP. Get him to refund the money you spent but you're well rid of him

Crinkle77 · 11/12/2021 13:18

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

More likely version of events was either he was out drinking with his mates and was as much a part of the fight as they were, or his mates started stink eyeing people and called him in to get a piece of the action.
I think he was out drinking too.
Yummypumpkin · 11/12/2021 13:18

This is surely a no?

I mean just...no.

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 13:19

He's a scumbag, OP. You're well rid.

Typical violent male, unfortunately.

BigFatLiar · 11/12/2021 13:20

@PicsInRed

You paid money and lost time with your daughter...in order to learn some really relevant and useful information about this man, which firmly rules him out as a suitable person to have in you and your daughter's lives.

Money and time well spent IMO.

Depends what happened.

Drunken brawl? - no thanks

Went to help a friend who was being assaulted? - depends if you'd rather he walked away and left them to it or tried to help.

If he's a squaddie living in barracks he's probably got lots of 'lads' type mates. It depends if he wants to put you first and spend time with you instead.

thedancingbear · 11/12/2021 13:22

@BeanyBops

How old is he? I remember being in my early 20s and there was quite a fight culture amongst groups of young men on nights out. They'd all just get drunk (and/or coked up) and emotional and that would turn into fights with other men over stupid things, and if one of their mates got into it with someone then they of course would be obligated to get involved and help him out.

It is and always has been stupid, but if he is young and there's this squaddie culture that magnifies things then I can sort of see this not being unforgivable. Especially if he's not actually charged with anything or he's never done this before.

However can confirm that an older man should know better. And by older I literally mean late twenties. I'm mid 30s now and would be absolutely disgusted if an actual grown up adult man did any of the above.

If he's capable of lamping another man in a pissed-up state, then he's capable of doing it to the (presumably smaller, weaker) OP.

I don't mean this snippily, but perhaps you need to raise your standards. Male violence is never 'forgivable'.

Original poster
Agghhh · 11/12/2021 13:23

Yep, he’s talked a lot about the ‘lads’ at the barracks and I’m aware this happens/they get into fights etc. It’s just frustrating, he knew we was going out today so why take his chances.

It’s probably a case of not wanting to look bad for sitting by and doing nothing

OP posts:
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