Paid for a date and now he’s vanished - have I been stood up?

[Agghhh]

Today I had booked a trip for myself and someone i’ve been seeing for a while. I agreed to pay for most of it this time as he’s spent a lot on me the other times we’ve been out/had takeaways etc.

Anyway, train was booked for 12, we was talking about it yesterday. I told him what time to be at mine and what time the things were booked for, he said that was fine and seemed excited to go.

I’ve driven 2 hours there and back to get my DD looked after and got ready. I could see he hadn’t been online on WhatsApp so dropped him a message to confirm everything was okay… aaaand I’ve had no response. Obviously we can’t go now because we’ve missed the time slot for the train. I was really looking forward to it and spent a lot of time booking things so we could have a really nice time before Christmas.

I don’t think I’ve been blocked as I’ve called on a different phone (he doesn’t have that number) and it’s not going through either, so it seems like his phone isn’t on all together.

At the moment I feel like a bloody mug. Not only have I wasted a decent amount of money just before Christmas that I really didn’t need but I’m now at home with nothing to do, when I could have spent the weekend with DD as I don’t get to spend much time with her as it is. He’s always seemed really interested and this hasn’t happened before so I don’t really know what to think. Have I been stood up or has something else happened? Please someone help to cheer me up a bit :(

Has he offered to reimburse you? You're out of pocket because he behaved like an arse.

Sounds like a lucky escape - sorry you've had such a rubbish day. You sound lovely and deserve better. Hope you have a nice Christmassy evening and treat yourself to something (even if a bath and some chocolate!)

@Agghhh

Yep, he’s talked a lot about the ‘lads’ at the barracks and I’m aware this happens/they get into fights etc. It’s just frustrating, he knew we was going out today so why take his chances.

It’s probably a case of not wanting to look bad for sitting by and doing nothing

the idea of getting into a relationship with someone who you know regularly gets into drunken fights just doesn't compute with me. I can barely believe people do it.

Yep, he’s talked a lot about the ‘lads’ at the barracks and I’m aware this happens/they get into fights etc.

Ahhh come on OP! You knew this about him and carried on dating in? You know when he talks about the lads getting into fights- that means him too, right? You have a child. And even if you didn’t, why would you want to be with someone who regularly gets into fights? how is that attractive?

It would be a 'no' from me. I don't care what the 'reason' is - the police don't lock people up in a cell for nothing. Speaking from experience. Too much paperwork involved - and resources are scant - to lock up people who they aren't pretty certain were in the wrong.

And how come he couldn't get a message to you before, knowing the organising and cost that had gone in to this?

My husband just reminded me of when he got arrested outside a club, van load of officers arrived to round up the rowdy drunks. He was paraded into the local police station and the arresting officer presented him to the custody sergeant with a charge of drunk and disorderly. Sergeant looked up and said, "Evening DC Ancient, busy out there tonight." DH replied that it had been interesting. He was then released.

He was the night DC who happened on the fight before the others arrived.

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

At least you found out what happened but in your situation I wouldn't be able to rely on a man still immature enough to get into fights, his behaviour has let you down and wasted your time, not on when you have to arrange a two hour drive for your daughters child care, no man is worth it until you know and trust them really well.

OK, so he couldn't contact you. That wasn't his fault, I'd forgive that.

But getting involved in a brawl like this, and seeing it as normal? Just because you're in the army doesn't mean you have to get into a punch up every weekend in your spare time.

Is that someone you want as a potential influence on your DD at some point?

I'd toss him back. Not for missing the train/the day out, but for treating this sort of violence as normal. He sounds very much like the sort of man that the army has ruined.

Sorry but he sounds like a loser - dump and run IMO.

@Leftbutcameback thank you, that sounds lovely. I think I’ll go and get some of DDs presents whilst she’s not here so it’s not a complete waste

In response to other PPs, he has spoken about the other ‘lads’ getting into trouble. I’ve not once heard about him being in fights or got that impression from him. He seemed like a very decent guy (I know army lads have a bit of a reputation) and he’s always treated me well. Obviously I don’t think highly of him now so it’s best we give it a miss and forget it

Dump.
This sort of thing will be going on all the time. If it's not getting into fights it will be going out regularly with the "lads" and getting drunk and hungover.
You've got a DD to think of

In response to other PPs, he has spoken about the other ‘lads’ getting into trouble. I’ve not once heard about him being in fights or got that impression from him

Well who was the one telling you the stories? Was it someone impartial? Or was it him, trying to ensure he got another date? Wake up.

I'd also want to know why he didn't ask someone to call you and let you know ahead of time where he was. He would have been entitled to have someone told he was in custody, and if he had done that, at least you wouldn't have been sat there worrying, and could have decided if you wanted to go without him.

I have to say if this was anyone other than a squaddie i would think “likely story you’re up to your eyes in shit Mr”, but knowing loads of soldiers, this sounds entirely plausible! They tend to get “picked on” when out and wade in to help younger, dafter ones as PP said, so I would hear him out. However, if it’s the sort of thing that totally puts you off and you won’t stand for - totally acceptable- a squaddie probably isn’t the man for you. While not a regular occurrence, it’s unlikely this sort of thing is a total one off either.

Well there's a huge shortage of decent men out there and I'd give him another chance as he's been ok so far. Only one more chance though and only if he's young enough to change.

@Gwennid

Well there's a huge shortage of decent men out there and I'd give him another chance as he's been ok so far. Only one more chance though and only if he's young enough to change.

Very depressing. And I suppose if men get worse we will just lower the bar accordingly because we couldn't just be single and happy, could we?

Could he have been caught up in a crowd but not actually punched anyone, but all hustled into a cell anyway

No way. Cells are limited and each person arrested takes time to process. Police really don't want to lock people up, and only do so when absolutely necessary!

@IncompleteSenten

Don't think of it as wasted money. Think of it as your contribution to the dates he paid for. I know it's not but if you chuck it (mentally) into that pot you might feel better about that aspect of it.

That's what I would have said.

There is another thread on here about army drinking culture.....interesting

I'm sorry this happened OP, but better now before you get too invested.

He’s sent another message apologising but making his point that it wasn’t unintentional and there was no way he could of let me know.

He said he’s happy to pay be back and doesn’t want this to stop us from seeing each other.

I’m not going to respond for now

Sorry, that should say it was unintentional

I wouldn't touch an army man with a barge pole tbh. It's a horrible culture.

I’m just obviously not in a good mood with him considering I’ve spent all week planning and booking things

Aren't you just cutting off your nose to spite your face here? I don't understand why you didn't just go anyway instead of sitting at home alone now. If you've spent all this time planning and booking, just go! Find out how much it will cost to change your ticket and get out and do something rather than brooding at home.

It's unfortunate what's happened but maybe not all that surprising given it's one of the last Fridays before Christmas. After last year's lockdown, lots of people seem to be going on complete benders this year. You don't know the full circumstances yet. He could have been defending one of the younger guys. Still not great but maybe par for the course given what he does for a living.

@Agghhh

Sorry, that should say it was unintentional

It wasn't intentional... getting locked up and being unable to contact you?

Has he at any point apologised for getting in a fight, or just for the repercussions?

[quote Agghhh]@cristinaYangismySpiritAnimal

I’ve probably given the wrong impression there. I’m a lone parent to DD so I have her 24/7. I very rarely go out so it is often much needed when I can. I just meant I work full time, so i wouldn’t choose to get her looked after if it meant that I would spend time with her instead[/quote]
In which case I apologise completely and take back my comment. Sorry for the snarkiness.

Have you ever been out overnight with him before? Weekends etc?

Have you been to his home or does he live full time at the barracks?