Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

[NAMALTthoughprobablyare]

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

Real rape =terrible invasion of a real person, abhorrent.
Fantasy rape- symbolises, for well balanced people, wresting /relinquishing control.
There are sick individuals out there who equate the two in their minds and want to make fantasy reality, but for most the two things are completely different entities.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I've never discussed my fantasies with anyone. They are dark. And they are no one's business and I would be judged for them, which based on what I am seeing here is a correct assumption. I actually feel sorry for the guy openly sharing something about himself and now he'll be dumped for it. Just bollocks.

I mean he didn’t have to tell his sexual partner in detail about how he fantasises about murdering people so he can kidnap and rape a woman who is ‘crying and protesting.’ Most normal people know that’s a weird thing to say out loud and that it could make others feel uncomfortable.

He didn’t even try to ease it in or anything, just a whole detailed plot. I don’t necessarily thing there’s an issue whereby he actually wants to rape people - you only need to look at porn/erotica/erotic fan fiction to know people have insane sexual fantasies that they are likely not acting out - but he chose to share it with someone knowing it’s weird and likely to creep somebody out. Regardless of the moral implications it would just put me off.

Using that logic then then topcats are we saying that people who have sexual fantasies about children but don't physically act it out aren't paedophiles??

And everyone else who minimised this are we saying that men who fantasise about sexual contact with children are no threat because they're "only fantasies"??

There’s a difference between someone placing themselves as a victim in a fantasy, where it’s kept in their mind and are actually perfectly safe and fully in control, and someone who has a fantasy about hurting others.

I don’t know why people feel the need to defend violent rape and murder fantasies by saying some women have fantasies about being over powered. Like that makes it ok, or suggests it’s the same thing.

There’s a difference between someone placing themselves as a victim in a fantasy, where it’s kept in their mind and are actually perfectly safe and fully in control, and someone who has a fantasy about hurting others.

I don’t know why people feel the need to defend violent rape and murder fantasies by saying some women have fantasies about being over powered. Like that makes it ok, or suggests it’s the same thing.

Oh my freaking god there is absolutely nothing wrong with him fantasising whatever it is he fantasises, and it doesn't mean that he'd actually rape someone on wants to, OR that he's some deranged disturbed person who can't be trusted and will one day either rape someone or do something equally as bad. Christ sakes it's like a lot of you are just seriously stretching to find reasons why his fantasy makes him terrible, and if you can't do that then you have to stretch further and pull the "well he didn't have to go into that much detail! That in itself means he must be basically a horrible man who raises many red flags!"

@Splaaaash

Oh my freaking god there is absolutely nothing wrong with him fantasising whatever it is he fantasises, and it doesn't mean that he'd actually rape someone on wants to, OR that he's some deranged disturbed person who can't be trusted and will one day either rape someone or do something equally as bad. Christ sakes it's like a lot of you are just seriously stretching to find reasons why his fantasy makes him terrible, and if you can't do that then you have to stretch further and pull the "well he didn't have to go into that much detail! That in itself means he must be basically a horrible man who raises many red flags!"

It's perfectly acceptable for women to not want to have sex with someone who fantasises about rape. Or murder. Or both, in this guys case.

It's perfectly reasonable for some, probably most, women to find that if not a concern then a huge turn off.

Your post seems to be bashing women for having and asserting boundaries when it comes to who they choose to have sex with. Which seems like a strange thing for you to be angry with women for.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm not saying it's unreasonable to be turned off by what someone's fantasies are, or to have boundaries or to not want to have sex with someone because of their fantasies or any other reason, neither am I bashing/angry with women or men for those things

I AM saying that the guy seems to be being bashed for his harmless fantasy and a lot of posters seem to be thinking there's something wrong with him for having that rape fantasy. It's fine him having that fantasy and it's fine her not liking it, but there seems to be major judgement of his character about it

Oh my freaking god there is absolutely nothing wrong with him fantasising whatever it is he fantasises, and it doesn't mean that he'd actually rape someone on wants to, OR that he's some deranged disturbed person who can't be trusted and will one day either rape someone or do something equally as bad.

@Splaaaash What do you think people who go on to kill and rape fantasize about?

there seems to be major judgement of his character about it

People of the character of killers and serial rapists have these fantasies, so it's not a complete reach. It is a risk to carry on being involved with this person.

People of the character of killers and serial rapists have these fantasies, so it's not a complete reach. It is a risk to carry on being involved with this person

I agree and frankly I'm shocked at the amount of women minimising or denying that.

I agree and frankly I'm shocked at the amount of women minimising or denying that.

@Closetbeanmuncher It shows how much this stuff has been normalized.

@me4real

I agree and frankly I'm shocked at the amount of women minimising or denying that.

@Closetbeanmuncher It shows how much this stuff has been normalized.

Maybe it shows that the women-are-allowed-to-choose-their-sexual-partners principle cuts both ways.

I mean, womenn can choose to hang out with a bloke with red flags showing he could be a potential killer and rapist if they want. But it doesn't tend to be advised.

@Newpandrawer I mean, women can choose to hang out with a bloke with red flags showing he could be a potential killer and rapist if they want. But it doesn't tend to be advised.

[quote me4real]@Newpandrawer I mean, women can choose to hang out with a bloke with red flags showing he could be a potential killer and rapist if they want. But it doesn't tend to be advised.[/quote]
Agreed

[quote Splaaaash]**@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm not saying it's unreasonable to be turned off by what someone's fantasies are, or to have boundaries or to not want to have sex with someone because of their fantasies or any other reason, neither am I bashing/angry with women or men for those things

I AM saying that the guy seems to be being bashed for his harmless fantasy and a lot of posters seem to be thinking there's something wrong with him for having that rape fantasy. It's fine him having that fantasy and it's fine her not liking it, but there seems to be major judgement of his character about it[/quote]
I would suggest that a man who fantasises about rape is more likely to want to also act on those fantasies in real life.

That is not to say everyone who has that fantasy will do so. But many women, myself included, wouldn't be willing to take the risk.

Your posts are quite insensitive to women who have shared their stories from the POV of victims of sexual violence. Being flippant about this kind of topic isn't a great move.

To be clear:

I would suggest that a man who fantasises about rape is more likely (than men who don't) to want to also act on those fantasies in real life.

Your posts are quite insensitive to women who have shared their stories from the POV of victims of sexual violence

@youvegottenminuteslynn Exactly. I did the Freedom Programme and still go along to stuff run by the great facillitators there. I can just imagine what they would say about this, as women who teach women about the behaviours of abusers and how to avoid future abusers.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

To be clear:

I would suggest that a man who fantasises about rape is more likely (than men who don't) to want to also act on those fantasies in real life.

That's just your theory. I don't believe there is any evidence to support that theory.

Also I would say that among men who fantasise about rape there are also categories within that,
There would be men who share the fantasises and are open about them and want to act them out with a WILLING participant who is also into the fantasy and who would know that they are actually safe and can use a safe word etc. or there could be men who might fantasise about literally grabbing a woman off the street and violently raping her...and who actually get the urge to do that but never admit that to anyone!

Your posts are quite insensitive to women who have shared their stories from the POV of victims of sexual violence. Being flippant about this kind of topic isn't a great move.

I've been raped and don't find that posters posts offensive. I find others far more offensive when they talk about the signs to try to avoid being with a rapist in future.
Many victims of rape are hyper vigilant about the people they sleep with in future and about sexual safety, many will role-play rape and they trust their sexual partners..
and people are essentially telling them not to trust their own gut feeling or feeling of safety with that particular man!

@Closetbeanmuncher

Using that logic then then topcats are we saying that people who have sexual fantasies about children but don't physically act it out aren't paedophiles??

They're not the same at all.

Having sexual fantasises about children means they are sexually attracted to children, they ARE paedophiles.

Paedophilia is a disordered sexual orientation, not a fetish/fantasy or kink.

That's just your theory. I don't believe there is any evidence to support that theory.

@user1481840227 Oh come on, people who go on to murder and rape strangers etc must think about it before they do it, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

Therefore, among people who fantasise about murder and rape, there will be a few people who go on to be murderers and stranger rapists.

I find others far more offensive when they talk about the signs to try to avoid being with a rapist in future.

I'd say those are pretty useful things for women to bear in mind. Look out for red flags, be vigilant. Far from being offensive, there's nothing better than that sort of knowledge.

people are essentially telling them not to trust their own gut feeling or feeling of safety with that particular man!

Trust your gut feeling but also keep an eye out for red flags, too.

@me4real

That's just your theory. I don't believe there is any evidence to support that theory.

@user1481840227 Oh come on, people who go on to murder and rape strangers etc must think about it before they do it, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

Therefore, among people who fantasise about murder and rape, there will be a few people who go on to be murderers and stranger rapists.

I find others far more offensive when they talk about the signs to try to avoid being with a rapist in future.

I'd say those are pretty useful things for women to bear in mind. Look out for red flags, be vigilant. Far from being offensive, there's nothing better than that sort of knowledge.

people are essentially telling them not to trust their own gut feeling or feeling of safety with that particular man!

Trust your gut feeling but also keep an eye out for red flags, too.

Of course there's people who go on to rape and murder who have thought about it. Those people are part of the second category I mentioned, the ones that actually have urges to grab women off the streets. I should have expanded further...because I do believe that that category, (the ones who actually have urges to do it to a random stranger and not a willing role playing partner) absolutely can and do go on to be rapists in some cases....and that it's far more likely that they do than the other category.

Of course women should bear red flags in mind. The things the OP listed in her OP in the first paragraph are the most important ones. For me anyone who didn't immediately respect a boundary I had would be gone immediately.

But we know when we feel comfortable with people, that is the most important thing. We know when people are a bit off. Victims of abuse (no matter what kind) can also be hyper sensitive to red flags and question lots of things...even a man being extra nice to you for example, it's harder to trust...so it's patronising to imply that people that don't automatically see fantasies as red flags are just ignoring red flags!

Realistically, lots of people have fantasies that are violent or otherwise not PC.

These fantasies take place in their head and never make it into real life in any way shape or form.

I'd really question the judgment of a man who thought it was ok to tell you this fantasy. Doesn't he understand that it's not appropriate?

I would ditch him OP, on the basis of (a) his lack of judgment, (b) the fact you now have the ick and (c) the fact he is only a fwb.

Literally speechless on this one ☝️