Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

[NAMALTthoughprobablyare]

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Most rape fantasies don't involve beating a woman black and blue!!

But some will. And even if they don't, it sounds as if to you sexual violence is acceptable as a fantasy but other physical violence such as beating a woman black and blue would be a fantasy you felt was too extreme for you to feel comfortable with if a partner shared it. Other people feel that way about rape fantasies. It doesn't make them judgemental in a negative way, it just means they have boundaries that are different to yours.

A woman getting beaten black and blue would be physically injured and harmed. With most consensual rape fantasies there is no injury or intent to injure.

I think it's absolutely fine for people to have different boundaries than I have, people ARE being judgemental in a negative way.

@Closetbeanmuncher

Most rape fantasies don't involve beating a woman black and blue!!

Oh yes silly me in this one he murdered people my bad. I'm sure potential rapists with their fluffy fantasies treat their victims with the upmost care.

I asked you if you think that men who fantasise about hurting women and get off to that are a risk to women and you refuse to give a straight answer.

It's a reality that for some individuals a fantasy can be a gateway to acting out a sexual impulse.
That isnt a weak and lazy argument it's a fact.

I hope to god no men are reading this thread and being validated that this shit is acceptable.

No I did not refuse to give you a straight answer, You are muddying the waters by bringing paedophiles into it when asking your question meaning I have to keep explaining why it's not the same.

I think men who fantasise about hurting women can be a risk to women yes. Most rape fantasies are not about hurting women though.

And don't you DARE try to make out that me having an opinion on this could somehow validate rapists ideas. VILE!

*me sharing my opinion on this I mean.

I've seen you do this on threads before. Writing horrible stuff designed to shut people up because they won't agree with you. It's vile.

Sabine women fantasies are pretty common I'd have thought: Almost every 'romance' movie from the 50s to the 70s has a woman who isn't consenting being kissed hard and then realising her true feelings and falling for the protagonist
Every James Bond, for example. Overlay that with the graphic violence in everything over the last 20 or so years and being a macho antihero whom the girl can't resist or falls for against her better judgement isn't even that unexpected.
In your situation I'd make it clear that violent fantasy isn't something you would be interested in exploring and then make your own decision about whether you want to move forward.

With most consensual rape fantasies there is no injury or intent to injure.

But of the men who fantasise about rape, some will fantasise about rape that is non consensual (the definition of rape) throughout. Which clearly includes injury and intent to injure in a myriad ways.

I'm finding this quite triggering and upsetting so I'm not sure why I'm engaging but I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.

You've been as judgemental about women saying this is a hard no and would make them scared of a bloke as you say they are by being scared of that bloke. I don't really get it.

As I say, will agree to disagree on this.

'True feelings' should have been in quote marks for emphasis.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

With most consensual rape fantasies there is no injury or intent to injure.

But of the men who fantasise about rape, some will fantasise about rape that is non consensual (the definition of rape) throughout. Which clearly includes injury and intent to injure in a myriad ways.

I'm finding this quite triggering and upsetting so I'm not sure why I'm engaging but I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.

You've been as judgemental about women saying this is a hard no and would make them scared of a bloke as you say they are by being scared of that bloke. I don't really get it.

As I say, will agree to disagree on this.

No if it's a hard no for a woman in the situation then that's absolutely fine. We all decide what we are comfortable with.

It's painting him as a rapist and then telling other women that they'd be fools to ignore the red flags that is offensive and triggering for me!

Most rape fantasies are not about hurting women though.

Don't you think rape harms those who are raped @user1481840227 ?

It's painting him as a rapist and then telling other women that they'd be fools to ignore the red flags that is offensive and triggering for me!

In some of our opinions, a man saying he fantasises about raping and murdering people is a red flag.

It would be potentially dangerous to ignore it ( this is a fact- the occasional wrong'un exists and this bloke could potentially be one of them, however low the risk. )

Knowing that, I (and I imagine others) consider not telling a woman in @NAMALTthoughprobablyare 's position this, would be wrong, as we would be not doing anything to stop her being potentially raped. That's pretty major.

So of course we have to say it, it'd be wrong not to.

As NAMALT has said, part of it could be how he said it. Though a bloke saying it could be bad enough.

@Aquamarine1029

The fact that he told you all this is the really alarming part, imo. Some shit should stay firmly in your own head.

Agreed. It's concerning he even shared that. The control part of fantasy I get. But to add murder and rape is extreme and a red flag.

Yes I do think rape harms those who have been raped. I've been raped myself. but even if I hadn't been I obviously know that rape causes harm. I'm not going to reply to those nonsensical questions anymore because you know I am referring to rape role play (ACTING AND CONSENSUAL) and not actual rape ffs!

Rape role play is NOT the same as rape. Stop equating the 2.

@CherryAndAlmond

What scares me about some of the replies on here is that some posters genuinely seem to believe that this man should be judged on the content of his thoughts. That is a terrifying road to go down.

Clearly, it was a mistake for him to tell OP. She now needs to decide what to do with that in terms of her own feelings towards him now. But as for the rest of it, they are his thoughts. We all have strange, unpleasant thoughts of one kind or another. As a pp said, we have lizard parts of our brains - we are just animals that are living under a veneer of civilisation. He should be judged on his actions, not his thoughts.

I agree, this is the bottom line: thoughtcrime. A very very slippery slope.

Rape role play is NOT the same as rape.

@user1481840227 I'm not. There just is the potential that this guy is a major wrong'un. Some couples try this stuff (I have with an ex) but usually it's the women that say they want to try it and the bloke goes along with it.

How he phrased it, as NAMALT has said, also makes it sound less like something he's imagining doing with a partner, more dodgy.

But people's opinions vary on that I guess and there's no point you and I discussing it further.

I agree, this is the bottom line: thoughtcrime. A very very slippery slope.

@IntermittentParps He can have whatever thoughts he wants. But others will respond to them in whatever way they feel they should to try and increase their safety/comfort.

He can have whatever thoughts he wants. But others will respond to them in whatever way they feel they should to try and increase their safety/comfort.
Sure. I think the OP was posting precisely for ideas/views on whether she needs to, though.

@IntermittentParps Well yes. I've given my opinions on that.