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Original poster

Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

264 replies

NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 13:46

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

OP posts:
Wavypurple · 10/12/2021 14:22

People will read this and think ‘yeah, right’ but I honestly mean it when I say that if my partner (been together 4 years now) said this I wouldn’t want him to touch me again and it would be the end of the relationship.

More men have fantasies like this than people realise, which doesn’t make it okay but it’s not that surprising to me that this is his ultimate turn on. The sexual fantasy of most men is to have complete control over a woman, anyone who disagrees is in denial. Still, very weird that he described and admitted it to you. I wouldn’t want to see him again but it’s up to you how you want to deal with it obviously.

Fatandfifty49 · 10/12/2021 14:23

Eww. No way

Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet · 10/12/2021 14:25

Eeeeek!

He's given this a lot of thought as well, that's some level of detail!

And he told you as well? I would be devastated to be honest.

Suzi888 · 10/12/2021 14:26

Jesus Grin

DowntonCrabby · 10/12/2021 14:30

Nope, ditch. It’s not the fantasy as much as wtf he thought it was ok to share with you. He’s testing boundaries that go far to far for me.

Sonaftersonafterson · 10/12/2021 14:31

Eek. I think, seeing as you are sharing what seems like a good, quite intense sexual relationship (where you explore kinks and be honest with each other) he has taken this as a green light to full on tell you his deepest darkest fantasy. The fact that he told you though, it's not something he is trying to hide? Hes being open about it, it turns him on. I dont know him but I doubt he actually wants to brutally murder someone. Very extreme, yes a bit much, but so are lots of fantasies!! As long as they are not forced on another person in any way, then really, no harm.

My ex fwb confessed he got off on the idea of masturbating in public. He did not enjoy the idea of actually being caught , in reality, at all. Just the idea of it. That he was doing something he shouldn't be, in a public place. He never did it. All just in his head, throughly nice normal bloke. But we incorporated the discussion of it into our sex life and he loved it! It could have given me the ick, it did not though... each to their own as long as it stays in the head.

Allsortsofroses · 10/12/2021 14:33

But then, they are a bit like the extras in Star Trek who always get killed.

I still find the inclusion of any killing/murder v disturbing.

Why do they have to be killed?! Whtbcabt they just not succeed in stopping home from abducting her.

The rape fantasy thing, i actually find less disturbing (though still not ok), because he's fantasising that's she's turned on/wants it really... and because he's not fantasising about hurting or harming her.

But, the thing is, even within that, if she's seen him kill people (!!!) or knows ge has, she would be absolutely terrified beyond description of him, in general, and if he was going to kill her too; so how exactly will she be turned on? In what world do women, even in fantasy, get turned on byvsex with a man who's just killed people she knows, who died trying to protect her?

There's a lot of disturbing values/thoughts behind this.

Rummikub · 10/12/2021 14:33

@DowntonCrabby

Nope, ditch. It’s not the fantasy as much as wtf he thought it was ok to share with you. He’s testing boundaries that go far to far for me.
I think he’s testing boundaries too
Allsortsofroses · 10/12/2021 14:34

I can understand rape fantasies both ways, but the killing is the thing that disturbing me.

Who includes murder in a sexual fantasy, even if its of bystanders Confused

Tillsforthrills · 10/12/2021 14:38

No excusing it sorry, he’s vile.

It’s very easy for some people to be misleading and Mr. Nice Guy. Most psychopaths are capable of being very charming.

NoNameHere12 · 10/12/2021 14:39

It’s just a fantasy, I personally wouldn’t have wanted to hear it, but then I wouldn’t have asked.

I would never share my fantasies out loud, but I would also NEVER want them to be a reality either.

I’m surprised he shared this with you, his got too comfortable.

Mumoblue · 10/12/2021 14:40

That’s pretty fucking yikes.

beastlyslumber · 10/12/2021 14:42

Hearing that would trigger me quite badly, and the relationship would be over for me.

I understand people can have fantasies which don't necessarily reflect what they consider acceptable in reality. However, I would question why he would share that one with you - surely no woman wants to hear a man fantasising about rape. It sounds to me like a way of pushing your boundaries. I would be worried that he was getting off on your discomfort/upset over hearing this.

But like I say, this would massively trigger me so there's no way I could get past it. Maybe others could be okay with this but I wouldn't. Who knows his motives/character - I think that's irrelevant really. It all comes down to how you feel about it. If you feel comfortable and still want to have sex with him, then fine. But if not, then don't try to shame or logic yourself into being okay with it. It doesn't matter if a thousand other women tell you they wouldn't mind - if YOU mind, then it matters.

yourestandingonmyneck · 10/12/2021 14:46

Nobody knows this man.

However. Some woman have rape fantasies. It does not mean that they ever, ever want to be raped and being in that situation is quite, quite different to the fantasy.

I suspect a lot of people have some quite dark fantasies. And they are often worlds away from what they would actually enjoy in real life.

As I say, nobody knows this man but you. Yes, the fantasy could be a red flag, but I wouldn't say it is definitely so. He could just be being too honest.

Didimum · 10/12/2021 14:48

Whole load of nope there. Nope. Nope.

yourestandingonmyneck · 10/12/2021 14:52

@Allsortsofroses

But then, they are a bit like the extras in Star Trek who always get killed.

I still find the inclusion of any killing/murder v disturbing.

Why do they have to be killed?! Whtbcabt they just not succeed in stopping home from abducting her.

The rape fantasy thing, i actually find less disturbing (though still not ok), because he's fantasising that's she's turned on/wants it really... and because he's not fantasising about hurting or harming her.

But, the thing is, even within that, if she's seen him kill people (!!!) or knows ge has, she would be absolutely terrified beyond description of him, in general, and if he was going to kill her too; so how exactly will she be turned on? In what world do women, even in fantasy, get turned on byvsex with a man who's just killed people she knows, who died trying to protect her?

There's a lot of disturbing values/thoughts behind this.

I can understand the killing. I get that they are not developed characters. I've quite often had daydreams / fantasies that involve me as the hero / protagonist killing bad guys to save the day.

So I can understand the killing part of it as well. Yes, I get that they are not baddies, they were protecting the woman. But don't we have all daydreams / fantasies where we're like "that bit doesn't quite work.....doesn't matter, it's not real" then just bash on?

I dunno. As I said previously it may well be a red flag, it may just be that he's too honest.

I think if I were you though I'd be thinking more bigger picture - if he's such a good guy, and best sex you've ever had, why have you been fwb for a year? Is there something else stopping you from having a proper relationship with him?

IntermittentParps · 10/12/2021 14:52

This is why fantasies should stay private!
I would never ask my DP what his are. He's never asked me mine either. We've had a safe, trusting, excellent sex life for over two decades.

If anything, your FWB's judgement is off in sharing this with you. Then again, maybe he feels he can trust you to hear anything he has to say.
I don't know. It's up to you; you know him.

LaBellaTrix · 10/12/2021 14:54

I wouldn't be able to be intimate with a man who openly expressed such dark fantasies. Yes, I know the key word is fantasy but the level of detail is disconcerting, to say the least.

LostForIdeas · 10/12/2021 14:54

Rape fantasies are quite common.

The problem is that there fantasies that stays in your mind. They are pure fantaisies.And then there are what people call ‘sexual fantaisies’ as in what people sometimes I angine doing and would be keen on trying.

You asked for the second. The answered with the first.

Personally, I wouldnt share the first type with anyone (bar maybe be a counsellor iyswim)

TiddlesTheTiger · 10/12/2021 14:56

The whole thing is about vicious violence - I don't know why some are trying to say that the murder part is more/less shocking than the rape part.
How did he seem when telling you this?
How did the conversation go, after that?

CompetitiveMumming · 10/12/2021 14:56

It's fine. My FWB has similar fantasies, as do I, and we know they are about eroticising other psychological stuff - in his case, a sense of helplessness and lack of privacy in early life led him to fetishise capture, in my case feeling shamed by my sexual feelings means I fantasise about being "forced" to do stuff...etc, etc. Being open about the shadow side of your psyche isn't the same as doing, or even wanting to do, criminal things IRL.

FreeBritnee · 10/12/2021 14:57

Yep, no coming back m from that. That shit should stay firmly in someone’s head.

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 10/12/2021 14:57

@Anordinarymum

I have fantasies I would not discuss with anyone. They are fantasies and a tool for arousal. A fantasy is most probably something others would find disturbing which is why they are just that - a fantasy only and nothing more.
I agree with @Anordinarymum on this one. Some of my sexual fantasies are probably problematic to others. They don’t reflect my wider character.
Ailsa2021 · 10/12/2021 14:59

That's some level of detail right there. Clearly it's something that is on his mind a lot? I would get rid of him. I don't think I'd be comfortable around someone with fantasies like that

Starcup · 10/12/2021 15:02

Run for the hills. Sounds like a absolute nut job!