Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

[NAMALTthoughprobablyare]

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

Rape fantasies are one of the most common fantasies for women.

It does not, in any way, mean they want to be raped. It is thought it's because some women have some subconscious 'guilt' about enjoying sex, and the fantasy is about relinquishing control of the situation so they can let go of the guilt since it wasn't their decision.

I realise it's slightly different from a mans point of view, but my point is it could represent something completely separate from actually wanting to rape a woman.

I've fantasised about things I'd never actually be comfortable doing in real life for a variety of reasons and that in reality I know I wouldn't enjoy. I don't think it particularly means anything.

I do get where you're coming from. I think I'd be freaked out as well. However I think it's one of those things where I'd go more by his behaviour and actions towards you, and he was guilty of being too honest more than anything else (like admitting to your partner you fantasised about someone else - common and meaningless but still not a nice thing to hear)

@user1481840227

A man doesn't have to be into rape fantasies to go on to rape a woman, whether that's a woman on the street, his partner or wife

No, you're quite right....but when he's having these kinds of fantasies, to ignore them is a risk for a woman.

@CompetitiveMumming

I think the murder element is as simple as in a film or computer game where people get "killed" as collateral damage to the plot. It's endemic in all our art forms, why wouldn't it be present in a creative, narrative sexual fantasy?

This thread has really opened my eyes to how little understood the psychology of sex is, and how unfamiliar some of the terms and concepts seem to be to different people. That sounds really lofty and patronising but I genuinely had no idea that someone might think your sexual fantasy meant you were trying to enact it in real life... if you, in real life, are decent, respectful and so on.

If it was, for example, animal torture, or children, or causing incredible pain sadistically... then maybe worth investigating. But coercion and power and control are the absolute vanilla mood music of our subconscious minds and our culture reinforces those "acceptable fantasy transgressions" at every turn.

The pp was right who said it's BECAUSE he is nice he allows rage and energy and anger to flow. In his fantasy life, not his real life.

Yet sexual violence against women is fine in a fantasy is ok......yes?

This thread has really opened my eyes to how little understood the psychology of sex is

I understand it quite well thank you. Yes, fantasies are built on past experiences and symbols, but they also can reflect dark frustrations. Many people have fantasies they will never enact, fine, but I don't think it's unreasonable to encourage women to be careful of men who have these kinds of fantasies.

@gannett

Sexual fantasies can go to some pretty dark places for both men and women, and I accept that.

I would question why the fuck he felt the need to tell me that particular one in that much detail. It's the kind of thing you can't unthink. Yes, you asked, but not every question should be answered with total honesty.

This.

He shouldn't have told you.

I don't know where you go from here tbh, I couldn't see someone the same way after they told me that. Some things really are best left unsaid.

@TheRigatonini

I’m on the fence on this one – isn’t non-consent / reluctance quite a common fantasy for both men and women?

Isn’t it the main theme in a huge amount of mainstream porn?

Fair enough if it’s put you off him, but I don’t necessarily think fantasising about this scenario means he is someone who isn’t appalled by real-life rape.

Yes, it is quite a common fantasy for both men and women. And obviously it doesn't translate into real life rape for the vast majority of people. People have all kinds of fetishes and fantasies which they wouldn't dream of enacting in real life.

However I think in this case he really should have had the awareness not to share it. I don't know what good he thought would come of sharing a rape fantasy with his female partner. Some fantasies are better kept to ourselves.

I have fantasies I would not discuss with anyone. They are fantasies and a tool for arousal. A fantasy is most probably something others would find disturbing which is why they are just that - a fantasy only and nothing more.

I agree 100%. I'm a woman and my fantasies are definitely fucked. I wouldn't tell anyone what they were even though I'm sure DP has more or less clocked on!

I also don't know why you'd ask someone what their fantasy is. Fantasies always seem better in your head but once you put them into words or execute them, it's never the same. Not sure why he answered the question so honestly though

@BillMasen

I think a lot of the responses on here are why men might be reluctant to share fantasies that include rape. This guy is being judged for it.

Rape fantasist as stigmatised and oppressed group is a pretty hard sell.

I've never discussed my fantasies with anyone. They are dark. And they are no one's business and I would be judged for them, which based on what I am seeing here is a correct assumption.
I actually feel sorry for the guy openly sharing something about himself and now he'll be dumped for it. Just bollocks.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I've never discussed my fantasies with anyone. They are dark. And they are no one's business and I would be judged for them, which based on what I am seeing here is a correct assumption. I actually feel sorry for the guy openly sharing something about himself and now he'll be dumped for it. Just bollocks.

It's not bollocks for a woman to decide on balance that she would personally rather not continue having sex with someone who fantasises about rape and murder. It's a perfectly reasonable and understandable decision to make. You might make a different one and that would be entirely fine too, but calling it bollocks is so dismissive of a woman's decision making when it comes to who she has sex with.

@BertramLacey

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women

Why does he need to say the right things? IME people who say the right thing are much less interested in doing the right thing.

shows awareness of how we experience the world differently

Do we? Is it so different it needs highlighting? One of the thing I love about my DP is we see the world in a very similar way. He's male, I'm female.

reads about this.

What? Why? Why is he so interested in flagging up to you that he's a nice guy and reads about how different women are? It's all show.

In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to.

My current DP has never felt the need to tell me this, I just know from how he acts that he wouldn't do anything unless he thought I was fully into it. Contrast this with an FWB I had who said he would never do anything unless I consented, kept this up for several months, and then slowly started to push me to consent for things, even after I had clearly and repeatedly said no. I ended it before he pushed too much.

Without the rape fantasy, I'm getting creepy vibes off this man anyway. It's all a big show of being nice and respectful and understanding women, even though they are apparently so alien he needs to read about them. And then wham, actually I fantasise about raping you.

There are nice men out there. He isn't one of them, he just thinks he is.

I think this is very insightful.

I would be extremely wary of this man as these are very extreme fantasies. Also the fact he would like it to start off as a rape but the suddenly this woman starts to enjoy it worries me too. Not sure whether I think that's because it would show me he couldn't read the signs of non consenting sex or whatever.

A lot of us have sexual fantasies but his are about raping and killing which is just crossing the line IMO. It seems like his fantasy includes hurting a lot of people. Id be very creeped out.

FYI I am somewhat of a prude in RL (have only had 2 sexual partners) but my fantasy is the other end of the spectrum and includes pleasing multiple men.

Apparently it's not just a male thing to fantasise about something similar.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/all-about-sex/201508/why-do-women-have-rape-fantasies%3famp

It's completely ok for him to have fantasies like that. We can't control what we find erotic.

It's also completely ok for you to feel uncomfortable or unsafe because of it and to end the relationship, and that's really only something that you can decide.

@user1481840227

This honestly wouldn't bother me at all.

I've been raped and also suffered a lot of sexual trauma with an ex. Consent and being comfortable and trusting my sex partner are HUGELY important to me. I'm single right now but I have a lot of fantasies and see sex as being a big part of my life in future.

The fantasy itself seems more like one a woman would have, I wonder if he has done this before and an ex introduced him to the fantasy maybe?

It wouldn't be my kind of fantasy but I would be into other consensual non consent scenarios, The killing bit sounds a bit like game of thrones etc, it's actually so outlandish and out there that it's kind of comical in a way and light hearted, there are other rape fantasises where the couple literally want the scene to involve the man breaking in and attacking her when she's not expecting it (consensually of course) but that scene would feel more real and dangerous then this mans fantasy I think! It all seems a bit like the 'carry on' films, I've never actually seen them lol but it's what I would imagine carry on porn to be like?

But, the thing is, even within that, if she's seen him kill people (!!!) or knows ge has, she would be absolutely terrified beyond description of him, in general, and if he was going to kill her too; so how exactly will she be turned on? In what world do women, even in fantasy, get turned on byvsex with a man who's just killed people she knows, who died trying to protect her?

A lot of sexual fantasies and kinks are related to ego. One theory about why some women like dominant or dangerous men is that it's simply to do with ego, the woman wants to feel so desirable that the man just has to have her there and then and will take her by force, from the 'rapists' point of view in a fantasy where the 'victim' gives in again it can be to do with ego, he's just done terrible stuff but yet he is so attractive that she can't help but be turned on by him....it's not just those kind of fantasises though.. 'givers' who are obsessed with giving the other person pleasure are often ego based too, it's not necessarily that they love to give pleasure in a selfless way, they just get a huge ego boost from giving that pleasure.

There's a lot in this that is really interesting. I think the Game of Thrones analogy is appropriate. His fantasy was set in a type of fantasy world.
Carry On Porn made me laugh!

he's just done terrible stuff but yet he is so attractive that she can't help but be turned on by him yes it was this for him I think. And the fact that he was acting out an uber 'masculine' role. I think he saw himself as some sort of dark hero in the story.

givers' who are obsessed with giving the other person pleasure are often ego based too There could be a lot of truth in this for him too.

Thanks again to everyone. I think this thread has been fascinating and its been really interesting to read all of the different views. As for what to to do with seeing him again, I don't know. We weren't going to be meeting again till the New Year, so I can sit on it for a while.

I have some pretty dark fantasies none of which are compatible with my personal moral code and are *only8 acceptable to me because they are fiction!
Anyone who has ever enjoyed watching a horror film (and there are loads of nice normal people that do) knows that fiction and reality are entirely different and is no reflection on who you are in real life.

Many years ago I read the Nancy Friday book when she collated women’s sexual fantasies
There was some interesting stuff in there
And many many taboos
Like so many !!

I’d say as freaked as you are this chap has been nice and non rapey for a pretty long time ?

If this was his thing you’d know by now

@NAMALTthoughprobablyare

I don't quite get the ' he's just a FWB, why are you bothered about whether he wanks to raping women' thing. I would have thought the fact that I have sex with him answers why I am bothered about him wanking to raping women.

PP got it right when she said fantasies can cover what you would like to try with a partner or private fantasies. I was assuming when I asked about what he fantasied about that it would be the former, something we could consider exploring, or a fantasy about what we could do together or do do together. l like talking and hearing about sex. I had a previous partner who would tell me (tame, harmless) sexual fantasies whilst we were in bed together and I loved it. I was expecting something like that.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your thoughts. I've found this thread really interesting, lots of different perspectives here.

I think thats a fair point. Theres a big difference between the stuff you actually fantasise about trying, and then theres the weird dark stuff that might get you off in the final throes, but you probably should never admit to people because god knows youd never want that in real life.

It’s a fantasy and he trusted you enough to tell you

Fantasy is just that.

If he had plans to carry it out he probably wouldn’t have told you.

Hi.Id be more concerned about why he told you and also the murder thing.
I also have fantasy's about being kidnapped by a hunk and made to do things or lesbian fantasy's but have no interest in either in real life and wouldn't tell anyone in real life either lol x

Having the fantasy itself wouldn't be a problem for me, or even necessarily the fact that he told me, if it was in the right context. You know, like if we'd already been open about other kinks/fantasies for a while and I'd indicated that I was ok with darker things, and he'd started by saying that he had fantasies about coercion and checked I was comfortable with hearing about that before going into more detail. Even as someone who is into similarly dark things, a man launching into a lengthy and detailed description of his violent rape fantasies when I was expecting an answer along the lines of 'handcuffs' would show that at the very least he has poor judgement, and that in itself would cause me to feel uncomfortable and take a step back. Whether I eventually got past it would be down to our individual relationship, I think.

I think a lot of the responses on here are why men might be reluctant to share fantasies that include rape

@BillMasen Oh the poor things.

@BillMasen imagine that! Getting off sexually on the idea of wanting to rape a woman and women not understanding it

Its almost like rape is a horrible traumatic crime and not a sexual glorification. shocker that!

[quote Clueless24]@BillMasen imagine that! Getting off sexually on the idea of wanting to rape a woman and women not understanding it

Its almost like rape is a horrible traumatic crime and not a sexual glorification. shocker that![/quote]
👏👏👏

Uh run for the hills op???

Lots of women have fantasies of being raped

I would put that into he category of definately needing therapy, and the same for men.

I would put that into he category of definately needing therapy, and the same for men.
Posters on here who seem to have some professional understanding of the subject might well disagree.