Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

[NAMALTthoughprobablyare]

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

I got a FWB to do a 'mock rape' on me, but it just felt like a lamearse giving me bad sex with no foreplay.

‘Because that is what really good sex is like!’

That’s the thing, OP. Really good sex can be different for different people. And what fantasies different people have also varies.
People who have rape fantasies, or some other fantasies of dominating/being dominated are not mentally ill. They are just different from people who don’t have those fantasies.
I once met and had a conversation with a woman who seeked and fantasised about being very submissive, about pain and being forced and humiliated. For whatever reason - this accomplished and successful married mother of several kids was fantasising about something like that.
Not sure all of us have a right to judge her.
And equally - unless the guy has done anything - it is planning to do something with his fantasy - I find that no one has a right to judge.
Thought police, luckily isn’t yet a reality.

As to your ‘relationship-light’ - I think the arrangement has run its course. You are too attached to keep it just a FWB by now. You are judging him as if he was your partner.
It’s likely that the sex between you would change as well - as you’ll be different now.
Time for both of you to find other arrangements

@BadNomad

Plenty of women have rape fantasies, of having control taken away from them. And plenty of men fantasise about having all the control. Neither want to be involved in rape in real life. That's the point of a fantasy. It's escapism. It's not real.

Vice versa as well. Look at all the men who fantasise about being dominated.

@MMmomDD

OP - you seem to be getting over invested in this FWB relationship. It’s been a year. You have always felt safe and had the best sex of your life.

Are you considering/auditioning him for an actual relationship?
Otherwise - why would his views on women, or anything really matter.

Digging around people’s heads and their fantasies is not anyone should be doing. The forceful sex fantasy is more common than you think, and you’d be surprised to hear that women also fantasise about it.
If he was indeed covertly coercive - he’d have spent the past year slowly encouraging you to try domination/submission, and tried to manipulate you into something along forceful sex situations.
As it is - his actual behaviour says a lot more about him than this fantasy.

You asked, he shared.

So think about what you actually want from this arrangement.

This is a very sensible post.

Run. Seriously.
I had a man like that. There was always a rape-y undertone to his fantasies but within the relationship everything was consensual. He raped me 2 weeks after I broke up with him.

@NAMALTthoughprobablyare

I dont understand the point of this thread op?

I think I posted because the contrast between how he is with me sexually, respectful, giving, sensual, erotic contrasted with this fantasy.

Based on how he is sexually with me, I just wouldn't have guessed that would be his fantasy.

So it made me thing WTF! Do all men get off on stuff like that? . Hence my username for this post Because that's bloody disturbing if they do.

Isn't this like the boiled frog analogy and the controlling bloke who starts off being nice as you wouldn't go out with him twice never mind marry him etc if he was controlling or abusive on date one?

I don't quite get the ' he's just a FWB, why are you bothered about whether he wanks to raping women' thing. I would have thought the fact that I have sex with him answers why I am bothered about him wanking to raping women.

PP got it right when she said fantasies can cover what you would like to try with a partner or private fantasies. I was assuming when I asked about what he fantasied about that it would be the former, something we could consider exploring, or a fantasy about what we could do together or do do together. l like talking and hearing about sex. I had a previous partner who would tell me (tame, harmless) sexual fantasies whilst we were in bed together and I loved it. I was expecting something like that.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your thoughts. I've found this thread really interesting, lots of different perspectives here.

Isn't this like the boiled frog analogy and the controlling bloke who starts off being nice as you wouldn't go out with him twice never mind marry him etc if he was controlling or abusive on date one?
It's been a year, though, not a few dates.

I have to say I don't like this more frequent use of rapey, and related terms. It is like kiddy porn, kiddy fiddler. It seems to be soft and gentle - rape - clear, hard, awful against rapey which with the ie sound makes it sound softer and the kiddy bit as children are lovely.

I know no one is trying to diminish the horror or rape or abuse however I just feel the term is dangerous.

Maybe he has the fantasy because he’s a nice guy?
The fantasy him is the complete opposite of what he’s really like iyswim.
I am nothing like the person in my sexual fantasies. I get treated with a lack of respect, let’s say, which I would hate in real life.

@IntermittentParps

Isn't this like the boiled frog analogy and the controlling bloke who starts off being nice as you wouldn't go out with him twice never mind marry him etc if he was controlling or abusive on date one? It's been a year, though, not a few dates.

Some men play the long game.

I'd be very concerned about the murder fantasy aspect. In fact it would freak me out. I'd not be OK to continue seeing the person.

I'd assumed we'd all have some forced sex/rape fantasy? But no, a quick Google shows this as 60%, medium.com/thelma-louise/sixty-one-percent-of-us-have-rape-fantasies-326b2689054f

Strangely, while a few of my closest female friends have mentioned this non-consent fantasy it's not something I've ever heard from DH, or my small number of previous BFs. Maybe less common in males? Or less open to discussing it?

I think it's way more disturbing that he fantasised about killing people before the rape fantasy. The rape fantasy itself? Well, you did ask and be told you. By the way, it's very common for women to have rape fantasies. Key word is FANTASY i.e. not anything in the remotest bit relating to something horrible on real life. YABU

The level of detail and the murder is absolutely fucking nuts - Christ

Sexual fantasies (for both sexes) are often transgressive and involve things that would never be something they’d contemplate doing in reality or consider acceptable. You say he’s a considerate lover and respects boundaries, and that probably tells you his values. A violent fantasy is most likely a way of exploring taboos. That said, if it troubles you, it troubles you, and only you can say if it’s a deal breaker.

I think you would be well advised to tell him you have found yourself a lovely new man so you can dispense with his services.

I would be worried that the actual fantasy is that he gets to rape a woman that he has previously had lovely consensual sex with but for obvious reasons he left that bit out when telling you it all.

No way would I put myself in a vulnerable position around him ever again. I would never trust him 100% so the bottom would have fallen out of the deal anyway.

@Sarahlou63

Don’t you think it’s a bit strange that you’re getting upset about a rape fantasy but the poor sods who die protecting the victim don’t even get a mention??

Sounds like he’s been watching too much early James Bond, that’s all.

Absolutely. People seem to overlooking the murder element of this fantasy!

@LuneyTunes

I think it's way more disturbing that he fantasised about killing people before the rape fantasy. The rape fantasy itself? Well, you did ask and be told you. By the way, it's very common for women to have rape fantasies. Key word is FANTASY i.e. not anything in the remotest bit relating to something horrible on real life. YABU

This isn't AIBU.

This honestly wouldn't bother me at all.

I've been raped and also suffered a lot of sexual trauma with an ex. Consent and being comfortable and trusting my sex partner are HUGELY important to me. I'm single right now but I have a lot of fantasies and see sex as being a big part of my life in future.

The fantasy itself seems more like one a woman would have, I wonder if he has done this before and an ex introduced him to the fantasy maybe?

It wouldn't be my kind of fantasy but I would be into other consensual non consent scenarios, The killing bit sounds a bit like game of thrones etc, it's actually so outlandish and out there that it's kind of comical in a way and light hearted, there are other rape fantasises where the couple literally want the scene to involve the man breaking in and attacking her when she's not expecting it (consensually of course) but that scene would feel more real and dangerous then this mans fantasy I think! It all seems a bit like the 'carry on' films, I've never actually seen them lol but it's what I would imagine carry on porn to be like?

But, the thing is, even within that, if she's seen him kill people (!!!) or knows ge has, she would be absolutely terrified beyond description of him, in general, and if he was going to kill her too; so how exactly will she be turned on? In what world do women, even in fantasy, get turned on byvsex with a man who's just killed people she knows, who died trying to protect her?

A lot of sexual fantasies and kinks are related to ego. One theory about why some women like dominant or dangerous men is that it's simply to do with ego, the woman wants to feel so desirable that the man just has to have her there and then and will take her by force, from the 'rapists' point of view in a fantasy where the 'victim' gives in again it can be to do with ego, he's just done terrible stuff but yet he is so attractive that she can't help but be turned on by him....it's not just those kind of fantasises though.. 'givers' who are obsessed with giving the other person pleasure are often ego based too, it's not necessarily that they love to give pleasure in a selfless way, they just get a huge ego boost from giving that pleasure.

I think a lot of the responses on here are why men might be reluctant to share fantasies that include rape. This guy is being judged for it.

Can't believe how many women seem to make the assumption that because they have dark fantasies, that must mean it's harmless if men have those fantasies too and one shouldn't take it that seriously.

Look at the sexual crime statistics - it is obvious there are some differences between men and women in desires and behaviour, be they cultural or genetically inherited. Men are much stronger than women and are overwhelmingly the ones who commit sex crimes. Therefore, to dismiss this kind of fantasy as 'just fantasy' that doesn't really mean anything is risky if not foolish.

@BillMasen

I think a lot of the responses on here are why men might be reluctant to share fantasies that include rape. This guy is being judged for it.

Yeah......wonder why that could be.

Could it be that men make up over 98% of sex criminals?? In fact the percentage is usually a bit higher than that.

They should be bloody judged for it.

And equally - unless the guy has done anything - it is planning to do something with his fantasy - I find that no one has a right to judge.

@MMmomDD We don't know if he's planning to do it or going to do it (hypothetically.) That's the problem. So I can see why someone would make a judgement call to steer clear of him.

As to your ‘relationship-light’ - I think the arrangement has run its course. You are too attached to keep it just a FWB by now. You are judging him as if he was your partner.

It's a judgement call as to whether she wants to carry on having sex will him, or have much to do with him at all. I was violently raped by an acquaintance who was a casual shag, so it's still a potentially dangerous position to be in and you do have to have ongoing vetting/keeping an eye out for red flags.

Fantasies are just that and I've heard of men & women having rape fantasies.... but it's the detail that would stay with me and why would he tell you all of that? Maybe he was testing the waters, seeing if you're up for something like that.

@Anordinarymum

I have fantasies I would not discuss with anyone. They are fantasies and a tool for arousal. A fantasy is most probably something others would find disturbing which is why they are just that - a fantasy only and nothing more.

This. Even if someone I was in a relationship with asked I would not say. A Fantasy should never be revealed for exactly the reason you're now in. Why did you ask if you didn't really want to know?