Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

[NAMALTthoughprobablyare]

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

Jeez. Well you asked, and now it’s out there. I’d be uncomfortable too.

I once knew a man who told me his fantasy was... children, very very young children, ohh but he wasnt a pedo as he wasnt interested in real life just fantasy 🤔 they were "just dreams that he enjoyed thinking about"

some of these replies make out that its okay as long as just a fantasy well let me say.. fuck that.

Ive never blocked someone so fast.

personally any sick fantasy for me is a no no and i would find the thought of raping someone or mudering an innocent person pretty rrepulsive rather than sexy.

What scares me about some of the replies on here is that some posters genuinely seem to believe that this man should be judged on the content of his thoughts. That is a terrifying road to go down.

Clearly, it was a mistake for him to tell OP. She now needs to decide what to do with that in terms of her own feelings towards him now. But as for the rest of it, they are his thoughts. We all have strange, unpleasant thoughts of one kind or another. As a pp said, we have lizard parts of our brains - we are just animals that are living under a veneer of civilisation. He should be judged on his actions, not his thoughts.

Sounds like a Ted Bundy wannabe.

And everyone else who minimised this are we saying that men who fantasise about sexual contact with children are no threat because they're "only fantasies"??

And your response to this @user1481840227?

[quote Splaaaash]**@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm not saying it's unreasonable to be turned off by what someone's fantasies are, or to have boundaries or to not want to have sex with someone because of their fantasies or any other reason, neither am I bashing/angry with women or men for those things

I AM saying that the guy seems to be being bashed for his harmless fantasy and a lot of posters seem to be thinking there's something wrong with him for having that rape fantasy. It's fine him having that fantasy and it's fine her not liking it, but there seems to be major judgement of his character about it[/quote]
I agree. I sometimes end up fantasising about all sorts of weird shit sometimes that I would never want to do in reality for plenty of reasons. Also had enough partners and enough close friends who talk about all sorts of shit to know that fantasy and reality are not actually particularly closely linked.
I think that its perfectly ok to think "actually, im never going to be comfortable with this guy again now hes told me that" but i still think the way he acts regarding consent with you is much more of an important marker as to his character.
Any man is capable of rape. Lots of men will have fantasised about it but wont ever mention it for obvious reasons. I would see it as a dominance fantasy and id be much happier with a guy that had a little fantasy about that than i would with a guy that fantasised about being raped, or who never fantasised.
The most important thing though is to listen to your instincts. If its now saying run, then run. Male violence is common and not listening to your instinct regarding this is dangerous, but that doesnt mean that everyone wants to actually act out their fantasises either. Those two things can be both true at the same time

@Closetbeanmuncher

And everyone else who minimised this are we saying that men who fantasise about sexual contact with children are no threat because they're "only fantasies"??

And your response to this @user1481840227?

my response to that would be a hard "hell no". whether he actually offended or not. Theres taboos and theres TABOOS.

The sexual fantasy of most men is to have complete control over a woman, anyone who disagrees is in denial. Still, very weird that he described and admitted it to you. I wouldn’t want to see him again but it’s up to you how you want to deal with it obviously.

There is so much research on this available these days that shows it's actually far more likely to be the complete opposite.

Even if you refute that... go and compare bestselling women's erotica to bestselling men's erotica. (Or fanfic as pp suggested). The first is full of power play and imbalances, reluctance, dubious consent, ravishment etc. It's the "bodice ripper" thing where the 6ft strong gorgeous hero simply cannot help himself. Has to have her in a primal way. Compare that to the mens side where it's far more about the man (usually an average software developer type) falling into game world and having a harem of beautiful women who actively choose to be with him because in this world he's the capable alpha who they all look towards.

If that's not enough, look at pornhub statistics. They've been studied by experts at top universities and found that porn featuring violence against women is far more popular with woman than it is men.

Fantasy rarely ever correlates to real life and in fact I'd argue it's probably far more likely to go the extreme opposite way. The stereotype of the male CEO who secretly loves getting pegged is a stereotype for a reason, similarly the "50 shades phenomenon" in women.

As someone who's into the odd bit of "ravishment" when the mood strikes, I've never had a partner who wasn't doing it for the main purpose of pleasing me. They were all far more into the idea of being dominated.

So we need to get away from these assumptions that all men like violence and all women think it's disgusting and all sexual fantasies are "the real you". Nonsense. If OP isn't into it then she is 100% within her rights to leave him.

If that's not enough, look at pornhub statistics. They've been studied by experts at top universities and found that porn featuring violence against women is far more popular with woman than it is men.

@yaldyy I suppose it depends what you mean by violence against women. A lot of the mainstream porn men watch is quite rough. And people say it does influence what men want from sex and maybe their opinion of women.

@Closetbeanmuncher

And everyone else who minimised this are we saying that men who fantasise about sexual contact with children are no threat because they're "only fantasies"??

And your response to this @user1481840227?

Already commented on that earlier on.

Paedophilia is a disordered sexual orientation, not a fantasy, fetish or kink.

So no, I would think they were a paedophile!

Paedophilia is a disordered sexual orientation, not a fantasy, fetish or kink. So no, I would think they were a paedophile!

@user1481840227 Those paedoes that go on to abuse children will fantasize/think about it before they go on to do it.

@me4real

Paedophilia is a disordered sexual orientation, not a fantasy, fetish or kink. So no, I would think they were a paedophile!

@user1481840227 Those paedoes that go on to abuse children will fantasize/think about it before they go on to do it.

Yep and they are absolute scumbags. It still doesn't make it the same thing and it's such a lazy argument, only designed to shut down other peoples opinions on it.

People do the same thing on threads about pubic hair, they don't want to get rid of their own so they make out that women who are into it want to look like little girls and men who like it want their women to look like little girls because they're paedophiles!
So lazy!

I'm sure many men have raped women who don't have rape fantasies either, they just ignore the no or they are an opportunist who sees a drunk female and takes advantage...or perhaps they are in a jealous rage and rape their partner.

I think the 'murder' part of his fantasy has been rather overanalysed on this thread. It sounds like an incidental part of the 'plot' to me, not a big reveal about his deep-down true intentions.

I'm sure many men have raped women who don't have rape fantasies either,

@user1481840227 True but there are still premeditated ones- the occasional guy who lurks in the park or whatever. They will have thought of it beforehand and got off on the idea. They're rare but some man has to be that man.

@Hont1986

I think the 'murder' part of his fantasy has been rather overanalysed on this thread. It sounds like an incidental part of the 'plot' to me, not a big reveal about his deep-down true intentions.

It’s a weird ‘plot’ to describe to your girlfriend though. Surely he would be aware that when a sexual partner asks if you have any fantasies the usual answer isn’t ‘yeah I murder a bunch of people then kidnap and rape a woman violently.’

Usually it’s an opening for a chat about things you could do/would like to try in the bedroom, and a murder and rape storyline isn’t really an opener in that sense.

@user1481840227 you answered the first one. To clarify this is the question...

And everyone else who minimised this are we saying that men who fantasise about sexual contact with children are no threat because they're "only fantasies

The same way that men who fantasise about rape are a threat to women or are we all still on that it's only a fantasy trip?

@me4real

I'm sure many men have raped women who don't have rape fantasies either,

@user1481840227 True but there are still premeditated ones- the occasional guy who lurks in the park or whatever. They will have thought of it beforehand and got off on the idea. They're rare but some man has to be that man.

I acknowledged that earlier, there are some men who will have serious deep dark fantasies about committing a real rape and actually have urges to do it and then go ahead and follow through unfortunately.

But for many who have rape fantasises that they would like to role play with a willing partner who consents to the role play they would never get the urge to rape in real life.

It's up to OP what she does and who she chooses to be with but I really would advise her to be mindful of the risk.

Serial sex offenders don't get up one morning and decide out of nowhere to rape someone, there is always a prolonged period of fantasy/rape porn consumption before the actual crime/s is/are committed.To deny that is pretty ridiculous.

I'm interested to know what OPs conclusions are.

Rape fantasy is as common among g women as men . Read the books .

I'd keep fanstasies private for this very reason. They aren't real . They can be dark and exploratory about things you'd never ever do in real life .

You are a bit hypocritical to ask then recoil from the answer - just don't ask .
I don't have fantasies but if I trusted someone enough to tell them I wouldn't expect a weird reaction

[quote Closetbeanmuncher]@user1481840227 you answered the first one. To clarify this is the question...

And everyone else who minimised this are we saying that men who fantasise about sexual contact with children are no threat because they're "only fantasies

The same way that men who fantasise about rape are a threat to women or are we all still on that it's only a fantasy trip?[/quote]
I don't consider thinking about children sexually to be a 'fantasy'. It is a disordered sexual orientation.

Sexual fantasies are something different entirely to sexual orientations.

What part are you not getting??

😂 Oh my

Let's try another way...

Is a man who fantasise about beating women black and blue and wanks over it a risk to women?

Or are you going to try telling me that's a sexual orientation too? 🤔

Most rape fantasies don't involve beating a woman black and blue!!

and no the only thing I called a sexual orientation was paedophilia, and I said that was a disordered one.

I don't go around referring to other things as sexual orientations.

Are you deliberately trying to be obtuse?

Your arguments are weak and lazy!

Most rape fantasies don't involve beating a woman black and blue!!

But some will. And even if they don't, it sounds as if to you sexual violence is acceptable as a fantasy but other physical violence such as beating a woman black and blue would be a fantasy you felt was too extreme for you to feel comfortable with if a partner shared it. Other people feel that way about rape fantasies. It doesn't make them judgemental in a negative way, it just means they have boundaries that are different to yours.

Most rape fantasies don't involve beating a woman black and blue!!

Oh yes silly me in this one he murdered people my bad. I'm sure potential rapists with their fluffy fantasies treat their victims with the upmost care.

I asked you if you think that men who fantasise about hurting women and get off to that are a risk to women and you refuse to give a straight answer.

It's a reality that for some individuals a fantasy can be a gateway to acting out a sexual impulse.
That isnt a weak and lazy argument it's a fact.

I hope to god no men are reading this thread and being validated that this shit is acceptable.

For the victims of rape it's not a fluffy 50 shades of dog shit fantasy, it's a life altering experience they have to deal with until they die.

If that's cool for you so be it but doesn't sit right with me, sorry. To me it's a red flag and no amount of back and forth tittle tattle will convince me otherwise.