Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

[NAMALTthoughprobablyare]

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

That celebrity recently got into the press for his rape. Power play and murder and cannibal fantasies.

There’s a whole world about it

The problem with that celebrity and what made it as bad as it was. He didn’t have a safe word. His female partners didn’t have a safe word. In which case it turns into actual rape.

This is a difficult one. On the one hand, he feels safe enough with you to tell you something incredibly dark. On the other, he told you something incredibly dark which is a bit disturbing. Only you know what he's "really" like and if you feel that you can continue this relationship knowing that this is a part of his psyche.

I have/had a few really dark fantasies that I would never want to happen in real life. I won't go into them because I don't know that I'm even comfortable with the fact that I have them if that makes sense, but I would have to feel incredibly secure and safe with someone to share them, which is what makes me think that maybe you are both in a place with your FWB relationship where he thinks you'll understand that dark as this is it's a fantasy, purely a fantasy. Again, I'm not sure if that makes it okay but I certainly don't think it makes him someone you absolutely have to run away from unless you feel that it's a fantasy step too far and you have to.

I also tend to agree that women's rape fantasies and men's being the rapist fantasies are different. In ours we are in control of the rape, ergo it's not real rape because were are choreographing it. In a man's, he is in control of an imaginary woman and he is hurting her. Add in the unnecessary murder and well, it's very dark. Also, however, you say that he's very thoughtful with you and has what you see as a healthy relationship with women, maybe this is where he lets go of that and becomes some sort of violent alpha - which he doesn't want to be IRL but it gets him off - the opposite of who he feels he really is.

Mine sort of used to include the suffering of others and not myself but to me because in society the power balance is with men not with me my fantasies were about me being in a position where I don't suffer and ... blah, blah, blah. I don't really want to go into it.

I'm sort of thinking out loud here. I don't know where this leaves the two of you, only you know him and only you know whether this is a deal-breaker or not. Maybe talk to him about it? Maybe tell him that you feel a bit uncomfortable with what he's shared with you. Or maybe walk away because you can't and won't be able to go forward because this is a step too far for you.

A fantasy is most probably something others would find disturbing

Where on earth did you get this idea from?

Most fantasies are not disturbing, for info.

@Junaper

I think this is a bit tricky… Obviously I find rape absolutely fucking horrifying- however I do like ‘reluctance’ fantasies in erotic literature. Helpless young maid locked up and taken etc- they are just that- fantasies. I never ever want to explore them in real life.

I also like erotic literature where the woman pleasures multiple men, however again no interest in trying this in real life in the slightest!!! The idea of it in real life is minging 😂

I have a lovely relationship with my husband and a gratifying sex life and I hope he would know I don’t want those things.

The only thing with this chap is that it sounds very explicitly thought out and specific.

Exactly this. The whole killing everyone thing… yeesh. I’m a man (seems pertinent to say) and embarrassingly admit; the reluctant naughty milkmaid thing- yes. Killing a woman’s family and raping her- no.

If any man confessed to me they had fantasies about kidnapping, raping and killing he wouldn't see me for fucking dust...

I think rape fantasies are pretty common - I think the murder bit worries me more .. lots of people saying you know him best - I’m not sure it’s worth the risk to you

I dont understand the point of this thread op?

Yes it should ring major alarm bells since your having sex with him

But are you actually going to?

@Anordinarymum

I have fantasies I would not discuss with anyone. They are fantasies and a tool for arousal. A fantasy is most probably something others would find disturbing which is why they are just that - a fantasy only and nothing more.

I agree. Their is a difference between a fantasy and something you actually want to do.

I don't think you can judge someone by their fantasies.

Actions speak louder than words.

Rape/CNC fantasies are surprisingly common. A lot of fantasies deal with taboo - from small, "shagging in your office at work even though you could get fired" type things to bigger, more socially/morally unacceptable taboos like incest and rape.

It's not just men, either - take a trip to AO3 or a fanfic website to see fic written by young women with some extremely fucking dark sexual content.

The way I see it, a fantasy is a made-up scenario, some element of which causes arousal.

Sexual arousal is not as simple as "X makes me horny". It can be layered - the contrast between what you want and what you can do adds a kind of frisson, the idea that you don't have to hold back in a fantasy, mental arousal in a basic sense (i.e. it's just something shocking or unusual that sparks your brain in a particular way), the contrast between who you believe yourself to be as a person and what scenarios your brain conjures up.

I wouldn't say that someone's sexual fantasies are always (or even often) a reflection of their character. Show, not tell - and he's shown thus far that he's a respectful, boundary-aware lover with a good understanding of consent. Doesn't mean you have to be okay with it, of course - you're allowed any boundary you want and if this is one for you, that's fine. But his fantasy does not mean he's an evil person.

(Also important to note that fantasies range from: 'I would like to try this one day/with you' to 'This is just a thing that I think about'. Obviously, some people edge closer to the former with consensual non-consent play, but broadly I imagine fantasies like this are closer to the latter end of the scale. That also makes a difference, I think.)

I understand the attraction of the "rape fantasy" from the female perspective, and it's fairly common from chatting with friends over many years (I always feel really uncomfortable discussing it, hand dislike the term, because people don't distinguish between fantasy and reality.)

Interestingly, I've never had a partner say they had a rape fantasy, but I'd assume some/many men do have?

I'd be very very concerned about the murder part. Honestly, I would be scared and not sure I could go forward with the relationship.

No no no not all men are like this. Rape is vile and about power, disrespect and anger. You're some sort of twisted bastard if your in to that kind of shit. I can't see the turn on or attraction in punishment and abuse.

@ArabellaScott

A fantasy is most probably something others would find disturbing

Where on earth did you get this idea from?

Most fantasies are not disturbing, for info.

How do you know

The bit that’s weird is the murdery aspect.

Jesus! Run for the hills!!!

I dont understand the point of this thread op?

I think I posted because the contrast between how he is with me sexually, respectful, giving, sensual, erotic contrasted with this fantasy.

Based on how he is sexually with me, I just wouldn't have guessed that would be his fantasy.

So it made me thing WTF! Do all men get off on stuff like that? . Hence my username for this post Because that's bloody disturbing if they do.

Plenty of women have rape fantasies, of having control taken away from them. And plenty of men fantasise about having all the control. Neither want to be involved in rape in real life. That's the point of a fantasy. It's escapism. It's not real.

This is a difficult one. On the one hand, he feels safe enough with you to tell you something incredibly dark. On the other, he told you something incredibly dark which is a bit disturbing
Quite!

The killing the people trying to protect her freaked me out just as much! Why did that even deserve a special mention! It seemed very detailed

This would be over for me I think unless I was in love with him and 100% trusted him.

I told dh a fairly vanilla compared to some, fantasy but when he tried I just couldn't. I like the idea but the reality wasn't us. Only you know if you could get past this and it isn't the same as he isn't going to do it with you.

Is he?

I think a murder and rape fantasy like that is absolutely fucking fucked up

My ex was right on in some ways (though could be a rape apologist) but he was an exploitative creepy arsehole underneath.

I did find the murder thing disturbing too. But then, they are a bit like the extras in Star Trek who always get killed. They aren't developed characters.

If a person thought this it'd be easier for him to kill people as they aren't full people to him.

The rape fantasy thing, i actually find less disturbing (though still not ok), because he's fantasising that's she's turned on/wants it really... and because he's not fantasising about hurting or harming her.

@Allsortsofroses He is raping her against her will at first. And a lot of rapists believe the woman will love it and is 'asking for it.'

My FWB has similar fantasies, as do I, and we know they are about eroticising other psychological stuff

@Dery I think what this bloke said feels a bit different to a rape fantasy or what you describe. With a fantasy/kink it's more like 'I'd like someone to role playy raping me.' With this bloke it sounds more like 'I have a fantasy of myself doing X.'

In your own sexual fantasy you are completely in charge of what happens to you, so thereby you are always consenting and can stop or change whatever happens to you. That's different from a man fantasying about abusing a woman who is not in control of what happens to her.

@NAMALTthoughprobablyare Exactly.

I must say, I tend to agree. I just don't have rape fantasies. I actually find it hard even to type that sentence about myself. I just can't get my head around someone getting turned on by doing that to another person.

I think it might've given you something beyond 'the ick.' It's really creeped you out.

It's better to be safe than sorry in relationships/friendships.

A) Carry on seeing him (perhaps even as a friend) =there's a small chance he might rape you (people can be raped even when they're in theory up for sex with a particular person.)

B) Stop seeing him and you've protected yourself from that risk, and/or avoided being further creeped out by having him around.

I dont understand the point of this thread op?

I'dve thought it's fairly clear. OP wanted to share something disturbing that had happened to her. She also wants our opinion as to if this is a red flag that he could be dodgy. She also asks if all men are like this.

^Yes it should ring major alarm bells since your having sex with him.
But are you actually going to?^

Going to what? Let him enact the fantasy on her? In the way he's framed it I don't think it's something a couple could recreate. But I suppose it could be- OP could pretend not to want the sex at first. How he phrased it is disconcerting, though.

Most fantasies are not disturbing, for info.

Most of mine aren't but some of them definitely are. However, if someone asked me to share I'd tell them one of the non-disturbing ones. I think there's a fair bit going on in the OP. It's not just about a rape fantasy but about why he told her and the fact that murder plays quite a big part in this.

Based on how he is sexually with me, I just wouldn't have guessed that would be his fantasy.

Based on how he is now, maybe not. But as I said earlier, it just seemed a bit too 'oh look at me, I'm so nice, look at all these lovely green flags'. I would watch for any changes in this. It's not even that he would in any way act on the fantasy. He just might start that dreadful wheedling that some men do. 'Oh but I bet you'd like it if you tried it. It will be fun. I bet you'd like it. How do you know you don't like it?' Fuck off. I don't have to stick pins in my eyes to know I won't enjoy doing it. I don't have to try what you're suggesting to know I won't like that either.

I think there’s a bit of a different between fantasising about being “raped” and fantasising about raping someone.

I read about a study where 1/3 if men admitted they would rape a woman if they knew they could get away with it, so yeah it might be common, but doesn’t mean it acceptable. The murdering part is particularly odd, I mean who gets off on the thought of killing people??