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Original poster

Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

264 replies

NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 13:46

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

OP posts:
Original poster
NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 15:50

@IntermittentParps

Lots of women have fantasies of being raped but what is interesting about that is that the whole concept of rape is that you are not concerning, but when you fantasise about being raped you actually are consenting to the cat by the very fact you are choosing to fantasise about it. That’s why it simply can’t compare to a man fantasising about being the rapist. I don't really follow this.
I follow this. In your own sexual fantasy you are completely in charge of what happens to you, so thereby you are always consenting and can stop or change whatever happens to you.

That's different from a man fantasying about abusing a woman who is not in control of what happens to her.

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 10/12/2021 15:53

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women

Why does he need to say the right things? IME people who say the right thing are much less interested in doing the right thing.

shows awareness of how we experience the world differently

Do we? Is it so different it needs highlighting? One of the thing I love about my DP is we see the world in a very similar way. He's male, I'm female.

reads about this.

What? Why? Why is he so interested in flagging up to you that he's a nice guy and reads about how different women are? It's all show.

In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to.

My current DP has never felt the need to tell me this, I just know from how he acts that he wouldn't do anything unless he thought I was fully into it. Contrast this with an FWB I had who said he would never do anything unless I consented, kept this up for several months, and then slowly started to push me to consent for things, even after I had clearly and repeatedly said no. I ended it before he pushed too much.

Without the rape fantasy, I'm getting creepy vibes off this man anyway. It's all a big show of being nice and respectful and understanding women, even though they are apparently so alien he needs to read about them. And then wham, actually I fantasise about raping you.

There are nice men out there. He isn't one of them, he just thinks he is.

TellingBone · 10/12/2021 15:53

OP - you state '... If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately...'

What has he been suggesting? Rapey stuff?

Thymeout · 10/12/2021 15:53

My fantasies are the opposite to my real life personality. There is absolutely no desire to act them out in real life. No chance whatsoever. They only come into my head when I'm alone and they involve no one I know or have met or any situation I have been in.

Pure imagination. Summoned from the murky depths of the lizard brain. No rhyme or reason to them.

I reckon you're safe, Op, for that reason, but I do understand why you're now finding it difficult to un-hear/see them.

Heartachers · 10/12/2021 15:55

RUN!

He is testing you out!

Movinghouseatlast · 10/12/2021 15:57

The murder part is almost more disturbing. He is actually wanking while thinking about killing, then comes when he thinks about rape.

Franklyfrost · 10/12/2021 15:57

I think the rape fantasy is fine. It’s a common fantasy because it is so subversive. The fact he shared it with you is a bit odd, he should have phrased it as a dom fantasy. I think it’s called ‘ravishment’ rather than rape by the people who consent to acting it out.
The murder is darker. That would freak me out.

Thymeout · 10/12/2021 16:01

And re killing someone, after a sudden and painful romantic break-up, I used to wake up and start my days with a vision of feeding my ex into a tree-shredder as in Fargo.

Original poster
NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 16:02

@TellingBone

OP - you state '... If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately...'

What has he been suggesting? Rapey stuff?

Oh no, its more stuff I don't want to do because of how my skin will sag in that position on my middle aged body! There is nothing out there in our sex life. Its normal sex/ erotic stuff really. Nothing weird!
OP posts:
FestiveFruitloop · 10/12/2021 16:03

Of course NAMALT. My DH has some quite out-there fantasies but none that involve harming others.

Rape fantasies happen (though personally that alone would put me off someone), but as far as the murder element goes, I'd be off in the opposite direction at 100mph.

Sorry OP, it must have been so disheartening to discover this.

Pinkgold1 · 10/12/2021 16:04

If you fantasise about rape then you are sick in the head. Why are people in this thread focused on the killing side but not the violent rape?? You need to run a mile from this psycho.

Original poster
NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 16:06

What? Why? Why is he so interested in flagging up to you that he's a nice guy and reads about how different women are? It's all show

There are nice men out there. He isn't one of them, he just thinks he is

@BertramLacey It's entirely possible that all of this is true.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 16:10

@Pinkgold1

If you fantasise about rape then you are sick in the head. Why are people in this thread focused on the killing side but not the violent rape?? You need to run a mile from this psycho.
I must say, I tend to agree. I just don't have rape fantasies. I actually find it hard even to type that sentence about myself. I just can't get my head around someone getting turned on by doing that to another person. My fantasies involve both people being really turned on and into each other. Because that is what really good sex is like!
OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/12/2021 16:12

Sexual fantasies dont mean much. Why on earth did you ask him about his fantasies. Rape fantasies are really common. I think you need to go by how well he takes consent seriously in real life.

JuicySatsuma85 · 10/12/2021 16:12

@IntermittentParps

Lots of women have fantasies of being raped but what is interesting about that is that the whole concept of rape is that you are not concerning, but when you fantasise about being raped you actually are consenting to the cat by the very fact you are choosing to fantasise about it. That’s why it simply can’t compare to a man fantasising about being the rapist. I don't really follow this.
So if I fantasise about a man raping me…is it really a rape fantasy? Because I am choosing i.e. consenting to the act in my mind. In no way whatsoever could that possibly replicate the feeling of actually being raped.

In my “rape fantasy” I can control who is raping me, how they are raping me, because I’m making it up in my head. I’m real life, that isn’t how rape works. It’s the very opposite of that. You have no choice when you are actually being raped. So I just believe it is very different to the dark fantasy of being the one doing the raping.

Hope that makes more sense!

Goonie2000 · 10/12/2021 16:13

It doesn't mean you're unsafe around him and people can't control what turns them on but if this is his fantasy and he was very open with you talking about that's a worry, it's a sexual violence fantasy and if I knew my boyfriend thought like this I'd run a mile, this is horrible

EarthSight · 10/12/2021 16:14

I find it quite unbelievable that he told you this. Either he is very dim or there is a purpose behind it which may come at a cost to you later.

killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'

This fantasy is full of power and conquest - particularly marked by the fact that he kills the people she is with who are trying to protect her. It's sort of the ultimate 'nothing will get in my way and I will get whatever I want'. If it wasn't so disturbing, there is something almost juvenile and bombastic about it.

I'm afraid many men say all the right things. Many women come on Mumsnet who are in unhappy situations where their partner turned out to be a very different person to who they thought he was. Who someone is on a surface level (where they have been coached by society to think in a certain way) can be very different to who they are on the inside. Not only that, but people's personality traits can very incoherent and contradictory. It's perfectly possible to have a man who absolutely hates his father because he beat his mother growing up, yet who goes on to beat his own female partner.

What he's said is very disturbing, and because of the physical power imbalance between men and women, you need to take this extra-seriously. I would say he's told you who he really is, so now it's up to you how you feel about that.

Feeling safe and feeling 100% confident of who your partner is, is the absolutely foundation of any relationship. Some couples have all sorts of trust issues - one might be continuously flirting with others or being irresponsible.......but at least their partner feels safe. Can you say that now that you know this about him, you feel safe around him? That you want to be vulnerable around a man who has those kind of fantasies?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 10/12/2021 16:14

That would a goodbye from me. But then again maybe its the ones who don't admit it who are the dangerous ones. I really couldn't say.

Mumoblue · 10/12/2021 16:15

A lot of people are saying that some women have rape fantasies. I would argue that there’s a big difference between fantasising about it being done to you and fantasising about doing it to someone else.

I’d be out the door, personally.

LittleGwyneth · 10/12/2021 16:17

It's a fairly common sexual fantasy amongst people of both sexes, but if it's a hard limit for you then you shouldn't feel obliged to engage with it.

You're not unreasonable to break up with anyone, for any reason. He isn't unreasonable to have fantasies about consensual sex where both parties pretend it isn't consensual.

Nocutenamesleft · 10/12/2021 16:18

My mother is a criminal psychologist

Basically many many people. Including women have rape fantasies. Part of the reason. Is because it’s a fantasy and wouldn’t ever want to actually be played out. But it’s really common. Much more than you think

EarthSight · 10/12/2021 16:20

@yourestandingonmyneck

Nobody knows this man.

However. Some woman have rape fantasies. It does not mean that they ever, ever want to be raped and being in that situation is quite, quite different to the fantasy.

I suspect a lot of people have some quite dark fantasies. And they are often worlds away from what they would actually enjoy in real life.

As I say, nobody knows this man but you. Yes, the fantasy could be a red flag, but I wouldn't say it is definitely so. He could just be being too honest.

@yourestandingonmyneck

True, but the difference is that if a man has these fantasy, most are physically capable enough of carrying them out. If we are to look as sexual crime statistics, that alone means women need to take this kind of fantasy (and the sharing of it) very seriously.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/12/2021 16:21

You're not going to see him again are you?

IntermittentParps · 10/12/2021 16:23

NAMALTthoughprobablyare and Juicy, thank you, I get it now.
I do see the distinction between a woman and a man's rape fantasy.
I still though think fantasy is just that and really question how much they should be judged or policed, or taken to be indicative of a person's real personality or predictor of their actions. I think you get into pretty dubious territory if you go down that route.
All I can say, really, is (to repeat myself) the OP knows this man better than any of us and needs to go on her experience with him and her gut.

JohnStonesMissus · 10/12/2021 16:23

Wayne Couzens had the same fantasies...

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