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Original poster

Recently found out My Nice Guy has rape fantasies. *content warning added by MNHQ*

264 replies

NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 13:46

Have a FWB for over a year who seems a really nice guy, middle aged, says all the right things about attitudes to women, shows awareness of how we experience the world differently, reads about this. In bed I trust him absolutely. He's into erotic, sensual stuff not porn stuff. If he suggests something and I don't want to he completely accepts this immediately and says he would never want to do something unless we both wanted to. He is extremely generous to me sexually, clearly enjoys giving. I have had the best sex of my life with him.

I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has. Basically it was about him kidnapping a woman, killing the people she is with who try to protect her, taking her to his bedroom, tearing off her clothes whilst she is crying and protesting, throwing her onto the bed and ' fucking her hard'. He tried to make it more 'rape light' by saying he could tell she had started to be aroused by him taking his clothes off, that when he forcibly kissed her she started to kiss him back, and that as he approached her to have sex (rape) her he decided he would stop if she protested, but I suspect he only added that last bit in to make it more palatable to me.

I mean FFS, if this guy has rape fantasies and I never, ever would have guessed he does, what guy doesn't??!! Are all men secretly like this?! Is NAMALT actually a load of shit?!

OP posts:
Themummilly · 10/12/2021 15:09

This fantasy is about possession, ownership, and a narcissistic belief that he is the most important/desirable man in a woman's life.

I would imagine it isn't a random woman in his fantasy, but an ex. He imagines an ex with another man (although he describes it to you as 'people' around her). His narcissism cannot cope with the idea she might actually want to be with another man, so he 'kills' this idea by killing the man she is with. He then takes her forcibly but his fantasy adds in the bit about her being aroused not to lessen the rape fantasy but because of his belief that she would never really want to be with anyone else but him.

IntermittentParps · 10/12/2021 15:09

@CompetitiveMumming

It's fine. My FWB has similar fantasies, as do I, and we know they are about eroticising other psychological stuff - in his case, a sense of helplessness and lack of privacy in early life led him to fetishise capture, in my case feeling shamed by my sexual feelings means I fantasise about being "forced" to do stuff...etc, etc. Being open about the shadow side of your psyche isn't the same as doing, or even wanting to do, criminal things IRL.
This is a really thoughtful post.
MLMsuperfan · 10/12/2021 15:14

See I reckon that there's a part of everyone that plays with hard violence in thought at least. At a film like Saw you'll see as many women in the audience as men. And this is pretty clearly using graphic and sadistic violence for a thrill as well as for horror.

Original poster
NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 15:16

I'm torn between thinking the truth may be somewhere between what @CompetitiveMumming say and @Themummillym

OP posts:
Booklover3 · 10/12/2021 15:19

I’m surprised he told you that OP

Cellobear · 10/12/2021 15:19

I'm a woman and I have fantasies similar to this. I would NEVER want it to happen in real life but thinking about it does turn me on. Its just a fantasy. I've never told my husband but I'm sure he has plenty of fantasies he keeps to himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2021 15:25

The fact that he told you all this is the really alarming part, imo. Some shit should stay firmly in your own head.

Hoppinggreen · 10/12/2021 15:26

I wouldn’t be able to Un hear that and I would struggle to even look at him let alone shag him after that

FabriqueBelgique · 10/12/2021 15:26

@Dery

“I have fantasies I would not discuss with anyone. They are fantasies and a tool for arousal. A fantasy is most probably something others would find disturbing which is why they are just that - a fantasy only and nothing more.”

Me (a woman), too, and they also include things I wouldn’t want to do IRL and which might sound a bit off in the cold light of day. Which is why I would never ask. It’s really tough, OP, because you can’t unhear that. It’s a shame he didn’t think a bit harder about how it would come across.

Another woman here who agrees. Fantasies & kinks - I don’t know how to explain this but they don’t cross over with real life, they’re very very separate.
ancientgran · 10/12/2021 15:27

Is it a rape fantasy or a murder fantasy? Interesting that he tries to make the rape more palatable to you but murder? Well that's all OK isn't it.

Original poster
NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 15:31

@ancientgran

Is it a rape fantasy or a murder fantasy? Interesting that he tries to make the rape more palatable to you but murder? Well that's all OK isn't it.
Definitely a rape/ sex fantasy.

The murder bit was more of a plot device really. He gave no detail to that unlike the bedroom part which was detailed.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 10/12/2021 15:31

It's a fantasy but I'd wonder why he shared it with you.

I had a 'fling/dalliance' with someone who I think could have been into fantasies too - check my previous posts - he could have been into dom/sub stuff. Luckily he/me didn't go any further but some of the stuff he told me he'd got up to sexually I was very 'whoaahhh'.

In one aspect he's a FWB not a boyfriend. Up to you what you think about him going forward though and not sure I'd be happy with this.

FabriqueBelgique · 10/12/2021 15:32

I do question his judgment about telling you this one though, it’s undeniably one that could set off alarm bells.

MMmomDD · 10/12/2021 15:35

OP - you seem to be getting over invested in this FWB relationship.
It’s been a year. You have always felt safe and had the best sex of your life.

Are you considering/auditioning him for an actual relationship?
Otherwise - why would his views on women, or anything really matter.

Digging around people’s heads and their fantasies is not anyone should be doing. The forceful sex fantasy is more common than you think, and you’d be surprised to hear that women also fantasise about it.
If he was indeed covertly coercive - he’d have spent the past year slowly encouraging you to try domination/submission, and tried to manipulate you into something along forceful sex situations.
As it is - his actual behaviour says a lot more about him than this fantasy.

You asked, he shared.

So think about what you actually want from this arrangement.

gannett · 10/12/2021 15:37

@ancientgran

Is it a rape fantasy or a murder fantasy? Interesting that he tries to make the rape more palatable to you but murder? Well that's all OK isn't it.
Well that's reflective of wider society isn't it?

A pop star doing a raunchy video or performance gets dissected and discussed for months, years on end.

Action films where a zillion bystanders get casually killed as collateral damage as the hero chases the baddies, no one blinks an eye.

On the subject of the thread - OP, have you asked him why he told you this fantasy?

The more I think about it, the less bothered I am that he had the fantasy, but the more bothered I am that he told you without even a warning. For all he knew you could have been a victim of sexual assault and this is very much plunging you in at the deep end. And even if you aren't, it seems obvious that this fantasy could be a turn-off to many women.

ADHDmaybe · 10/12/2021 15:37

Ducking hell. The only ‘fantasy’ I’ve had that I consider shameful is I used to fancy Mikey from the teenage mutant ninja turtles when I was 16 (I’m 23 and I’ve moved on Grin). I would never tel anyone that in real life. This is too far, way past anything that’s normal

JuicySatsuma85 · 10/12/2021 15:38

I think there’s two things here. 1) I actually find that he’s a “nice guy” but has this fantasy (& it’s an in-depth, very specific fantasy) more disturbing than if he wasn’t a “nice guy”. I hired a dog trainer once who was extremely vocal about woman's rights on social media and attended marches etc. & then he tried to sexually assault me. I later found out he did it often.

  1. I know some women here have mentioned that lots of people have dark fantasies including themselves. Where do you draw your line? Rape and murder is illegal but it’s fine if it’s “just a fantasy”. Would they same the same about a child abuse fantasy? As long as it’s “just” a fantasy no harm no foul?

Lots of women have fantasies of being raped but what is interesting about that is that the whole concept of rape is that you are not concerning, but when you fantasise about being raped you actually are consenting to the cat by the very fact you are choosing to fantasise about it. That’s why it simply can’t compare to a man fantasising about being the rapist.

BringMeTea · 10/12/2021 15:38

Well that would be that for me. Shame really if the sex is great but there we are. See ya.

ADHDmaybe · 10/12/2021 15:38

And I didn’t even think about having sex with him in the fantasies. I just thought he’d be really… comforting to be hugged tightly by Blush

I would get away as fast as possible OP

JuicySatsuma85 · 10/12/2021 15:41

*consenting not concerning and act not cat

dogfishman · 10/12/2021 15:43

Wavypurple "The sexual fantasy of most men is to have complete control over a woman, anyone who disagrees is in denial."
What casually misandrist junk. Quite a few men fantasise about having a ready supply of willing young women. Many fantasise about one specific woman, year after year. Some don't fantasise about much at all, and they're no more likely to fantasise about rape than women are.
Fantasies are just that, and shouldn't impinge on real life. That said, only the OP can decide whether this fantasy and the sharing of it is on the wrong side of the line for her.

IntermittentParps · 10/12/2021 15:45

Lots of women have fantasies of being raped but what is interesting about that is that the whole concept of rape is that you are not concerning, but when you fantasise about being raped you actually are consenting to the cat by the very fact you are choosing to fantasise about it. That’s why it simply can’t compare to a man fantasising about being the rapist.
I don't really follow this.

limitedperiodonly · 10/12/2021 15:46

@NAMALTthoughprobablyare I missed that episode of Star Trek but as long as you're okay with it...

A man who told me he understood women to the extent of making us his bedtime reading would never make it as my sexual partner. It's probably unfair but Richard Madeley's face keeps popping into my head.

But that is my prejudice against men who see being arse-achingly earnest as a route to getting into my knickers.

However a man who told me he fantasised about murder and rape would make me smile nervously and wonder how long before I could convincingly ask where the loo was and hope the window was big enough for me to squeeze through.

Original poster
NAMALTthoughprobablyare · 10/12/2021 15:47

Are you considering/auditioning him for an actual relationship?
Otherwise - why would his views on women, or anything really matter

Is it really so out there to want your FWB to be someone you actually like and respect? Doesn't mean you have space or desire for a full on relationship. And as woman, I think my sexual partners views on women are actually really relevant.

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 10/12/2021 15:50

None consent sexual fantasies are fairly common. Most are just that, fantasies and not something people want to act on.

The bit about killing people would be the bit that makes me feel a bit ick.

Again, fantasies are things that should be kept to yourself in most cases. I'm gobsmacked he told you tbh

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