Social Services Meeting

[biscuitsforbreakfastagain]

I have a child in need planning meeting next week with social services
Primary concerns are for partner to attend parenting classes, to help manage the children, following reports of him smacking 2 year old
He is not keen and refusing to attend the meeting. Says he has to work and if they want to talk to him will have to be a weekend
Has anyone had this before, am I going to be in trouble if he doesn't attend?
AIBU that I'm absolutely petrified of he's not willing to agree to it and get help then we face further investigation?
What would you do in my situation?

Stop using Christmasas an excuse. They won’t remember, your oldest will remember the smacking and that mummy did nothing

Make plans to leave now, speak to woman’s aid, speak to SS at the meeting

He is not bothered, and wont change

I've decided to wait till after Xmas for the sake of the kids

I know you've had a lot to take in, both IRL and on this thread but just think about this statement. You want to keep your children at risk of being hit and harmed to ensure a happy Christmas. That makes absolutely no sense.

Yes, the the older one might miss their dad if if he isn't there but he will not be at risk of physical harm or ending up in A&E.

As others have said, this meeting is your opportunity to ask for help in escaping this situation. Don't waste it.

He says he's the one who 'works' so all the money is his and 'he' pays the mortgage so it's 'his' house?

What does he think you do all day? Sit on your arse eating crisps? You are looking after his children, you are looking after his house. How much housework does he do? Can he manage his own laundry? What about food, cooking, grocery shopping?

How much do nannies earn?
How much do housekeepers earn?

You're doing that for free. He's bloody lucky. If you were working he'd have to pay a proportion of the childcare, a proportion of the cleaner, etc etc.

At least half his earnings are yours.

What would you do in my situation?

I would do right by my child and leave my partner.

Who reported him to SS for smacking a 2 year old? Did he do in public?

No advice, but I hope you can find the strength and get support to be free of this abuser.

You need to leave now otherwise they will take your kids.

Stop making excuses and please leave. You owe this to your children. How many times do we see women putting their latest partner in front of their children.

DONT BE THAT WOMEN

This meeting is a good opportunity for you to get the help you need.

Explain that you want to leave him but have no- where to go.

Clearly he’s abusive to you and the children. If you are honest with SS about your desire to leave him, they are well placed to help you.

Don’t wait till after Xmas. It’s not exactly going to be a fun Xmas anyway if you’re spending it with an abusive husband.

Hi, OP.
We're not sure that AIBU is the best place for this thread, so we're going to move your thread to Relationships now.

I know its hard to leave just before Christmas (I did it), but there is never a 'good' time to leave. It can be tempting to use Christmas as as a reason not to have to think about it, or make firm plans, when carrying out the plan seems too difficult.

Ask the social worker to help, and don't use Christmas as an excuse.

I would look into an Occupation Order with the backing of SS and get him the f*ck out of the house. Or leave if you think you'd be in danger staying.
If you stay with him, and he does not comply, you are at risk of having the children taken away because they cannot ensure they are being safeguarded.
Christmas doesn't matter for now, all of your safety does. They are 1 and 3 so wont remember this, and they dont have the same concept of Christmas as you.

Sorry to be harsh, but if you don't remove your children from this abusive relationship then Social Services are likely to do it for you. Please accept any help you can get. Explain to the Social Worker than you are desperate to leave but can't. Get legal advice, but no way is he entitled to everything. He's just trying to manipulate you. Stay strong!

I hope you are doing ok and you will be able to get some help from someone to help you leave. A lovely lady on Munsnet said to me before I left my ex once you are in a safe place and are no longer being abused everything seems more manageable and it does. When you are in that state your brain is fried from fear. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did but also the best too. My DS was one when we left and is 3 now. He doesn’t seem to remember the abuse. He talks about the time we went to stay with my family after we left as a happy time.

If the council have nowhere to accommodate you and you are desperate they will put you in a hotel and pay for it. I knew someone who lived in one for a while until she got her house. It was hard but worth it for her to get her own place. You will shoot right to the top of the list too.

Think about how wonderful next Christmas will be when you're all safe from him. You can do this, I promise.

The funny (not funny) thing is, is that as soon as you leave him and he has to pay child maintenance he’ll probably leave his oh-so-important job so he can get out of paying for his children.

Your children and very very little and they need you to make sure they will be safe. SS will think this too. You need to be prepared for this to get heavy duty, especially if he won't engage and especially if you don't recognise that their safety trumps the idea of Xmas as a family.

Pressure like this, Xmas and its complexity (emotionally, financially, conditioning, alcohol) etc all heighten the propensity for abusers to abuse.

Get out, OP, and do it as soon as you can.

Don't know much about the rest, but OP you sound ground down and I'm so sorry you're in this position. You need to gather your strength and leave him, you know know you must, for your Children.

As for UC, it's an evil system and shame on those who voted for the party who brought it in. It's just designed to pay less, simple as that, and the disabled and those trying to flee domestic abuse are often casualties of it. If you own a house, you do not get any help with housing, only if you work and have Children then you get a higher work allowance which could pay your mortgage, but OP doesn't work at the moment for obvious reasons.
I'm not saying OP shouldn't leave, she absolutely must. SS should be able to help, maybe she could rent somewhere with their help.

Wether he has hit your child once or ten times it’s one to many! Why on earth have you stayed with him? It’s like your not listening

Go to a solicitor and make an application for an occupation order excluding him from the property. It won’t be permanent. Maybe only a few weeks but will give you some breathing space to sort yourself out. Saves you having to leave without a plan in place. The court can order he pays the mortgage (though they will need to leave him enough money to live on obviously). Even if the judge doesn’t grant the order - this is important - the SS will see you are doing all you can to protect your children.

@AllTheWeetabix

Wether he has hit your child once or ten times it’s one to many! Why on earth have you stayed with him? It’s like your not listening

People living in the shadow of domestic abuse don't need commentary like this AllTheWeetabix. It's a tough spot and abuse screws with your risk perception, amongst other things.

It's easy to understand OPs reaction. Less so your desire to bundle in to someone's real life crisis with sanctimonious and ill informed comments.

I do CIN meetings, and if he doesnt attend he will be marked as a risk factor. If he continues to refuse to engage SS may take steps to have him away from your children for their safety. He will be seen as uncooperative. They will likely want to check if he is involved in drugs or alcohol and trying to hide something.

You'll have many, many services involved with you now. If your kids are in nursery/pre-school, they will likely be involved in the meetings too. He needs to take this seriously, and stop throwing his toys out the pram.

Hope you’re ok OP. How did the meeting go?

She could get UC whilst she sorts out her asset in martial home.

She could also apply for an occupation order to prevent him from occupying.

[quote biscuitsforbreakfastagain]@Siablue thank you for your kind words. I am here and I am reading everything you've all said, through the tears, trying to get my head straight for the day ahead.
It was Womens Aid that reported him to the police and subsequently SS were involved. So I went to them for help, and I know they did the right thing trying to protect me and the children, but I feel so trapped here, there are no spaces in refuges, there are no council places, my only option is a hotel and I have no money of my own. I'm just trying to do the best I can until a place or some help is available. I've done everything SS have advised. The children don't leave my side.[/quote]
As you are fleeing domestic violence you can go to any council anywhere and ask for help. Someone can help you apply for universal credit to cover the cost of universal credit.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are so brave reaching out for help even though you are in a really scary situation. I'm not sure I would be brave enough myself!

Most councils have an IDVA (independent domestic violence advocate) working in their housing department who could also help you out.

I really hope you are able to get a safe place to stay soon.