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Original poster

Social Services Meeting

196 replies

biscuitsforbreakfastagain · 10/12/2021 05:23

I have a child in need planning meeting next week with social services
Primary concerns are for partner to attend parenting classes, to help manage the children, following reports of him smacking 2 year old
He is not keen and refusing to attend the meeting. Says he has to work and if they want to talk to him will have to be a weekend
Has anyone had this before, am I going to be in trouble if he doesn't attend?
AIBU that I'm absolutely petrified of he's not willing to agree to it and get help then we face further investigation?
What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
OverByYer · 10/12/2021 06:50

Social Services will help you of you are honest with them and work with them.
If you prioritise your relationship above your children then I’m sorry to say you may end up losing them.
He has hit them, he needs to take responsibility for that. If he’s doesn’t then you need to leave. I know it’s not easy but there’s plenty of support out there if you ask for it.

Original poster
biscuitsforbreakfastagain · 10/12/2021 06:59

@AllTheWeetabix

So he hits one of your children and you decide to have another? Wow your just as bad as him. You both should be ashamed of yourself!
The kids were 1 and 3 last month. He hit the eldest once and left a mark - in august this year
OP posts:
Siablue · 10/12/2021 07:02

I would go to the meeting by yourself and get all the support you need to leave safely. Posters telling you to just leave now may think they are being helpful but have no experience of actually dealing with the situation.

There are a lot of things you need to consider in order to keep your kids safe in the long term.

Your partner goes out to work while you are at home with the kids. This gives you the chance to contact women’s aid. You can phone the National Domestic violence helpline but it is very hard to get through to them. You may find it easier to get through to your local branch of women’s aid. They may have restarted drop in sessions again. They can help you make a safety plan for leaving. This is really important as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you try to leave. I would not let your partner know that you are planning to leave.

You need to consider where to go. If you are not safe in your home (you can have your partner removed from the home with an occupation order) you could go to a refuge. You need some advice about legal aid so that you can prevent him getting contact with your DC in the family court (sadly abusers are often given contact with their children). Social services involvement should help here. You also need financial advice about benefits which you can also get from women’s aid.

Don’t worry about Christmas.

Tabbacus · 10/12/2021 07:05

@Siablue

I would go to the meeting by yourself and get all the support you need to leave safely. Posters telling you to just leave now may think they are being helpful but have no experience of actually dealing with the situation.

There are a lot of things you need to consider in order to keep your kids safe in the long term.

Your partner goes out to work while you are at home with the kids. This gives you the chance to contact women’s aid. You can phone the National Domestic violence helpline but it is very hard to get through to them. You may find it easier to get through to your local branch of women’s aid. They may have restarted drop in sessions again. They can help you make a safety plan for leaving. This is really important as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you try to leave. I would not let your partner know that you are planning to leave.

You need to consider where to go. If you are not safe in your home (you can have your partner removed from the home with an occupation order) you could go to a refuge. You need some advice about legal aid so that you can prevent him getting contact with your DC in the family court (sadly abusers are often given contact with their children). Social services involvement should help here. You also need financial advice about benefits which you can also get from women’s aid.

Don’t worry about Christmas.

This is very good advice.

It's bloody hard, but gosh don't risk losing your children for an abusive man. They will have no idea about Christmas as well, itl always be something- after a birthday, after they do x, when they start pre school.

Siablue · 10/12/2021 07:06

@Bagelsandbrie

If you are both on the deeds of the house / it’s owned jointly it doesn’t matter if you’ve been a sahm as half the house is yours.
This is true but owning the house can be a bad thing if you have to leave it as you will not be entitled to benefits and it will cost you thousands in legal fees to get it back. That is why I have advised the OP to find out about occupation orders. Get a lawyer.
neednotknow · 10/12/2021 07:07

I get the feeling OPs not listening but there's some great advice here.

Siablue · 10/12/2021 07:07

Have you got any support from family or friends? Tell them about the abuse.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/12/2021 07:09

You can claim benefits if you own a house - or even if the other person is still living in the house but you are separated. I’ve left an abusive relationship in exactly this situation and was able to claim benefits as a single person. The job centre sent someone round to the house to check we were living separately - ie dh in his own room etc. It does get more complicated if you sell the house and receive equity, yes, there is a savings threshold for universal credit (none for the old tax credits system if op is still on that, we are).

uggmum · 10/12/2021 07:11

If you are a victim of domestic abuse you are entitled to legal aid.

Woman's aid will probably be able to advise you further on this.
If not then your local Citizens Advice will be able to supply you with a list of local solicitors who will see you for free for half and hour. You can then discuss legal aid with them in respect of your circumstances and house situation.

Thegreencup · 10/12/2021 07:12

Go to the meeting and be honest with professionals about his reluctance to attend and your desire to leave but the difficulties in doing so.

The worst thing you can do is bury your head in the sand and make excuses for him. Because social services will see it as a case of him or the children. And if you don't leave him, they can take the children off you.

justamumseekingadvice · 10/12/2021 07:14

I don’t mean to scare you but this was a similar reason as to why my cousin was removed from her mother’s care and raised by her nanny for years and years. Her mum chose to stay with an abusive man and not listen to social services even though she was putting my cousin at risk - she lost her when she was around 6/7 years old and she still doesn’t have custody of her now that she’s in her teenage years. Do not lose your children over a massive piece of crap man - you will regret it for the rest of your life OP.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 10/12/2021 07:17

He can claim the house is his as much as he wants, if it is in joint names then it is also yours. Additionally, of course, the priority is a roof over the children's heads, so he should be leaving you and the children there and providing maintenance for them.

ForAFriend123 · 10/12/2021 07:18

Who reported him to SS?

justamumseekingadvice · 10/12/2021 07:19

Also regarding legal aid (I have had it before multiple times for similar reasons) yes you can get it if you’re a victim of DA however they will take any savings or assets into account so if you’ve got a money in the bank or even potentially your home could be used against you - it might be worth looking into the eligibility criteria.

Siablue · 10/12/2021 07:24

@neednotknow

I get the feeling OPs not listening but there's some great advice here.
The OP is currently under an enormous amount of stress and in that situation having been in it myself your brain is fried. It it not a simple leave snd you will be safe as leaving is risky. She has asked sensible questions about managing the fact that her partner won’t go to the meeting and how she can keep her home.

I think some posters on the thread who are trying to shame the op should reflect on whether they want to help a vulnerable mum and two toddlers or if they just want to bash someone while she is down. She can see that she needs to split up from her partner.

Piling the shame on an abuse victim makes it harder to seek help. A lot of the ladies in my support group said they were ashamed when social services got involved in their family but it was the best thing that happened to them. They were able to help them. You have got nothing to be ashamed of because you are not the one who is abusive.

Fallagain · 10/12/2021 07:26

@biscuitsforbreakfastagain

The social worker is putting a referral forward for me to talk to domestic abuse help. It's been a long tough 12 years when I look at it. A month ago I was ready to leave him, then he made me feel so guilty as always about taking the children away, leaving him on his own etc I believe he is a narcissist, I'm ready to leave him but now I've decided to wait till after Xmas for the sake of the kids. They are 1 and 3. There is a police order in place that he is not allowed to shout at, chastise or hit them. He has changed since the original enquiry came about but now he's being difficult, hasn't attended any SS meetings so far and now says he can't be at the planning meeting. I just don't know where to go with the kids, how to find the strength to leave. We have a joint mortgage which he will probably say is his house because he's been working the last few years to pay for it all and I've been a SAHM
Its in the best interests of the kids to leave NOW not after Christmas. If you don’t keep your children safe from him then the children will be removed from you - obviously that would be far from ideal for the children but living with abuse is far worse.

Don’t lie to yourself that your staying with him for the sake of the kids because that’s simply not true.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2021 07:27

Don't stay 'for the sake of the children'. Leave 'for the sake of the children.'

(Well, you don't leave, he should really).

When you took him back after he hit your child, you prioritised him above your children. You now need to prioritise your children above him.

KevinTheKoala · 10/12/2021 07:27

Social services will protect your children if they think that you can't and if you stay with your partner after that then they are right. You can't. It doesn't matter that he's manipulative and it doesn't matter that he made you feel guilty. He hasn't changed he's treading more carefully but this won't last long. He hit a 2 year old. He hit a 2 year old hard enough to leave a mark! That's serious and I'm sorry but yes, you should have left there and then nothing excuses that and putting off leaving 'for the sake of the kids' is a poor excuse. They won't thank you for it later and you will lose momentum, you will be waiting for the next milestone all the time if you don't get out now and if you wait too long then yes social services will remove the children from that situation for you. Your partner clearly sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and that is terrifying - it will happen again OP and what happens next time he misjudges how hard he hits the 3 year old? Or if he decides to hit the 1 year old!

Sceptre86 · 10/12/2021 07:30

I'd leave the bastard that hurt my child.

Your post sounds so defeatist, people like this can grind you down so much so your confidence erodes and you can't think straight. That being said you need to access support from somewhere and get the children away from him. Not wanting to attend the meeting means he isn't willing or wanting to deal with his own behaviour maybe doesnt see any issues with it and that is dangerous.

HolidayTime2021 · 10/12/2021 07:31

The threshold for a referral is very high, particularly with a 1 and 3 year old. Are you minimising this?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/12/2021 07:35

@AllTheWeetabix

So he hits one of your children and you decide to have another? Wow your just as bad as him. You both should be ashamed of yourself!
No she isn't. Don't be so bloody nasty. Can't you see how beaten down she is? How he's in control here? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Suretobe · 10/12/2021 07:36

For the sake of the kids leave before Xmas!

gogohm · 10/12/2021 07:38

You need to leave now not later - do you have family/friends who could pick up bags of belongings and store before you leave? Then with the help of the police, social services and domestic violence workers they will take you to a place of safety and give you the legal advice about things such as your home.

You need to take steps to protect your children otherwise social services may decide you aren't keeping them safe. They won't remember Christmas and anyway if you are placed in a shelter they will try to make it special for them

Romemarie · 10/12/2021 07:38

Id go to the meeting tell them he is refusing to work with social services. Clearly its unimportant to him not to give up a hour or 2 or his time.

But yes you need to leave him. No way I'd wait around any longer. Id left the second he raised his hand. Id prove to social services that I could keep my children safe by leaving the abusive dickhead..

Switch82 · 10/12/2021 07:39

Hi OP I’m don’t think AIBU is the place for this thread - you need proper advice I’m not sure where it should go. Women’s Aid is a very good place to start and as PP has said please tell SS what you wish to do. Also make a note from another PP about occupation orders - but please speak with SS - you must go. Sending strength