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Original poster

Social Services Meeting

196 replies

biscuitsforbreakfastagain · 10/12/2021 05:23

I have a child in need planning meeting next week with social services
Primary concerns are for partner to attend parenting classes, to help manage the children, following reports of him smacking 2 year old
He is not keen and refusing to attend the meeting. Says he has to work and if they want to talk to him will have to be a weekend
Has anyone had this before, am I going to be in trouble if he doesn't attend?
AIBU that I'm absolutely petrified of he's not willing to agree to it and get help then we face further investigation?
What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
SunnySideDownBriefly · 10/12/2021 09:38

I think the only route for you is to become homeless by leaving him due to the children being at risk. This will get you bumped up the list and council will have to put you in emergency housing. It isn't the same as making yourself 'intentionally homeless' if you are leaving due to the risk of violence towards you or your children. SS involvement will actually help you at this point.

theDudesmummy · 10/12/2021 09:44

Just to echo what everyone else has said. Go to the meeting, be open, honest and non-defensive, and tell them he has refused to come. Ask for help to leave. Forget whether it is Christmas or not, that is not relevent to such tiny. You will get help and you will be seen as a good mum if you do this, which will stand you in very good stead for any battles he pits against you in the future.

theDudesmummy · 10/12/2021 09:45

*tiny children

Notwithittoday · 10/12/2021 09:51

You’ve got to think worse case scenario here. They could take your kids. They will be looking to tighten things up now after poor Arthur. You can’t afford to mess about. Get rid of the violent monster

Anothermother3 · 10/12/2021 09:54

It could be good that he isn’t going they can help you if you want to leave.

Tinsellittis · 10/12/2021 09:54

LTB immediately

Bubblecap · 10/12/2021 10:09

I grew up in an incredibly violent household, till my stepfather died when I was 12. The worst thing he ever did to me personally was have his hands round my throat shouting in my face, my head was being pushed against a glass door in a display cabinet, this was not long before he happily for me had a heart attack and died. My strongest memory as a very small child are of my Mother cringing in an armchair when he had thrown his dinner up the wall threatening to kill her. It also drove my Mother mad and she used to beat us with a bamboo garden cane. She stopped hitting us when he died. Myself and all my siblings have MH issues caused by the violence they endured and witnessed. Then two of my sisters ended up with seriously abusive partners.

Please leave him.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 10/12/2021 10:13

I'm ready to leave him but now I've decided to wait till after Xmas for the sake of the kids. They are 1 and 3.

One of your children was hit, that DC is on hyper-alert and will be in no mood to celebrate Christmas with an abuser no matter how loving they appear to be towards that abuser.

If you've read the current thread about 'worst adult behaviour at Christmas' then you'd stop believing in 'for the sake of the kids'. Split now, the best gift DC can have is being somewhere they're safe when it's got to this.

When does the recent DV proposal come in about abusers being the ones who have to leave, not the partners and children having to be relocated?

Missey85 · 10/12/2021 10:15

Your choice here is your child or the asshole that hits him make the right choice or you'll lose your child

ClawedButler · 10/12/2021 10:16

I don't have any useful advice, I just wanted to post that I think you're doing so so well, you've clearly been ground down by this man for so long you don't know which way is up anymore, and it takes enormous strength to get out of a situation like that.
I hope the meeting goes well and, as PPs suggest, you use it as an opportunity to access support to leave.
Wishing you strength, courage and success, and nest-of-vipers-y Flowers

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/12/2021 10:26

Are you in Scotland?

Fizzbangwallop · 10/12/2021 10:26

@biscuitsforbreakfastagain go to the meeting and be completely honest with them. Tell them that you need support to leave but you are scared and need their help. Despite their reputation, social workers want to keep you and your children safe as their immediate priority.

I know you must feel scared and stressed, but you will be ok if you go to the meeting on your own. The people in the meeting will have dealt with many similar situations before and will understand how upsetting this is. Good luck!

43leftfeet · 10/12/2021 10:36

Don't let them think you are part of thr problem.

This. Whatever you do, don't minimise the threat that he poses to you and your DC. If SS think you are failing to protect your DC from him (in practical terms, this often means, not leaving him, basically) then you risk losing your DC.

Tell SS you want to leave and follow through.

Wife2b · 10/12/2021 10:40

Hi OP, social worker here. You will not be penalised for him not attending - he will. He will be assessed as not cooperating with professionals to address areas of concern. Unfortunately the longer he does not cooperate, the likelihood of ongoing involvement is high. It sounds to me like he is minimising concerns and shying away from any responsibility. Can you ask your social worker to do this meeting virtually via teams? (Most meetings are done like this at the moment due to Covid) so he’ll only need to get out of work for 30-45mins and he can be dialled into the meeting. The best thing you can do is evidence to your social worker that you have the capacity to safeguard your children. I see this all the time where one parent is the problem but doesn’t take any responsibility and the onus is on the other parent to step up and do the right thing, it’s not fair at all but it is what it is. Make sure your social worker knows you are working with them but are struggling to get your partner to cooperate.

Notsomerryandbright · 10/12/2021 10:41

Op you must leave him. It will eventually boil down to you choosing between your abusive partner or your two innocent children.

Don't hang around and make it look like you're dithering or you will be deemed a risk factor for not protecting them.

As everyone else has said, you go to that meeting and ask for help to leave. Then follow through. They will help you.

user1471538283 · 10/12/2021 10:46

What a coward to hit a small child and then refuse to face up to the consequences and learn from it. He does this but doesn't want anyone to know. If my child were at risk of being taken away I would do anything to stop this happening - he does not care.

You have to leave him. You could easily lose your children over this. This is really serious if Social Services are involved. At such a young age all the children need is the "magic" of Christmas such as walks around the local area to see the lights, hot chocolate, maybe a visit to Santa, watching Christmas movies, following Santa on Christmas Eve via Norad, a small present, a tree if you can and a nice dinner. That sounds much much better than being in a violent household.

BertieBotts · 10/12/2021 10:47

I left on 1st December, 12 years ago.

It was a different Christmas, but it was fine. We were safe. DS was happy. I took his presents with me, he didn't care where we were he just liked opening them.

I went to my mum, but being in your own place or even a refuge would be fine as well.

Leaving was the best thing I ever did. I believe in you.

missminimum · 10/12/2021 10:50

I have not read the whole thread, so sorry if I am repeating advice.
Not going to this meeting clearly shows to you and the Social Workers that he is not prioritising the welfare of the children or you, but you know that really already. It is typical behaviour of an abuser, as he is trying to exert power and control over even this situation, it is all about him trying to divert the attention to himself and keep trying to enforce power over others. Do not try to persuade him to go, it is his decision and will speak volumes to all those involved about his attitude. Social Workers are used to dealing with these situations
It is really important you go to the meeting and engage with this process, it is Child in Need as Social Services can see that you are willing to have their support. If you do not fully engage with this process, they can then seek to place your children on a Child Protection plan.
If he does not attend the meeting, it will give you chance to speak more freely, so will be a more productive meeting and the professionals will be able to do the same. Please see this as an opportunity to improve things for yourself and the children. Take all the help they offer, it may be hard to begin with, he has eroded your confidence, but your children's welfare is worth it. Be open and honest, as if they find you have hidden things from them, it will not reflect well on you. They can help you leave this man and have a better life, your children will be better without him. He will not change, so don't believe him if he says he will. If you continue in your relationship your children will be placed on a child protection plan. They deserve your protection and this process is in place to help you do that.
Sometimes when abusers are being challenged, as he is at the moment, abuse can escalate, so be cautious for your safety and have the contact of Womens Aid. Professionals can help you work on a plan to leave him
See this as your opportunity to get the help you and the children need, be honest with professionals and do not make excuses for him, you know his behaviour is placing the children's emotional and possibly physical welfare at risk.
You may need to consider leaving him before Christmas, as if his behaviour escalates it will not be a happy christmas memory for them in the end. Your priority is the welfare of the children and your safety, not Christmas
Take care and remember you have nothing to worry about from Social Services if you are honest with them and accept their help

caketiger · 10/12/2021 10:51

I say this every time.... Once SS are involved the rules of engagement change. If he won't do what Is asked of him then they will expect you to do what you need to to keep your child safe. That will mean leaving him.

RealBecca · 10/12/2021 11:05

Keeping them by your side is no life.
Its not safety. You said there was domestic violence as well before he moved to hitting the kids.

Youre now at the staft of having to leave him or giving up the kids. Leaving him is probably the best present you could give them for xmas.

Burnshersmurfs · 10/12/2021 11:21

@BertieBotts

I left on 1st December, 12 years ago.

It was a different Christmas, but it was fine. We were safe. DS was happy. I took his presents with me, he didn't care where we were he just liked opening them.

I went to my mum, but being in your own place or even a refuge would be fine as well.

Leaving was the best thing I ever did. I believe in you.

Adding my voice to this- left 16 years ago on the 19th December pregnant with a 2 year old. Life is warm, safe and happy now and I'm surrounded with people I love and who love me. There have also been some wonderful professionals who have supported me and my kids along the way. It's been much easier to rely on myself than on someone unreliable who didn't care about us enough to stop hurting us.
ToughTittyWhompus · 10/12/2021 11:25

I left a week before Christmas whilst heavily pregnant. Best thing I ever did.

whistleryukon · 10/12/2021 11:37

It won't be good enough that you're at the meeting and willing to work with the CIN plan. It's futile without his meaningful engagement. So the SW will want you to make a decision. Leave him, or a child protection conference will be convened - at the very least. I'm sure that you realise that no decent SW is going to allow their name to be recorded on a plan for you to stay with him 'until after Christmas'. He's either a risk or he isn't.

Pigsears · 10/12/2021 11:38

You'll always be on 'hyper alert'. Wont trust your partner to look after your children. Be wary of raising your voice. Be wary of the children 'winding him up'. Worried if he has a bad day. Not share when you have had a bad day- in case it winds him up- or he uses it as 'ammunition' against you.

Its exhausting.

I believe you.

Leave.

Jux · 10/12/2021 11:51

You know he will escalate, don't you? This will only be 'the first time' he hits your child. He'll do it again now he's broken through the taboo.

Does he hit you?

There are ways to force him out of the house, while you and the babies remain, SS will help as will WA, as will the police and any other agency which becomes involved.

SS want to help you, so co-operate with them. Keep notes of his behaviour towards you and towards the babes, date each incident. This will prove invaluable in the future. Also note down abuse you remember with month/year as far as you can.

Find a good family law solicitor.

Go to the meeting and be honest.

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you but you're heading in the right direction. One step at a time and you'll get there.