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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Social Services Meeting

196 replies

biscuitsforbreakfastagain · 10/12/2021 05:23

I have a child in need planning meeting next week with social services
Primary concerns are for partner to attend parenting classes, to help manage the children, following reports of him smacking 2 year old
He is not keen and refusing to attend the meeting. Says he has to work and if they want to talk to him will have to be a weekend
Has anyone had this before, am I going to be in trouble if he doesn't attend?
AIBU that I'm absolutely petrified of he's not willing to agree to it and get help then we face further investigation?
What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 10/12/2021 08:05

Housing benefit is part of UC. I have many clients on UC receiving support for rent where they have left their owned home due to abuse.

Happy1982ish · 10/12/2021 08:06

Who reported him OP?

Happy1982ish · 10/12/2021 08:06

@MrsBertBibby

Housing benefit is part of UC. I have many clients on UC receiving support for rent where they have left their owned home due to abuse.

Correct

ToughTittyWhompus · 10/12/2021 08:07

@MrsBertBibby

Housing benefit is part of UC. I have many clients on UC receiving support for rent where they have left their owned home due to abuse.

This is why she needs to tell them, because there are systems in place to allow her to get the housing element, and they can reassure her of that.

BurnedToast · 10/12/2021 08:07

Can't you use the meeting to say you want help to leave him? Surely these people would know how to help.

thenewduchessofhastings · 10/12/2021 08:08

Go to the meeting without him and tell SS you want to leave and take the children but have no where to go.

This shows willingness to protect your children.Ask them to help you with leaving him.

Happy1982ish · 10/12/2021 08:09

@BurnedToast

Can't you use the meeting to say you want help to leave him? Surely these people would know how to help.

The OP leaving him is no doubt their preference and they’d be very keen to assist

GreetingsAndSalutations · 10/12/2021 08:10

[quote biscuitsforbreakfastagain]@Siablue thank you for your kind words. I am here and I am reading everything you've all said, through the tears, trying to get my head straight for the day ahead.
It was Womens Aid that reported him to the police and subsequently SS were involved. So I went to them for help, and I know they did the right thing trying to protect me and the children, but I feel so trapped here, there are no spaces in refuges, there are no council places, my only option is a hotel and I have no money of my own. I'm just trying to do the best I can until a place or some help is available. I've done everything SS have advised. The children don't leave my side.[/quote]
You’re doing the right things so far and I understand your worries and fears. Accept as much help and assistance as is offered to you. You and your children will be ok long term as long as you cut this bastard loose and follow the directions of social services and other agencies involved.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2021 08:11

Reframe this. His not attending is an excellent opportunity for you to ask for the support and help you need.

Fairylights25 · 10/12/2021 08:16

Op Christmas is the very least of your worries. The safety of your children is paramount.

Domestic violence actually increases at Christmas.

Your children will be none the wiser where he is, given their age, tell them he is helping Father Christmas, but really in order to put yourself in the best position he needs to go and the relationship end. You sound like you have been building up to this for so long, you CAN do it op. For your babies, summon the strength and do it this time, you have help and support and people that care about you and the children

LIZS · 10/12/2021 08:17

His unwillingness to attend and your inability to put the dc wellbeing first by leaving will trigger further investigation. Even if the meeting/course was at a weekend he'd find reasons not to go. He is setting your family up to fail. At 1 and 3 Christmas is not as important as escaping an abusive situation. Do you have any relatives you could go to short term or ask the sw to help you safeguard them with emergency accommodation.

Siablue · 10/12/2021 08:18

@MrsBertBibby

Housing benefit is part of UC. I have many clients on UC receiving support for rent where they have left their owned home due to abuse.

How did they manage that? I am very happy for the OP that that was the case but very sad for myself as I have lost out on 2 years of universal credit and legal aid. I was told by both the benefits helpline and Shelter that I was entitled to nothing.

Dragongirl10 · 10/12/2021 08:19

Op please take the excellent advice here...forget Chrismas, get your children away from this man any way you and as fast as possible.

Do you not see how wrong it is is for a grown man to hit a 2year old hard enough to leave a mark.

If my DH of 20 years did something like this l would leave the same day or force him to leave.....you need to find your strength for your childrens sake.

Happy1982ish · 10/12/2021 08:23

@Siablue

I’m a home owner
I receive UC
No housing benefit though obviously

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 10/12/2021 08:25

OP, if he doesn’t attend it’s likely to trigger a child protection conference.

Your actions are key here. They need to see that you are capable of protecting your children otherwise, to be blunt, you could lose them.
You need to show that you recognise the abuse and will protect your dc. You need to prove that you are not a risk and that means acting to protect your dc.

Siablue · 10/12/2021 08:26

[quote Happy1982ish]@Siablue

I’m a home owner
I receive UC
No housing benefit though obviously[/quote]
Do you live in your home or did you have to leave it. That it what we are trying to work out. The OP owns a home that she may have to leave but has no money to do so. Owning a home that you do not live in is a problem for UC.

kittensinthekitchen · 10/12/2021 08:29

@ApolloandDaphne

I think given your update that you go to the meeting and lay your cards on the table. Tell them that he is refusing to engage and you are now ready leave him and would like support to do so. If there are problem sitting round the table you may find they are willing to help you and you can get this written into the plan. Use all the suppers you can get and keep your children safe.

If you only pay attention to one post on this thread, make it this one!

You need to leave. Your children are at risk and you need to show you can keep them safe.

Happy1982ish · 10/12/2021 08:29

I live in it

Good point

Home owner And live in property - fine
Not sure about alternative

Siablue · 10/12/2021 08:30

This charity helps people get non molestation orders and occupation orders and which could help you stay in your home. It is worth giving them a call. www.dvassist.org.uk/

VaguelyInteresting · 10/12/2021 08:30

Hi OP

Do you have family you could stay with temporarily?

Can you convince him to leave to stay with his family whilst you sort out a proper separation and possibly house sale?

Either way. In your position if I possibly could, I would be ensuring that SS could see I was doing EVERYTHING to put the children first. Otherwise as said upthread, there is the potential for SS to intervene further if they consider the children to be in danger.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/12/2021 08:32

@MrsBertBibby

OP I an a family solicitor.

Please, please don't "wait for Christmas". Call a family solicitor today about getting him out. If you're around London I can suggest some.

This...

This is what you need to do,

Get a decent solicitor on side...

He NEEDS to LEAVE the house ...

Not making you and your tiny kids homeless...

Lovemusic33 · 10/12/2021 08:34

OP, you have to leave him or you risk losing your children.

Please do what others have suggested and go to the meting without him, tell SS that you are leaving him and you need help to sort out doing it safely. Contact women’s aid too.

Do not stay with a man who hits your children, you need to show SS that you are protecting them by removing this man from your home.

ohreallynotreally · 10/12/2021 08:36

@Landlubber2019

This, if you make excuses for his non attendance, you will be enabling him and will be seen as a risk to the children. Go and ask for support to keep your children safe and importantly with you!

Great advice.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/12/2021 08:37

As others have siad...

The threshold for Social services involvement is HIGH... They're already deeming the risk unacceptable...

You MUST lay your cards on table...
Essentially tell them he WILL NOT ENGAGE and he is leaving the property..

And you will do EVERYTHING in your babies' interests (that is WHAT SOCIAL SERVICES suggest.) to protect your kids...

Don't let them think you are part of thr problem.

Fairylights25 · 10/12/2021 08:38

What you do now, in terms of acknowledging what he has done and his lack of engagement and the desperate need to get rid of him, this will make all the difference to how they approach your case.

If you are on board, with the safety of your children as your number one issue and housing away from him - or staying inside your home but with a court orders to keep him away.

They will be assessing YOUR ability to keep the tiny children you have safe. After the Arthur case they will be even more switched on than usual. Please make it clear that the relationship is ending and you need their help to keep him away.

Nothing more than can salvaged with him, and as hard as that is you need to look now at how you can save yourself and your babies.

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