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Original poster

Social Services Meeting

196 replies

biscuitsforbreakfastagain · 10/12/2021 05:23

I have a child in need planning meeting next week with social services
Primary concerns are for partner to attend parenting classes, to help manage the children, following reports of him smacking 2 year old
He is not keen and refusing to attend the meeting. Says he has to work and if they want to talk to him will have to be a weekend
Has anyone had this before, am I going to be in trouble if he doesn't attend?
AIBU that I'm absolutely petrified of he's not willing to agree to it and get help then we face further investigation?
What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
AmIBeingsillyy · 10/12/2021 08:38

Ok , so slightly different situation but I was accused of smacking my child and reported (I’d had a verbal disagreement with nursery manager about snacks and she was so angry she made a false accusation which was taken seriously as she was a ‘professional’)
We had to attend meetings and we had to make sure we were available when we were told, they say jump you say how high so your dp needs to realise this - the meeting comes first !

That said he sounds unpleasant and I agree you’d be better off asking for help to leave him

Good luck

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/12/2021 08:38

PS men who are violént often get more so at Christmas...

Please do not wait!!

felulageller · 10/12/2021 08:40

The council has to provide you with temporary accommodation if you are fleeing violence. If they refuse, see if WA or Shelter can refer you to a solicitor who can force them.

At those DC's ages I'd advise moving to another area altogether.

Do you have any savings? Could you get a private let somewhere? Even a 1 bed would do temporarily while you rebuild your life.

Immaculatemisconception · 10/12/2021 08:42

I’ve worked with families where there is violence. If you show you are ready and keen to work with services, a place can be found for you in a refuge. There will be somewhere but possibly not where you live. Be prepared to go anywhere to protect your children.

We helped a woman leave safely and she went 45 miles away from her home into a refuge. Another woman moved 250 miles. Be prepared to do this, and services will help you. 💐

Ponoka7 · 10/12/2021 08:45

Engage asap with the DV services. Once a man knows that the woman is leaving it's a dangerous time. Christmas escalates things, so it's essential to take the advice given so they will know you will safeguard the children. The DV services can help with lots of practical issues, or signpost you. You need to carry your phone constantly around with you and be prepared to phone the police. Take advice on emotional abuse and aggressive behaviour and what is enough to have him removed.

kittensinthekitchen · 10/12/2021 08:47

That there is a police order preventing your partner from chastising his children shows that this is already very serious.

They are telling you what you need to do. Please do it.

AgentJohnson · 10/12/2021 08:49

Engage with SS and take the support and advice offered. Him not engaging reflects poorly on him, you not engaging reflects poorly on you.

This is an opportunity, to get free of him, take it!

LakieLady · 10/12/2021 08:52

@Siablue

You can’t make him come but you need to show you are doing what you can to protect your DC.

He is not going to change because he doesn’t want to. Hopefully that means that when you leave he will leave you alone.

You can get an order that allows you to stay in the house and makes him leave. I think it is called an occupation order. You should be able to get legal aid as a result of domestic abuse.

If you want to stay in the family home and are safe to do so then that is your best option. I left a home I owned due to domestic abuse and I was not entitled to universal credit or legal aid because I owned a home I didn’t live in. If you stay you will be entitled though because you are living in the home.

You should have been allowed UC, @Siablue.

When there's a relationship breakdown, the value of the matrimonial home is disregarded for 6 months. This period can be extended and I have never known the DWP to refuse an extension in DV cases.

One client had her home disregarded for almost 3 years.

I'm amazed that legal aid don't disregard it, too. That's shocking.

Redburnett · 10/12/2021 08:52

Your partner is making his position very clear, he is not willing to get help to change. That really gives you no option but to prioritise your children and leave.

Somebodylikeyew · 10/12/2021 08:54

I think this is good actually OP.

Go on your own; put your cards on the table and say you want to leave. Ask for all the advice and resources to help you do that.

LakieLady · 10/12/2021 08:58

@uggmum

If you are a victim of domestic abuse you are entitled to legal aid. Woman's aid will probably be able to advise you further on this. If not then your local Citizens Advice will be able to supply you with a list of local solicitors who will see you for free for half and hour. You can then discuss legal aid with them in respect of your circumstances and house situation.
When you have money arising from the sale of a house that, too can be disregarded, if it's your intention to use it to buy another home. And again, the period of the disregard can be extended if the DWP are satisfied that you're genuinely trying to buy somewhere.

I think it's really important that people aren't scared to leave because they wrongly think they'll be penniless because they have an interest in their former home.

WhoAre · 10/12/2021 08:59

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThackeryBinks · 10/12/2021 09:03

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. The trouble with unequal relationships is they change how you think. You are in the head space where his need for power and control has squashed you. This makes you feel like you can't cope. You can cope, you are strong and you will do whatever it takes to protect you all. You already did that by going to women's aid. I don't need to tell you that you need to be really careful with your safety right now. There's a good life for you all on the other side of this abusive man.

WhoAre · 10/12/2021 09:06

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DrBlackbird · 10/12/2021 09:09

@2reefsin30knots

I think there are plenty of examples of women who have lost their children, not because they were a risk but because they failed to leave a man who was.
^^ This

Years ago, a friend of DC was removed after allegations of abuse against the father. She was allowed to return to the mother after the father left the home until the mother let the father back to see their DD. Then she was taken permanently into care. This poor poor child has had an utterly shit life. Please do not allow that to happen to your children. They need to stay with you. You need to leave. There is always a way.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 10/12/2021 09:10

@biscuitsforbreakfastagain - haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but incase no-one else has spoken to you about it, given the concerns about domestic abuse too you could speak to your social worker about the possibility of an exclusion order from the property, this would allow you to remain there but he would have to leave, it's a court order and can be enforced by the Police.

Please just share all your thinking with your SW, your motivation to go the barriers for you to leave and they will absolutely help you leave him safely.

OhRexy · 10/12/2021 09:13

@Somebodylikeyew

I think this is good actually OP.

Go on your own; put your cards on the table and say you want to leave. Ask for all the advice and resources to help you do that.

This ^ Childrens Social Care are looking for you to protect the children from their father. You are a victim of him too and I absolutely understand how hard it is to leave and keep away from an abuser but it's what you need to do.

They need to support you in this and help you to keep the kids safe. Don't stay until after Christmas, call them social worker today if you can.

As for him, CIN processes are not compulsory but him not engaging will likely lead to child protection planning if nothing changes.

I wish you all the strength to get through this.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 10/12/2021 09:14

The very best Christmas present you could ever give your children is to leave their abusive Dad. Smile

But I know that's not easy. So do take the wise advice that SiaBlue has offered, and do go along to the meeting yourself and ask for support to leave or get him out of your home and your children's home. Remind them that he has been abusing you too. SS can advise you and point you at support, and they will want to help.

Other thing - you can report this thread and ask for it to be moved to Relationships. There is a lot of support on Relationships from women who have been through it themslves.

tallduckandhandsome · 10/12/2021 09:15

I agree with others, go on your own. Forget Christmas, they're young and their safety and wellbeing is the most important thing.

cookiemonster2468 · 10/12/2021 09:16

He will be in trouble if he doesn't attend, yes. This is a priority above work, just as something like a court case or medical issue would be.

If he can't see that then things will escalate and this will go down as a mark against his name that he is obviously not prioritising any of this or taking it seriously.

Couchbettato · 10/12/2021 09:21

Op is it possible for you to get a free half hour with a solicitor to discuss either keeping your home or forcing a sale so you can split the equity and secure yourself financially for a while?

SS may have resources for this though I'm not sure.

When I left my abuser I was renting so it made things easier so never undertook this route.

You've got this. Just go to the meeting, remember the only persons actions you can control are your own.

If your partner does not show up that can and will be held against HIM, not you. You just need to cooperate. They're there for yours and your children's protection.

I know it's hard to feel like you're not responsible for an abusers actions but that's because they've groomed you to feel like that. It's classic "look what you made me do" territory.

Go out, grab a couple of notebooks and pens, write down everything the solicitor says if you get to speak to one, write down everything social services say, write down any questions you want to ask now but might be too worried to in the moment to give you a prompt.

Remember your buzzwords, ask them for Protection and Support in Leaving.

His attendance will purely assist or (hopefully) desist him with any sort of visitation of the children, so if he doesn't turn up, good! It's what you want ultimately. The less he cooperates the less likely he is to get any sort of custody though that's another battle for another day.

Take it one day at a time. Just be a sponge right now. Soak up all the information they give you, and digest it later.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 10/12/2021 09:23

I'm going to be frank with you. They will not see him on the weekend. If he does not attend then he will be considered an ongoing risk to the child and not engaging with services.

This means that they will attempt to remove him from the equation. You will be advised to leave him. If you do not, or if you take too long or if you facilitate contact between him and the child that is not cleared with social services the next step will be removing the children from the situation.

They don't care if he's being difficult. They don't care about if he's been better lately. They care about the child. If you let it get to this point where you are seen to not be protecting them in order to save your relationship then you will lose them.

OhDear2200 · 10/12/2021 09:32

@notanothertakeaway

Absolutely, the problem is many children who have been in that situation don’t see it that way as adults. They see a parent who failed to protect them and put their needs before them. It causes long term trauma that impacts their whole life.

OP - good luck I hope you find the strength to leave mentally and physically

PineappleWilson · 10/12/2021 09:32

OP, there is a thread at the moment of the worst adult behaviour you've seen at Christmas. It's full of messages from posters remembering drunk and abusive parents at Christmas. A friend of mine left her abusive DH when he hit their eldest hard at the same age as your eldest. The child, now an adult, has no memory of this time, but just knows his mum left his dad because he was abusive.

I think you would also want your child to be the one who doesn't remember a rough start, but knows that his mum left an abusive home and got him to safety, than to be one writing on a thread about how terrible their childhood Christmases were.

You have given this guy enough of your energy and time.

Franklyfrost · 10/12/2021 09:35

Go to the meeting. Tell them you want to leave. Ask for help. Ask who can help and plan a next step. The kids are too young to understand if Christmas is different to usual, so please don’t use that as an excuse, it makes you sound like your not serious about leaving. Good luck.