Social Services Meeting

[biscuitsforbreakfastagain]

I have a child in need planning meeting next week with social services
Primary concerns are for partner to attend parenting classes, to help manage the children, following reports of him smacking 2 year old
He is not keen and refusing to attend the meeting. Says he has to work and if they want to talk to him will have to be a weekend
Has anyone had this before, am I going to be in trouble if he doesn't attend?
AIBU that I'm absolutely petrified of he's not willing to agree to it and get help then we face further investigation?
What would you do in my situation?

OP, your trains of thought will be wild right now due to the stress you are under.

But for the sake of your children - listen to the advice on here.

AIBU that I'm absolutely petrified of he's not willing to agree to it and get help then we face further investigation?

I can’t actually believe what I’m reading. You’re petrified of further (very warranted) investigation, but you’re not petrified of a grown adult man beating up your baby?

I hope SS can find a place quickly to get your babies out of harm’s way. With or without you.

Leave.

You need to leave this man now. By remaining with him you risk losing your children. Why on earth are you still with him? Stop making excuses and get out. You have help available.....use it!

@Siablue thank you for your kind words. I am here and I am reading everything you've all said, through the tears, trying to get my head straight for the day ahead.
It was Womens Aid that reported him to the police and subsequently SS were involved. So I went to them for help, and I know they did the right thing trying to protect me and the children, but I feel so trapped here, there are no spaces in refuges, there are no council places, my only option is a hotel and I have no money of my own. I'm just trying to do the best I can until a place or some help is available. I've done everything SS have advised. The children don't leave my side.

The children won't care if you're with him at Christmas. Leave him now. They're too young to have expectations of Christmas.

@biscuitsforbreakfastagain tell SS today that you want to leave. Tell them you are on the deeds and won’t qualify for benefits - ask them if there’s a way to circumvent this as you’re fleeing DV. Tell them you want to protect your children but don’t know how when you are totally financially reliant on a man that abuses all of you.

There are things they can do in these circumstances. I promise. I supported my cousin through a few years ago.

My friend moved out (no Kids, not same situation) of jointly owned place and was able to force sale of house.

@biscuitsforbreakfastagain as there has been abuse, the police can make your partner leave the home and you can change the locks.

Have you any family? What about your parents?

I echo pp advice - go to the meeting and instead use it as the chance to ask for help and support to make a plan to leave.

OP I an a family solicitor.

Please, please don't "wait for Christmas". Call a family solicitor today about getting him out. If you're around London I can suggest some.

Hi OP I feel for you as you’re in a really difficult situation however you do seem to be minimising it. Highly unlikely this was a one off and you’ll know that. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions. A grown man hitting a toddler. His toddler so hard he leaves a mark. He is outraged that he is being called into account for his actions. You don’t say anything about whether he has been violent to you. I’m guessing he has.

You say you want to stay with him for the sake of the children at Christmas. This I fear is just an excuse not to do the right thing and leave him. Imagine in years to come trying to explain your rationale to your children. To have another Christmas with their violent father. Christmas is often a stressful time. Are you planning to supervise and police your partner 24/7 just incase he lashes out again. You’ll be tiptoeing round him trying not to upset him. Keep the kids quiet etc. You’re setting yourself up for a miserable impossible and potentially dangerous Christmas.

Your partner is not accepting responsibility. He does not see he has done anything wrong and if unchecked would likely hit your children or you again. You don’t seem to be seeing this.

Having been at many many child protection meetings over the years. In Scotland so not sure of English procedures but I understand child protection very well. The best advice I could give you is go to this meeting. Do as others have said. Use this opportunity without him to say you do not condone his behaviour. You are frightened. You want to do the best for your children. You want to leave him but need help. What are your options. You need support. Can you stay at home with the kids and get him to leave.

I see no other option for you or you are going to be seen as someone who cannot protect her children. Keep your children and yourself safe. Be strong. He has done a job on you. Good luck x

@2reefsin30knots

I think there are plenty of examples of women who have lost their children, not because they were a risk but because they failed to leave a man who was.

Domestic abuse is complicated, and there's now less judgement of women who "failed to protect". More understanding that the woman is also a victim

This might interest you

safeandtogetherinstitute.com/about-us/about-the-model/

Adult domestic violence survivors, instead of being treated with compassion and support, consistent with their situation, are met with blame and a “failure to protect” mentality. Domestic violence perpetrators as parents are all but ignored by systems

Leave him now. Christmas with a narcissist isn't like a Hallmark movie. Abusers are if anything more abusive over holidays.

@Siablue

I would go to the meeting by yourself and get all the support you need to leave safely. Posters telling you to just leave now may think they are being helpful but have no experience of actually dealing with the situation.

There are a lot of things you need to consider in order to keep your kids safe in the long term.

Your partner goes out to work while you are at home with the kids. This gives you the chance to contact women’s aid. You can phone the National Domestic violence helpline but it is very hard to get through to them. You may find it easier to get through to your local branch of women’s aid. They may have restarted drop in sessions again. They can help you make a safety plan for leaving. This is really important as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you try to leave. I would not let your partner know that you are planning to leave.

You need to consider where to go. If you are not safe in your home (you can have your partner removed from the home with an occupation order) you could go to a refuge. You need some advice about legal aid so that you can prevent him getting contact with your DC in the family court (sadly abusers are often given contact with their children). Social services involvement should help here. You also need financial advice about benefits which you can also get from women’s aid.

Don’t worry about Christmas.

I agree with @Siablue

People saying "just leave" are trying to help, but it's not as simple as that

I would think your best bet is to work with social work. Don't think of them as the enemy. They can offer you support

What would I do?
What would any decent mother do?

Leave him.
And hope he doesn’t agree to what social services have decreed so that he can’t have contact woth them.

Come on Op.

Tell them you are on the deeds and won’t qualify for benefits

It is not the case that home ownership prevents you from claiming benefits.

Social services sound as though very heavily involved

Lean on them. Get their support. Say you need help.

* Tell them you are on the deeds and won’t qualify for benefits*

ONLY for housing benefit

NOT for universal credit

Ie she would be entitled to UC despite being a home owner

As others have said, I’d get rid of the partner. He’s hit his child, social services are giving him a chance to make things right and he won’t. His family are not a priority for him. He doesn’t deserve them.

I am sorry but I wouldn't wait for christmas - people have strong feelings at christmas and I would be concerned things would esculate. Your kids are very young and they have will have NO MEMORY of this Christmas - they may just have a memory of feeling bad or frightened though and no idea why they feel this way. They also have no idea about dates - if you want christmas pull it earlier in december or later in december somewhere away from him.

I had to take notes in a CIN meeting where a parent refused to leave the other parent who had hurt a child, and it was seen by the social worker as a huge risk due to lack of good judgement. Either both parents need to show they are willing to parent differently and follow the parenting classes and SS recommendations or both will (probably) be seen as complicit in letting abuse happen.

Yes it’s “only” housing element of UC, but considering how much rent costs and how little UC pays, I’d wager at least 75% of that will be eaten up by rent and then how does she pay the rest of her bills and feed them?