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Original poster

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:
Roseyleaf · 08/12/2021 16:05

Your partner seems to be loving it, keeping his ex sweet and being disrespectful to you.
I wouldn't be accepting of that.

madisonbridges · 08/12/2021 16:09

I thought it was common courtesy that the partner of the driver would sit in the passenger seat.

The passenger is the best seat so you give it up for the guest. That way they are the most included in the conversation.

Colbumbo · 08/12/2021 16:11

@jb7445

I think people who are accusing OP of being jealous or controlling or whatever have never been in this situation.

I have NEVER been jealous - my most recent ex used to have film nights etc with his exes and I had no issue at all, even with them sleeping in the same bed. My husband has snogged most of his female friends (a lot haha). No issues.

He had one relationship with an ex that was just wrong. I won't go into details but it was just...off. If it's wrong then it's wrong.

This chimes for me too, I'm afraid. Similar situation, I had an ex who had many female friends, which was fine. However, there was one relationship that set off my spidey senses...with good reason. They behaved like a couple on pause. Intuition is a useful (if not perfect) tool and it's important to listen to your gut. I'm grateful to have gotten out of that situation. I hadn't been gaslit before and it took me a while to realise that my concerns were valid.

The OP seems to be still working through how she feels about her reaction. She's come to MN looking for input ffs! But think about this...a bunch of strangers on the internet are telling her that she's a baby/ imagining things/ a crap girlfriend/ a drama queen etc etc She hasn't lost her cool at any of us. She hasn't had a flounce and some of these replies can't have been a fun read. Doesn't that point to the possibility that this isn't a reactionary woman? And, if that's the case, shouldn't we give her the benefit of the doubt here?

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 16:16

A bunch of strangers on the internet are suggesting that she might have over-reacted to a situation that many of us would not find weird, and explained how we would have understood the situation. OP has agreed she could have behaved better and left the thread, having had her input. Some readers have then discussed what the behaviour could have meant. No-one has called OP a baby. Even those suggesting that she might have misread the situation have agreed that if she feels uncomfortable about the ex and her bf then she doesn't have to stay with this bloke.

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 16:24

@ravenmum

"She pretty much blanked me" doesn't mean the same as "She blanked me". "Pretty much" means "almost", not "totally". Perhaps the ex only gave a short answer, or replied indirectly, e.g. by making a comment to the bf.
She could also have picked up on hostility from OP, which is why she wasn’t so chatty herself either.
Colbumbo · 08/12/2021 16:44

@ravenmum

A bunch of strangers on the internet are suggesting that she might have over-reacted to a situation that many of us would not find weird, and explained how we would have understood the situation. OP has agreed she could have behaved better and left the thread, having had her input. Some readers have then discussed what the behaviour could have meant. No-one has called OP a baby. Even those suggesting that she might have misread the situation have agreed that if she feels uncomfortable about the ex and her bf then she doesn't have to stay with this bloke.
Just had a look back. You're right. She wasn't called a baby. She was called five years old and told to go find her teddy. Much better.
yourestandingonmyneck · 08/12/2021 16:48

@bagpuss90

I tried to make conversation with her in the car -she pretty much blanked me and spoke to my partner
The whole situation is messed up. Better off without him, without a doubt.

Just leave it there, clean break. Don't give either of them the satisfaction of fighting over him.

ProudThrilledHappy · 08/12/2021 16:53

You have been posting about your partner and his close connection with his ex for some time but still seem to be tolerating it.

He is never going to stop seeing her, he obviously holds some torch for her so either you accept their relationship or walk away. Personally I would walk away as you seem to just be playing seat filler for her

IAAP · 08/12/2021 17:07

@bagpuss90

I tried to make conversation with her in the car -she pretty much blanked me and spoke to my partner
You’d see I’d not get into a row with him and give him the satisfaction of two women chasing him - she’s an ex no reason to me she’s an ex fwb no reason to meet - weird and you don’t need to - being blanked 😐 he should have called her out on it / as it hey Becky - Zoe just asked a question ? Or said Becky - Zoe’s sitting in the front - can you hop in the back etc

I would have ducked off home too - difference is I would of texted him
And said ‘sorry it’s not working for me - all the best Zoe’ - done - no man no decent man would do this!!

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 17:10

She was called five years old and told to go find her teddy. Much better
Oh, I missed that! That was rude. But that doesn't mean that those of us not egging the OP on and dissing the ex or bf were out to get OP. Any more than the couple of rude comments about those of us saying we don't see things the same way said anything about the more polite posters disagreeing with us.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 08/12/2021 17:28

I see a lot of “I wouldn’t allow that” and it reads like the poster would exert control. Your response and position is clear though

That's because many people (I won't say men because it is said so often here by so many women) see any attempt by a woman to express how she will control her own life, her own reactions, choices etc, as being controlling.

Now I am older I won't allow many things to happen in my life that would have just bulldozered me in to the ground when I was younger. Possibly including a partner who insisted that his ex was an active part of our lives.

Don't misunderstand me, I am friends with a few women DH went out with before he met me almost 40 years ago. Those friendships happened naturally, through larger groups etc. They didn't happen because he kept in touch alone, decided that I had to meet her because it would be nice for him and then arranged a meeting despite my having reservations. THAT I would not allow. Because I would not remain in that relationship long enough to be driven to pick her up.

Valeriekat · 09/12/2021 15:44

@ madisonbridges
Sitting in the front is about respect and power not about manners. If it was my mum or dad then yes but my kids (even the 6 ft 5 one) ALWAYS sit in the back.
An ex girlfriend would not be in the front.
OP you are a legend for getting the train home. I love a dramatic gesture. Dump him though.

Onthedunes · 09/12/2021 19:16

@Valeriekat

I know, how she wouldn't have suggested going in the back herself is incredibly rude in itself.

She'd have been in the boot if it were me. Grin

Malibuismysecrethome · 10/12/2021 07:12

It’s not really about who sat where or who was passive-aggressive. Op felt hurt and like an outsider and that they were pushing her and maybe even mocking her discomfort. You should trust your instincts and remove yourself immediately if something doesn’t feel right. More people should act on their intuition or gut feeling. Whether it was a weird power play or not Op wasn’t happy and was uncomfortable.

gannett · 10/12/2021 08:59

More people should act on their intuition or gut feeling.

I see this so often on MN and every time I think that all the most ridiculous, unnecessary and plain unpleasant drama I've ever witnessed has been down to people acting on gut feeling rather than actually thinking with their brain.

There are too many paranoid, tightly-strung, dramatic and kneejerk-reactive people out there for this to ever be good advice!

Having said that I have a friend who always swears she follows her gut but will then explain all the reasons behind her decision. And I'm like, that's not your gut, that's your brain. You looked at the evidence, assessed it and acted on it. Your BRAIN not your gut.

BillMasen · 10/12/2021 10:41

“Sitting in the front is about respect and power”

GrinHmm are you 12?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 10/12/2021 10:48

@Theblacksheepandme

Can we also please stop giving the op such a hard time. Why do people do this? Can we not focus on the idiot boyfriend that acted appallingly? This is why so many people stay in coercive control relationships for so long. Other people point the blame at them and not the person that is at fault. Please be kind to her as I think this is not a good relationship she is in. Perhaps she stormed off because she's had enough of his shit.
I so agree.

Why do posters trip over themselves to shame and ridicule women coming in here for support?

We are all human, we all make mistakes and missteps. And we hurt when we're disrespected.

Palmfrond · 10/12/2021 17:13

YANBU- side bitch needs to ride in the back and when she’s done doing that she needs to fuck off and find her own man.

Malibuismysecrethome · 10/12/2021 20:17

Gannett the brain and gut are connected and share neurones as I’m sure you know

Valeriekat · 11/12/2021 08:14

@ Bill Massen
You clearly are lucky enough to never had this be an issue for you. Some of us grew up having to sit on relatives knees and squeezed in with 4 or more people in the back seat to make room for some man so yes it absolutely is about power and respect.

Cherrysoup · 11/12/2021 12:18

Really weird him wanting you to meet his ex when there are no dc involved. For what purpose?

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