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Original poster

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:
BoudecaBains · 08/12/2021 02:42

@Onehotmess

Bin him off
She probably wont have to.
madisonbridges · 08/12/2021 02:58

I think it was an over-reaction on your part. Surely you would have sat in the back seat anyway, wouldn't you? I always give up my seat in front so a guest can have it. And stomping off to catch a train home sounds completely over the top.

But if everything else was good, I wouldn't break up over it. I mean, if they wanted to be together what's stopping them? Presumably nothing but he's still chosen you over her.

Onthedunes · 08/12/2021 03:03

Why on earth did you agree to this meeting for starters.

Break up with with this triangulating git, preferably over a lunch and make sure to take a ex partner of yours to add to the ambiance.

MimiDaisy11 · 08/12/2021 03:25

You say you reluctantly agreed to meet but was he aware you didn’t want to? You never say whether he’s aware of how you feel. You storming off also suggests you bottle things up.

Personally I’m not jealous very easily and if I trust my partner I don’t mind if he’s friends with an ex. I am friends with some of mine.

ElftonWednesday · 08/12/2021 03:45

^Here we go, I'm hanging out in Camden
Drink with my girlfriends on a Saturday night^

^This guy says, "come and meet my girlfriend"
She's sitting in the corner looking rather uptight^

^So I say "hello" and I try to be nice
But I see he's feeling itchy
Trying to play us off each other,
"Girls, girls, please don't fight" (you get the picture)^

Juniper68 · 08/12/2021 03:57

How long have you been with him?

Sounds very weird to me. I wouldn't have wanted to meet her. He shouldn't still be in contact.

Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 04:41

I get you op.
You need to let him go though, he’s not worth your time, this is so disrespectful

AtlasPine · 08/12/2021 04:45

She shouldn’t have climbed in the front. That was thoughtless at best and intentional power play at worst.

You would be better off without this man who doesn’t sen to have your feelings in his consideration.

MotherWifePainterSlob · 08/12/2021 05:23

This reply has been deleted

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tara66 · 08/12/2021 06:03

He clearly does have a clue about this things! What was he thinking? He's an idiot!

Momijin · 08/12/2021 06:07

It sounds messed up. I don't blame you for storming off and people criticising you for agreeing to meet her - actually at least you tried!

Your boyfriend is a jerk and he's getting off on this imo. Leave him to it.

User156 · 08/12/2021 06:16

She sounds like a twat but I think storming off and getting the train home was needlessly dramatic.

That said, I don’t know why he feels the need to try and make you be friends with one of his exes either.

All sounds a bit fraught and intense!

MrsLarry · 08/12/2021 06:22

In my experience female friends can be pretty nasty and bitchy. I think she feels threatened by your relationship. Trust me on this one, I've been there. My husband had a female friend when I met him and she behaved appallingly when we got together. Completely out of jealousy.....she was horrible to me. I was shocked as I really made an effort with her as I did all his friends. They'd never had a "thing," but suddenly she stared coming onto him, declaring that they should be together 😂
Eventually hubby had to totally distance himself from her.

However, you behaved pretty childishly.

bakewelltarty · 08/12/2021 06:22

He can be friends with whomever he wants to be. You can be in a relationship with whomever you want to be.

You should not have agreed to meet and should have told him before now that it was a no go for you.

Her jumping in the front was weird but you getting out of the car could have given her the wrong idea.

So nothing else happened. It all just got too much for you and you stormed off? I agree you wanted a reaction from him. You wanted him to choose and he didn't.

So you accept their friendship or you leave as it's a no go for you.

LizzieSiddal · 08/12/2021 06:23

You need to understand how weird it is that he even asked you to meet her. They don’t care about you, leave him and let them get on with it. You’ll be much happier. Flowers

HandScreen · 08/12/2021 06:24

I'm friends with a good few of my husband's exes, as he is with mine. I don't get the jealousy thing.

Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 07:50

Did you know them beforehand? Takes the weirdness away if you did. Op isn’t jealous, she feels disrespected

Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 07:51

That comment was for you @HandScreen

MacNTosh · 08/12/2021 08:00

This is a lesson for you, it’s absolutely ok to say when you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to go along with things you’re not happy about to keep your man. Sometimes in a relationship you have to accept that your partner doesn’t want to do something you’d like to do so you have to learn to accept that and that’s what’s meant by compromise in a relationship. It doesn’t mean doing things you’re not comfortable with. If you can’t agree, then it means the relations right.

This one isn’t right, learn from it, move on and know that you’ll have a much better relationship in the future as a result of this lesson.

runningwithscissorsx · 08/12/2021 08:09

Sitting in the back seat like the guest - she had some balls to jump in the front.

I think your biggest mistake was agreeing to partake in something that you probably already knew was going to make you uncomfortable. If you don't trust him to be alone with her, get rid.

My ex had a really really close relationship with his ex, and for the first few years I was fuelled by insane jealousy but then I just decided that if they wanted each other they could have each other and I stopped caring!

Honestly though - the storming off, bit childish, I would have perhaps said 'I need some air'.. and gone back in. You did what you felt was right ...

The WORST thing is your partner dismissing your feelings in a really uncomfortable situation .... that is so unsupportive....

Hope you can sort this out...

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 08:13

Why did you storm off OP? Between her getting into the front seat and you storming off, what happened? Because I completely understand you were upset at her, and I don’t think it was the best response because you’re the one who now looks immature, but why storm off?

WhenSepEnds · 08/12/2021 08:14

What did you hope to achieve by going in the first place?

If I were you, I'd be telling him she is gone or I am. They're not together and it's becoming an issue for your relationship so he needs to decide what he values more

Aprilx · 08/12/2021 08:17

You should have either a) not agreed to the meeting in the first place (best option), b) tell her that was your seat or c) had a laugh about it afterwards. You didn’t deal with it very well, but then the whole situation isn’t sounding great.

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 08:19

My ex had a really really close relationship with his ex, and for the first few years I was fuelled by insane jealousy but then I just decided that if they wanted each other they could have each other and I stopped caring!

I had the same. And I knew she so desperately hoped we would split so they can get together again, but I didn’t react. As PP said, if he wanted to be with her, he would be. So instead, I made sure to look my best and be attentive and loving to my DH (then boyfriend) when she was around. To be fair, it was all no more than usual, but I simply made sure I didn’t have an off day on those days, so she can see how happy we are, and why there’s no hope for her. She finally got the message and their friendship fizzled out.

Jayaywhynot · 08/12/2021 08:21

Are you me?
In my younger days I'd have reacted the same way.
Now I'm older I don't put myself in a position where I know I'll be uncomfortable.
Your reaction wasn't the best but he shouldn't have asked you to meet her, what was the point of that, so he can continue to chat with her and now you've met her you can't complain?
I read your bday thread, I'd dump his arse, you deserve better