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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:46

I know I didn’t handle it well

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 07/12/2021 23:48

Oh I remember your last thread on the birthday thing! That was incredibly weird and she was being a CF then too. I mean if you've now met her and it's still upset you, it's not something you'll ever get over. And that's ok - you don't have to be ok with someone who is so close to an ex that he maintains sexual relations with during their 'friend' phase or whenever they're single. That's not friendship...

Plenty of men out there who maintain healthy boundaries with ex-es. Your gut has been screaming for a while, listen to it.

user53782991 · 07/12/2021 23:48

It’s understandable don’t worry Flowers

Theblacksheepandme · 07/12/2021 23:48

I completely agree with what Babyfg said. I really think you actually need to finish with him. Your reaction is similar to what I would have done in the past. Do you have history of relational trauma?

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:49

user53782991 Thanks

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/12/2021 23:50

I can't believe you martyred yourself rather than a simple, "Oh sorry, I'm sitting there. I was just stretching my legs".

It sounds a bit like you were just looking for a reason to get the hump.

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2021 23:52

@bagpuss90

I guess there’s a lot of history . I made a real effort in his lockdown birthday last year, made a three course meal at his and after I’d left he spent the evening chatting to her .
Cross posted with this ^^

You need to dump him, he sounds like an arse.

Yousexybugger · 07/12/2021 23:57

I get you, OP. I think he's playing the two of you off if hes told you so much detail about their history, the fact that he spent the night chatting to her after your birthday meal, and now repeating what she said. I have sympathy for you bottling it up and going along with meeting her then losing your head as it sounds like he's been building tension up over time rather than seeking to reassure you. If it was just about her sitting in the front seat then yes, you would have overreacted but it doesn't sound like it's just that at all. Tbh I would be looking to move on. If someone can't see your viewpoint (even if they vehemently disagree), then that doesn't bode well.

ZenNudist · 08/12/2021 00:00

Dump. Hes not over her.

Summerfun54321 · 08/12/2021 00:07

What the fuck is he playing at. You’re better than that, find someone else. Get him in the bin.

Glitteringduck · 08/12/2021 00:10

Why on earth would your bf still be friends with an ex LOVER and why would he want you two to meet? Confused
I bet he tells her all the arguments you two have and she loves it. The fact she's comfortable calling you names to him sats it all . Honestly that's so messed up.

Malibuismysecrethome · 08/12/2021 00:11

I think you are a legend for storming off! Far better than to just sit there seething and knowing she is taking the piss

FabriqueBelgique · 08/12/2021 00:16

You left a situation you were uncomfortable with and rightfully showed you were pissed off!

Journeynotdestination · 08/12/2021 00:22

What a horribly situation! I would end it straight away. You need to look at your boundaries as they are pretty non existent! Tell him to fuck off & don’t feel bad about storming off.

BeaMends · 08/12/2021 00:25

She usurped your position and he enabled it.

I'd have been livid too.

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 00:40

I think you behaved poorly (not unreasonably so though). I say that because she now has ammunition to paint you as the psycho girlfriend who behaves like that in public, and he deserves better, etc etc.

I’ve been in a similar situation, with a friend of DH’s. As much as I wanted to tell her to leave us alone, I didn’t and instead made sure I came across as the perfect girlfriend, which I’m sure made her feel small and insignificant.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2021 00:54

Dump him. Either he's not over her or she's not over him. Or both. Add to that the way he simply accepted what she said about you and repeated it to you as if it was the only explanation for your behaviour.

Now, I'm not saying you were faultless, you could have handled it better. At any rate, you are not his priority.

CharlotteRose90 · 08/12/2021 01:14

They aren’t over each other. This will only get worse and you will be even more hurt. Please leave him. Anyone that makes you feel like you aren’t number 1 doesn’t need to be around.

Coyoacan · 08/12/2021 01:25

If I were to tell any of my friends that I thought their partner or girlfriend was deranged that would be the end of our friendship.

BourbonScreams · 08/12/2021 02:00

Obviously you didn't react in the best way but he didn't put you in the best situation did he? It's weird to want your current partner to have a meal with you and your ex. I wouldn't have been comfortable either. Maybe consider whether the relationship is worth this kind of behaviour. But try not to beat yourself up about it xx

BourbonScreams · 08/12/2021 02:01

And I agree that she wants him back. Or at least wants the option of having him back, which is almost worse.

smoko · 08/12/2021 02:06

it sounds like you were trying to engineer a situation where he runs after you & swears to break off contact with her. But he didn't take the bait.

You'd have had more success by killing her with kindness & pretending like you weren't bothered.

Instead she's used your storming off as proof that you're "deranged" - to be fair you caused a scene, which is not an emotionally stable way of dealing with a situation.

Monty27 · 08/12/2021 02:08

Ah well the whole Idea was fucked up.
I don't do drama.
I'd give it a heave ho OP
None of you handled it well. It was a disaster in the making.

westofnormal · 08/12/2021 02:08

You got advice to leave him?? lmao.
You didn't over-react but you didn't react properly. Neither did he. And she certainly did not. He should have dealt with you feeling uncomfortable and not stayed with her the whole night when you were upset. And he should be telling her to piss off for saying you are deranged and seemingly trying to worm her way back in. Not sure why he is putting up with her or defending her.

Onehotmess · 08/12/2021 02:09

Bin him off