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Original poster

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/12/2021 12:02

More mind boggling that so many people cannot read nuance and subtlety in non verbal human communications
Thank goodness this comment was so unsubtle or I'd never have understood what you meant!

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 12:06

And then for the OW to then call her deranged and put her down to her DP just proves it really.

Honestly I’d likely have said the same. I can’t lie about that, I’d not remotely even think about who sat where in the car, I’d certainly not read all these odd motives into it, I’d assume that it was awkward as it was first meeting and as said likely a very short journey of a few mins

. If I then got to the pub and the girlfriend stormed off immediately, switching her phone off, I’d think she was deranged too.

However it’s clear the op is not alone in thinking there is hidden meanings and apparently running out after that short car journey is normal for some folks.

Bookworm20 · 08/12/2021 12:09

my status and self esteem is not defined by where I sit in a car

It isn't about a car ride though. Why is that hard to understand?

You have actually summed it up though. By doing what she did, the OW absolutely defined OP's status in the relationship dynamic in one fowl swoop.

dollbaby868 · 08/12/2021 12:10

How can she sit in the front seat😂😂😂 what a joke wow. Secondly why are you even meeting his ex/exfwbs. Wtf is that all about. Sounds like a mess all the way through

Colbumbo · 08/12/2021 12:17

Let's give the ex the benefit of the doubt over the seat and say this was some kind of Curb Your Enthusiasm-style social misunderstanding. Fair enough but then why did she ignore the OP's attempts to speak to her during the car journey? That is bloody rude. The fact that the bf didn't steer the conversation to include his gf, knowing she was shunted into the back, speaks volumes.

I'd love to know more about their dynamic, the ex and the bf. Who broke up with who? Taking into consideration the late night birthday phone calls and messy FWB situation after living together...this sounds like they have unfinished business and are dragging the OP into their nonsense.

Also, if I'd been rude to a woman I'd just met I don't think I'd have called her deranged when she left as a result of my behaviour. It's very Real Housewives.

Bin him off OP. If something feels off then you need to listen to that instinct.

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 12:18

Your ex, that you've kept in touch with, has said he's passing near your house, and would you fancy lunch? He says his gf is coming too, she's fine with it.

His car pulls up, as he used to do all those many times he picked you up in the past. You all stand there, there's a bit of chitchat. Then it's time to go. Just like all those times in the past, you open the door and sit down. Your ex drives five minutes down the road to the pub. You exchange a bit more chitchat. You can't hear what the gf is saying in the back very well, so you try to make a vague comment back that might fit. She clearly can't hear you either as she stops talking.

You get out and realise your ex's gf is scowling at you. She abruptly marches off. Your ex goes after her briefly but she's obviously got some beef with him and shakes him off. He's too polite to leave you standing there, so he comes back again and drives you home. You are totally nonplussed, worried about your ex and tell him it's a huge red flag, and he should listen when she shows him what she's like.

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 13:00

I mean, maybe she saw OP get out and thought she was offering her seat. I often offer the front seat to guests and sit in the back myself.

todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 13:03

@Bluntness100

You really honestly can't see the issue here with this particular scenario?

One hundred percent genuinely no. I could not give a shit for a short journey to the pub and would happily sit where ever, my status and self esteem is not defined by where I sit in a car.

Given there are entire studies and (psychological reasons) dedicated to how being sat in the right place for a meeting, or choosing the right location for a negotiation are linked to status and success - maybe there is something to it. Politicians are even trained on how to shake hands to assert dominance. My partner in CID has had extensive training on where to position himself in an interview room depending on the type of suspect. Most of us do these things without realising, that's why the study of non verbal cues is important to correctly assessing a situation.

So yes, something as innocuous as where people choose to sit and how they go about it, does indicate things like dominance or discomfort. Maybe irrelevant when its 3 mates hanging out, but loaded with more meaning when it's a couple and the ex fuck buddy. It's the same as if you were travelling in a car with the CEO driving (after meeting him for the first time) and your junior colleague. And your junior colleague sat up front without consulting you, shunted you to the back and they both carried on a conversation ignoring you. Most people would feel a bit like it was a power play, and they were the child in the back.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 14:13

I totally get some folks are really hung up on where you sit in the car for a short journey to the pub and the etiquette surrounding this, and the hidden subliminal messages and accept that, but with that those folks need to understand that many other people don’t give a shit, and do not see it as the same as meeting seating or negotiation settings.

And as many of us don’t give a shit for this scenario and wouldn’t even give it any thought, then this means it’s entirely plausible this woman didn’t either.

In addition I find it very difficult to speak to folks in th back seat plus she was likely nervous and not sure what to say to th op. Her reaction in th pub would indicate she was totally blindsided by the ops behaviour.

5128gap · 08/12/2021 14:20

I wouldn't have met her in the first place, and I wouldn't want him to be seeing her either.
If for some reason I had agreed to the meet up, I wouldn't care where she sat in the car.
I wouldn't have stormed off, but given you did, I'd stick with that and stay away from him.
His behaviour with her wouldn't be something I'd want in a relationship.

Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 14:47

She completely ignored OP though who tried to make chit chat @Bluntness100

BillMasen · 08/12/2021 14:55

@ravenmum

Your ex, that you've kept in touch with, has said he's passing near your house, and would you fancy lunch? He says his gf is coming too, she's fine with it.

His car pulls up, as he used to do all those many times he picked you up in the past. You all stand there, there's a bit of chitchat. Then it's time to go. Just like all those times in the past, you open the door and sit down. Your ex drives five minutes down the road to the pub. You exchange a bit more chitchat. You can't hear what the gf is saying in the back very well, so you try to make a vague comment back that might fit. She clearly can't hear you either as she stops talking.

You get out and realise your ex's gf is scowling at you. She abruptly marches off. Your ex goes after her briefly but she's obviously got some beef with him and shakes him off. He's too polite to leave you standing there, so he comes back again and drives you home. You are totally nonplussed, worried about your ex and tell him it's a huge red flag, and he should listen when she shows him what she's like.

Pretty sure this is how it happened, with the addition of the op getting out of the front as they pulled up, indicating not unreasonably that the ex should take the front

I also can’t understand the territorial shenanigans associated with the bloody front seat!

BillMasen · 08/12/2021 14:57

@5128gap

I wouldn't have met her in the first place, and I wouldn't want him to be seeing her either. If for some reason I had agreed to the meet up, I wouldn't care where she sat in the car. I wouldn't have stormed off, but given you did, I'd stick with that and stay away from him. His behaviour with her wouldn't be something I'd want in a relationship.
“I wouldn’t want him to see her”

You’d control who your partner was friends with?

madisonbridges · 08/12/2021 14:57

@PinkWednesdays

I mean, maybe she saw OP get out and thought she was offering her seat. I often offer the front seat to guests and sit in the back myself.
Exactly this. It's your car and they're the guest. It's like people coming to your house, you'd always give them the first choice of a biscuit or cake and take what's left yourself, wouldn't you? If they took the chocolate cake you wanted, you wouldn't go stomping off to the kitchen?
saleorbouy · 08/12/2021 15:00

You sound like my 5year old storming off, did you snuggle up with your Teddy?
Maybe you should learn to articulate your feelings better and not get upset if you can't ride shotgun in the car!

5128gap · 08/12/2021 15:14

No BillMasen I wouldn't control who my partner was friends with. I'd control who I was in a relationship with, and I wouldn't wish to be in a relationship with someone who behaved this way with an ex. There are numerous men out there, and I wouldn't find it necessary to tolerate a situation that made me feel uncomfortable, when I could find one that didn't. I am sufficiently secure in myself to know my worth, and that I can afford to be selective. Hopefully the OP is too.

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 15:22

@Staryflight445

She completely ignored OP though who tried to make chit chat *@Bluntness100*
OP told her bf that she was OK with meeting the ex, so he thought it was OK for him to arrange the meeting. There wasn't much he could do when the ex sat in the front even if he did realise what a huge deal it was for OP. OP then made it excruciatingly uncomfortable for him. I don't see how this is about the bf behaving poorly.
ravenmum · 08/12/2021 15:23

Oh sorry, wrong quote!

MissNothing1991 · 08/12/2021 15:25

You said you wouldn't bahave like that... Right after saying you stormed off in a tantrum. To be honest I find it polite to offer the front passenger seat to a guest for a start.

smoko · 08/12/2021 15:27

It seems a bit weird OP had to 3rd wheel it in the backseat.

I thought it was common courtesy that the partner of the driver would sit in the passenger seat.

These people who say they just jump in whatever seat, do you kids ride shotgun while your partner sits in back too?

Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 15:39

Especially when the ex completely ignored ops attempt at conversation as well, paired with her partner not supporting her with that either.

I’d feel like the third wheel and would run a mile from that situation too

BillMasen · 08/12/2021 15:41

@5128gap

No BillMasen I wouldn't control who my partner was friends with. I'd control who I was in a relationship with, and I wouldn't wish to be in a relationship with someone who behaved this way with an ex. There are numerous men out there, and I wouldn't find it necessary to tolerate a situation that made me feel uncomfortable, when I could find one that didn't. I am sufficiently secure in myself to know my worth, and that I can afford to be selective. Hopefully the OP is too.
Fair enough. I see a lot of “I wouldn’t allow that” and it reads like the poster would exert control. Your response and position is clear though
Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 15:51

It’s not controlling to say ‘I don’t want this relationship if that’s the relationship you have with your ex’

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 15:51

"She pretty much blanked me" doesn't mean the same as "She blanked me". "Pretty much" means "almost", not "totally". Perhaps the ex only gave a short answer, or replied indirectly, e.g. by making a comment to the bf.

jb7445 · 08/12/2021 15:58

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