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Original poster

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:
ThreeWiseBuddhas · 08/12/2021 08:24

Why would you agree to put yourself in that situation in the first place??

cookiemonster2468 · 08/12/2021 08:26

To be honest both of you were not behaving politely. You can't say "I wouldn't behave like that" but then storm off from the pub.

Having said that I wouldn't be happy with the situation.

diddl · 08/12/2021 08:26

I think it was fine that you left Op-as is if either of them would care anyway!

You agreed to a situation which you shouldn't have done but then you decided to extricate yourself from it.

cookiemonster2468 · 08/12/2021 08:27

@HandScreen

I'm friends with a good few of my husband's exes, as he is with mine. I don't get the jealousy thing.
Good for you? Hmm

I don't see how this is a helpful comment.

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 08:28

@BillMasen

So you got out of the car, she may have thought you’d decided to let her in the front, she sits in the front and you storm off and take the train home

Yeah you overreacted and owe him an apology I think

I was thinking the same thing.

You made your bf look stupid in front of his ex - vanishing off without explanation, and he's then left trying to phone you in front of her and getting no answer. It must have been embarrassing. The word "deranged" is a bit strong, but if that was someone I liked, I'd probably also warn them off that relationship.

You were passing near where she lived; a pretty normal context to drop in on someone. Not everyone would want to meet an ex, sure, but you had agreed to do so. I've met some of my bf's exes - they are still in his friend group, and are very nice. He's met an ex of mine. Some of us are fine with that sort of thing. Was there a reason for your bf to think you wouldn't be?

If you think there's something still going on between them, or that he's prioritising her over you, then it's fair enough for you not to be happy with that. But in that case, don't agree to meet up with her. Discuss the issue like an adult, and if he's not willing to do things the way you would like, you don't have to be with him.

onelittlefrog · 08/12/2021 08:28

@WhenSepEnds

What did you hope to achieve by going in the first place?

If I were you, I'd be telling him she is gone or I am. They're not together and it's becoming an issue for your relationship so he needs to decide what he values more

This.

If you're not happy with this friendship then you need to tell him so.

If he's not willing to dial it back then just leave him - it's not worth the drama. He's obviously still into her.

MarshmallowSwede · 08/12/2021 08:29

It was in aloof or him to suggest that you meet her anyway.

I would have put a stop to that in the first place. Let this be a lesson to you that don’t let this man or any man put you in a position that you don’t feel comfortable in.

It could have been avoided. If you decide to stay with him then don’t do this again. But also I personally would not appreciate him even asking so would get rid of him.

MarshmallowSwede · 08/12/2021 08:29

It was inappropriate* for him to suggest I mean.

MeltedButter · 08/12/2021 08:33

I definitely wouldn't be able to have a meal with my husband and an ex or his especially an ex that turned into a friend with benefits. I would act deranged if I was in their company. I trust my husband completely but why would I want to be confronted with who he has slept with for years.

YourenutsmiLord · 08/12/2021 08:39

I just didn’t want to be there on the first place

Why would you go to meet his shagmate?

Unbelievable.

Theblacksheepandme · 08/12/2021 08:45

I actually can't believe how many of you think his behaviour is acceptable. He is playing mind games and it is not going to end well if she stays. Also in relation to his ex sitting in the front is extremely rude and so is his ex not engaging in conversation with OP. OP you were blindsided by his behaviour and my guess is he planned on picking her up all along. How you handled it was a result of you not being prepared. A boyfriend should be concerned on how you feel after you left and want to be in discussions with you and not his ex. I would have concerns for anyone I care about to be in a relationship like you are in.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 08/12/2021 08:46

I tried to make conversation with her in the car -she pretty much blanked me and spoke to my partner

OP posts:
PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 08:48

@bagpuss90

I tried to make conversation with her in the car -she pretty much blanked me and spoke to my partner
And that’s what made you storm off and get the train back home? Did anything else happen?
Theblacksheepandme · 08/12/2021 08:54

Can we also please stop giving the op such a hard time. Why do people do this? Can we not focus on the idiot boyfriend that acted appallingly? This is why so many people stay in coercive control relationships for so long. Other people point the blame at them and not the person that is at fault. Please be kind to her as I think this is not a good relationship she is in. Perhaps she stormed off because she's had enough of his shit.

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 08:55

@Theblacksheepandme Because the OP has asked for advice? If we are all told to LTB every time there’s a tricky situation, then everyone would be single. Doesn’t necessarily mean abuse and coercive control just because it’s a man involved…

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 08:57

I can see why she might think you’re “deranged”. Maybe she felt uncomfortable too and that’s why she wasn’t communicating, it may have eased as you spent more time together. Storming off like that is fairly odd

Next time if you don’t want to do something don’t.

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 08:58

I don't think he acted appallingly, so why would I focus on that? Are people basing their answers on another thread by the OP in which the bf did something terrible?

MsLup · 08/12/2021 08:58

What is his reasoning to stay friends with this ex? Is it necessary? Do you know why they broke up in the first place?
It really isn't acceptable for him to expect you to accept her as part of being in a relationship with him.

I would tell him how you feel and go from there.
Easy enough in the heat of the moment to react poorly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Don't beat yourself up.

ForbiddentoForbid · 08/12/2021 08:58

I can't believe she got in the front seat.

I'd see that as a power play.

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 09:00

@ForbiddentoForbid

I can't believe she got in the front seat.

I'd see that as a power play.

Or, as PP pointed out, she viewed OP stepping out of the car as OP offering her seat?
Tiny2018 · 08/12/2021 09:02

I wonder if you're actually uncomfortable with them being friends and rather than communicate this to him for fear of an argument/ him breaking up with you you've just suppressed your feelings on the matter and her sitting in the front seat (which could be suggested means she has more importance than you) has made you blow?

robovac · 08/12/2021 09:02

The ex - she is obviously still obsess about your BF. They might have stayed "friends" on the surface but I bet she will shag your BF if he is game too.

The BF - of course he sees no big deal in this situation. He is very much enjoying it! Two women fighting for me? As much as he claim that nothing is happening between them two. He is secretly loving it. I don't believe in the whole staying friends BS.

Yourself - if you are not comfortable about their friendship tell him! You are entitled to your own opinion. And if you and your BF can't come to an agreement about this consider carefully about your future together. this is not a one off but a long long history that you guys need to get over with.

So there is no saints in this situation.

DontBeCatty · 08/12/2021 09:02

I don't get why he can't be friends with an ex. The front seat thing could easily have been a mistake but the running off thing does sound very extreme and silly.
If he has t already broken up with you then you should break up with him.

BTW how old are you

gannett · 08/12/2021 09:04

Completely agree with @ravenmum - there's no hard and fast rule when it comes to exes. Maybe if there's an acrimonious breakup they're cast out forever but the majority of people I know, including myself and DP, have exes and ex-FWBs milling around in our social circles, and still like them as people. And if we were in their neighbourhood why wouldn't we meet up? If you can't handle that your partner might still have an amicable relationship with someone he or she used to sleep with, you're not mature enough to be in a relationship IMO.

If I'd met up with a friend (whether or not I'd previously slept with them) for a drink and their partner stormed off because I got in the empty front seat of the car I would also call them deranged.

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 09:14

It's not easy to have a conversation with someone you've only just met, and who is sitting behind you. Much easier to make polite conversation with the person you know and can see properly.

The situation was awkward for both women and I can see why OP got pissed off, but I can also see why the ex would find her reaction weird. And it sounds to me more like the bf didn't read OP's body language when she said it was OK for them to meet up, and didn't manage the situation well when it got uncomfortable - which would put me off him a bit personally. Maybe if they're all as young as they sound he has an excuse, but my ex was equally unable to read the room and it never got any better.