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Original poster

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 09:15

@ForbiddentoForbid

I can't believe she got in the front seat.

I'd see that as a power play.

I’d see that as she was possibly nervous and just acted without thinking. I assume they weren’t travelling hours to the pub. It isn’t a big deal
Ourlady · 08/12/2021 09:16

You are (understandably) not at all secure in your relationship. He is still very enmeshed with his fwb and her him. I would end it as there will weirdly always be three of you in the relationship.

Theblacksheepandme · 08/12/2021 09:17

PinkWednesdays I had the same. And I knew she so desperately hoped we would split so they can get together again, but I didn’t react. As PP said, if he wanted to be with her, he would be. So instead, I made sure to look my best and be attentive and loving to my DH (then boyfriend) when she was around. To be fair, it was all no more than usual, but I simply made sure I didn’t have an off day on those days, so she can see how happy we are, and why there’s no hope for her. She finally got the message and their friendship fizzled out.

I completely missed the point. She needs to make sure she looks her best and is attentive and loving to her boyfriend and she will be fine and perhaps then she will be lucky enough for him to marry her. You need to write a book for all teenagers to read on advice for relationships.

Colourmeclear · 08/12/2021 09:24

Have you actually told him how weird and odd and messed up it is for him to want you to meet his ex-fwb?

gannett · 08/12/2021 09:34

@Colourmeclear

Have you actually told him how weird and odd and messed up it is for him to want you to meet his ex-fwb?
It's not at all weird or odd or messed up.

If you're still friends with an ex it's weirder to prevent your partner meeting them.

oakleaffy · 08/12/2021 09:39

@todaysdilemma

I'd leave him. You didn't cover yourself in glory behaving as you did (could have taken the higher ground; you've just given her a reason to stick the boot in) but I can't fathom having to sit in the pub to meet anyone's friend with benefits ex!! It's bizarre. Assuming no children are involved? So why is he still hanging out with a woman he used to shag post break up... And taking her side too - no loyalty to you is there.

Far too much drama and you're best out of it. Some men love having a back up woman in their lives in case one relationship goes tits up and if not her, it'll be someone else down the line. Just walk and save your sanity.

He sounds AWFUL. Why on Earth would anyone want to meet someone's random ex? Her taking the front seat is presumptuous. I'd leave them to it.

He sounds a very disloyal man who is as PP's said, shite-stirring.

holrosea · 08/12/2021 09:45

I cannot think of anything more uncomfortable than introducing a current partner to an ex FWB, nor can I think why I would even want to.

"Darling, let's play pretend friends with this person who may or may not know me more intimately than you!" It sounds awful.

You don't say how long you've been together but no need, this is just bizarre all round. You need to run for the hills and, with any luck, find someone who wants to focus on you and you alone.

Norwolf · 08/12/2021 09:45

You are absolutely right to be fuming, I would be. Boundaries need to be set if your relationship will continue, I don’t see a lot of partners tolerate shit like that and make it to a blissful relationship/marriage.

Timeforwinterclothes · 08/12/2021 09:58

You were right. He put you in an uncomfortable situation. She then took the dominant role in jumping in the front seat and cutting you out of the conversation. The meal would have been worse. Her remarks about you show that she's jealous and trying to put a wedge between you and your partner. I think you are wasting your time. You have given him the benefit of the doubt for too long. Tell him it's over.

PappaPaddy · 08/12/2021 10:04

@bakewelltarty

He can be friends with whomever he wants to be. You can be in a relationship with whomever you want to be.

You should not have agreed to meet and should have told him before now that it was a no go for you.

Her jumping in the front was weird but you getting out of the car could have given her the wrong idea.

So nothing else happened. It all just got too much for you and you stormed off? I agree you wanted a reaction from him. You wanted him to choose and he didn't.

So you accept their friendship or you leave as it's a no go for you.

I think this is spot on.

Some people date, but just don't get on in that kind of relationship... They do get on great as friends though.

It's like parents...some just feel their place is not in that relationship... But they split...co-parent brilliantly... Stay the best of friends...But go on to have other relationships too. Everyone's happy.

Everyone is different though and you either deal with these situations or you don't.

I do think you went a little overboard in the dramatics.
Often we introduce significant people in our lives to our friends as we care and value their judgement, support and that we socialise together with our partners etc.

He introduced you, but it went wrong. They say first impressions last. If my partner acted the way you did in front on my friends I'd dump him. You'll be forever known as "psycho" now in their private jokes with each other. It sounds like its over anyway. It's definitely for the best.

Bookworm20 · 08/12/2021 10:13

She got in the front seat?
Definitely knew you hadn't got out for her to sit there. That was a very big 'fuck you'.
And then ignoring you trying to make conversation in the car.

I can't believe your DP didn't tell her to get in the back! You're his GF.
I don't think you over reacted at all.

I guess you agreed to meet because they were just friends at this point, but it soon became clear she had another agenda? One to put you down and in your place by the sounds of it.

And also, they obviously spoke about you after you left to the point of calling you deranged. Most normal people would be concerned they had upset their friends partner, would they not? Not slag them off.

I'm sorry OP, I think you need shot of this one. he just prioritised his FWB over you, in a very clear way. He should have made sure you were included and comfortable the whole time. He didn't. Throw this one back.

Lou98 · 08/12/2021 10:31

It sounds like he wanted you both to meet so that you wouldn't be worried anything was going on with her.

While I do think it was strange you meeting, if you didn't want to go, you should have said no. You agreed to go then stormed off as soon as you got there - personally, I think that makes you the unreasonable one.

Presumably the fact you got out the car and walked round to the other side she thought you were letting her sit in the front, I've done it for my partners friends before because I know they'll have stuff to talk about in the car so I don't really think she did anything wrong there.
It is a bit rude not talking to you in the car but dinner would have been the better place for conversation but you didn't let it get that far.

I think you owe your partner an apology - if my partner stormed off like that after agreeing to meet one of my friends, I'd have been very embarrassed left standing there and personally I'd end the relationship myself for how rude it was.

It sounds like you're not happy with your partner being friends with her, he won't end the friendship so you need to decide if you're comfortable enough for them to be friends (but not meet her again) or if you want to end things

Momijin · 08/12/2021 10:46

@Lou98 it wasn't a friend though was it? It was an ex and a fwb. Not that many people would be comfortable with that. I wouldn't ever sit in the front of a car when there are other adults without checking first. Most people I know would check or say do you mind as I get car sick etc.

And when you're introduced to the significant other of your friend it is also normal to try and make conversation and not ignore them.

He showed where his loyalties lie so op did the right thing. And who cares what that woman thinks? Someone who isn't happy for her friend and would rather he missed out on a relationship so she can get the attention she needs.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 10:46

Some of these posts are so over the top it’s disturbing. Reading all kind of things into this woman and the ops, well, soon to be ex, I assume. I mean “she’s giving you a massive fuck you by getting in the front”? How ludicrous.

It’s fine for them to have moved past the fwb stage and be friends, as the op got out the car the woman may have been nervous and got in the front not thinking. It’s awkward making conversation on a short journey and the op was clearly seriously struggling with jealousy and insecurity.

If she didn’t wish to be there, she should not have agreed. The whole storming off and people egging the op on that this woman was after her man and giving her the fuck you and power play is just silly.

PinkWednesdays · 08/12/2021 10:49

The whole storming off and people egging the op on that this woman was after her man and giving her the fuck you and power play is just silly

This.

It is possible that sometimes women act irrationally when feeling jealous, rather than their feelings of jealousy being justifiable…

Lou98 · 08/12/2021 10:51

@Momijin she is still his friend though. I'm still friends with people I've slept with, as is my partner. Funnily enough we don't refer to them as each other's "ex FwB's" - we just refer to them as each others friends.

As I said, I agreed that she wouldn't have been unreasonable saying no to meeting her but the point is, she did agree to meet her so I do personally think she is the one that acted unreasonable here storming off. If she wasn't comfortable, she shouldn't have agreed.

They were in the car on the way to where they were going, the pub/restaurant was the place for conversation and to get to know each other, but it didn't get that far

Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 10:58

@Lou98 not everyone is comfortable with that and that’s absolutely ok.

It is a boundary for many.

Lou98 · 08/12/2021 10:58

@Staryflight445 I agree - I said that she wouldn't have been unreasonable to say no or not be comfortable. But then she shouldn't have agreed to go

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 11:01

The BF doesn't sound like he even noticed an issue, but even if he had - would people say "My girlfriend was sitting there, you'll have to get out again and sit in the back"? Surely more awkward than her accidentally sitting there.

Staryflight445 · 08/12/2021 11:03

People are right though, this women has no respect for op at all.
Hence why she jumped on the attack instead of wondering why she offended, of course she knew what she did wrong. Sounds intentional to me.

Signalstation · 08/12/2021 11:04

Automatically sitting in the front seat when she could see you were there too is just plain rude.

Try to rise above it love x

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 11:13

The ex thought OP was bonkers, which makes me think she had no idea what she was supposed to have done.

But if so many people see the same drama in this banal story as OP, then who knows.

gannett · 08/12/2021 11:16

The idea of getting in an empty front seat as a bizarre power move is actually making me feel a bit dizzy? I have been in and out of so many front seats and back seats and the thought has never even slightly occurred to me. Most mundane misunderstandings are not, in fact, power plays.

todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 11:19

Bemused how it can be called a friendship when they dated, broke up, then carried on shagging. Of course ex-es can be friends but the point of friendship is you don't have sex with one another... there is no sexual attraction.

If you've decided to become friends, then decide to have sex as friends (for many years afterwards as OP states), it's clearly not a transition from relationship to friendship. We have no idea how long they were shagging before he met OP or if they were ever 'just friends'. So no, I don't think being friends with an ex is the same as being friends with a fuck buddy. By its very definition one of those relationships blurs the lines between friend and lover. An important boundary IMO. And why if this woman really was a friend she'd have the sense and empathy to ensure she made an effort with the gf from the start. Not hard to ask, 'are you sitting up front or should I?'. Not hard to turn to the person in the back and make brief conversation either.

And it is even more bonkers to want to introduce your current partner to the 'friend' you shag when single. What sane person wants to be a part of this mess?

noirchatsdeux · 08/12/2021 11:22

I get car sick very easily and would have sat in the front seat automatically if it was available...I also wouldn't have been making much conversation with the person sat in the back seats either, for the same reason.

I'm still very good friends with my ex husband. If my now partner had acted the same way when he first met him he'd not have been my partner for much longer.

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