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Original poster

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:26

@Signalstation

Automatically sitting in the front seat when she could see you were there too is just plain rude.

Try to rise above it love x

Why because the front seat was hers as the girlfriend? How very odd.
Signalstation · 08/12/2021 11:28

Not that @Bluntness100 - there's more leg space in the front and it's generally more comfortable. I always offer when I am a passenger, whoever it is.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:31

@Signalstation

Not that *@Bluntness100* - there's more leg space in the front and it's generally more comfortable. I always offer when I am a passenger, whoever it is.
So ultimately it doesn’t matter, they were both passengers. It really doesn’t matter who sits in the front on a relatively short journey. The woman may have misread the op getting out or not thought about it.
todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 11:32

No, because it's fairly obvious the OP was sat in the front seat initially as they drove to her. And I assume if they're partners, could even share the car. It's common courtesy when people pick you, you don't assume where you should sit in their car.

When you join a new team, would you ask where you can sit or go and sit in someone else's place? If you're in a pub - wouldn't you ask if you can take an empty seat from a table where people are sat? Not because they own the seat but because it's just courtesy.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:33

@todaysdilemma

No, because it's fairly obvious the OP was sat in the front seat initially as they drove to her. And I assume if they're partners, could even share the car. It's common courtesy when people pick you, you don't assume where you should sit in their car.

When you join a new team, would you ask where you can sit or go and sit in someone else's place? If you're in a pub - wouldn't you ask if you can take an empty seat from a table where people are sat? Not because they own the seat but because it's just courtesy.

Blimey, I never knew some folks read such hysterics and dynamics into getting into a car to do a short journey to the pub.
Signalstation · 08/12/2021 11:34

I don't really understand what your point is @Bluntness100 but I was telling OP that this woman acted rudely. Some people are just plain rude so OP's best course of action is to rise above it.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:35

@Signalstation

I don't really understand what your point is *@Bluntness100* but I was telling OP that this woman acted rudely. Some people are just plain rude so OP's best course of action is to rise above it.
I get you think g
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:35

Sorry, I get you think getting in the front seat by either woman is rude, just others don’t see it as a big deal.

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 11:36

I guess the ex couldn't have offered OP the seat, as that too would have been dominant, acting like it was her place to offer it?
So the correct etiquette would have been:

  • ex hesitates by the doors
  • OP says "Would you like to sit in the front?"
  • ex refuses, or apologises for accepting and blames it on car sickness

Is that right? I am planning on explaining this to my German bf later - he will claim it is weird British behaviour Grin

Bexxe · 08/12/2021 11:36

i think i would of doen the same.

It sounds like you agreed to go in hopes you may feel differenlty once you met her, and clearly the meeting made you feel exactly how you thought youd feel.

I dont blame you for leaving, i would of too if i was uncomfortable. You owe nothing to this women, and why he is still in contact with a ex-girlfriend and wanting you to meet is asbolutely bizarre to me, i wouldnt trust it.

Not that i am advising you to do this, but in your shoes i knwo i wouldnt be comfortable feeling 2nd best to an ex GF. I think i would be issuing the ultimatum, his past or his present.

Maray1967 · 08/12/2021 11:36

She sat in your seat and then ignored you. If he did not deal with that and deliberately try to include you in the conversation and make it clear that you are most important woman in his life then I would have been off as well. She marked her territory and he let her do it, by the sound of it.

todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 11:38

Nope, it's common courtesy. If it's a short car ride why would you assume the other person wants to give up the seat they've been sat in all this while. That might have their stuff, it might be adjusted the way they want. It's bonkers.

Why not just ask. Like you would at work or in a pub or in any situation that isn't your home or property, "excuse me, am I ok to sit here?"

gannett · 08/12/2021 11:38

@Maray1967

She sat in your seat and then ignored you. If he did not deal with that and deliberately try to include you in the conversation and make it clear that you are most important woman in his life then I would have been off as well. She marked her territory and he let her do it, by the sound of it.
It must be exhausting to see so many human interactions as a series of territorial pissings.
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:40

It must be exhausting to see so many human interactions as a series of territorial pissings

It’s mind boggling isn’t it,

ravenmum · 08/12/2021 11:41

"Would you mind if I sit here?" would also be asserting her dominance, though, right? She'd know it would be churlish of OP to refuse, so asking that would be a bitchy way of getting OP to agree to her having the better seat?

RatherBeRiding · 08/12/2021 11:43

I don't think you sound right for each other. You are very uncomfortable with his friendship with his ex - and frankly I don't blame you. Staying on friendly terms is one thing, but he does sound far too invested in this friendship to the detriment of your own relationship, especially when he KNOWS you're not that comfortable with it.

Equally - you shouldn't have agreed to the lunch. There was absolutely no obligation on your part to agree to this but having done so it would have been better to have risen above her rudeness and been the better person.

Either way, it doesn't sound like the relationship has legs so in your shoes I'd think about parting ways.

Flowers500 · 08/12/2021 11:47

It sounds like there are a hell of a lot of issues and problems with communication in your relationship. Regardless your behaviour was massively over the top and I can see why she said that

Lana07 · 08/12/2021 11:51

This reminds me of Princess Diana's words: 'There were 3 of us in that marriage'.

My DH made sure he protected me from his ex of 2 years. He never kept any contact with her and I never met her, only saw her photo.

Ex is often an ex for a reason.

Why to bring jealousy into the relations?

I understand people need to keep civil relations if there are children involved, if not - out of sight - out of mind.

Would he like it if you kept seeing your ex-bf and kept talking to him on the phone non-stop?

I find it's very strange choosing this behaviour. He can't sit on both chairs. He has to choose and not to play around hurting your feelings and damaging your feeling of security. No way I would be happy with this nonsense either.

I am generally not a jealous person but there are limits to everything.

MrMrsJones · 08/12/2021 11:51

Fuck, how would he feel meeting your expartner and having a lunch date with them.

Bollocks to that, why would he even think it was a good idea.

New girlfriend, here is my old girlfriend and when we broke up my old fuck buddy. Make friends.......

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 08/12/2021 11:51

Fuck all teh armchaor psychologists.

He has ignored all of your discomfort, spoken or otherwise

You have allowed him to ride roughshod over your feelings about his continued relationship with her.

She has decided not to actually leave their relationship. She sees them as being best mates, possibly. She still seems to feel some ownership.

Your actions were extreme. That's how much you were uncomfortable with what was happening.

What has he one about that?

What do you want, for the rest of your life?

Personally I'd dump him and would tell him that whether his thoughts were about having a wonderful friendship, lots of lovely meals out, days out, shared holidays, between the three of you or a sexual threesome you are not in. You are out. He can sod off.

Lana07 · 08/12/2021 11:51
todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 11:52

More mind boggling that so many people cannot read nuance and subtlety in non verbal human communications. Or lack critical thinking skills to quickly observe and sum up a situation without it being spelled out.

I can see now why it's a skill so prized in work places, because it obviously does not come as naturally to some as others.

Lana07 · 08/12/2021 11:56

'There were 3 of us in this marriage. So it was a bit crowded'.

Bookworm20 · 08/12/2021 11:59

Blimey, I never knew some folks read such hysterics and dynamics into getting into a car to do a short journey to the pub.

You really honestly can't see the issue here with this particular scenario?

I would never just hop into the front seat if a friend and his GF picked me up. Its bloody rude as hell. Especially so if it was an ex boyfriend. Only time that would happen is if the GF actually said to me ' you have the front'.

It was completely intentional by this OW and very likely to make OP feel pushed out and awkward. Add in the ignoring her when she joined the conversation. And then for the OW to then call her deranged and put her down to her DP just proves it really.

I can imagine anyone in that situation would feel uncomfortable given the initial meeting with this woman, which obviously wasn't warm, inclusive and friendly. Add in the emotional side what would ahve resulted from that for OP. OP got upset, and rightly so in my opinion.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 12:01

You really honestly can't see the issue here with this particular scenario?

One hundred percent genuinely no. I could not give a shit for a short journey to the pub and would happily sit where ever, my status and self esteem is not defined by where I sit in a car.