Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When the OW gets her man

275 replies

SaintVal · 07/12/2021 16:31

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 09/12/2021 16:19

just look at Boris and Carrie

I'd rather not look at BorisSmile

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 20:25

I think a PP had it right that although "I dont love you anymore I am leaving" is utterly heartbreaking it is nowhere near as bad as "I have lied to you for X months/years, I have been I have been miserable for years, justify justify justify....." It makes you question every single second of your relationship. You just cannot trust your own memories because it turns out that your perception of them was completely false.

That sort of shit doesnt just break your heart, it totally breaks your head too.

MollysDolly · 10/12/2021 20:56

Massively.

What I hold on to, is that I know I was genuine. Just because "I love you" turns out it came from a horrible gaslighting abuser, doesn't invalidate my honest "I love you" back.

Thinking like this helped me a lot. I drowned in the "my whole life has been a lie" for a long time. My whole life wasn't. I was real. I was true. I was honest.

That horrible piece of work is where the lies are contained.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 21:00

I am there too now. I think it takes a while and some space and distance to come to that point, but it really does make me feel bettter about the whole thing. I didnt lie, I didnt cheat, I didnt make a mockery of the promises I made.

I was honourable and true, I can sleep at night.

Blueblossombush · 10/12/2021 21:12

My ex ran off with my best mate,5 months after I’d had his baby
They beat me up,told my kids I didn’t want them,smashed my house up and walked out hand in hand
This great love affair lasted 7 weeks
Both have come snivelling back and got told to fuck off

My now dp left his wife for another woman and they lasted 9 months (and are still mates)
Him and his ex wife should never have gone near each other,let alone get married and have kids
He shocked himself so badly I know he’d never cheat on me (well as sure as I can be-anything’s possible)
He felt he had to get out as she was toxic-and has tried to put us through hell since he left-but we are solid

But anything is possible and it could happen that in years to come I’m posting on here that he’s cheated
I just don’t think that at this moment it’s going to happen

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 21:21

I have known a few OH with Best Friend affairs. It doesnt surprise me really.

When you think about it logically they will be similar enough to the partner (usually) to get on with, other wise they would be the best friend but with the added frisson of being new.

I used to know a woman who cheated on her DP with his brother and ran off with him. She said that he was just like her DP used to be....well yes that because they were very similar but she hadnt spent 10 years parenting with him and doing the drudge. She was literally going back to her youth! It was a complete car crash. they lasted less than a year, her DP wouldnt have her back (dont blame him) and never spoke to his brother again. In the end his parents cut him off because he should have got over it and made it up with his brother as blood is thicker than water. AFAIK that is still the situation.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 21:23

Wouldnt be the best friend.

I should add that to me this is the worst betrayal I can imagine. When I found out about ex I wanted to talk to my best friend and that was him. To find that my best friend other than him had been the OW would have destroyed me. I am so sorry for anyone this has happened to.

Finknottlesnewt · 10/12/2021 21:30

The cliches are annoying. Marriages end for all kind of reasons. Only those in them truly know why.

I met my DH when he was still married. and I was separated but living in the same house as Ex DH We had an EA for about 6 weeks.

Married over 20 years. I can honestly say the 'creates a vacancy' line could not be less true. I have never considered he would be unfaithful.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 21:47

I find people who say "Cliches are annoying.....marriages end for all sorts of reasons" and then add that their own relationship started with an affair are usually trying to justify how their relationship came about and excuse the pain that it may have called the betrayed spouse/s

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 21:48

caused*

Tabbacus · 10/12/2021 21:55

It's a bit try before you buy isn't it. If a man knows he likes you and wants to give things a serious go, leaving a marriage because you're not in love with your wife anymore evidently is not too much to ask. If he has an affair first seeks like a toss up of oh ah which one to choose, ew. I do think it takes a certain type of person to cheat, leopards and all that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 22:15

Its insulting all round really "Is the sex and potential shiny new life with you good enough to endure the aggro I will get leaving my cosy set up with "The Wife"?"

Oh and that is in my book a MASSIVE red flag, referring to her as "The Wife" because it is dehumanising.....like The Washing Machine or the The Car....you know?

Lockeddownagain · 10/12/2021 22:36

My husband left his girlfriend of 3years for me we've been together 16years

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 23:20

@Lockeddownagain

My husband left his girlfriend of 3years for me we've been together 16years
Well werent you the prize, but sharing that doesnt really add anything does it?

How long was your affair, do you trust him and why?

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2021 23:21

And you dont mention love or happiness

Thewookiemustgo · 11/12/2021 01:25

@Finknottlesnewt
“Married over 20 years. I can honestly say the 'creates a vacancy' line could not be less true. I have never considered he would be unfaithful.”
But he already has been. A long time ago, admittedly, but given the right circumstances for him, he had an EA, he cheated.
Blind trust is not a good thing. I had totally blind trust “my husband would never, ever etc etc” but after 34 years of being a fantastic husband, he did. My never considering he would be unfaithful was why I didn’t see any of it coming. I hadn’t got a clue. I was like you. He wasn’t that guy and he would never cheat. I was wrong. Relationships change over the years and people can too, or have crises which lead to out of character behaviour. You can never say ‘never’ in these circumstances.
I will say ‘never’, in that I will never have blind trust for anyone again, especially someone who has already shown they are capable of betrayal.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/12/2021 01:34

I'm never sure what to say to a woman who "won" her man through an affair. Especially the ones who say "He was in the wrong marriage b ut he would never do that to me"

First instinct is "ok love......"

Lovelydiscusfish · 11/12/2021 01:41

Funnily enough, just found out tonight that my exH (father of my child) is cheating on a woman (one of several I suspect) he cheated on me with (I left him and he ended up with her).

Pretty sure he’s cheated on her before too in the four years or so they have officially been together since our split. But tonight have had it confirmed that he is (by DD, who would definitely know). Sounds like he is pretty serious about this new affair partner, too. Or as serious as he gets about anyone.

Can’t say I’m surprised. But that’s him.

Other affairs can work out, for sure. I am the product of one, and my parents are very happy together now (Tho having said that, my dad has cheated during the marriage, so…..)

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/12/2021 01:57

Doesnt happen always but when it does......

Onthedunes · 11/12/2021 02:07

I suppose the women who feel they have 'won' their affair can be quite different.

Some women punch higher, some women punch lower.

The ones who puch higher tend to be forever on high alert.
The ones who punch lower tend to be put on a pedestal and adored daily.

Both types don't really give a shit of the destruction left behind.
Collateral damage.

There is a lack of concience when people can live a life with great pain in the background.
No man could have ever been wonderful enough for me to dampen my concience, it would have brought me no pleasure at all.

Tiredofbs123 · 11/12/2021 06:45

Cliches are cliches for a reason. It is a fact that you are three to four times more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship if you have cheated, than if you have never cheated. Some other women may be ‘safe’ but the truth of the matter is the odds are stacked against them.

I also roll my eyes at the idea of ‘he would never cheat on me’, my husband came with no cheating history, at all! He cheated. These ‘prizes’ have already proved themselves to be capable of it! I too will never blind trust again, it’s dangerous.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 11/12/2021 07:52

My mate cheated on his wife and married his affair partner, they're still together 10 yrs later.
Affair longevity is uncommon.

Finknottlesnewt · 11/12/2021 07:53

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@Finknottlesnewt
“Married over 20 years. I can honestly say the 'creates a vacancy' line could not be less true. I have never considered he would be unfaithful.”
But he already has been. A long time ago, admittedly, but given the right circumstances for him, he had an EA, he cheated.
Blind trust is not a good thing. I had totally blind trust “my husband would never, ever etc etc” but after 34 years of being a fantastic husband, he did. My never considering he would be unfaithful was why I didn’t see any of it coming. I hadn’t got a clue. I was like you. He wasn’t that guy and he would never cheat. I was wrong. Relationships change over the years and people can too, or have crises which lead to out of character behaviour. You can never say ‘never’ in these circumstances.
I will say ‘never’, in that I will never have blind trust for anyone again, especially someone who has already shown they are capable of betrayal.[/quote]
I don't think I said that I have blind trust. I agree completely that circumstances make people behave in an 'out of character' way. Human beings are all unique individuals and my point really - was that trite lines about 'creating a vacancy' is not a given. Anymore than the circumstances surrounding affairs are all of one uniform type.

On MN we hear mostly about the anguish and heartache caused by men abandoning their wives/partners. (of course it's a site predominantly used by females ) However , this belies the fact that this is not always the case.

In my DH case - his ex w had been having an affair for more than three years. Quite blatant . DH was a high earner who worked away. She had barely concealed contempt for him having the audacity to return home. She liked the lifestyle but not the man. Her new man was her Aerobic instructor (it was over 20 years ago when that was a thing) he was younger and 'more fun' - but not able to keep her in the style to which she had become accustomed.

Every time he made to leave - she threatened him with that old chestnut of ' you will never see the kids' .

Obviously the sensible move would have been to go get legal advice. Easier said than done when you are in the middle of emotional turmoil, can't see the woods for the trees. as well as working away all week ,know nothing of the law. (Luckily I do)

Within 3 weeks of our meeting he had the information and therefore the courage to make the move.

This was all a long time ago. True to her word - she was a nightmare about the kids. Refusing to comply with CAO (or whatever they were called then) ending in a decade in and out of the courts and 3 out of 4 moving in with us as they became teens. So to an extent his fears were justified.

Not all 'affairs' are equal. Nor can you ever know for sure . I don't have blind trust in anything . I have sufficient trust for the past not to cloud our future with any concern of infertility. If it happens then it happens. I will have to deal with that but I won't waste a minute on the 'what ifs' .

Finknottlesnewt · 11/12/2021 07:57

Infidelity.. obviously NOT infertility with 8 kids in the mix !

maa32 · 11/12/2021 07:58

I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind about my DH.

For the record, I wasn't the OW. However, I've since found out that he's subsequently cheated, or jumped into a relationship instantly after leaving each partner, except me. He had been single around 2 weeks when we met, I held off as it was a red flag but really liked him.

Everything moved really fast, I've then found out he literally has jumped from one to the next one or had the said next one lined up!

It's concerning, but I was young and in love when I met him. No signs of any cheating, but what mostly worries me is the blame on every single ex "but I did that because they were crazy.." "I didn't cheat, I just got to know [name]..." "I had to leave her, she was psycho"

It does worry me now.