When the OW gets her man

[SaintVal]

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

Tbh I do agree with you to some extent @Whataday198 . The end of a long-established relationship/marriage - especially if there are children and one person wasn't expecting it and doesn't want to start over - will always be a massive upheaval and heartbreak, regardless of reason why.

I do think affairs bring extra elements of pain in many respects, especially when the person cheating has consistently lied and denied and turned it back on their partner, but also could be seen as at least providing an answer as to 'why'.

Someone walking away ostensibly for no concrete reason must bring its own major struggles to accept.

EX had an affair, left in April 2012, within 3 weeks was professing undying love FOREVER to the OW who actually lasted until December!!!
Been 3 more conquests since then and 2 proposals. Last proposal has resulted in a wedding however not sure its terribly stable. Congrats to him and his Alcoholic!

@Whataday198

Obviously it's better if people just end things when they are no longer happy, but practical reasons mean that so often it feels like they can't.

I'm sometimes not convinced it is better. I often read posts on here where the DH has said he wants a divorce and they don't seem any less pain filled or any less bitter because no one else is involved. An affair just provides an easy target for all the hurt and anger, and a specific thing to focus on.

I’m sorry, but what??!

One thing you’ll repeatedly here victims of infidelity say is it often isn’t the act of being with someone else that does the damage. It’s the lies, gaslighting and betrayal.

This is someone who you believed was your closest confidant, outside maybe your immediate family (and in some cases more so). Who you trust implicitly, as you build a family together. And you discover that person isn’t just working against you and playing you for a fool, but actually enjoying the deceit.

Do you have any idea of the mental trauma that can do to someone? The trust issues it can generate?

This is what my ex still doesn’t get - or at least would admit to herself. To her the pain was all about her falling for another man. But, in reality, that was only a minuscule part of it, and more easily healed. The real damage was how someone who I believed had been my closest friend as well as lover, who I’d shared so many trials and life experiences with, who I’d supported through thick and thin, who even while this was going on was claiming that she was so lucky to have in her life, could treat me like Boris Johnson treats the British Public. It made an entire ten years of happy memories ash overnight, not because “waah, she doesn’t love me any more” but because I have no idea who this person even was now. If she could lie to me repeatedly about her affair, that means should could have lied about anything. Everything becomes a mirage just like that.

I agree, one shouldn’t be “bitter” but honestly, you can no more easily fingersnap emotional fallout like this away by repeating mantra-like “I forgive you and let go” than you can put a kicked ants nest back together with your fingers. It takes time and a lot of therapy and putting your whole shattered worldview back together.

My friend and her husband had an affair and left their respective partners. 24 years & 2 children later they're still together & very happy. Their first marriages were definitely to the wrong people. Sometimes it does work out

@TossaCointoYerWitcha - I'm not saying that anyone should snap their fingers and get over it at all. Just that I see similar levels of pain in the break up of marriages which don't involve an affair. In those marriages the party who isn't choosing to end the relationship often seems to go hunting for an affair just to try and find a reason for the end of the relationship, or will start questioning the sexuality of their partner, or just be angry that they could destroy a family "over nothing". Or there are other betrayals which can hurt just as much - financial, drugs related, abuse etc.

The pain comes from a family, a lifetime of plans, the total disruption of a life. Not from a specific act.

[quote Whataday198]@TossaCointoYerWitcha - I'm not saying that anyone should snap their fingers and get over it at all. Just that I see similar levels of pain in the break up of marriages which don't involve an affair. In those marriages the party who isn't choosing to end the relationship often seems to go hunting for an affair just to try and find a reason for the end of the relationship, or will start questioning the sexuality of their partner, or just be angry that they could destroy a family "over nothing". Or there are other betrayals which can hurt just as much - financial, drugs related, abuse etc.

The pain comes from a family, a lifetime of plans, the total disruption of a life. Not from a specific act.[/quote]
Have you ever been cheated on?

And when I say cheated on I mean destruction of your marriage and family?

@Tiredofbs123

And when I say cheated on I mean destruction of your marriage and family?

Yes. Repeatedly during my first marriage. That was not the worst betrayal. The worst betrayal was him pretending to get clean, continuing to use and dying from an overdose. I found out about the affairs afterwards and they were not the worst by any stretch of the imagination.

My marriage now has involved infidelity. I walked in on husband kissing his girlfriend outside my birthday party. I walked out and ended up sleeping in my car for a week. My life completely fell apart. I ended up losing my job, my home and had a total breakdown and was sectioned. We reconciled several years later - in retrospect his affair was a symptom of severe issues in our marriage relating to my bad mental health and a bunch of other shit going on with him. Ten years later, we are very solid although I kind of count this as my third marriage, but to the same person from marriage 2. And it was devastating to lose everything but would have been had he left under any circumstances.

[quote Whataday198]@TossaCointoYerWitcha - I'm not saying that anyone should snap their fingers and get over it at all. Just that I see similar levels of pain in the break up of marriages which don't involve an affair. In those marriages the party who isn't choosing to end the relationship often seems to go hunting for an affair just to try and find a reason for the end of the relationship, or will start questioning the sexuality of their partner, or just be angry that they could destroy a family "over nothing". Or there are other betrayals which can hurt just as much - financial, drugs related, abuse etc.

The pain comes from a family, a lifetime of plans, the total disruption of a life. Not from a specific act.[/quote]
Yes and I’m saying that an affair brings all that and major long-term trust issues and psychological damage, which means there’s a bit more to them than them “just” being a focus for the disruption bit.

In my case they got married and had children. It was a very bitter pill to swallow, particularly as we had been ttc and I went on to have fertility struggles so I did feel (illogically I know) that my life had been 'stolen' somehow.

They're divorced now. I don't know the ins and outs of it and don't really want to know. I have a lovely DH and finally a DC of my own and am very happy but I don't mind admitting it took me a long time to get past the betrayal and the bitterness. Other people seem to manage to move on quicker than I did.

I’m sorry you went through all this. Sounds awful. I’m glad you’ve reconciled with your second husband.

I find your viewpoint interesting but I just can’t agree with it. I find that relationships that break up without cheating often have a history of discussion before. ‘I’m unhappy’ etc etc. Some have attempted counselling. There’s a disconnect. They might not be happy but they’ve been forewarned in some way.

In many many affairs the betrayed are totally blindsided. They honestly believed they were in a happy, safe marriage. It comes without warning. Days that you thought held good memories suddenly twisted. It’s hell, as you know.

"In many many affairs the betrayed are totally blindsided. They honestly believed they were in a happy, safe marriage. It comes without warning. Days that you thought held good memories suddenly twisted. It’s hell, as you know."

This was my experience. In the immediate aftermath, every day it felt like on an intense level he had flipped a switch in his brain at some point previously when the affair started (I now realise a long time before he left) and made me somehow no longer human. And that allowed him to do everything he did thereafter.

This thread is interesting where people are citing someone "they know" or "a friend" who was part of an adultery situation which resulted in a marriage breakdown and their subsequent relationship. And that subsequent relationship is "really happy" or "much better suited" or "they married the wrong person the first time around" etc

I find it really interesting that a lot of people feel they know the intricate details of other people's relationships to such a detailed and transparent extent that they say with such confidence that this third party they know is "much happier" now. I am not arguing about whether or not the person in question is much happier - but more how the hell do you know they are much happier

Sorry if it sounds dense and if your answer is "well durrr, because they told me" or "well durr because they act happier and I can just tell" - it is quite something to then say you therefore know that the second relationship is happier. Are you inside their heads? Are you certain there might not be another agenda as to why they tell you they are so much happier? Is it confirmation bias? Is it because you did the same thing yourself so therefore you think you understand your friend who cheated so much more? Weird.

@bubblesbubbles11

I very much agree with the de humanising comment.

It is totally what some men do to forge ahead with their plans.
They become ruthless.

I understand how many ow feel that to be betrayed is sour grapes, there is so much more to a discard, a surplanting, or a switching of a changling.

Sounds melodramatic when from all they see from their side is love, but make no mistake, cheating, affairs, betrayal and discarding can in many instances be one of the most abusive times in many peoples lives.

Many ow have not a clue how 1st relationships end, to them it is just transactional and moderately painful and should be easily overcome.
The reality is being discarded goes hand in hand with abuse, sometimes it is horrific pychologically, emotionally and physically.

The betrayed always play it down in public, what you read on here will be the tip of the iceburg, I have no doubt.

That is why the feelings run so strong.
There is a frowning on in society to tell the truth about these matters.

Many ow have not a clue how 1st relationships end, to them it is just transactional and moderately painful and should be easily overcome
This a very thought-provoking comment.
When my DH left his ex-wife I had no idea what/how she was feeling. I was only thinking about my own feelings.

@MrsJackWhicher

Many ow have not a clue how 1st relationships end, to them it is just transactional and moderately painful and should be easily overcome This a very thought-provoking comment. When my DH left his ex-wife I had no idea what/how she was feeling. I was only thinking about my own feelings.

We Know.

Onthedunes

I totally agree.

I have a friend who cheated on her DH...but the unhappiness was there long before they married. I once asked her why she was continuing in the relationship given how unhappy she was. (This was before he even proposed)

Her first DH, although he loved her, didn't love her well or in the way she needed to be loved.

She cheated. Remarried. Her exH has never remarried (I remember his Mum telling me at the wedding that she was the love of his life and I believe her. They just couldn't connect)

Having said all that friend always, always, always had a replacement boyfriend on the go before dumping the current one.

It is interesting how the blame is more often than not placed in the OW even when the OW may not get to know she is the OW until months or years into the relationship, but as somebody mentioned above, an affair shifts the blame to a new person therefore allowing the cheater and cheated partners to look as the innocent parties when they are not exactly so.

It would have been foolish and shortsighted to blame the woman my ex cheated with. The plain reality was that he had a form for putting himself first and it had been years since I could barely put up with him, we had let our own relationship die (the two of us even if that was, on my part, to prioritise the needs of a sickly child) If he was out looking for adventure it was not because a woman made herself available, it was because my cheating ex was looking for one. Simple as that.

And no, I didn’t leave him because I didn’t know of the affair until a long time after we split, but probably I would have turned a blind eye to the affair if that had bought me some time to put my ducks in a row for DS and I to leave him without the associated financial hardship.

@bubblesbubbles11

“In many many affairs the betrayed are totally blindsided. They honestly believed they were in a happy, safe marriage. It comes without warning. Days that you thought held good memories suddenly twisted. It’s hell, as you know.”

Exactly this.
It is completely possible to have not one clue.
There are plenty of people who think that the betrayed must have known at some level, or that they choose to turn a blind eye or are in denial. I had no idea. Cheating does happen in happy and secure marriages, and doesn’t necessarily mean that the cheater doesn’t love their partner. This is the main reason so few partners want to leave their primary relationship when they get caught. The reasons for affairs are manifold and unhappiness, whilst probably common, isn’t always the driving force. ‘Unhappiness’ and ‘dissatisfaction’ described by many cheaters on discovery is quite often the first the betrayed have ever heard of it. It can be part of a self-defence mechanism on realising the enormity of heir actions in that ‘you must have made me unhappy because if I wasn’t driven by you to do this terrible thing, it might be all my fault, and what would that make me....’
Remove insecurity, ego, entitlement, cowardice and opportunity from the ‘why’ and there is very little left. ‘Unhappiness’ is a poor relation in comparison.

@Thewookiemustgo I am convinced there are people out there who can love two people dearly.

I remember a woman who was as in love with her husband as with the man he was having an affair with. One of her friends decided to tell her husband, who swiftly told her he preferred not to know as that way he would not del forced or put under pressure to leave her.

It is almost 20 years since then and they still look happy with each other 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Grandmascat I don’t doubt it. There are as many different affairs as there are people. Horses for courses.

The reasons for affairs are manifold and unhappiness, whilst probably common, isn’t always the driving force.

Yeah, it was wierd in my case. After our first "D Day" we went to marriage counselling and went through everything. Had I been doing too little to help support her around the house and with the kids? No, because it turned out when we looked at things, I was doing enough that she then asked me to do less as she felt it cast her in a bad light. Was I not active enough? Maybe, but the OM was even less so, so if that were the issue why go to him?

In the end my ex was happy to give up looking for reasons and simply declare that if our relationship was actually good enough, then she would have been immune to temptation. Given she'd given into temptation, obviously it wasn't. And that feeling was justification enough.

On one rare occasion, before we split, she did admit to me she missed being a teenager in love again. That complete, naive, mindless abandon. And that, no matter how many date nights we went on, how many romantic meals we shared, no matter much she loved me as a person, I couldn't give her that again after a decade together. But the OM could.

I've said before a "happy relationship" usually means whatever the cheating partner feels they're entitled to. And in some cases that might be a non-abusive partner, and so I can empathise with that. But in my case, the best I have is not being able to give my ex what she described to me. And there was nothing I could do about that. And she valued that more than she valued everything else.

I'm sure she's happy and they'll stick together. I'm just not sure where that leaves me not trusting what a "happy relationship" is supposed to even be now.

@MrsJackWhicher

And as far as the ow being lied to about the treatment being metered out to the wife, it also involves the lies to family, friends, colleages and just about anyone who will listen to re write history to ease the passage of their transition or fun they wish to have.

It takes a calculating person to become the victim of a marriage break up, when they were the ones at fault.

To cope with the devastation of betrayal in marriage is hard enough,but to to have to bat away the smear campaign and backstabbing at the same time is like nothing you can imagine.

Every betrayal is different but many are so abusive it is impossible to comprehend, until it happens to you.

Mine was a very long marriage, very much in love, still passionate, still desired one another, respect for one another. Why would I think after 35 years in an extremely 'safe' marriage would my husband suddenly become my enemy. When I found out about the ow, he must have been at the infatuated stage and was not at a decision stage.

But he didn't want this fun to end, the exposure for me had dire consequences, his fear of being exposed to others changed him into the scariest person I'd ever known.
This became paramount to him, concealing what I knew, for him his reputation was greater than any love for any woman, I believe.

His 'friend' knew nothing of the abuse, in fact she encouraged his stance of victim and 'becoming free' as apparent on her SM.
It was over for me, the decision made, but that choice taken out of his hands was like a switch being turned on in him.

He lost control, the police were involved, my injuries were very bad and still to this day there has been no apology. No remorse.
The threats and rages that I endured for not wanting to put up with this lapse of morals frightened me to death.
He now lives alone, he wanted back, he's delusional.

I could go on, this is a mere snapshot of that wretched time but suffice to say many ow do not know sometimes who and what they are dealing with and how much in danger they can put the previous partner in and be none the wiser it is happening.

I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone, it was a complete turn arround, complete personality change, had no idea what I was dealing with and I'm still trying to make sense of it.

Onthedunes