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Original poster

When the OW gets her man

275 replies

SaintVal · 07/12/2021 16:31

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 08/12/2021 22:28

@Onthedunes I didn’t know that part of your story and I’m so very sorry. Flowers

Onthedunes · 08/12/2021 22:38

Thank You Flowers

Thewookiemustgo · 08/12/2021 22:38

@TossaCointoYerWitcha you’re right, you can’t do anything to compete with NRE (new relationship energy) and nobody should ever have to compete with anything in a mature adult relationship. That’s the energy which is fuel of affairs, at least in the first instance. The newness, the difference, the teenage feeling of being desired and pursuing all that within an atmosphere of risk, is adrenaline crack cocaine. Thing is, it doesn’t last. New, different people become ordinary and fantasy becomes real life. Sneaking around, maybe being extravagant or uber romantic, and creating a whole new you to present to your object of desire can be the fun part of the fantasy and without this, the exciting energy can wane pretty quickly. Not all affair relationships survive this. If your partner was chasing this particular dragon they’ll chase it forever as it has a shelf-life and only more new people will bring that feeling back again. Sorry you’ve been through this.

bubblesbubbles11 · 08/12/2021 22:50

Thewookiemustgo Wed 08-Dec-21 19:43:55

You talk a lot of sense.

bubblesbubbles11 · 08/12/2021 23:04

TossaCointoYerWitcha Wed 08-Dec-21 21:36:45

Just catching up sorry about gap in time.
If one party to the relationship is already in an affair and is in limerance, then no amount of couples counselling (that is assuming they agree to it) will make any difference. They have gone - the switch was flipped before you even knew.

I spent a lot of time somehow thinking I had some control over it (i.e. thinking "marriage counselling" or "couples counselling" could fix this). Many years down the line i know for absolute certain - no. He was well well gone before the day he actually left the house.

Doing a u turn on this and manifesting it in my life took longer than I wanted but if i could turn back time, I would definitely grab back those minutes/hours/days (dread to think) of thinking "if only i had said this" or "done this".

All pointless.

I hope things are good for you again - and if I can offer anything it is a definitive - it is not your fault.

MegSpace · 08/12/2021 23:25

I've known 4 women who have been OWs, 3 of them got the man in the end, 1 didn't and it fizzled out when he made excuses not to leave. Out of the 3 where the man left his wife, 2 of them are now married and seem happy, 1 has a new baby (although surely they will both always have a niggling doubt that he is capable and willing to have a secret extra relationship), the other dumped her for someone else new after what seemed like 5 mins but I don't have any sympathy as she knew he was married and what he was like prior.

MollysDolly · 08/12/2021 23:34

@Onthedunes

I've been through a similar experience, and to see you put it so clearly, and with such eloquent clarity, has moved me to tears.

But it's made me feel strong, because I know the words I need to use if I ever have to speak of that situation again. And for that, truly, thank you Flowers

Ciaobaby92 · 08/12/2021 23:41

My mum left my dad for her AP, who also left his wife, presumably for my mum but before they could enjoy their newfound freedom, mum caught her AP driving around town with some other woman's head on his shoulder (bench seats). He went on to marry the other other woman and I think they stayed together until he died.

I was glad it didn't work out, he was a real bastard but so was my dad. My poor DM has always had bad taste in men.

DDMAC · 08/12/2021 23:55

I know of one, he had two older children and his wife had a surprise pregnancy, he blamed that on his cheating and why he left her, it was all wife’s fault.
So he moved in with OW who was quite a few years younger and about 5 years on they have two very small children, I saw him pushing a pram down the road recently. He looks miserable.

paimio · 09/12/2021 00:05

I was the OW. We’ve been together about a decade, one DC. I would not pretend it was easy on anyone, but everyone seems a lot happier now (incl. DP’s ex).

Onthedunes · 09/12/2021 01:15

@MollysDolly

Thank you, I'm very sorry your experience was similar.

There are some very dark stories and opening up is very distressing.

Flowers
Nedclarity · 09/12/2021 08:52

This is refreshing and balanced discussion, thank you to all of those who have shared their experiences. I’m in a marriage which is on the surface very happy but my issue is that sex has become something of a chore for me, in fact it’s worse than that and I am struggling massively with this part. Of course, to the outside world we have the perfect relationship, and in many ways everything else works brilliantly, we don’t argue and co parent extremely well. We are having counselling but I’m not sure it can be fixed. Splitting up seems impossible due to children and finances, we live in an affluent area so would not be able to afford two homes. The thought of causing that amount of hurt to the children. I would think many people find themselves in this situation and it takes something like an affair to make the break. For years I’ve been thinking that I wouldn’t blame my DH if he did have an affair, he has a very high sex drive. In some ways it would be a relief. He doesn’t feel the same, as he is deeply in love with me.

Not sure what point I’m trying to make, just an observation that I can see how affairs happen.

Contactmap · 09/12/2021 08:57

I know far more successful second marriages than first. This might be age related as I am nearly 60.

ILoveHuskies · 09/12/2021 09:42

@Contactmap

I know far more successful second marriages than first. This might be age related as I am nearly 60.
Same although I'm only in my 40s so possibly the second marriages havent had enough time yet haha
ILoveHuskies · 09/12/2021 09:44

@Nedclarity that sounds so hard, I think this is more common than you'd think Thanks I hope you can both come through it. I personally want less sex than I did in my 20s/30s but I still fancy and love my H. But there's all sorts of factors that can affect women's sex drives, it's not fair how men seem to want and enjoy sex all the time where as it's more complex for us women. X

Survivingmy3yearold · 09/12/2021 10:14

The OW got my ex. I had suspicions for a while and caught him out, we had a 4 month old. They met on the tube drunk and he went back to her hotel 10 minutes after meeting Confused It went on for a while and he said he didn't love her, he just didn't think I'd find out Hmm Interestingly their relationship was a mix of the 2 scenarios, she fell head over heels and left her fiancé and enticed him up north to her neck of the woods by getting pregnant, proposing to him and then saying let's have an open marriage. I'd kicked him out and moved home then anyway so she was welcome to him. Not surprisingly, he only went through with the marriage to save face. She didn't really want an open marriage and went back on it when she had him there with a ring on his finger and another baby. It lasted less than 12 months and she caught him cheating and he admitted he'd never intended to be faithful. But I think she genuinely loved him and thought he was "the one".

WhatMattersMost · 09/12/2021 10:50

I think the problem comes when we see affairs in terms of black and white - that affair relationships are some kind of homogenous group, when I don't think that's the case at all.

There are serial adulterers.

There are people who hit a difficult point in their life and relationship who believe that a new relationship, with all of its intensity, will solve their problems.

Then there are people who are, quite simply, happier and more suited to someone they meet when they are married. These are the ones that tend to work out because the affair was based either on a fatal incompatibility in the marriage - or a significantly greater compatibility with another person.

ILoveHuskies · 09/12/2021 12:25

@WhatMattersMost very good post I think that sums it up 👏🏻

@Survivingmy3yearold lucky escape for you! I actually feel sorry for the ow - absolutely deluded 😳

IgneousRock · 09/12/2021 12:53

Of the marriages I know that ended due to infidelity, the majority are no longer with the OW/OM, but I can think of two when the new couples are still together and genuinely seem to be happier (even according to their DC in one case).

megustalacerveza · 09/12/2021 13:15

I always think they're getting exactly what they deserve - a lying cheat. They will never be able to relax knowing that what they did to another woman could easily be done to them. My first boyfriend cheated, and a few years after we broke up (I dumped him after discovering the affair), he was sending me texts asking me what I was up to, undoubtedly looking to cheat on her with me, or to get back together! I blocked him but I'm sure he tried all his exes and female friends.

KylieKoKo · 09/12/2021 14:24

They will never be able to relax knowing that what they did to another woman could easily be done to them

I think this is wishful thinking to be honest.

Survivingmy3yearold · 09/12/2021 14:44

@ILoveHuskies yes that's pretty much where I'm at now, I feel very sorry for her. But a lucky escape for me, I'm so much happier!

megustalacerveza · 09/12/2021 14:47

@KylieKoKo

They will never be able to relax knowing that what they did to another woman could easily be done to them

I think this is wishful thinking to be honest.

Well, I know the woman my ex was cheating with and has since married is like this.
bubblesbubbles11 · 09/12/2021 15:23

megustalacerveza

My ex married the OW.
I don't know her and although when he first left I wanted to believe that she would "never be able to relax" many years on I now think that is not how it works.

I suspect she is the kind of person who knows full well what my ex is like and does not care - it is like a pact with the devil - she is also in it for what she can get out of it (money mainly) and that is exactly what she has now so she is happy. My ex is obviously also happy to be with a woman who i suspect he knows is only with him because he can buy her whatever she wants when she wants it - and he is quite happy with that.

I suspect there is a lot of this kind of thing about - just look at Boris and Carrie - Carrie is prepared to do it (it seems obvious that is not any kind of genuine love story)... and so will many many women out there if they think they can get what they want.

In other words the affair partner and the ex spouse are often a good match for each other.

ItsSunnyOutside · 09/12/2021 15:42

I know of 3 couples who started out as the OW/OM. A real mixed bag of outcomes.

One seem genuinely very happy together, went on to have 2 dcs. He was in a very unhappy, abusive marriage previously. We could all see they were absolutely not right for one another.

The other couple got together after having an affair, each had kids with their previous spouses and the whole thing was a sorry mess, still is 20 odd years later. They have a very volatile, uneasy relationship, and one of the adult dcs is nc from the mum.

The other couple got together after he strayed and they seemed very happy for a while, got a house together etc. Spilt up 5 years later, when he met someone else. The original OW was actually lovely and I think genuinely thought they'd be together forever. He was always abit of a prick, it wasn't a surprise to anyone else when he had yet another affair.