Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

Thank you for your reply.
It’s really odd as in a line up with all 3 of us everyone would actually say I’m the strongest character, or was at the start. but completely and utterly through all of this i have undoubtedly become the weakest.
I think I have never felt sure enough to trust my feelings either way for some reason.
I don’t know if that’s because he’s such a good person, such a good dad, and I do love him, that I couldn’t quite justify leaving him; gay or not, and was only able to deal with the logical fallout when he told the children as I realised I had hurt him so much there was almost no going back in my head at that point.
She is by far more vulnerable than me in some ways, some mental health stuff etc however she lost no sleep over her break up or divorce ( however there had been problems and affairs on his part earlier in the marriage so maybe it was easier for her to focus on those points )
I honestly feel like neither option can now make me happy as I’m not sure and settled with my decision and that’s what’s causing the most turmoil.
I can’t seem to get any clarity.
This is why i went to the counsellor but it didn’t help.

I honestly feel like neither option can now make me happy as I’m not sure and settled with my decision and that’s what’s causing the most turmoil.

You're framing this in the wrong way.

Your decision isn't your husband vs this woman.

Your decision should be stay in the marriage vs leave the marriage and be single and independent for a good while.

Because the latter means you can focus on your kids, have as amicable a split as possible and process your own feelings about your identity instead of just going all in on another relationship too soon. It would essentially be a rebound.

Put your kids first. Focus on amicably splitting and coparenting instead of handwringing about which person you want to be with romantically.

That should be nobody at the moment. Because your kids need you to have them as your total focus in this transitional period.

You can contact this other woman when you've been single and independent for a while and see if she's still interested and available.

Surely your kids are number one for now?

Of course they are and this 6 month period did already happen
No contact with her and time apart from my husband with weekly counselling
She said I was gay and was unfair to my husband by even contemplating staying with him
It then all got too much for him and he told the children and his parents and siblings so I think I felt quite forced into a corner
The kids are my priority 100% but if I can make it work with their dad I feel I should - it’s just knowing if I can.
If I had clarity and that made me think neither were right for me I could easily cope with that - it’s the lack of clarity that’s causing me the most distress.

Thank you for everyone’s help and advice

Do not put a stop on your lives to keep others happy. Life is too short to be miserable or to live a lie.

@ForBooks Yes, this applies to both the OP and her husband. They both need to move forward and be happy, either alone or with other people. It's not fair on either of them to stay in the marriage.

Thank you but I’m struggling with feeling like this to be honest especially now it’s Christmas.