Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

I agree with the last post.

@Outlyingtrout it's a difficult thing to judge how much time is appropriate. 3 months, 6 months, 1 year?

There is no set time for how long one should morally put their life on pause to be respectful to their ex's grief.

6 months to process this sounds pretty reasonable.

We see posters here all the time who have to accept the fallout from affairs & OW in way less time Also those posters are routinely advised to NOT involve the children the way he is. You don't see people advising they sit the kids down to discuss the separation & ask them what they want.

Yes, but normally the affair partner makes a decision and leaves or is kicked out. And then the other partner has time and space to process it. They don't turn around and say OK I have chosen my AP and now off you go, pack your bags, I'll be staying here?!

I hope you feel OK about staying OP and that you manage to sort some finances so you maybe have a greater choice going forward. Good luck to you x

@WorriedWilma123

There has been much discussion about the you and your husband but where does your partner fit into this? It was her declaration of love to a person she knew was married which has created this situation. She could have respected your wedding vows and kept her feelings to herself. Anyway, if you can't live with her she should at least be helping you to overcome the domestic issues she had a hand in creating. After all that is what loving partners do.

@chilliplant634 so if moving out is the only way for someone to process an affair, then remaining separated under same roof doesn't seem a viable solution.

Also to be fair, if your spouse tells you they think they are gay (not bisexual but full gay) then if you spend the 1st 6 months of this trying to "make it work" then in reality you are dragging out your grief process & living in denial.

If you continue to put up obstacles to prevent your gay spouse leaving, how long before it becomes likely that they will be out experiencing gay sex, whether you approve or not? If you tell your spouse you are gay then 12 months later I think it's OK to go out & be having gay sex.

[quote smoko]@Outlyingtrout it's a difficult thing to judge how much time is appropriate. 3 months, 6 months, 1 year?

There is no set time for how long one should morally put their life on pause to be respectful to their ex's grief.

6 months to process this sounds pretty reasonable.

We see posters here all the time who have to accept the fallout from affairs & OW in way less time Also those posters are routinely advised to NOT involve the children the way he is. You don't see people advising they sit the kids down to discuss the separation & ask them what they want.[/quote]
6 months to process the end of your marriage and the fact that the entire thing has likely been a sham and the fact that your spouse is in a new relationship? All while they continue to live under the same roof? I couldn't do it.

Anyway I don't actually think it's the time so much as the fact that she's still living in the same house. It's not viable. And 100% he shouldn't be involving the kids. I'm not saying he's a saint. He's ballsing it up as well. I just think OP has made the situation more painful and traumatic for him that it needed to be and it's no surprise that he's making bad choices under that kind of pressure.

I’m not sure what she could offer in terms of practical stuff.
She has offered the few thousand she has for a deposit and the rent in advance but not a single landlord here will touch me because when that tune out they don’t want someone using UC to top up the rent with. It’s a very affluent village so there are hardly any rentals so they can be very fussy.
If she didn’t have children of course I would stay there to give him time with the children without me but still be there as much as possible so my children didn’t feel abandoned but she does.
I would worry very much what my children would feel like knowing I was going back to a different home with someone else’s children each night but not them.
I know lots will say that’s my own doing but I don’t believe walking away from a husband means I then have to walk away from my children.

Sent you a PM. First one ever so hope it worked.

This is gross.

Essentially, your eyes have wandered and you've decided to end your marriage to pursue new exciting lustful desires. No sympathy at all.

Regardless of the romantic aspect, your marriage has broken down and you have been separated but still living together for a year. It clearly isn't working and no one is able to move on due to your current circumstances.
Becoming a single parent involves changes, for everyone.
Your husband needs to realise he will not see his kids 7 days a week and he cannot police you or demand you do all the childcare.
You need to understand that you may need to start applying for new full time jobs and your ds may need to stay in breakfast/ after school club until he can cope by himself. Your daughter I assume can already cope for a few hours after school?
I think in the long run you might both need to move into more suitable, separate, affordable accommodation.
Splitting up is never nice but it is also usually a bump (albeit a large one) in the road but that then enables co-parenting to work itself into a pattern and each parent to be out from each others feet and to have some space (both mental and literal).
You are both going to have to make some serious sacrifices here to make your lives work as you need them to.

@WOTW

This is gross.

Essentially, your eyes have wandered and you've decided to end your marriage to pursue new exciting lustful desires. No sympathy at all.

So she should stay in the marriage despite being gay?

She has offered the few thousand she has for a deposit and the rent

It sounds like you're choosing to continue your relationship with her. Is your husband still saying she can't meet your children?

How is you remaining living with him and living two separate lives going to work? Will she put up with that long term?

I missed the age of the daughter, but the son is 10, he is at the age, or very close to it, that he would actually have a say in choosing which parent to live with.

You’ve blown multiple worlds apart in what you’ve done, OP. That’s not to say you should live a lie, but have some understanding of the devastation your realization and subsequent actions have caused. I see no reason why your husband should be the one to leave. You knew your financial situation, yet chose to proceed as you did, expecting that he would do as your requested and just leave you the house. Well, he hasn’t, so now you have to find a way to make changes to better your situation.

So she should stay in the marriage despite being gay?

Why is someone's sexuality inclination more important than their duty as a parent?

I honestly didn’t expect him to leave.
I thought we would cohabit for a few years at least because when this all first was spoken about he was very understanding and supportive of me getting counselling to accept I’m gay, told the children nothing would change for them and that we would manage it all.
Sadly as time went on he got more upset and angry about everything.

So to be a good parent she has to stay in an unhappy sham marriage? Because that’s going to a lovely happy home for the kids isn’t it

@hivemindneeded

So she should stay in the marriage despite being gay?

Why is someone's sexuality inclination more important than their duty as a parent?

Is it good for kids to have parents in a loveless marriage? How old do the kids have to be before she can stop pretending?

Your marriage is over . In that situation you have to separate. Your sexuality is not the issue here. If you (or your DH) had found another opposite sex partner you surely wouldn’t expect to still live together surely?

I hear all your objections and as a parent of a severely disabled (adult) child I get those issues too. But, this is an intolerable situation for all of you and will be incredibly confusing and damaging for the DC.

The issues round money, houses etc need to be resolved as others have to do before you. It won’t be the same but that’s the reality. Stop seeing yourself as a unit , but as asingle mum and start to plan on that basis. If you really can’t then maybe you need to decide if this is what you really want?

I thought we would cohabit for a few years at least because when this all first was spoken about he was very understanding and supportive of me getting counselling to accept I’m gay, told the children nothing would change for them and that we would manage it all.

I'm speculating that when you had that conversation he is was probably still in love with you, still trying to process what the hell was on, possibly in denial and was not wanting to break up the family unit so was agreeing to anything to keep the status quo. As time moved on and he had the opportunity to analyse, accept, possibly seek advice from trusted friends and generally review events through a less emotive lens he probably had Damascene WTF moment and decided he was not going to be the prize lemon in a shit show that he was not responsible in creating.

The OP isn’t obliged to live a lie at all, no one has said that.

There’s a notion though, that if you make such a huge change that disrupts not just your life, but those of your children and spouse, that everything will fall into place and everyone will be happier and agree that the change was positive. Except that’s no always the case, is it? Sometimes the consequences can be overwhelmingly negative, and have lasting detrimental impact on all parties involved. That’s not the say the change shouldn’t be made, but people shouldn’t be so naive as to expect the outcome to always be positive, and consider whether, in the event that is plays out badly, the long term consequences are in fact worth it.

@WorriedWilma123

I honestly didn’t expect him to leave. I thought we would cohabit for a few years at least because when this all first was spoken about he was very understanding and supportive of me getting counselling to accept I’m gay, told the children nothing would change for them and that we would manage it all. Sadly as time went on he got more upset and angry about everything.

So from your point of view you hoped that the marriage would continue, a celibate marriage for him and an open marriage for you?

As for your your partner's offer of money, surely that amount would enable you to rent a room for a few months? Go onto spareroom.co.uk and see what you could get.

You say you haven't cheated, and yet, in your 9th post you confirm you are still living with your husband and you refer to the other woman as your Partner?

@WorriedWilma123

I honestly didn’t expect him to leave. I thought we would cohabit for a few years at least because when this all first was spoken about he was very understanding and supportive of me getting counselling to accept I’m gay, told the children nothing would change for them and that we would manage it all. Sadly as time went on he got more upset and angry about everything.

I can imagine his initial reaction was quite different to his current feelings. That is natural. At first he was probably blindsided by this revelation, but with time he has likely experienced all sorts of emotions. I'm not surprised at all that "he got more upset and angry about everything." In his place, wouldn't you? It isn't fair to hold him to anything he said when he first found out.

It looks to me as though both of you are desperately trying to keep everything as close to the way it was before (same house, same jobs, same schedules, same childcare arrangements) while also living separate lives. But that is really untenable in the long term. And even in the short term, as you have discovered. I do understand the impulse to pretend everything is just as it was and nothing has to change even though you are pursuing a new relationship. It's very natural for both you and your husband to hold onto the familiar parts of your life together. Ultimately that won't work though. For him especially, with the best will in the world, living in the current arrangements will feel like the emotional equivalent of walking barefoot across broken glass every moment of the day.

Neither of you may recognise it yet, but I think the best option would be a clean break as soon as you can achieve it. That would mean looking for another job, either a full-time position that pays better or some work you can do at home. It would mean saving every penny you possibly can so you can move out. It may not happen immediately, but I would work toward that goal as soon as possible. I know your DH wants to continue cohabiting, but I do think he's just clinging onto a familiar setup. He will probably feel relief once you truly separate.

@BlondeDogLady

They are living in the same house due to financial reasons. They are not a couple. They have separated.

I do think she cheated at the beginning. An emotional affair is an affair. But she isnt cheating now. Her and her husband are not together, they just live in the same house. He knows this.