Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

Jeesh - most partners who fall in love piss off immediately to live with the new partner - the OP is falling over herself to be fair on everyone and getting flack for it.

I wonder if the time of year (Xmas) is exaggerating all the 'problems' - I am sure if DP meets someone else (which I am sure he is hoping will happen) he will move out sharpish without much consideration for the DCs etc.
The children are older - they're becoming teens, they've had a shock but you and DH are trying to sort things to the best of your abilities.
Normally you would have moved in with your lover - perhaps in the end this is easiest option all round, after the initial shock, for everyone.
I don't see you can do more OP - it is what it is - everyone needs to start accepting this (after a year!!) - they are all being selfish and trying to put their wishes first, sounds like this is making it harder than it is.
however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.

Well only the DH and DS can sort this, are they punishing you - you can't turn the clock back they need to move on.

I do understand what people are saying in that it seems so selfish only being able to even contemplate my marriage if the woman is not on the scene etc but the difference is that I have ALREADY tried to make the marriage work in the 6 months I spent apart from her and I became very down and spent a long time seeing a counsellor who helped me see that I am clearly not straight.
This was a big shock at this age to be honest and took a long time for me to accept in itself.
I look at him and see the person I married, our home and our family together, I can easily imagine holding his hand and having a hug that makes me feel safe and secure but I can’t imagine being intimate with him now without not only feeling like I was putting on some kind of show as the connection has just never been there with any man I’ve been with in comparison to how it was with her; but also I would be under massive scrutiny to show that I am able to keep this up to him.
It all feels really depressing.

@Aislebeback

Emotional abuse is still abuse and just as destructive as any other form of abuse, so yes you could be rehomed under section 7 with your children. You need to call womens aid. What he's doing now you want to leave is manipulating and emotionally abusing you, he sounds coercive as well. Your son doesn't want his dad to be upset, that's understandable but your husband shouldn't be putting his emotional baggage on his kids either!

I'm going through similar (I left earlier this year due to DA and had to leave my DC with ExP as they refused to come with me and were old enough to make that choice) and my DC has a few times demanded things of me because dad was upset that I wasn't complying. I won't lie, it's fucking hard saying no to your kid, even when you know hand on heart that it's in their best interests.

This will be a long road and it certainly won't be easy but exposing your son to this isn't healthy either. Essentially what your teaching him is that his dad's feelings matter more than your sexual preferences, who you are and your own happiness and that if he kicks up enough of a fuss, he'll get what he wants, even if it's harmful to the other person. That is not a healthy lesson to teach or a good example to set for your son OR your daughter.

Do you have anyone you can stay with temporarily?

It's hardly abuse is it. She's just told him she's leaving him for someone else he's bound to react in some way.

Given your financial situation, the age of your children, that your DS has ADHD so really needs stability even more than most- my Plan A would be to go to some kind of couple counselling, patch it up as friends and find a way to make it work in the short term for five years until DS is 15 or so, and not 10 years old and such a young age - do your best to make something work for them.

5 years is a short time in an adult's life. Half the lifetime of your DS.

It won't be easy, and I appreciate it goes directly against a lot of other posters advice, but given everything I think that's the least worst option for now.

If you can't choose between the two of them, don't be with either.

You're clearly very emotionally involved with them and I 100% get why you want to make it work with him but you'll never be truly happy and he'll know that.

Sometimes wanting something to work out isn't enough.

Thankyou for all the replies
I guess I desperately wanted it to work out with her to almost justify the destruction I’ve caused that’s why after the awful 6 months of being apart and discovering I’m gay it almost felt natural to be with her

I asked these questions on Sunday and wondered what progress you've made as it will do you good to get out of this wallowing phase and start ticking off some actions to help focus on your kids.

Counselling - have you booked the further solo sessions yet?

Accommodation - have you looked at house shares yet to see what the cost would be to temporarily have a room somewhere while you all get used to the fact the relationship is over?

The other woman - have you cut contact with her? (I know you've previously said no, you haven't ended it you've just taken some space but I wondered if based on the responses since then you've realised you need to go no contact at the moment)

Those three things would be good places to start, where are you at with each of them?

Counselling - currently waiting on hearing back from one who accepts part payment if on a low income as can’t afford the normal priced sessions and the NHS wait time is 12 weeks.

Living arrangements - We have spoken at length and we both still think living together is the best option currently.
We have been doing this for the last year and the thing that has bothered him the most is the fact he pays for my share of the rent however I’ve now put in a UC in as my income is low and that should make things feel fairer to him when he’s not paying anything towards me living here.
It’s a rental house with both our names on the tenancy so solicitors advice was this a year ago, but I wasn’t aware I could claim as a single person whilst married even though separated.
Contact with her has stopped.
I now feel incredibly guilty about that as she’s already gone through all of this and broken her family home based on the realisation she was gay and how she felt about me so now I feel terrible.
Terrible all round.

I remember wondering if I would die from
the heartbreak of having no contact with her for 6 months ( she had been a good friend
for 3 years prior ) and now I feel the same about losing the family unit for my children.
I now hurt someone whatever I do and that’s weighing heavily on me.
I believe I was meant to be with her but we’ve met at the completely wrong time.

@WorriedWilma123

I remember wondering if I would die from the heartbreak of having no contact with her for 6 months ( she had been a good friend for 3 years prior ) and now I feel the same about losing the family unit for my children. I now hurt someone whatever I do and that’s weighing heavily on me. I believe I was meant to be with her but we’ve met at the completely wrong time.

But you won't lose your family, he will always be the father of your children and they will always be your children. So you need to focus on how wonderful it is that you have your lovely kids and how important it is that you and he both do your very best to split amicably and focus on coparenting instead of raising them in an environment that is either toxic (with resentment both ways) or confusing (with mum and dad living together but not being together / maybe dating other people etc).

A clear, decisive and structured plan of action is what you both need to focus on for the kids' sakes.

I now hurt someone whatever I do and that’s weighing heavily on me.

This sounds like it's causing you to freeze and do nothing as you know any action will cause someone upset. But that's just real life and sometimes inevitable. Too much has happened for that to change now.

This should be your key focus in counselling - it's good to hear you've found someone who accepts part payment and hopefully they'll come back to you soon.

Is there anything you can cut back on at home in order to help fund counselling if the financial aspect is the issue stopping you getting it sooner?

Sadly no as any extra money is his.
I have applied for an evening job 2 nights a week which will be hard going as I’ll be working all day with a 4 hour gap before another 6 hour shift but this will increase my money situation enough to pay for counselling.
It’s only temporary over the Xmas period so his shifts are set until January so I can do that easily.
You’re right - I do feel completely frozen now.

@WorriedWilma123

Thankyou for all the replies I guess I desperately wanted it to work out with her to almost justify the destruction I’ve caused that’s why after the awful 6 months of being apart and discovering I’m gay it almost felt natural to be with her

Have you thought that maybe you could be bisexual and not gay, just wondering

I panic my that because then this might not be the self discovery journey I think I’ve been on.

@WorriedWilma123

I panic my that because then this might not be the self discovery journey I think I’ve been on.

But say you are gay. And that this woman was someone you fell for and could be with... you'd still have to split with your husband which would upset him greatly, it would still mean temporary upheaval re living situations, it would still mean you / him moving out in the long run, it would still mean difficult conversations with your kids etc etc.

Being gay / leaving for a woman / leaving for a man / splitting because you don't love your husband as a partner... whichever of those is / was the case, the outcome is the same. You will have to hurt some people along the way now that you can't turn the clock back. It's unfortunate but it's real life.

And wallowing about it or freezing up rather than taking action and making decisions is only adding to the confusion for your kids, not taking it away.

[quote girlmom21]@WorriedWilma123 you're leaving emotional abuse if you leave now.[/quote]
Ridiculous. Surely he could say the same thing then, unless you don't think cheating can be seen as a form of emotional abuse?

I don’t think there has been any emotional abuse.
He has struggled and said things but I don’t blame him because I can’t say I would have handled this any better.
This is going to sound ridiculous but my only reason for leaving him is because I’ve realised I’m gay, so without having that title, it almost feels like a massive mistake.
There were no other problems in our marriage - I put the lack of emotional connection especially when being intimate down to my sexuality too once I realised as it’s been like that with every male partner.
I definitely love her but I also love him - just in very different ways and I have no idea if I’m making a massive mistake now.
How awful for me to walk away from her now that she’s divorced and lives alone with her children - she’s always said it wasn’t just for me she left him as they did have other issues but fundamentally it was the reason so that’s a lot of guilt now on that side too.
I feel completely overridden with guilt in every way.

Maybe he’s already met someone else and I’ll never repair all this damage.
I feel really scared I’ve made the wrong choice

I panic my that because then this might not be the self discovery journey I think I’ve been on.

Well, clearly not. I don't blame you to be honest as certain sections of the press seem to frame coming out as gay while in a heterosexual relationship as some kind of celebratory 'you go girl' journey climaxing with a 'Let it go' triumphant song while quietly ignoring the emotional wreckage left in your wake.

This thread is almost turning into a Liz Jones style confessional blog. You have had load of advice on here, I just think you need to bite the bullet and make a decision rather then wallowing in a woe is me pity party.

OP, we all have the right to choose a partner who makes us happy and tbh, I don't think your DH will ever be sure of your love after this. It would be better for both of you to make a fresh start so he can meet someone who is more certain of who/what they want.

You can still co-parent amicably and show your children that they are both your priorities.

I agree.
It was never an intentional thing where I thought I would get loads of support but I did think because I was “ gay “ that some of the blame would almost be taken away from me - it was something I couldn’t change so I didn’t deserve to be punished.
In time I’ve realised the hurt I’ve caused my husband and children and now have a horrible feeling I’ve taken this realisation as something I HAD to go with; a woman has divorced her husband and split her family in the hope of being with me and I’ve gone with that believing I couldn’t make him happy or him make me happy again and now I’m realising that I actually do love them both so what the hell am I meant to do with that.
Whichever way I go now I hurt people.

Whichever way I go now I hurt people.

Yes, short term that is true.

Long term, it would hurt your husband more to spend his life with someone who doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him because they aren't sexually attracted to him. It would be painful, cause resentment and make your home toxic.

So by staying with him, all you'd be doing is making life easier for yourself in the short term by purposefully avoiding short term pain... despite it being best for him and the kids in the long term for you to split. They won't live with you two as a dysfunctional couple and he has the chance to meet someone who adores him as a partner, romantically, sexually, everything.

Can you reframe it that way to yourself in order to galvanise yourself out of this frozen state you're in where you're feeling sorry for yourself but not taking action / making decisions? It's more selfish to avoid hurting people in the short term, when hurting them now is best in the long term.

And everyone's already hurt anyway, you need to push through this bit.

WorriedWilma and Sparkleboots.

You two are both incredibly brave. To realise, and decide to ultimately be honest with yourself and your partners. To then work through a separation, cohabiting and dealing with this new revelation and feelings that go with it, can be distressing especially if you're continually walking on egg shells.

Your children are ultimately shocked, but they will come around. It is not helpful if/when the exh continually beats you with something you can't change. They will also pick up on the animosity which isn't fair on them.

My partner went through a similar path like yourselves. She is 3 years into it.

If you would like some support I'd be happy to lend my ear. There are also some fb groups, which include other gay women who have gone, or are going through similar. I can happily pm you the group names.

Do not put a stop on your lives to keep others happy. Life is too short to be miserable or to live a lie.

Good luck to both of you.

ForBooks
I hope you don’t mind but I’ve PMd you

@WorriedWilma123

I agree. It was never an intentional thing where I thought I would get loads of support but I did think because I was “ gay “ that some of the blame would almost be taken away from me - it was something I couldn’t change so I didn’t deserve to be punished. In time I’ve realised the hurt I’ve caused my husband and children and now have a horrible feeling I’ve taken this realisation as something I HAD to go with; a woman has divorced her husband and split her family in the hope of being with me and I’ve gone with that believing I couldn’t make him happy or him make me happy again and now I’m realising that I actually do love them both so what the hell am I meant to do with that. Whichever way I go now I hurt people.

So, I've been reading this thread the whole time. I've become more and more unsettled by it.

Whichever way I go now I hurt people

I think you're getting buffeted between two strong characters, who both really want you (and which makes me think you must be a lovely, magnetic person). Your husband is strong-minded and wants you, and has said so. Your partner began this whole thing by telling you she was in love with you. But what about you?

Whichever way you go you hurt people -- but think about yourself for a moment.

It sounds like you operate at a different pace, but without thinking about pleasing either of these people think about what you want to do.

The children will be ok, and you will be ok. You will work it out.

Also, and I realise this might seem a curve ball, it's ok if you want neither of these people.