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Original poster

Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

456 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 14:25

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

OP posts:
BlondeDogLady · 09/12/2021 14:23

I do think she cheated at the beginning. An emotional affair is an affair. But she isnt cheating now. Her and her husband are not together, they just live in the same house. He knows this

I think if a man was living with his wife, but sleeping on the sofa (because he couldn't afford to leave), and yet he was seeing OW, there would be eyebrows raised as to whether that was ok. I do get that it's a very difficult situation all round though.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 14:39

As for your your partner's offer of money, surely that amount would enable you to rent a room for a few months? Go onto spareroom.co.uk and see what you could get.

This. Why isn't this an option OP?

It would mean you could still see the kids just as much but stay somewhere else overnight to offer everyone involved some much needed breathing space while you come to a more permanent solution.

BlueBellsArePretty · 09/12/2021 15:27

@youvegottenminuteslynn

As for your your partner's offer of money, surely that amount would enable you to rent a room for a few months? Go onto spareroom.co.uk and see what you could get.

This. Why isn't this an option OP?

It would mean you could still see the kids just as much but stay somewhere else overnight to offer everyone involved some much needed breathing space while you come to a more permanent solution.

@WorriedWilma123

I stay in area that's not considered cheap however a cursory glance at spareroom.co.uk shows nice double rooms for £300 a month including bills. If you were to find similar, then your partner's money could pay for around 8-9 months of accommodation during which you could make proper plans.

stormyalphabet · 09/12/2021 15:48

@hivemindneeded

So she should stay in the marriage despite being gay?

Why is someone's sexuality inclination more important than their duty as a parent?

You don't stop being a parent when you separate Hmm
grannycake · 09/12/2021 15:56

@WorriedWilma123

I’ve never come across a mother leaving her children behind and I’ve seen many break ups, some the woman’s fault, some the mans fault and some with no fault but the woman always has the children.
My mother left when I was 4. I was brought up by my paternal grandparents. My DF was overseas in Army (not before the split so in effect he left to)

It has affected my relationships all through my life and still does I'm now 65

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 16:07

@WorriedWilma123

I’ve never come across a mother leaving her children behind and I’ve seen many break ups, some the woman’s fault, some the mans fault and some with no fault but the woman always has the children.
Mine sent us to live with DF and his new girlfriend because she wanted to go travelling with the OM...

Then she got pregnant, didn't go travelling, and continued to be shit. Now she cries to everyone about how horrible I am for going NC because she's shit with my children too Smile

hivemindneeded · 09/12/2021 16:15

You don't stop being a parent when you separate
True. But if you are married to a good, kind person you think twice before trashing their stablility and trust just because you have the flutters elsewhere.

Mama234567 · 09/12/2021 16:40

I feel for you, your husband and your children. It's a sad situation all round. I think your children will understand this one day even if they don't get it now, maybe when they're going through puberty themselves in a couple of years they will understand more about how people can't choose thier sexuality. Your husband will also get over it in time but its understandable that he is hurting and trying to negotiate at the moment, its like going through the bargaining stage of grief.

Based on what you've said I think your goal should be to live separately and co parent as fairly as possible. Living together for financial reasons will be horrible for all of you including your children. Maybe call citizens advice and ask about the universal credit that you would be entitled to, lots of people on low income jobs claim it to help pay rent and bills. I appreciate that finding a landlord to take you on would be difficult. If your husband moved out and you applied for universal credit immediately, this would be easier. I can understand people thinking that he shouldn't be the one to leave but if he can afford to rent on his own and you need to create two stable homes for your children it might be for the best. Its not easy but stable separate houses really should be the plan here. Take care.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 09/12/2021 20:56

I’ve spoken to him about leaving and he doesn’t want me to.
He thinks it will be too upsetting for the children and he doesn’t want to change jobs to accommodate childcare.
He has done the same job for 17 years and is very settled.
He takes on overtime as and when at the minute, even first thing in the morning for that day because of me doing all the school stuff so he doesn’t want that to change.
The best outcome at the minute is that universal credit can see that because we are separate I need to support half of the house outgoings and need a bit of support because of my wage until our son is at secondary school and possibly can be left alone for periods of time etc.
Thank you for all the advice.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 09/12/2021 21:03

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Oh, FFS. He isnt abusive. She isnt feeling abuse.

This is a person who has found out that his spouse had an emotional affair and then left him to be with that person. Anyone who has been married and had children and then gets cheated on, lashes out and gets upset. He isnt abusive. The OP hid/lied about/ignored her sexuality, married a man, had children and then left him for someone else. He will be going through heartbreak and confusion and is losing the family he thought they built together. Life is going to look very different from here in out and that takes time to accept. He is allowed to grieve the loss of the life he thought he would have.

Women post on here all the time about their husband's affairs and they derail their reaction; shouting, begging, guit tripping. They get support and told that he deserves to hear how hurt she is etc. But a man doing it to a woman who cheated is called abusive. This sit can be disgusting sometimes.

OP, you had an emotional affair and now you've left your husband. You cant make that sound nice. You're hiding behind the romance of coming out and meeting this woman and things just clicking but it doesnt change what you did. An emotional affair, then leaving your husband for someone else. He is hurt. You're going to have to deal with that. It will pass.

You cannot carry on living with him just because his finances support you. You'll have to manage just like everyone else. You leave, you figure out your own housing problem and you come to an agreement about childcare. He is an involved and loving father and he isnt choosing to leave so please dont even think about taking the kids and only allowing limited access because you think they need you more or whatever. Even time. Do your absolute best to put their needs first and make sure they get even time with you both as much as possible.

He wants you to stay because he probably hopes for reconciliation. You know that you dont want that. Staying is cruel and will prevent him from healing and moving on. He deserves to meet someone else and be happy, just like you have.

You need to divorce. You need to leave the home and find somewhere else and sort out contact with the kids.

You've found the awakening love. That's great. But you dont get to have that and maintain your marriage and keep his financial support (child maintenance is different of course). You need to go out alone now and do the best you both can for your kids.

100% agree with this post.
girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 21:44

@WorriedWilma123

I’ve spoken to him about leaving and he doesn’t want me to. He thinks it will be too upsetting for the children and he doesn’t want to change jobs to accommodate childcare. He has done the same job for 17 years and is very settled. He takes on overtime as and when at the minute, even first thing in the morning for that day because of me doing all the school stuff so he doesn’t want that to change. The best outcome at the minute is that universal credit can see that because we are separate I need to support half of the house outgoings and need a bit of support because of my wage until our son is at secondary school and possibly can be left alone for periods of time etc. Thank you for all the advice.
I don't think it's fair that you pay half if he's refusing to change his job to accommodate you.

If anything, he should pay you for his half of the childcare.

weddingdilemmma · 09/12/2021 22:43

Imagine for a minute, an new post being started by a woman:

"Married for years, 2 kids, then my DH suddenly realised he was gay. Complete bolt from the blue but he'd been having an EA with a male friend. He is now in a sexual relationship with the other man, has told me our marriage is over but is refusing to move out as he can't afford to leave. He wants me to move out instead as if I do that he will be financially better off. All this has happened in the last 6 months and both mine and my DC's world has been turned upside down but I'm being accused of being selfish for not being more understanding and he can't believe I'm not over it already. What should I do?"

lydiafrank390 · 09/12/2021 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 22:55

@weddingdilemmma

Imagine for a minute, an new post being started by a woman:

"Married for years, 2 kids, then my DH suddenly realised he was gay. Complete bolt from the blue but he'd been having an EA with a male friend. He is now in a sexual relationship with the other man, has told me our marriage is over but is refusing to move out as he can't afford to leave. He wants me to move out instead as if I do that he will be financially better off. All this has happened in the last 6 months and both mine and my DC's world has been turned upside down but I'm being accused of being selfish for not being more understanding and he can't believe I'm not over it already. What should I do?"

Absolutely this. It might help OP to see this and try to understand how her expectations are coming across to people not connected to her situation as she doesn't seem to understand how entitled her expectations have sounded.
Autumndays123 · 10/12/2021 07:34

@WorriedWilma123

I’ve spoken to him about leaving and he doesn’t want me to. He thinks it will be too upsetting for the children and he doesn’t want to change jobs to accommodate childcare. He has done the same job for 17 years and is very settled. He takes on overtime as and when at the minute, even first thing in the morning for that day because of me doing all the school stuff so he doesn’t want that to change. The best outcome at the minute is that universal credit can see that because we are separate I need to support half of the house outgoings and need a bit of support because of my wage until our son is at secondary school and possibly can be left alone for periods of time etc. Thank you for all the advice.
So he is well enough to be left alone from aged 12 but at aged 10 his behaviour is too extreme for any childcare provider? Sounds like you just don't want to work full time to be honest
chilliplant634 · 10/12/2021 07:45

@weddingdilemmma

Imagine for a minute, an new post being started by a woman:

"Married for years, 2 kids, then my DH suddenly realised he was gay. Complete bolt from the blue but he'd been having an EA with a male friend. He is now in a sexual relationship with the other man, has told me our marriage is over but is refusing to move out as he can't afford to leave. He wants me to move out instead as if I do that he will be financially better off. All this has happened in the last 6 months and both mine and my DC's world has been turned upside down but I'm being accused of being selfish for not being more understanding and he can't believe I'm not over it already. What should I do?"

Exactly! Everybody here would be piling on with the empathy telling her to not move out and get her ducks her in a row.
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 10/12/2021 10:29

I have a horrible feeling I will also be called selfish for this too but would it be terrible for me to try and make it work with my husband again?
It’s not because of the practical stuff / living arrangements but because I do love him and I love my children so much that I don’t think I can go through this for myself.
It isn’t even like all of this has actually made me happy - what I’ve lost through it and the pain I’ve caused has actually zapped any happiness anyway.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/12/2021 10:36

@WorriedWilma123 could you even actually do it? Do you want to?

You said the last time he got upset because he felt like you weren't 'there' mentally when you were intimate and that you were thinking about your partner.

Could you give him the relationship and life he wants and deserves?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/12/2021 12:13

@WorriedWilma123

I have a horrible feeling I will also be called selfish for this too but would it be terrible for me to try and make it work with my husband again? It’s not because of the practical stuff / living arrangements but because I do love him and I love my children so much that I don’t think I can go through this for myself. It isn’t even like all of this has actually made me happy - what I’ve lost through it and the pain I’ve caused has actually zapped any happiness anyway.
Do you find him genuinely attractive? Sexually I mean?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/12/2021 12:15

And do you mean try again with him monogamously or seeing your now girlfriend too, with his 'blessing'? Because it's clear that even if he still gives that blessing, it would tear him up inside and destroy your relationship with him so I don't think you could realistically have any contact with her again.

starray · 10/12/2021 12:25

Umm...why did you let him decide? Why didn't you just break it off with her immediately? It wasn't fair to let him have the burden of you offloading your feelings for someone else on him, and then expecting him to be able to handle it.

chilliplant634 · 10/12/2021 12:35

Worried Wilma are you attracted to him? Were you ever attracted to him from the beginning? Did you enjoy sex with him in the beginning?

Could you be bisexual? Only you know the answers to this and can decide.

Before you met your new friend were you attracted to your husband? What was intimacy like?

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 10/12/2021 12:59

Of course I don’t mean whilst still seeing her or even talking to her.
I know that would destroy him.
I don’t know if I could say I am sexually attracted to him right now, it’s been so long since we were together in that way it feels a bit alien.
There’s nothing unattractive.
Sex with him was always fine - quite sterile as in once it was over it was rolling over to sleep, there was a lack of closeness on both parts BUT I could say this about all 7 men I’ve slept with in comparison to sleeping with her so I don’t know if this is just how sex is with men now or whether actually it was me all along not really wanting too close a connection with men as it felt uncomfortable in some way.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 10/12/2021 13:08

I don’t know if I could say I am sexually attracted to him right now, it’s been so long since we were together in that way it feels a bit alien.

Don't put him through this. Don't lead him on. You either fancy him or you don't.

Mama234567 · 10/12/2021 14:32

If you won the lottery tommorow would you be trying to make it work with him again?

Its not your fault that you're gay, and its not your husbands fault that his life has been blown apart. But you will both need to figure it out for the children and make changes to both your lives and schedules, if he really doesn't feel like he has to do this maybe ask if he will go to therapy with you?