Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

I don’t want to lead him on at all.
As I said before, the biggest reason I haven’t just said through all this upset let’s just get back together and hope all is ok is the mere thought of not being able to keep it up or feeling like this again at any point in my life and causing a whole load of destruction and him saying that I knew what I was doing this time around yet still “ lied “ to him by pretending not to be gay.
Honestly if I won the lottery I would buy 2 houses next door to each other for myself and him to live in so the children could see both of us all the time and the damage would be less.

I'm sorry, but I really don't see this working. Do you think that
a) you are never going to be attracted to a woman again
OR
b) he isn't going to think that you are going to meet the woman in question when you go out?
I can see you back in 6 months or a year's time saying exactly the same as you have up to now.

You know he will know your taking it because you feel have no other choice.

Also even if he left the house it doesn’t mean you would get to stay. The tenancy would be terminated to remove his name and a new one made in only your name so the landlord could refuse for you to be the lone tenant still.

If you wouldn't be with him if you won the lottery then no, don't put everyone through that facade.

The landlord here accepts DSS and would let me have the tenancy - I did contact her to ask when he got very angry once and said he was leaving to go back to his hometown to live near his family.
Either way that isn’t what should happen and I see that much clearer since this thread.
I do think he would of course doubt me but I would never be lying or meeting anyone behind his back so I’m time would think it could be ok trust wise.
I was honest all the way through with this so I don’t think he doesn’t trust me actually - just hates what’s happened.
I can’t say I would never be attracted to another woman but I have seen the damage and not sure I can live like it or expect him or our children too - I am worried I have actually been far more selfish than I realised.

You’ve likely been caught up in the new lust of this new person. Gay straight or bisexual it’s a new person with new feelings and very exciting.

You could be realising the grass isn’t greener and that your bisexual not gay or you could be kidding yourself into being bisexual or straight for an easy life.

I’d talk it out with a councillor before you make any big big changes like trying to fix the marriage or possibly moving out if your wobbling.

Maybe a hiatus on the gf too while you clear your mind professionally since this has been going on for over a year.

I had so much counselling in the beginning and didn’t find it helpful at all.
I kept saying I think I love two people and she said it wasn’t possible to be “ in love “ with two people and felt I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t gay so I could stay married and not upset him or the children .
I just don’t know anymore - I feel very lost and sad.
I’m very grateful to all that have replied even the posters who have said things I didn’t want to hear.

What @Itsalmostanaccessory said.

Every single word.

You have devastated your husband. You now need to do what's fair for him and for the children, not what will make you feel less guilty. You'll have to live with your guilt.

What about if I could make it work though?
Surely that would be better for him and the children?

You say there was no cheating. But there was - you experienced a romantic and emotional attacebt to someone else. The fact that this was a lesbian attraction doesn't make it any different from having a romantic and emotional involvement with the postman.

The gay element makes it harder, not easier, for your husband, and it will make it hard for your children. Effectively your marriage to your husband was based on a lie, and you brought children into this relationship based on a lie. Your children will find this hard to deal with, in time. They will wonder if they were truly loved and wanted or if they were part of an image you wanted to broadcast to the community and to your family.

Your husband could have chosen someone else all those years ago if you had told him the truth about your teenage attraction to your best friend. He is looking at the ruins of his life and yes, he has feelings about that, and he is entitled to those feelings.

There isn't much support out there for men whose wives come out and leave their marriages.

@WorriedWilma123

I had so much counselling in the beginning and didn’t find it helpful at all. I kept saying I think I love two people and she said it wasn’t possible to be “ in love “ with two people and felt I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t gay so I could stay married and not upset him or the children . I just don’t know anymore - I feel very lost and sad. I’m very grateful to all that have replied even the posters who have said things I didn’t want to hear.

She's right though, isn't she? You're not still in love with your husband.

Don't you think he deserves someone who'll love him with everything they've got, who he can love in return without wondering what's going on in their head or behind his back?

But attraction isn’t a choice.
Obviously I was attracted to her but that’s when we but ties to work on our marriages.
I don’t see how that constitutes cheating when there was no lead up - she honestly told me how she felt and it was like a thunderbolt hit me when I realised I felt the same - more so when we were no contact actually.
So I evaluated my own marriage which at that point I had always deemed as very good - I can’t pretend there were faults when there weren’t but I found I couldn’t say that I wasn’t gay through the counselling.
For what it’s worth the children have both said at calm points where we’ve had discussions that they’re happy this is a woman as wouldn’t want another man to be involved with their lives in any way aw they already have a dad.
For my son it’s the family unit being split that’s upsetting not the fact I’m gay.
I’ve always been very open with the children and made sure that’s a non issue.

My children were and remain very much wanted.
I feel like not realising I’m gay until I’m nearly 40 is the biggest crime in the world.

Sparkle boots
Please don’t say that.
Even in my terrible position I know my children need their mum and so do yours

So were mine.
I never ever thought I was gay during the whole marriage or I wouldn’t have brought children into it - please don’t be upset by a stranger on the internet.

Do you love your new partner op? Could you imagine growing old together living with them etc? Or do you just see yourself with her as a completely private thing as in just you two basically meeting for dinners and sex?

You need to work out your own mind. You might find it’s not your husband or her that’s right for you but she was an escape from boredom or a dead marriage anything.

I feel like spare them all the shame and embarrassment. Easier for everyone if I’m just not here.

Horst
It’s certainly not been sex and dinners.
Our meets have usually been me crying about how terrible I feel.
I do love her, the emotional connection is something I’ve never ever felt before.
But I also love him; I love everything we’ve made together and built together and he’s solid and secure and what I know.
I could see me growing old with either of them and I think I lose whichever way I go actually - I just tried to do the “ right “ thing and be honest with him but actually I think I wanted someone to make the decision for me because I didn’t and still don’t know my own mind.

My children weren’t and aren’t ‘part of an image’ anymore than anyone else’s are where their long term relationship didn’t work out.
God. Part of why I didn’t realise I was gay sooner was the desire to have children. I think if I’d not wanted them if would have happened before.

But attraction isn’t a choice.

Well, quite. And you aren't attracted to your husband. So the relationship isn't salvageable.

I just don’t know what I’m meant to do really it’s all such a shit show now.

Sounds like you have found someone you Love

Now let your husband find someone he loves and someone who loves him back ...don't punish him anymore

Sort out child contact amicably that is the least you can do

I don’t think I can cope with the destruction I’ve caused.
I think I need to do the right thing by the children who I brought into this world and make it work with him:

The right thing for the children is to have two parents who love them and have a healthy coparenting relationship rather than a toxic one in which neither side is genuinely content, secure and happy.

Yes, this will be difficult to achieve but it's perfectly possible with hard work from both of you.

You cannot have exactly the same set up as before you split up. It simply won't work. So you need to work out what can change and what can't.

You will need to compromise. I don't think you addressed people's earlier suggestion that you find a room in a house share in the short term in order to get everyone used to not living under the same roof but maintaining consistency for now of the kids living in the home still and you doing the wraparound care. This will of course be tough but as I said, it is absolutely not sustainable for you to live together considering what's happened.

Your focus needs to be on coparenting successfully, not on attempting to paper the cracks for the sake of the existing family unit's set up. Lots of couples split up. Lots of couples have to, after the split, have tricky living arrangements and cut back in order for both parents to have safe places to live and have access to the kids. But people do make it work. They may not have the same amount of disposable income as before, or have the number of hours with the kids they'd like but it's real life. The fact that you meeting a woman, rather than another man, was the catalyst for this change doesn't affect what needs to be done next.

Cut contact with the woman, focus on the kids, on coparenting healthily and on not further damaging the dynamic between you and their dad. If you try to make it work, when you aren't in love with him or sexually attracted to him, the relationship will end anyway, just with even more bad feeling and resentment.

It's shit, yes. It's going to be a shit time in the short term. But that's life, that's reality.

You can do it, lots of people break up and the world keeps turning. I know that sounds trite but it's true. This isn't the end of the world. It isn't the end of you being a family - you always will be, as you share your children. You just won't be a family where both parents live together or are a couple.