Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

I agree with the pp regarding your husbands response. People are very quick to man-bash on here! If this was a woman talking about her husband leaving her for someone else, the responses would be completely different!
I don’t think you should stay for the sake of the children op - you’d just be unhappy and that’s worse for them than you moving out. Could you move in with your new partner? What’s her living situation?

Okay, this is why I was hesitant about posting for advice.
There was no cheating.
None - at all.
She told me she was falling in love with me - she was married as was I and I told her in no uncertain terms to try and save her marriage.
She too has children although older than mine.
She couldn’t do that so he moved out and they are now divorced.
I told my husband every single thing that I was thinking and feeling and in the end it was his constant anger and upset about it all and going from telling me to see her whenever I wanted as long as he didn’t find out about it to trying to track my every move and sending millions of messages if he thought it was her I was with.
The fairest thing to do was to let him go because I could see he couldn’t handle it all.
The poster who seems to think it’s all so easy financially, there are NO assets.
We rent a house that his wages cover and my tiny bit of money goes towards bills and extra bits for the kids.
I am not entitled to any benefits living together because they take the whole income into account.
I am not leaving my children just like I don’t expect him to BUT I cannot leave here to get another property, even 1 bed flats I can’t afford on my teeny income and my income will be this low for at least another 3/4 years due to my sons needs.
I can’t just get a higher paid job - if I could I would have.

I should add :
Partners living situation is exactly the same.
3 bed Rented house with 2 children so no rooms spare.
I also don’t think that would be fair on any of the children involved who have had their lives disrupted by this in one way or another.
Where it was different for her is that her husband did leave and got himself another house nearby so UC just took over the rent etc for her as she is also on a low paid job.
Mine won’t leave so that option isn’t there.

What you're describing is an emotional affair. You did cheat. It helps no one to lie about it.

Your husband reacted in the same way that thousands of women on this site have reacted. That's what happens when you tell your spouse you have feeling for someone else.

Lots of people live on a low income and have assets. That's life. I'm a single mum to 2 kids. I know how it is. But you cant stay married to a man who loves you and clearly hopes you can reconcile. You need to move out.

Really and truthfully what did you think he would say? Did you think he might be distraught? How did you think life would be after you told him?
BTW I understand that you can't help discovering that you are gay, but neither can your husband help how he feels. If the situation was the other way round what would you do, realistically?

I'm losing all sympathy to be honest.
"In the end it was his anger". Really?

No. It was you telling him you were gay and in love with someone else. That's what ended your marriage. Not him being hurt and angry about it.

You can claim UC whilst still living with your ex. You just need to show that you've separated your finances and are splitting up. So you can claim for financial support and then make the move.

The fairest thing to do was to let him go because I could see he couldn’t handle it all.

That’s a bit rich don’t you think?

There is a complete difference between an affair and realising you are gay. I think you're getting a very hard time, OP. This isn't the 1950s. Gay people don't have to stay in marriages. Everyone deserves to feel happy and fulfilled. It sounds like you have been honest and respectful of your husband. I imagine he is feeling lost, hurt and angry, but that will pass.

OP I really feel for you and your family, what a tough situation.

I am not entitled to any benefits living together because they take the whole income into account.
I am not leaving my children just like I don’t expect him to BUT I cannot leave here to get another property, even 1 bed flats I can’t afford on my teeny income and my income will be this low for at least another 3/4 years due to my sons needs.
I can’t just get a higher paid job - if I could I would have.

I can't see that you have much choice? You can't keep living in this environment for the next 4 years, it's not sustainable, and if the aim is to separate from your husband then you will need to change your job in order to support yourself and your kids.

You need to talk to your husband about how you can move forward. It sounds like he won't want you to leave though so this will be difficult and you may have to make a plan for yourself as if there will be no input from him at first.

Do you have anyone you could stay with for a while locally? You could still see your children in the family home but at least it gives you somewhere else to retreat to when it gets difficult with your DH.

I told my husband every single thing that I was thinking and feeling and in the end it was his constant anger and upset about it all and going from telling me to see her whenever I wanted as long as he didn’t find out about it to trying to track my every move and sending millions of messages if he thought it was her I was with.

Why would you do this to him though? It seems remarkably cruel to give your husband a blow-by-blow account of your feelings for someone else and then expect what exactly? The fairest thing to do would have been to have left in the beginning not after you made a shit show of it all. I cannot imagine having to sit and listen to my husband giving me all the info on someone he is developing feelings for, I'm not his bestie, I'm his wife. I would consider what you did to him emotional abuse, toying with him like that, it's so incredibly cruel and self centred.

Everyone deserves to feel happy and fulfilled.

People always say something along these lines but it's all about putting their own needs above their kid/s needs. People want to be reassured that it's okay to leave their marriage because they find their marriage a bit boring, they've had a sexual awakening, etc. but people never like to examine too closely whether it's in the best interest of the children. Because often it isn't.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

There is a complete difference between an affair and realising you are gay. I think you're getting a very hard time, OP. This isn't the 1950s. Gay people don't have to stay in marriages. Everyone deserves to feel happy and fulfilled. It sounds like you have been honest and respectful of your husband. I imagine he is feeling lost, hurt and angry, but that will pass.

The only way that this wouldn't be an affair would be if you don't consider gay relationships to be relationships. Cheating with someone of the same sex is still cheating. You don't get a free pass because you are gay. You do what everyone else does, leave the relationship you are in before you pursue someone else. You certainly don't sit around like a teenager discussing how your feelings for someone else in-depth with your husband like the OP has done.

OP's situatuon is completely different. no it isn’t. You don’t get a free pass just because you decide it’s another woman you want to shag instead of another man.

If the OP was leaving after starting an affair with a man where “it just clicked,” she would be ripped apart on here. If a woman posted that her DH said he’d met someone else and things “just clicked,” she would be told that he should be the one to leave the house and apply for eOW contact.

Being gay doesn’t change that.

Yes, if the OP has now realised she doesn’t love her DH and wants to leave because she feels differently then that’s perfectly understandable. But it’s not ok to say that she should get a free pass because it’s another woman she’s had an affair with rather than another man.

I didn’t see Philip Schofield getting an awful lot of sympathy on here, and I can’t imagine a man in the same situation would either.

He’s not being emotionally abusive. His wife has told him she’s leaving him for someone else, he has every right to be angry about that.

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

Everyone deserves to feel happy and fulfilled.

People always say something along these lines but it's all about putting their own needs above their kid/s needs. People want to be reassured that it's okay to leave their marriage because they find their marriage a bit boring, they've had a sexual awakening, etc. but people never like to examine too closely whether it's in the best interest of the children. Because often it isn't.

It's not good for children to grow up in a house where adults dismiss their own wellbeing for the sake of others. Where adults live unhappy and unfulfilled lives.

There was no cheating.
None - at all.
She told me she was falling in love with me

People don't just randomly tell other people that they are in love with them. She obviously knew that there was something between you, whether you had begun a physical relationship or not. You were having an emotional affair. You cheated.

I am really rolling my eyes hard at the abuse accusations from PP. Of course he is angry, upset, emotional. He's coming to terms not only with the end of his marriage but must also be wondering whether the whole thing was a lie and whether he has been used for years by someone who was trying to be something they weren't to appease family's expectations. I have a family member who's husband came out and left her for another man so I know the absolute turmoil this causes. She also struggled to come to terms with it. She went through the whole range of reactions, pleading with him to just live together and pretend, being angry, being sad. Nobody told her she was an emotional abuser FGS.

I don't know what the answer is, OP. Clearly you can't continue to live together if you and OW are now in a relationship. I can understand your husband's devastation, fear and sense of injustice at losing so much time with his children but unfortunately that's the reality of a relationship breakdown. There's no reason why he needs to be relegated to just EOW though. The best thing would be if you and your husband could sit down and have a talk about finances and thrash something out. Failing that, I think you probably need some legal advice.

Sounds like cheating to me. I feel sorry for your husband and son.

I was similar to you in being married with young kids and discovering I was gay 5 years ago.

I think many posters don’t really understand what the process of finally being released from a lifetime of comp het is.

But my situation is different because there wasn’t anyone else, I was the higher earner, and he left. I dated for about 2 years before finding my partner. We have my kids full time and they love her so much.

So are you know in a relationship with this woman? I think this is a relationship that was started under difficult and high stress circumstances and the reality is that it’s unlikely to survive. After you actually separate, become independent etc you learn so much about yourself. I’d focus on creating a future where you can be independent of your husband, and also— find out who you are as a gay woman without a partner. It’ll take a few years, but it’s the stabler, healthier route.

I don’t respect anyone who can’t / won’t suck up their heartbreak while in the presence of their children, so as not to upset them.

@Itsalmostanaccessory he's emotionally blackmailing her to stay living together until the kids are older.

I understand his anger and his pain and his upset and his fears but that's still not ok.

OP the only way you can stay living together is if you fake it. The only way he'll stop being angry is if you carry on your marriage as it was before and do as he said - carry on with who you want but don't tell him.
You said the guilt killed you but it's the only way to keep your kids and him happy with you all living under the same roof.

Personally I think it would be cruel to allow him to remain in your marriage.

Has he suggested keeping the kids and you leaving? Sorry if I've missed that.
I know you said the kids need you but just wondering what options there are, even if you don't want to go for them.

@girlmom21

He doesn't get to emotionally abuse you either, though.

Have you spoken to the council about getting housing from them?

Oh for goodness sake - here we go!

You didn't choose to discover your sexuality at this point op, you didn't make this happen deliberately. I really feel for you. It must have been such a shock to find out this was how it was for you.

Of course you can not simply ignore it, you have been very honest with your husband about your feelings. He is entitled to be hurt, angry and heartbroken of course, but you have been straight with him.

I do think you both need to sit down and work out how this is going to work, if your son's issues mean you can not work then your dh needs to effectively pay for you to stay at home with him, or take on 50/50 care. This is not going to be easy for any of you - but living a lie and giving your child a childhood of arguments is not a solution to stay together.

Can you move in with family? Friends? Rent a tiny place for you and your son. The finances need to be worked through, and then move out and become the person that you are. You do not need to feel shame or guilt, but you have a responsibility to tread gently with your son, make this as quick and painless as possible and understand how hard this must be for all concerned.

You are allowed to be who you are without judgment or shame.

Your poor DH. Itsalmost is right. You caused this, not him. Of course he's angry and upset. Take some responsibility.

No matter what, your kids will feel the disruption. So please, please don't use that as an excuse to minimise his access. He's as much of a parent as you are. Take a look at CAB or similar to find out about options for housing.

@Mom2K

I don't understand this at all - I don't see how realizing that you are gay really has any relevance.

Did you love your husband? Were you ok with the intimate side of your relationship up until discovering you were attracted to this woman you met? If you were otherwise content in your relationship prior to finding that you're attracted to another person (whether that be a man or a woman) then you've cheated and it's selfish and I have zero sympathy for you.

If you were having problems in your relationship that you had attempted to resolve and didn't work out (or you had the realization without involving another person that you aren't attracted to him) then yeah go your separate ways and then yes it would be the right thing to end the relationship.

But your post reads like you didn't realize this, and everything was fine until you met someone else and that's really crappy OP.

But it's done now and I don't think it would be healthy for any of you to try and live together while not actually being together. Best to just sort out all the logistics and get a routine going and your DC will adapt. Ds will find it hard at first but with love and support from both his parents it will hopefully all turn out ok for your DC

Exactly this (the first part). Anyone who would cheat on their partners/spouses with someone of the opposite sex would be vilified. So why is it somehow noble when you do it with the same sex?

To me this sounds no less dickish than for example "I didn't realise I'm attracted to redheads until I met one and cheated on my wife, now I'm leaving the wife and kids to explore my redhead lust."

@girlmom21

Nothing the OP has said indicates that he is emotion abusive. He is going through the end of his marriage after his spouse was unfaithful. He is behaving the way women on here have behaved in their thousands after being cheated on. No one called them abusers.

The services of women's aid are needed by womhe actually fleeing all different forms of domestic abuse. The OP is not being abused and telling her to call women's aid because it may be a quick route to housing is out of line. There services have more demand than they can meet. They dont need a woman who cheated on her husband calling them up because he is heartbroken and has cried to her about breaking up their family. That's a totally normal response to what she has done.

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert