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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

456 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 14:25

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 11/12/2021 01:28

I just don’t think this is right
I think I have been so selfish

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 01:30

@WorriedWilma123

I just don’t think this is right I think I have been so selfish
Have you read through my post?

I think you need to focus on the practical stuff in the short term because wallowing / self putting isn't doing anyone any favours.

Are you willing to consider a house share in the short term, as a practical and fair solution - short term?

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 11/12/2021 01:30

I can’t and won’t leave my children.
I would be with him in a heartbeat again and let my heart break losing her before that happens.
I love my children more than her.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 11/12/2021 01:32

More than my husband or her.
More than anyone:
Their hearts would break watching me go and live in a room whilst they stayed at home with their dad:
My daughter would want me 100% and my son would never cope and feel he had chose his dad over me.
I think I need to make it work.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 01:35

I don't know what to say in that case OP.

You want everything to stay the same but your husband to know you aren't genuinely happy with him.

So your children will be forced to live in a toxic environment witnessing resentment on both sides and at very best, constant and low level tension.

It's so damaging for kids to grow up seeing parents in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. They don't realise relationships can and should include genuinely joy, affection, laughter, total teamwork, being each other's favourite adult etc. So their benchmark for relationships will be based on yours.

I personally think leaving them that legacy is more damaging long term than having parents who are separated but coparent successfully as a team.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 11/12/2021 01:38

The problem is that we had all of that until i met her and realised I was attracted to women.
The relationship wasn’t flawed, this realisation made it flawed but now I don’t know if it needed to.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 01:39

I'm not sure anyone can say anything to help OP. I would strongly suggest some solo counselling ASAP to unravel how you're feeling and come up with a plan of action.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 11/12/2021 01:44

Thankyou I’m very confused so I will do that

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 01:47

www.counselling-directory.org.uk

www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Both handy places to start. I think you need to do it soon to stop yourself spiralling. Your children need you to be well, you would be doing it for them as much as for you.

Cameleongirl · 11/12/2021 01:58

@WorriedWilma123

More than my husband or her. More than anyone: Their hearts would break watching me go and live in a room whilst they stayed at home with their dad: My daughter would want me 100% and my son would never cope and feel he had chose his dad over me. I think I need to make it work.
As long as you continue to show them love and spend time with them, they will adjust. Please move forward with a proper separation and divorce, the current situation sounds intolerable.
MaHBroon · 11/12/2021 03:30

@WorriedWilma123

I just don’t think this is right I think I have been so selfish
Honestly op, your thread has become really self indulgent and I think that walking away from it now and playing your situation out in real life would be far better for all of you than what’s going on here.
mathanxiety · 11/12/2021 04:05

You can't make this work without the fully willing co-operation of your husband, @WorriedWilma123.

He is a living, sentient human being. You can't turn his feelings on and off to suit your goals.

hotsouple · 11/12/2021 04:22

OP, you are human and lovable and this does not define your worth whichever choice you make. This thread has been really harsh on you but things will work out and be ok. You are not evil. Please don't engage here anymore. The responses in this thread have become unproductive and sensationalist and the bashing is getting out of hand. Your counselor sounds like she wasn't the best fit and maybe see another one. Its not uncommon to realize you are a lesbian later in life. I know of multiple couples this has happened to and years on from it they are friendly. My grandma was cheated on and left by her gay spouse in a much more upsetting and hurtful manner after years of infidelity and even those two still are great friends. Please go hug your kids and remind yourself that you are loved and important and can move forward in life (whatever that looks like) always even if things feel bleak now.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 11/12/2021 07:35

Hotsouple
I’m not going to pretend your message hasn’t made me cry - I do try very hard to be a good mum and I love them so much.
Thank you for taking the time to write that.
I’m going to get some further counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 11/12/2021 10:44

P

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 12/12/2021 11:38

Still so confused

OP posts:
Somebodylikeyew · 12/12/2021 11:40

I think you’re hoping for a magic answer, OP.
One everyone is happy with. And i just don’t think that exists, I’m sorry.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 12/12/2021 12:27

I know I am
I just keep thinking of the damage I’m causing my children.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 12:54

With respect OP, you're wallowing and self pitying which isn't doing your children any good at all. If you're worried about the damage to them then you need to take action and put some next steps in place, not continue to feel sorry for yourself.

Counselling - have you booked the further solo sessions yet?

Accommodation - have you looked at house shares yet to see what the cost would be to temporarily have a room somewhere while you all get used to the fact the relationship is over?

The other woman - have you cut contact with her?

Those three things would be good places to start, where are you at with each of them?

girlmom21 · 12/12/2021 17:12

@WorriedWilma123

Still so confused
Have you dumped your partner yet?
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 12/12/2021 22:00

We are taking some time apart yes.
I’m not sure why dumping her when she’s done nothing wrong in this is the first port of call though.
Obviously it will end completely if I can give the marriage a go anyway.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/12/2021 22:07

@WorriedWilma123

We are taking some time apart yes. I’m not sure why dumping her when she’s done nothing wrong in this is the first port of call though. Obviously it will end completely if I can give the marriage a go anyway.
That's why dumping her is the first port of call,

You can't possibly honestly reconsider your marriage, and definitely can't expect your husband to do so, while she's still in your life in any shape or form.

If you want to try again it needs a completely clean state or you can't be 100% committed to him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 22:18

@WorriedWilma123

We are taking some time apart yes. I’m not sure why dumping her when she’s done nothing wrong in this is the first port of call though. Obviously it will end completely if I can give the marriage a go anyway.
So you'll only dump her if you know your husband and you are making a go of things?

Your children having a stable transition period in which both parents are focused on coparenting and not dating new people (or the person they had an emotional affair with / their head turned by) isn't reason enough to cut contact with her?

I thought you said that their wellbeing was paramount?

If so, cut contact with her and break it off so that you can properly focus on transitioning to coparenting and splitting with your husband amicably.

Anything else is having your cake and eating it too. And very selfish.

Imagine if a bloke said he wanted to leave his wife for another woman, but didn't want to leave the family home and was considering reuniting with his wife despite not being sexually attracted to her, but didn't want to break it off with the other woman in case the marriage didn't work out after all. Would you think he was doing the right thing for the children living in that home? Really? Come on OP. This is madness.

LittleMysSister · 13/12/2021 11:07

OP, I don't think at this point you trying to make it work with your husband will do any good - your relationship can never be the same, you know you will never be happy and he will never believe you love him or want to be with him truly.

I know you are thinking of your children, but they can be parented just as well by both of you if you are separated. There is no way you can hide the reality from them - your relationship with your husband will be so strained if you try to force it to this extent. It may have worked if it was just you pretending, but not both of you.

Your children would initially be upset, of course, but after time and reassurance that both parents still love them and will always be around to support them, they will adjust as every other child of separated parents does. They just need to know they aren't losing either of you.

I honestly think that having separated parents is far less traumatic than eventually finding out that your mother is gay, told your dad and then decided to keep pretending and lying to you anyway?

I think that you know what's really for the best, but the practicalities are making it feel impossible. But that doesn't mean you should give up trying to find a way to make it happen.

ShatteredDream · 13/12/2021 13:00

OP, do you find yourself attracted to other women or just this one in particular? If she didn’t exists would you want to be in your marriage?

If your actually gay there is no way you can try and repair things, it will destroy you and him in the end.

Honestly things can get better, your children will adjust and you can all be happier, I’ve been there and done it.