Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

What happens if one of you meets someone new?
How would that work?
Does DS know you're separated?
Does DH want you to carry on living as a married couple?
Do your families know?

So unfortunately me meeting someone new was how I realised I was gay.
She was also married however is now divorced.
I told him way before I even went out for coffee with her as anything more than friends - at that point he wanted us to stay together and said to do what I wanted outside the marriage but he didn’t want to know.
This however didn’t last long as I couldn’t live like that out of guilt for him so took a long time on my own to see if i could make the marriage work but I wasn’t able to.
Yes our son knows and gets very upset about it and is very angry at me for upsetting his dad and breaking up his home.
We were a very happy family so I do understand why my son can’t understand why this has happened.
I feel dreadful about it all.

His family do - mine don’t as I’m not particularly close to them and only see them once a year at Christmas.

Hi Op. my dad left when I was 12 - my mum was devastated and I missed my dad - but you know what, you can be amazing parents and not suffer silently together - I promise you that being miserable is a poor lesson for your son. He is 10, he doesn't get to see the bigger picture - and having two unhappy parents - or even one very unhappy mum living al ie - is also not good for him.

The main lesson I always think about from my own childhood experience is that parents should be honest and they need to live the life they have to live - the thing that makes children unhappy is lies and an atmosphere of misery - believe me, I've been there with parents trying to paper over cracks or desperately trying to save an unhappy relationship

I wouldn’t have massive sympathy for a man who’d fallen for another woman and decided to break up the family to be with her. You’re putting your romantic needs over your child’s needs. But it’s happening and you need to make sure it’s done in such a way that causes minimal stress to your child. Easier said than done I’m sure.

I don't think your partner is being kind here. He doesn't get to demand that you stay - he doesn't get to demand you continue to be in a fake relationship with him. Hurt as he is, the two of you can co parent, live near each other and have honest good relationships with your son.

Don't feel dreadful - you can't help who you are.

It can't be easy for anyone but your husband pretending it isn't happening won't help.

I don't see how you can live as a family until he accepts your co-parenting and no longer a married couple.

He needs to come to terms with the marriage being over.

Are you in a relationship with the other woman?

He can’t make you stay but you’re the one who wants out so why would he be the one leaving or having less time with his son?

You want to focus on dating someone else, he hasn’t done anything wrong. His life should stay as much the same as before. You leave, see your son EOW and date who you like.

@AnneLovesGilbert

He can’t make you stay but you’re the one who wants out so why would he be the one leaving or having less time with his son?

You want to focus on dating someone else, he hasn’t done anything wrong. His life should stay as much the same as before. You leave, see your son EOW and date who you like.

Why does her leaving the marriage means she gets EOW?

She should get 50/50, surely?

Leaving your marriage doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your children.

I agree with the poster who said they wouldn’t be sympathetic to a man leaving his wife to be with another woman and I swear I have never even looked at another man in the 16 years I’ve been with my husband.
I have never felt the need to in any way.
And then I met this woman and something just clicked - it was bizzare but maybe I always knew on some level as I remember thinking I was in love with my best friend at secondary school for a long long time - nothing came of that as I never said anything but I’m from a controlling religious background and it just didn’t seem like an option.

I can’t be without my son. He’s got ADHD and needs stability. I’ve had that thrown at me throughout, that I should never have done this - but I don’t feel I did it; it was a realisation not an active choice.
I work in a job to fit around the school runs, holidays etc - my husband couldn’t provide that and just because he’s only a few years away from secondary school I think his level of care / being dropped at school and so on will be still high so I need to be around.
We also have a daughter aged 12 who seems to be much more accepting but she’s a very logical child and is much closer to me than her dad anyway just because she enjoys the same things as me etc.

I can’t financially afford to leave.
We rent this house and his wages are why we got it - I can’t find a landlord to even look at me and believe me I’ve tried when things have been really horrible here.
But then he says how could I break the home up ( regardless of us being together or not ) and then I think I can’t do it to the children, mainly DS and I agree with the poster who says he shouldn’t leave - it was my doing and I would never expect him to leave/

He doesn't get to emotionally abuse you either, though.

Have you spoken to the council about getting housing from them?

The council say we are housed so unless fleeing abuse which I’m not they can’t assist.
If I leave I would be leaving my children too so I can’t do that.

@WorriedWilma123 you're leaving emotional abuse if you leave now.

My friend had a three storey house and she had a bedroom on the top floor, her child the middle and her ex hubby the bottom floor so they could co-parent. is that an option?

Emotional abuse is still abuse and just as destructive as any other form of abuse, so yes you could be rehomed under section 7 with your children. You need to call womens aid. What he's doing now you want to leave is manipulating and emotionally abusing you, he sounds coercive as well. Your son doesn't want his dad to be upset, that's understandable but your husband shouldn't be putting his emotional baggage on his kids either!

I'm going through similar (I left earlier this year due to DA and had to leave my DC with ExP as they refused to come with me and were old enough to make that choice) and my DC has a few times demanded things of me because dad was upset that I wasn't complying. I won't lie, it's fucking hard saying no to your kid, even when you know hand on heart that it's in their best interests.

This will be a long road and it certainly won't be easy but exposing your son to this isn't healthy either. Essentially what your teaching him is that his dad's feelings matter more than your sexual preferences, who you are and your own happiness and that if he kicks up enough of a fuss, he'll get what he wants, even if it's harmful to the other person. That is not a healthy lesson to teach or a good example to set for your son OR your daughter.

Do you have anyone you can stay with temporarily?

Oh, FFS. He isnt abusive. She isnt feeling abuse.

This is a person who has found out that his spouse had an emotional affair and then left him to be with that person. Anyone who has been married and had children and then gets cheated on, lashes out and gets upset. He isnt abusive. The OP hid/lied about/ignored her sexuality, married a man, had children and then left him for someone else. He will be going through heartbreak and confusion and is losing the family he thought they built together. Life is going to look very different from here in out and that takes time to accept. He is allowed to grieve the loss of the life he thought he would have.

Women post on here all the time about their husband's affairs and they derail their reaction; shouting, begging, guit tripping. They get support and told that he deserves to hear how hurt she is etc. But a man doing it to a woman who cheated is called abusive. This sit can be disgusting sometimes.

OP, you had an emotional affair and now you've left your husband. You cant make that sound nice. You're hiding behind the romance of coming out and meeting this woman and things just clicking but it doesnt change what you did. An emotional affair, then leaving your husband for someone else. He is hurt. You're going to have to deal with that. It will pass.

You cannot carry on living with him just because his finances support you. You'll have to manage just like everyone else. You leave, you figure out your own housing problem and you come to an agreement about childcare. He is an involved and loving father and he isnt choosing to leave so please dont even think about taking the kids and only allowing limited access because you think they need you more or whatever. Even time. Do your absolute best to put their needs first and make sure they get even time with you both as much as possible.

He wants you to stay because he probably hopes for reconciliation. You know that you dont want that. Staying is cruel and will prevent him from healing and moving on. He deserves to meet someone else and be happy, just like you have.

You need to divorce. You need to leave the home and find somewhere else and sort out contact with the kids.

You've found the awakening love. That's great. But you dont get to have that and maintain your marriage and keep his financial support (child maintenance is different of course). You need to go out alone now and do the best you both can for your kids.

Just to add to that, you'll get half the marital assets in the divorce so you wont be unable to house yourself. You arent stuck. But you do need to have the finances conversation with him sooner rather than later.

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

I wouldn’t have massive sympathy for a man who’d fallen for another woman and decided to break up the family to be with her. You’re putting your romantic needs over your child’s needs. But it’s happening and you need to make sure it’s done in such a way that causes minimal stress to your child. Easier said than done I’m sure.

OP's situatuon is completely different.I assume you are straight.Do you have any idea,how it feels to live a lie in regards to your sexuality.OP,please dont feel guilty,you have done the right thing to come out to your DH.it often just takes time for everybody to accept the new situation.your son might not understand fully now,but when he is older(and who knows,he might even be gay too),he will respect you for your honesty.I wish you all the very best in your new relationship and hope your DH will also come to terms with the change.

I don't understand this at all - I don't see how realizing that you are gay really has any relevance.

Did you love your husband? Were you ok with the intimate side of your relationship up until discovering you were attracted to this woman you met? If you were otherwise content in your relationship prior to finding that you're attracted to another person (whether that be a man or a woman) then you've cheated and it's selfish and I have zero sympathy for you.

If you were having problems in your relationship that you had attempted to resolve and didn't work out (or you had the realization without involving another person that you aren't attracted to him) then yeah go your separate ways and then yes it would be the right thing to end the relationship.

But your post reads like you didn't realize this, and everything was fine until you met someone else and that's really crappy OP.

But it's done now and I don't think it would be healthy for any of you to try and live together while not actually being together. Best to just sort out all the logistics and get a routine going and your DC will adapt. Ds will find it hard at first but with love and support from both his parents it will hopefully all turn out ok for your DC

I did this over a decade ago. I have 2 children, both were young at the time. I was like you, I didn't have a plan and the situation crept up on me and then became completely undeniable.
I didn't handle it well at all.

I could have left for various reasons, I should have left due to the coercive nature of our sex life. I didn't, and to this day I look back and wonder why I put up with that.

However when I did leave, I had such huge guilt. My own family were absolutely horrible throughout. They tried to make things so much worse, as did the in-laws. I am gay, although as a young person, where I grew up, it wasn't really a thing to be gay - that meant so many derogatory things and it just see it as a possibility to live that life. I pushed it to the back of my mind and had I not had to endure the relentless nature of my ex husbands sex drive, I would have stayed. I always intended to.

I didn't refer to any of the coercive issues when I ended the relationship and I took full blame and responsibility for the breakup. The reason I did that was that although things were pretty crap, I didn't want to hurt him any more than I needed to and I didn't want him to feel worse than he already did. My logic at the time, I'm not saying I would do the same now. I said it was all me and it was time to go. I took nothing from the house, I rented a house and went from part time working to full time.
We shared the kids 50/50.
I met my partner shortly after leaving. We've been together for 13 years and my kids are fine, they love my partner and we're all happy.
My ex husband has stayed in the house, he has a new partner and he has always done everything he can to make life as difficult as possible for me. As have his family. For them, making my life harder makes them feel better. It's not possible for them to do this so much now, the kids are grown and I don't need to see any of them any more. My ex mother in law stayed in her marriage, despite it being desperately unhappy. I know this because she told me this many many times. But in the end her vows "meant everything to her", even at the expense of a happy life.
Anyway, I didn't handle the whole thing very well. But in the end, my life is now what it should be. I'm with someone who I can be with for the rest of my life and my kids are happy, and grown and living great lives themselves. You have to do what's right for you and it's not great if you are hurting someone , but life isn't perfect and we all make mistakes. I just want to wish you all the very best of luck and I hope you fine the happiness we all deserve.
I was judged by so many people and lost friends. That was hard. In a smallish town, it was relentless for a long time. In the end though, I have everything and everyone I need. Life is good.
OP, my point is, you can do it. I know financially it's hard but I went from nothing to supporting myself, eventually getting back on the property ladder and now earning good money.

Could you and your new partner not get a place together and work out custody with your husband. Tbh I disagree that he's abusing you, it seems to be a reasonable reaction of someone who has just had the rug pulled from under him. You say that you've just realised you are gay yet loved a female friend at school. This suggests that you were aware that you were attracted to women and not men, yet you chose to get married to your husband. He must be thinking your whole marriage has been a lie.

I think Itsalmostanaccessory's post is excellent in cutting to the chase and HolidaysAreHolidays's will help you move forward.

You have cheated so I'm not surprised uiur DH is struggling, but you also need to be true to yourself. I'd leave, get things sorted on a practical level and the explore this new life (as you don't say if you're still with this new woman?)

I think this is a very tricky situation. You are gay. It is what it is. It makes no sense to stay in a marriage if you aren’t attracted to your husband. That way is how nobody in life is able to live an authentic life. Your kids need to see authenticity and for it to be handled kindly and maturely. Lots of relationships split up. You do nobody any favours by being a martyr. Your husband will surely be happier meeting someone else who isn’t gay! If he’s with you then that can’t happen so it’s lots of lives ruined.