Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

@luinagreine the OP says she didn't have an affair, just realised she was gay. Realising this and developing feelings doesn't make this an emotional affair. How else was the OP supposed to discover this?

You should have stopped seeing her when she told you she had feelings for you. Or when you started to suspect you had feelings for her. But you didn't. You gave yourself permission to embark on an emotional affair with her, and not only that, informed your dh of every detail along the way. If my dh had done this to me, with either a man or a woman, I would be devastated.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

The other woman told the OP she was in love with her. That doesnt just happen. That happens after spending time together, discussing the change in their relationship, discussing their feelings. The OP then merrily went home and told her husband all she was experiencing with this woman and expecting him to just think it was all lovely and fine. He was hurt and angry and she says that's why the marriage ended. Nothing to do with her and this woman and the details she was telling her husband. It was just because he was hurt and angry that she was falling in love with someone else and told him.

If you're married and someone tells you they love you and you tell your spouse, the conversation goes, "oh no, X says they're in love with me. I think I need to cut contact there." And your spouse would usually say, "yes please, continuing to be around this person wont be good." And then you stop seeing the person.
The OP told her husband she was gay and also falling for this woman... what exactly did she expect to happen after that? And she continued seeing the woman and going out with her etc. That is an affair. Men have been digitally eviscerated in here for less.

Regardless of if you are gay or heterosexual. Your husband is only asking for you to stay for the sake of the child. Whether you and your husband can make it work this way is the point. However, for what you said the damaged has already leaked to your child. Now is a matter of agreeing the future of your kid whether you stay living there or not.

Many parents divorce and they can still be good parents. For me I would rather stay as two houses and all that is unsettling but people do it all the time. All the best with what you decide.

Guilt doesn't seem to be the issue- how you practically move on does.

You won't leave your DC, and you can't leave your DC, but you want to have a relationship with someone else? I agree with everything @Itsalmostanaccessory has said.

Your (ex?) DH wants you to cohabit, and you don't seem to have any other option. You feel guilt and he feels pain. The best thing you can do is help your DS understand the situation and encourage your DH to move on with his life after grieving for the life he had lost.

It rounds to me like he's actually being quite reasonable suggesting you cohabit at the moment. Most women would have flung a spouses things into the front garden and changes the locks.

I will reply fully in a minute but just to comment on the last comment on here.
You say most women would have thrown a man out but surely that’s because the woman provides all the day to day care for the children if she’s able to do that?
If he had done that to be able to get the kids to school and be off all the holidays etc he would have no money we wouldn’t be able to work. He isn’t a high enough earner to just pop them in clubs or hire a CM.

@Itsalmostanaccessory You make complete sense, I just don't agree with you. I don't believe that coming to the realisation you are gay is the same as an emotional affair. The OP made a discovery about herself that she had to embrace in order to be happy.

The same thing happened to a close friend of mine so maybe I am seeing things through her perspective. She thought she had met a new friend and they became incredible close quickly. They then realised their feelings ran very deep and it was like a light turned on inside her. She wasn't married but had a partner. They split and she is in a relationship with the woman, and now knows she has always been gay, but it took her 37 years to discover it.

I think its more a case of, statistically, the husband is more likely to stay with his wife when an affair is discovered or in some cases nit discovered. Those men that actually take the leap to leave there wives and children (if they have then) are genuinely in love with the OW. A lot of cheating husbands do it with no intention of ever leaving

Apologies that went on the wrong post!

You’re getting such a hard time on here because people clearly don’t understand what a life of denial and forcing yourself to live a heterosexual life that deep down you don’t want (but are terrified to acknowledge) does to a person. I’ve lived through it (fortunately realised before getting to the point of marriage or kids). This cannot be compared to meeting another man or “preferring red heads” as it is a totally different situation with OP being gay, and people trying to equate the two to bash the OP clearly don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.

It’s absolutely possible to be so far in denial that you convince yourself you’re in love and attracted to a man when you’re 100% gay, this is not OP’s fault and is the result of being raised and living in a homophobic heteronormative society and often family/community, it is internalised homophobia to the highest level. So can people stop comparing it to finding another man more attractive because it’s ignorant and comparing someone’s sexuality to a preference of hair colour is actually offensive.

You don't get to the point of one person telling another that they are in love with them, without that person believing there is a good chance it will be reciprocated. That implies a level of flirting or emotional connection that goes way beyond what is acceptable for a married or committed person.

[quote HumousWhereTheHeartIs]@Itsalmostanaccessory You make complete sense, I just don't agree with you. I don't believe that coming to the realisation you are gay is the same as an emotional affair. The OP made a discovery about herself that she had to embrace in order to be happy.

The same thing happened to a close friend of mine so maybe I am seeing things through her perspective. She thought she had met a new friend and they became incredible close quickly. They then realised their feelings ran very deep and it was like a light turned on inside her. She wasn't married but had a partner. They split and she is in a relationship with the woman, and now knows she has always been gay, but it took her 37 years to discover it.[/quote]
This sounds like a similar situation to the catalyst to me acknowledging I was gay. I had, still have a friend, who awakened these feelings. There was no affair, but the lines between a female friendship and something more could definitely have been blurred. I didn't have feelings for her but it opened my mind to my feelings for women. There was no stopping what was going to happen to me at that point.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

It sounds like your friend realised and then ended her relationship. Still an emotional affair but she came out of it with dignity and she was honest and I'm sure accepted her part in it.

The OP embraced it, but then thought it appreciate to go home and tell her husband all the details and expected him to stay happy and loving. She says she had no emotional affair. She did. She says the marriage ended because of her husband's anger that she is gay. Not because she gay and met a woman she wanted to have a relationship with. I'm not sure if she wanted to do that on the side of the marriage or not do it at all and just enjoy the fantasies while telling her husband about them but either way, she wanted to have this relationship, talk to her husband all about it and have everyone stay happy.

I'm sure your friend admits that her relationship ended because she was gay. The OP doesnt even take the responsibility for that. She insists that her marriage ended because her husband was upset and angry when she told him she was gay.

Everything is everyone else's fault. I dont tend to side with people who portray themselves as the sweet, innocent victim.

people clearly don’t understand what a life of denial and forcing yourself to live a heterosexual life that deep down you don’t want (but are terrified to acknowledge) does to a person. I’ve lived through it (fortunately realised before getting to the point of marriage or kids)

I'm sure it's very, very difficult. I also think that some posters do not understand what it feels like to be married to someone who subsequently, after years of marriage and children, discovers that they are gay. Some of us have experience of that side of the coin - either personally or because it has affected close family members - and it is uniquely damaging in its own way.

@girlmom21

He doesn't get to emotionally abuse you either, though.

Have you spoken to the council about getting housing from them?

How is he abusive?

Jesus, this place.

I am not gay, but a friend of mine announced to me after a few wines, we were sharing a place in London together for a few years that she was totally and utterly in love with me. I had no idea, none at all.
I thought we were just great friends. It is possible of course it is, especially between two women because we can have very close and special relationships that are entirely platonic.

The point is that op did not act on those feelings, but she did not cut off her friends either, because she was coming to terms with her own feelings.

I am sorry you are getting such a hard time on here, I don't know why as your situation is really really difficult and not one caused by you. It could happen to anyone. I hope you find real happiness and love in the future.

** Oh, FFS. He isnt abusive. She isnt feeling abuse.

This is a person who has found out that his spouse had an emotional affair and then left him to be with that person.**

^This. The double standards in this post is shocking. Women are never at fault are they

It's girlmom21 posting, she will perform all sorts of mental acrobats to find the man at fault no matter what the scenario.

I don’t think anyone is saying her husband should just get over it and doesn’t have a right to be devastated, it’s an awful situation and I feel for both of them, but continually bashing OP for not acknowledging her sexuality sooner and comparing her sexuality to a preference of hair colour or meeting another man she finds a bit more attractive is unfair and offensive. If you’re gay and you cannot be happy being married to or in a relationship with the opposite sex, it is not the same as finding your friend a bit fitter than your husband or realising you have a thing for blondes.

@DillonPanthersTexas

It's girlmom21 posting, she will perform all sorts of mental acrobats to find the man at fault no matter what the scenario.

That's an absolutely bonkers suggestion considering I'm normally accused of being one of the cool wives but ok

Please can I just reiterate there was no affair.
Honestly.
There would be no point denying this fact if there was one to a bunch of strangers on the internet.
She was a friend hence why it got to the point she told me but there was NO flirting, she was married and straight and that was the end of it.
I was also married and straight and had no sexual or romantic feelings towards women aside from feeling deep feelings for my best friend when I was a teenager but even then I wouldn’t describe them as sexual, just deeper than other friends but we drifted apart and I then dated men and thought no more of it.
I also didn’t keep going home to tell him how I was feeling - he constantly badgered me for answers after I first admitted I was confused so I felt I did the right thing and had no contact with her for a good 6 months in order to see if I could get my marriage back on track and the same for her.
But I couldn’t and when I contacted her again it became apparent neither could she hence her husband moving out and filing for divorce.
There has been no lies, no sneaking around.
I tried to do what he asked and deal with that side of myself alone as to not distrupt anything here but the upset and anger did become so much so that I had to think whether he could live like that going forward and I realised the answer was no.
I felt I wasn’t being selfish by letting him go because I do love him but I’m not attracted to him in the same way as women and looking back now as we haven’t been intimate for so long, I can’t remember how I ever would have been.
He couldn’t look after the kids full time practically and whilst he’s a great dad it has actually been me at every parents evening / homework / sons assessment and plans etc - he does the fun stuff on the weekend and I’ve done the boring stuff.
As I said my daughter has taken this better but doesn’t want to leave her dog if we moved out - regardless I cannot move out as nowhere will take me.
I wouldn’t take his children away by saying any of this was abuse as I completely understand why he’s reacting in this way but I am completely tied financially and don’t know how to navigate like this so the guilt is very difficult as I am seeing it and feeling it every single day.

I have a family member that was in this situation. Married with two kids and she realised that she was gay. It was difficult of course and I'm sure she broke his heart but they ended up becoming best friends and amazing parents to their kids with coparenting. It might feel like it but it's not the end of the world. Your son deserves happy parents and ultimately you need the room to be yourself and your husband deserves someone that loves him completely.

Pretty sure there was a thread on here from a thoroughly depressed woman a couple of weeks ago who was staying in her marriage even though she was gay, and everyone was telling her to be true to herself and leave her marriage. Why's everyone changing their tune in this thread?

Cool wives are usually the doormats girlmom willing to put up with anything to look uniquely unflustered and not bothered, too cool for school even when your dh is busy shagging the babysitter, he is just finding his inner spirituality of whatever.
So your cheerleading of men (if that is what you do) is entirely conducive with your claim to be a 'cool wife' and the fact you labelled yourself as that says literally everything about your outlook....to be fair at least you are owning it.