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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

456 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 14:25

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

OP posts:

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 18:34

Op I honestly think you have acted with integrity and honesty. This is not something you can sweep under the carpet, you have done what you can given the situation.

If you are on such a low wage then you would be entitled to a council house with your children? You can of course consider whether you can stay living side by side by separate lives but how is that ever going to work in the longer term?
You need to start working and finding a full time job to support yourself, so you can live independently. You can't just give up on the prospect, but find some solutions, or you will always be trapped where you are and very unhappy.

Dh needs to help with the childcare to support your search for work. Hard choices need to be made, but you can not carry on as you are.

loislovesstewie · 07/12/2021 18:46

Re the whole she can get a council house comment. If it's a joint tenancy then they are both entitled to live in the property, so there would be little priority for housing.

Blossom64265 · 07/12/2021 18:56

Emotional affairs are affairs. I had one. In some ways, the fallout can be worse than a physical affair.

He isn’t wrong to want to stay with his children. The circumstances here and the sense of deception and betrayal are understandably going to make him less likely to bend over backwards to help you financially. He really only owes support to the children. There is a solution in there somewhere. Maybe you could do the birds nest thing where you keep one home for the kids and a second spot for the parent who isn’t parenting that week?

Original poster

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 19:12

We are joint tenants so not entitled to housing help unless I’m homeless - which I’m not.
The difficulty is that although I do work, I have to work term time to accommodate my son as his needs are high.
I couldn’t just use a childminder or leave him at home when he turns 11/12/13 whilst I work like other friends of mine can so I’m going to be stuck in a low paid job for some time yet.
There really is no solution aside from him leaving which is won’t do until the kids are quite a bit older.
I caused this; I know that but I don’t know what the alternative was once I knew how I felt apart from living a lie and to lie to him about how I felt forever more.

OP posts:

twilightermummy · 07/12/2021 19:17

I agree with Itsalmostanaccessory

smoko · 07/12/2021 19:26

Can’t you just crash at your new GF’s place? Or is she still living with her ex?

luinagreine · 07/12/2021 19:27

There really is no solution aside from him leaving which is won’t do until the kids are quite a bit older.

Is there really no other solution or just no other solution that works for you? Have you suggested your husband gets a low paying job and looks after the kids in the holidays? He may be entitled to benefits to top up his income, will have maintence from you, won't have to leave his children and they will still have a stable home? That could work as a short term measure until your son is old enough to be alone in the holidays? It would only be for a few years as you say, then he could resume his career or maybe his current employer would be understanding of his changing needs and allow him to work around the children?

I can't see why this wouldn't work just as well as the other way around?

Original poster

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 19:34

She doesn’t live with her ex but has two children so no spare rooms.
I don’t think it would be fair on them to have me in there and not fair on mine to see me living with someone else and their children and not them.
He won’t leave his job - he doesn’t want to be the full time parent, he wants me to remain in this job for at least 3 years to be around for our son but he wants us to be back together as well - there isn’t any middle ground.

OP posts:

Almostmenopausal · 07/12/2021 19:35

smoko · 07/12/2021 19:52

Move into shared accomodation, find a flatmate.

You sound like you want to have your cake & eat it. You want to leave your husband but you won’t actually you know, leave yourself

notgoodatnetball · 07/12/2021 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Teenylittlefella · 07/12/2021 19:55

Well if there's really no other solution, you will have to put up with it! How about you and your 12 year old dd share a room so DH can have his own, or he and your 10 year old share?

I am slightly skeptical that an 11/12/13 year old with ADHD has such high needs that you cannot possibly arrange any kind of childcare or any degree of independence. I have 2 disabled kids and have an arrangement with my work that I leave at 2:45 to collect my physically disabled daughter from half way home (she walks as far as she is able, to gain the independence and the experience of walking) and then once we are home I complete my hours working from home. There are a lot of roles more flexible with WFH some of the time since covid.

There are lots of SEN holiday clubs etc. as well. I work longer hours in term time to add to my holidays and top it up with SEN clubs or SEN friendly clubs for my autistic son. If he is so severely disabled that even at 13 he wouldn't be leavable at home at all you would definitely qualify, and could probably also claim pip and carers allowance.

Oblomov21 · 07/12/2021 19:57

When dye you know you were gay? Did you always suspect/ know. Why did you get married?

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 07/12/2021 20:00

Speaking for myself, it was also quite difficult to imagine I could ever be happy in a same-sex relationship back then, when pretty much the only lesbians I’d heard of were Clare Balding and Aileen Wuernos. Also, I thought you had to wear fleece and Birkenstocks and be good at netball

Bizarre.

Oblomov21 · 07/12/2021 20:00

"Please can I just reiterate there was no affair.
Honestly."

Yes there was. An emotional one, that developed, and you told your Dh about it at every step. Then she told you she was in love with you.

That IS an affair.

rumred · 07/12/2021 20:01

@notgoodatnetball lovely post.
Take heed @WorriedWilma123, best advice here

CharlotteRose90 · 07/12/2021 20:02

Wow you really are something. You’ve had an emotional affair, quite happily told your partner all the details and now you are planning on kicking him out of the family home so he won’t see his children everyday. You are the one that has met someone else so you need to leave. Presumably the children are school age So you get a better job and both of you like adults sort out the arrangements. You don’t get to decide now that you stay because you have the kids etc, you aren’t a couple now so you need to leave not him.

CamQ · 07/12/2021 20:03

Selfish and self-absorbed.

Oblomov21 · 07/12/2021 20:06

You refer to her as your partner. You've emotionally checked out. I have no sympathy.

Original poster

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 20:07

I do have a job that fits around taking and picking up my son from school and being around in every holiday because his job does not accommodate it.
I’m guessing he won’t be able to be left alone in a few years as he’s so impulsive but right now he is only 10 so it’s hard to gauge.
I’m not saying he should leave, I understand he wants to be around his children every evening - I just don’t know how to live like it as living with someone who loves me one day and hates me the next is quite difficult for me to live with but maybe as so many of you are saying; it’s my doing.

OP posts:

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 20:10

I am not sure some of these posts are actually helping.

Your dh can't have it both ways op. He either pays for you to stay at home and care for the children, and he lives elsewhere, or he gives up his job and cares for them and you can work.

Why is he calling the shots? You can't stay in a loveless marriage in a part time job to suit him, nor can you get just 'get back together' that horse has well and truly bolted. You can not leave your children, it would break their hearts and compound an already awful situation.

Something needs to give. Either dh reduces his hours and allows you to work and he can live in a room nearby? Or he pays you to stay at home with your high needs son. Either way you need to be able to both come to some kind of arrangement that works, and allows you both the chance of a happy loving relationship. It can not have been much fun for him in a sexless marriage!

Teenylittlefella · 07/12/2021 20:12

Nesting?
Rent a bedsit nearby and you and husband take it in turns to live there or in the family home? A week about? You can still do school run and wait for him to get home from work then head off when it's his week at home?

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 20:12

He may meet someone else too, and that needs to be factored in.

loislovesstewie · 07/12/2021 20:14

It wasn't a big deal for us about 40 years ago to find out that some people were gay. Obviously I attended a really right on, left wing university, and that made a difference, but really we are talking about the 21st century not Victoriana ! The issue isn't that she has found out she is gay but rather that she seems to not understand that her husband is bound to be distraught. He is losing the person he married and who he loves after all.

Original poster

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 20:15

Teeny
That would be ideal but we have no spare money at the end of the month

OP posts:

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