Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

Where is the line though with acting accordingly?
He says it’s unreasonable to have a relationship with someone else even though we are now not together because he is looking after the children if I am not here?
So really there was no point in being honest, I may as well have just never told him how I was feeling and stayed unhappy and confused as no good has come from being honest apart from upset all round.

You've always known you were gay but have dragged someone else into your mess and broken their heart.

That’s just not true for many, many women. Realising you’re gay later in life is rather common in lesbian circles.

I’ve been there too op, married with children and being blindsided by the realisation. It’s awful at the time but things get better, lots of similarities between our stories. I’m 8 years on now, my children adore my partner, and ex husband and I are amicable, we’ve both moved on and are happier for it.

OP - your journey of self-discovery is important to you but not to your children.
And at this point you can’t have it all. Or, at least not in the way you’d like.

If money weren’t an issue - you could have set up two houses and go your separate ways. But at this point, you can’t.
So you need to work on that and figure out what to do in the interim.

It’s unfair to expect your H to move out; continue to support you and kids staying in the marital home; and give up on seeing the kids.

So you and H need to find some sort of compromise for the short term. And I hope you prioritise your kids.

Personally - I think sexuality is a not a binary concept. You liked a woman. Then you liked and dated men; and then fell in love with a man. Then you fell in love with a woman. If this doesn’t work out - it may go either way. But it’s irrelevant for the immediate situation with your kids and you and your H being there to raise them

I would never expect him to move out BUT if he did as he could afford to rent another home whereas I can not; he wouldn’t be supporting us to stay here.
He would pay maintenance but I would pay the rent with my income and be entitled to a certain amount of help because of my job being low paid.
It wouldn’t be the situation where he moves out but continues to pay a mortgage etc for us to live here.
I guess when things are really horrible it doesn’t feel like this is best for the children so then I can’t understand why he insists on still living together when he has a choice to have another place nearby whereas I don’t have that choice so have to just deal with it.
And I get the people saying that’s my doing so that’s how it should be - but that doesn’t make it any easier.

@WorriedWilma123

Where is the line though with acting accordingly? He says it’s unreasonable to have a relationship with someone else even though we are now not together because he is looking after the children if I am not here? So really there was no point in being honest, I may as well have just never told him how I was feeling and stayed unhappy and confused as no good has come from being honest apart from upset all round.

It's kind of normal for a spouse to be unhappy that his ex is in a new relationship if the marriage breakdown wasnt mutual, and was due to infidelity.

You need to work through it. You need to have a cards on the table discussion. Go over the points. Marriage is over. Short term plan with what finances allow. Long term plan as finances change. Living together as co parents with allotted time of childcare, to allow you both to go out without having to explain yourselves. You'll need to make it clear to him that as separated co-parents, he will need to have set days/nights of sole care of the children, just like you will. And you can do what you like with your time. Once you're living separately, this is easier.

As I said upthread, you can apply for UC whilst still living together as long as you can show that you have separated and have separated your finances so you need to do all that too.

@WorriedWilma123

Where is the line though with acting accordingly? He says it’s unreasonable to have a relationship with someone else even though we are now not together because he is looking after the children if I am not here? So really there was no point in being honest, I may as well have just never told him how I was feeling and stayed unhappy and confused as no good has come from being honest apart from upset all round.

It's not unreasonable to want to separate at all. What I think is unreasonable is that you want your husband to action it all while your life stays the same. He moves out. He pays for you. He sees the kids less. He can't force you to stay with him but equally you can't force him out so if you want out, get out. That is the reality of separation, you don't get to keep your old life minus the husband.

I'm sorry - I feel very judgemental about this. When you have children, their happiness and stability is paramount. I've just never understood anyone who can give their genital urge higher priority than their own children's wellbeing. Nothing at all to do with being gay. Everything to do with breaking up a loving, stable family unit to pursue a more fulfilling love life. Fuck that.

I know loads of people do it and maybe a tiny percentage of them manage to do it without trashing their kids' trust and sense of self worth. But most don't. I really hope you manage to sort it out amicably with your ex husband because if the two of you can be nice to each other and respect each other, then your children are more likely to cope.

I understand that but I’m really not expecting him to see the kids less or pay for me.
I guess I had hoped he would have accepted it by now - this has been going on for over a year. But very little change - I’m sorry I’ve offended so many people in asking for advice here, I know this is my doing and I’m really so sorry for it.
Maybe in time it will be able to be more neutral but it’s hard going right now and I’m unwell with what seems to be long Covid so not feeling very strong hence starting this thread.
Thank you everyone for replying.

OP, if you really love your husband and presumably were attracted enough to marry him and have kids together, isn't it more accurate to say you are bisexual?

Hivemindneeded
It wasn’t a genital urge though - I realised I couldn’t be in a straight marriage anymore.
That was nothing to do with anything with her - nothing at all had even happened with her by that point actually.
I did consider waiting until the children were adults to tell him I was gay but thought he may be more upset and angry if he realised I had been pretending for years so thought I was being selfless in this respect.
I understand it doesn’t look like that though.

Littlepearl
At the time I was attracted to him but now I can’t imagine being intimate with the best looking man in the world - it all feels really alien to me now

I think what you wanted from this thread was people falling over themselves to tell you how brave you are and how terrible he is for not just being happy about it and letting you do as you please without complaint. Because you're ignoring any post with actual practical advice and only responding to plead your "oh, I feel so guilty and just want things to be good now" case.

You had an emotional affair, you left your husband. This isnt made wonderful just because you've come out as gay. For him, it is probably worse. You also totally muddied the waters by trying to stay with him whilst just telling him what you were feeling. That must have confused things so much and made him think there was a chance, when all the time you knew you were done with him.

It's time to stop the nonsense and have proper practical discussion about what you do and where you go from here. Sleeping arrangements, shared childcare arrangements, set childcare days, financial split for proof that you are separated etc.

You should feel bloody guilty. You married him, loved him, had children. Poor them quite frankly.

I really wasn’t on her for sympathy.
I was confused which is why i told him:
He was my best friend and we’ve always said honesty and no lies.
I didn’t have anyone to talk to.
I thought and really hoped it would pass in the time I had no contact with her - it didn’t.
To all those who think I’m a terrible mother now would it be better to stay together now and try and be happy around the children until they’re older do you think?
I have a distorted view of family life as although my parents are together; they’ve always been very unhappy and I haven’t been the daughter my mother wanted.

Being gay is nothing to do with this. You are having an affair.

These threads often have a lot of 'you're the worst person, live a horrible life of shame, hth' comments .
I really wouldn't use those kinds of comments for life advice.

It might be better to try and make contact with other lesbians who've been raised in conservative, religious households who have had to cope in similar situations.

You're trying to be honest and to consider everyone's feelings, and that's all anyone can do.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction completely agree with this. Some of these comments are just cruel.

OP - I can’t figure out why you still seem to be feeling entitled to having it all your way.
You don’t want to be with your H. Ok.
But why is it you think it’s fair that HE moves out to another place, while you stay.
He then sees the kids less.
And he pays you maintenance? I presume in addition to child support?
So - you want a new life and HE needs to sacrifice…

Why isn’t it a lot more fair that since YOU want to be with someone else - which is your right - but then YOU sacrifice?
You move in with your GF. You leave the kids and H in marital home. YOU come and do your bit of caring for the kids.
Or YOU stay and sort out ‘living together while separated’ arrangement.

It’s all good that you keep saying that you know you created this situation. But now you need to find a solution that doesn’t just prioritise YOUR needs.

Your marriage hasn’t worked out in the same way that many, many people’s marriages don’t work out. There will be lots of upset because you’ve met someone else. You being gay doesn’t change any of that.

She’s not having an affair, she has confirmed that several times.

Some of the comments here are awful, bordering on homophobia tbh ‘genital urges’ 🙄

OP, of course it would not be better to stay together for the children, it would be awful for all concerned. This is a difficult time for everyone but the sooner you make the break the better, if you’re gay and you seem sure that you are, then this relationship will never work no matter now much you both try.

Sadly you don't have the finances to support your new desired life and you can't really expect someone you have shat all over to give up this for you .

@Valhalla17

You should feel bloody guilty. You married him, loved him, had children. Poor them quite frankly.

She's done a Philip Schofield .

To all those who think I’m a terrible mother now would it be better to stay together now and try and be happy around the children until they’re older do you think?

How many people have said that you are a terrible mother? This is why you are coming across as self absorbed. Oh poor me, I'm so awful, I'm so terrible. You say this is going on a year and you are still stuck in this navel gazing mode instead of taking action. What have you done in that year to actively work towards leaving? You are just dragging the pain out for everyone including you. If you want out go. If you can't go now actively work towards getting to a point where you can. All of this moping has done nothing so far, why on earth would it change now. If you want things to change you have to change them.

I'll keep this brief. OP, I have had two very close female friends go through the same as you, in their mid-20s, so a couple of decades ago.

The difference is that in both cases they realised some years after leaving their otherwise lovely and devoted husbands and co-parenting their children that they were not, in fact, gay - they were bisexual.

One friend told me a few years back that whilst it just "clicked" that she was sexually attracted to women, she assumed at the time it meant she was gay. She now realises that she enjoyed sex with her ex-husband, and was sexually attracted to him it was just that "at the time, I felt more attracted to women, and I thought that meant I was gay". The other friend has said similar things for many years.

The point is this: you are sexually attracted to women, you have had the "clicking" moment. But ask yourself: did you enjoy sex with your husband? Did you find him sexy? Were you physically attracted to him?

If the answers to any of those questions are yes, then maybe, just maybe it isn't about you being gay, it's about you being bisexual and, if so, they maybe, just maybe, there might be a potential for you and your husband to come to a mutual understanding, the way of of my SILs has with her husband: they are mutually exclusive, but she can "play" with women (i.e. a semi-open relationship, but no threesomes).

I suspect, however, that too much water has passed under too many bridges for that to be an option.

I think you need to start separating some things out conceptually in order to be able to start, slowly, moving through this.

Firstly, accept this is going to take time, and energy. This is a very complex situation and it’s going to take time to untangle it.

Secondly, maybe realise that feeling guilty can be counter productive, even self indulgent. Use that energy instead to properly accept and revive the emotions of your ex and your children in this situation. Particularly their children. By this I mean simply rather than put your energy into feeling guilty, put your energy into helping them deal with it so you have less to feel guilty about.

You can’t help your sexuality. It would have been easier if you’d realised it earlier, but comp het is a thing. So you have done nothing wrong in being gay. You might want to seek some support in your coming out process, including understanding your current situation, from an LGBT organisation.

I think whether what happened was an emotional awakening or an emotional affair is a bit of a grey area and there could be a lot of back and forth about that. Some people will say you did nothing wrong, some people will say you did something wrong. Both are tenable positions.

But it’s also a red herring and frankly a waste of time to get bogged down in that. You don’t have the time or energy for that. Don’t get caught up in arguing about how many angels fit on the head of a pin or splitting emotional hairs over this. Trying to get to some kind of “objective truth” about the rights and wrongs in this situation isn’t going to help. Minimising practical damage and supporting others (especially children) in dealing with difficult emotions is going to help. You’re not looking for truth you’re looking for successful resolution. Remember that.

What matters is that your ex, and your children, did not do anything wrong. Thank why really didn’t. That is clear. It is understandable that they are hurt, angry, confused etc. it is understandable that their position is that you did something wrong (not round being gay, but whether or not their was an EA) and that their lives have been thrown into emotional and practical turmoil. You have to accept that as valid and you have to accept responsibility for helping them move through that.

Now it would also be useful to separate out the fact that your ex wants you to stay together for the sake of the children and you do not have the financial means to leave.

So you have to be absolutely clear, in a kind way, with him that you do not want to be a couple and there is no chance of that happening That you do want to be successful Co-parents and that you don’t want to take his children away. This may well take time to sink in. You may have to listen to a lot of pleading and hurt feelings. Help him with that emotional work

And that’s ok because you have time. You say it will be a few years before you can work more and be able to leave. So make a project plan based on leaving at that time.

This will involve things like :

1. House living arrangements now. You have no spare room, but do you have a living room? Can this become the place you sleep? Yes, that might mean you making up a bed on the sofa every night and having less space that’s just for you, but doing that is a better use of your energy than feeling guilty. These types of boundaries will need to be enforced civilly and firmly and with compassion for those whose lives have been disrupted, closing your own. Do not tolerate your ex doing petty things like staying up late in the living room so you can’t sleep. But accept he might cry about it.
2. Maximising your future employment prospects. This might mean networking, training, study. Lot at what timeframe you realistically have and use it well.
3. Support your son and daughter emotionally. This will include letting them be angry with you, either now or in the future. It doesn’t mean letting them be abusive toward you as a result of their anger. They are allowed to tell you that they are re angry with you or tell you how their lives have been effective. You cannot close that down. Frankie and Grace on Netflix has some good conversations round this. Also be aware that your daughter might just be better at hiding her emotions than your son, or that her emotional reaction may be delayed. Get them some emotional support if you can, perhaps some therapy if you can afford it- even if it means saving for a set block of sessions

In the future. There may also be charities that can help there- research that

1. Just accept this isn’t going to resolve quickly and slowly work through the tangles. Your ex might come to his senses at a certain point and realise this isn’t sustainable. Or it might settle into some kind of “works well enough for now” co-parenting situation. Your new partner’s housing situation may change, or both your attitudes to it might change.
2. You might be able to come up with some kind of different situation int he meantime. But let it arise rather than search for it frantically. For example a kind of nesting arrangement. So the kids stay in the family home and you and your ex take turns in staying there to provide care. He’d have a flat (would only need to be small), you could satay with partner. Not sure how that would work in relation to benefits though, but my point is a solution may emerge from the situation as you live through it.

This will be uncomfortable and you will have to tolerate and operate int hat discomfort and shoulder it. There will be a path out of this, but you will find it slowly, one step at a time rather than being able to see a clear road all at once . Take it one step at a time and focus on helping those disrupted by your life changes deal with the changes that will flow from that.