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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
Burnamer · 07/12/2021 09:23

What kind of company do you work for? Is there an HR department? Other roles you could move to?

manicmoo1 · 07/12/2021 09:23

Oh hun!! There's nothing wrong with you he's simply got what he wanted and now he's moved on, not nice but unfortunately this is what a lot of men are like nowadays x

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:26

@Burnamer I'm not sure I can say without outing myself but it's quite a professional environment and we could potentially get in trouble for this (him more so)

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2021 09:26

There’s nothing wrong with you
You were vulnerable and he wanted sex. I’m not saying he’s taken advantage of you but as your Manager he shouldn’t have done it, he should have been professional
I think you have to accept it was (hopefully) nice sex and figure out how to work with him now
And never do it again

CorrBlimeyGG · 07/12/2021 09:32

Please don't send him any more non work related messages. Your intention is good but it will not end well.

Stick to work communication only while you decide if you want to remain in this job.

GOODCAT · 07/12/2021 09:32

Look to move roles so you can keep your distance and be super professional. Otherwise it is just time that will help and directing your focus to other things. Try to make yourself as busy as possible and be as healthy as possible so get exercise, sleep and eat well.

All of this is unexciting but you need to do what is good for you.

BingoandBluey · 07/12/2021 09:34

I'd start looking for a new role, it shouldn't have to be that way but it would probably work out better for you personally and professionally.

Sunnysideup999 · 07/12/2021 09:34

Report him to HR.
He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:35

I could possibly go back to my previous employer who told me that their door is open for me if I ever wanted to return. It would mean a cut in pay though and I'm not sure I could manage financially

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:37

Should I get angry or just try my best to play it cool? Because at the moment im not sure how I feel.
I stupidly deleted the initial text messages. It doesn't matter though, I agreed to all of this

OP posts:
Cocogreen · 07/12/2021 09:44

Sadly he wanted a quick fling and you want more.
He doesn't want a relationship with you, I'm sorry.
Unless you can forget it happened and only deal with him as a co-worker from now on, you need to get another job.
Not judging you, many of us have made similar mistakes!

CagneyNYPD1 · 07/12/2021 09:45

Firstly, you are not stupid. You got close to someone you shouldn't have. You were vulnerable and he crossed boundaries that he really shouldn't have crossed.

The situation with him is finished. That is clear. From now on, only communicate with him about work. Nothing else. Not even a "Merry Christmas" text.

Will you have time off from work over Christmas? If so, hang on until then. Do nothing about your job for now. Then once the new year rolls around, start looking for a new job. If nothing takes your fancy, get in touch with your old employer.

The situation with your manager is horrible. Really horrible. But you have choices here. You can stay in the job and be ground die further. Or you can find another job and leave with your head held high. Move on I say.

CagneyNYPD1 · 07/12/2021 09:47

Oh and play it cool. Stone cold cool.

SwanShaped · 07/12/2021 09:50

You have to absolutely pretend you don’t care. Even if you do. If he’s prepping for an interview is he likely to be getting a new job soon

supermoonrising · 07/12/2021 09:51

Report him to HR.He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully

Pfff, she’s an adult who initiated a fling with a senior colleague she fancied. The ghosting isn’t nice, but adults of both sexes do it all the time.

Candleinthebreeze · 07/12/2021 09:55

You’re both adults, and did what many adults in offices up and down the country do on a daily basis, more so at this time of year especially.

It’s a no event, just hold your head high and carry on, don’t get him or you into trouble

DSGR · 07/12/2021 09:58

No don’t contact HR. You knew what you were doing.
OP you have been stupid but you just have to live with this and ride it out. You feel sad and vulnerable, he wanted sex and got what he wanted.
Act like you don’t care or look for another job. Don’t text him about anything not to do with work… ever again.
And don’t let him sleep with you again

CSJobseeker · 07/12/2021 10:03

He has behaved really badly, and tbh I would be looking for a new job. Luckily it's a very good time to find work at the moment.

I'm not sure what HR will be able to do though, given that you instigated the drinks. Yes, you were feeling down and vulnerable at the time, but a single man saying yes when a single woman invites him for a drink isn't something HR wouldn't normally get involved with (even if one of them is a manager). People meet, and sleep with, partners at work all the time - it's not automatically a HR matter.

Philly1234 · 07/12/2021 10:13

I’m not sure he simply used you. He invited you to stay at his house for a few days don’t forget. I think reality but after you left and he’s taken the emotionally immature ghosting way out.

That’s hurtful but it is an indicator of what he’s capable of.

If he’d reciprocated your message re wanting to take it somewhere you’d probably both have carried on.

Rather than take this personally (which I know isn’t easy at all) try to reframe this in a way that places the shame with him for not having the manners to speak you you’d out this in an adult way.

Philly1234 · 07/12/2021 10:14

*reality bit

CSJobseeker · 07/12/2021 10:15

Are you very young OP? This isn't meant badly, but you do sound naïve.

You ask if you should get angry or play it cool.... don't even consider getting angry in public, it will reflect badly on you, not him. Head high, ignore him, look for a new job - that's the way forward.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 10:18

I can't help but take it personally. If he was a random I really wouldn't be that bothered. But I hoped my manager would have the decency, I trusted him in a way.
I think it would be less awkward if he'd been honest rather than ghost

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 10:19

@CSJobseeker I'm 39. Yes i should know better.

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 07/12/2021 10:21

You should do what he has done: accept it was a mistake, forget about it and keep your professional life professional.

You and he had consensual sex. You are not his victim.

Idiot2021 · 07/12/2021 10:26

Maybe, just maybe, he’s not ghosting you but rather he realises he has now muddled the waters between his professional and personal life and he’s struggling to know what the best thing to do is.
I think if it was me, I would leave it alone and just carry on professionally and then maybe in the new year, after some time has passed, you could offer a chat to see how he’s feeling?
I could be very wrong, I do always seem to see the best in people! Good luck!

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