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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 11:26

@TooBigForMyBoots an explanation as to why he slept with me and dropped me, and what I should do now, any conversation about moving departments or leaving will have to go via him. But yes, I understand what you mean. There's nothing to say. He doesn't owe me anything. But he's 50 and should know better

OP posts:
ElectraBlue · 07/12/2021 11:28

The guy took advantage of you when he knew you were vulnerable (since he knew you were struggling with you mental health) which is pretty shitty.

It is bizarre though that as a manager he did not think about the consequences of ghosting someone he is working with...It is not like you are a one night stand that he will never have to see again.

Frankly this man is behaving like a complete idiot and I really feel for you.

You did not do anything wrong, you simply trusted the wrong person.

Fireflygal · 07/12/2021 11:28

Op, how long were you married for? I think the rejection has hit you harder as you were still in the period of grief over your marriage ending.

He hasn't behaved well but it's not an issue you can report to HR. For him it's a ONS and obviously meant more to you.

What support do you have around you? Any good friends you can lean on?

The best advice is to put this behind you, focus on yourself. Try to plan something that will help rebuild your self esteem. Just a small goal that you work towards. The only way to recover from your marriage and this is time. If the feelings are overwhelming, just sit with them and they will pass. Journal if it helps and rest as strong emotions are draining.

OwlInBatter · 07/12/2021 11:32

No don't contact him

How many more opportunities do you want to tide him to reject you?

I suspect you'll ignore this and message him but all you're doing is to longing the agony for yourself. His actions are what counts here and his actions are telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want your attentions. I'd listen to that

OwlInBatter · 07/12/2021 11:33

*give

skgnome · 07/12/2021 11:33

You’re both single grown adults that had consensual sex… you instigated the drinks…
After he panicked or whatever and is acting like a dick…
Just act cool around him, keep contact to a minimum, only professional and if possible with more people around, so there’s no temptation
If his “big interview” goes well, problem solved, not a nice thing, but you learned your lesson, he was obviously not that into you, at least not as much as you were
If you have to keep working with him, give it a month and if you still feel weird have a grownup chat with him, see if you can keep it professional going Fwd, or see if you can move departments, find a new job….

CSJobseeker · 07/12/2021 11:36

@whatdoidonow11

Should I contact him after his interview to see if I can get some sort of explanation, or just leave it now? I feel so confused and hurt, like there's something wrong with me. I honestly don't think I can just leave it. I'm not going to get angry, but just ask kindly - I don't really care about whether I should or shouldn't. I don't think I deserved this
No! Why on earth would you think this is a good idea?!
hivemindneeded · 07/12/2021 11:41

@whatdoidonow11

I could possibly go back to my previous employer who told me that their door is open for me if I ever wanted to return. It would mean a cut in pay though and I'm not sure I could manage financially
No no no. Don't do that. Youy don;t deserve a pay cut because a man takes advantage of yoru vulnerability and then ghosts you.

I'd give him one chance to be a grown up. Text him to say: clearly this isn't going anywhere and I'm fine with that but can we meet for a quick coffee to clear the air so we can get back to being professional in the workplace and not avoiding each other.

If he doesn't reply, just play it very cool while he's around and stick to messaging only when you strictly need to for work, but don't avoid contact in any way that would impact your work.

What you both did is natural and normal - not ideal but you don't need to angst over it. The French know how to handle this sort of thing - they seem to manage to turn it into a bond rather than a reason for shunning each other.

dogmandu · 07/12/2021 11:45

If you were to contact him this would be a massive turn off for him. It would bring you nothing, absolutely nothing. It's just not worth it and in time you would cringe at the thought that you had done it.
You are in a very vulnerable situation at the moment and you need to put him right out of your mind and concentrate on being kind to yourself. Do you have a good friend that you can talk to and who will 'hold your hand' through the next few weeks until you are feeling stronger?

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 11:47

@dogmandu I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I feel completely alone

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 11:48

I'm cringing now at the text I sent a couple of days ago wishing him luck for his interview.... 🙄

OP posts:
Jacaranda75 · 07/12/2021 11:50

@whatdoidonow11 you’re not alone, you have us. And I can guarantee it, some of us have been in a similar situation. Just brazen it out. You’ll laugh about it in years to come.

dogmandu · 07/12/2021 11:52

yes you do have us. I'm holding your hand (figuratively) and sending you strength.

Sarahlou63 · 07/12/2021 11:52

I don't understand how he ghosted you after one night of sex when you stayed for a few days at his house? Did you send the text after the first night or when you left his?

bluebell34567 · 07/12/2021 11:53

dont cringe. what happened, happened.

you wanted to take things further, he doesnt look at it that way.

put in experience box and move on. dont sleep with a boss in the future, as a matter of fact with any work collegues, you will put your job at risk.

BigHeartyTruffle · 07/12/2021 11:54

Regarding what to do in your job - apart from this situation, how do you feel about this job? Does it mean a lot to you, is it an important part of your overall career journey?

I think that should guide your decision about what to do next. Can you weather an awkward set of circumstances in order to stay in a role that is really important to you. Or is it just not worth the hassle?

Rather than letting him and his response determine whether you quit, think of it in the context of what you want and aspire to.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 11:55

@Sarahlou63 I sent a text in my way home saying I had a nice time which he respond to that evening, just telling me he was busy (not that he'd also had a nice time) I sent him a good morning text the next day and he didn't respond

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 07/12/2021 11:57

@whatdoidonow11

Should I contact him after his interview to see if I can get some sort of explanation, or just leave it now? I feel so confused and hurt, like there's something wrong with me. I honestly don't think I can just leave it. I'm not going to get angry, but just ask kindly - I don't really care about whether I should or shouldn't. I don't think I deserved this
You didn't deserve to get treated like this. You do deserve answers, explanations, apologies. But unfortunately you probably won't get them.

Your post reminds me of how I was with an ex. I tried so hard to be a great boyfriend but she dumped me and then told me she had cheated on me. I was really hurt and I kept asking her why she did it, but she couldn't (or didn't) give me any answers. I realised that trying to get answers from her was just prolonging the pain for me. I had to tell myself my own answers about why it happened, and move on, and find someone who would treat me better.

Obsidiansphere · 07/12/2021 12:00

He’s treated you appallingly, clearly taking advantage of your fragile mental state then casting you aside. He’s not a nice person and I wouldn’t blame you for getting angry at how he’s treated you.

TooBigForMyBoots · 07/12/2021 12:00

If it's any comfort OP, its Christmas party season, 1000s of other people will be experiencing your cringe.Grin And look on the bright side, you had a shagathon with someone you liked. I'd love an aul shagathon.GrinGrinGrin

Journeynotdestination · 07/12/2021 12:01

I would probably need closure too OP. That’s what you need. You can either put it to one side, accept you’ve been treated poorly and move on or call him out. My instinct says put it to one side - he’s proven himself to be a dickhead and shown what kind of a person he is. It’s his loss and his lack of respect and integrity - nothing to do with you!! If you call him out it may create more distress for you personally and professionally. Try to view him coolly, he’s a twat, he’s emotionally immature and honestly, pathetic. Stop romanticising him, he’s a knob.

FoxgloveSummers · 07/12/2021 12:01

Don't waste time wondering what's wrong with YOU. He's the one who has behaved badly (rather than foolishly) here, you might have been naive but you had genuinely good intentions towards a relationship with him, he's clearly just out for a shag. It's not your fault.

Unfortunately what you've learnt is that your new line manager has no boundaries, is a selfish prick and has not got your back. That's not good so I'd look to move within the organisation at least, so you're not working with him any more. You'll have been there a year before you move jobs even if you apply for one today, which isn't unheard of by any means. Look for good opportunities. Don't take on the shame he should feel.

Who knows, maybe one day you'll be his line manager and he'll be the one feeling very awkward.

Dery · 07/12/2021 12:03

“@whatdoidonow11, you and your manager are recently single and you both had a very enjoyable couple of days. But now it's back to real life, a bit awkward but you are both adults. Do not text him anything non work related, behave professionally and this will pass.”

This. You’ve done nothing wrong, OP, except to assume that a very enjoyable sexy weekend meant the start of something. It is very disappointing but you weren’t in a relationship. There was no commitment between you. You chose to have sex with him knowing you weren’t in a relationship and there was no commitment. That’s completely fine. I’ve done the same. But it doesn’t mean he owes you anything any more than it means you owe him anything. As is often said on here - silence is an answer. He doesn’t need to explain why he doesn’t want to take it further because he hadn’t made any commitments to you. There could be a whole host of compelling reasons or no good answer. As a PP said, it sounds like your reaction may be tangled up with your feelings about your marriage ending.

You’ve done nothing wrong, OP, but neither has he. Keep things professional and this will blow over.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/12/2021 12:03

I would take it that it was a fun fling while it lasted but that's all it was and was not going to 'go somewhere' so rather than ghost he's let you know he's not into taking it further and that a line's drawn where you can both go back to being professional at work. Indeed that was his starting point until you pursued it and then you both flirted and took it further. This doesn't mean he used you and ghosted you and I don't think it'll help your self esteem to cast yourself in that way. It's fine to have liked him, but also fine for it just to have been a nice thing for those few days but best to end it there as it's not love and would only get messier at work to keep up the clandestine contact. Don't feel bad about your text or like there's something wrong with you. You both got something out of it (I presume the sex/company was good as you stayed a few days) and there's nothing really to explain unless you actually want to hear that he isn't as into you as you were into him, which you already know and is no reflection on your qualities - just compatibility and circumstances. If you can find something/someone else (ideally yourself) to focus on going forward, that would be for the best.

FoxgloveSummers · 07/12/2021 12:03

Oh and men like this don't do honest answers! They'd have to say things that paint them in a bad light and that would never do. PLEASE I BEG YOU do not bare your soul to him and show you want answers. Be cool and never communicate with him about anything other than work ever again. The answers to your questions are implied in his behaviour.

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