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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 10:37

The last thing he said was that he's prepping for a big interview all week and would have to 'put me to one side' for a while. But general impression is that I've probably been ghosted. Especially since he didn't respond to my message the day after we slept together.
I did message him to wish him luck, which I perhaps shouldn't have, and he just replied that he's feeling very stressed, that was all.

I do feel anxious about going to work. I also liked him and feel stupid.

OP posts:
Hesheweeshe · 07/12/2021 10:37

Did you sleep with him because he was your manager or because you fancied him? I only ask because now hes rejected you you are saying as your manager you trusted him to behave better.

I feel for you honestly i do, its a shit situation and he's behaved like a complete nob which happens all the time unfortunately. But if the roles were reversed and after sleeping with him you decided you didn't want to pursue things further the fact hes your boss would bare no relevance.

There maybe a HR policy on interoffice relationships and if there is you may both of breached it or he, as your manager, may have but its better to learn from it and move on as best you can.

My old dad always you to say to be 'never dip you nib in the office ink'

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 07/12/2021 10:39

Leave the company with your tails between your legs. Don’t let it happen again. Don’t tell HR, don’t get him in trouble. It’s between the 2 of you, don’t drag anyone else into it.
Find a new job.

Hesheweeshe · 07/12/2021 10:39

Sorry that should have read
My old dad always used to say to me 'never dip your nib in the office ink'. He was very right

SmellyOldOwls · 07/12/2021 10:40

Why does OP have to find a new job?! She did nothing wrong. Sit your ground OP. Act like it never happened. He's a dickhead.

CSJobseeker · 07/12/2021 10:48

@SmellyOldOwls

Why does OP have to find a new job?! She did nothing wrong. Sit your ground OP. Act like it never happened. He's a dickhead.
He has been a dickhead, for sure, but would you want to work for a manager who you've slept with and then ignored you? I wouldn't.

The OP doesn't have to look for a new job, but it'd give her a clean start and a nicer environment than working under Mr Shagshisstaffthendropsthem.

OwlInBatter · 07/12/2021 10:49

Is he a dickhead? Or is he just doing what countless people up and down the country in workplaces do every day of the year?

You initiated this OP and it is what it is. You're not a victim and I'm puzzled why you expected more from him.

Just ignore him. Be polite and professional if your paths have to cross. Do not initiate any contact, no matter how relevant you think it is

It's time to claw some dignity back so no more chasing

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 07/12/2021 10:51

@CSJobseeker and @SmellyOldOwls, additionally, if the OP is even mentioning HR, not sure how to behave around him it tells me she doesn’t seem to have the mind frame to pretend nothing happened, and move on. Meaning that the chance of others finding out is rather precarious, based on OP’s behaviour alone.
She is upset and hurt by this. It’s not going to go away.
It’s best to walk away.
It was consensual.

SparklyGlasses · 07/12/2021 10:54

I'd just put it down to experience and hope that his "big interview' takes him away! Time will help, just try and get through the 2 days per week for now. I'd be polite, slightly icy and keep contact minimal, keep your head down and work hard. He is a dick for not being more upfront, it's OK for him to not want to pursue things but at least explain and apologise given that he is your manager. He should be more aware that it puts you in an awkward position - basically, he's not a good manager! It's also weird (on his part) that he invited you to stay for a few days at his house - it wasn't just a one night stand. He definitely owes you more explanation after that.

CSJobseeker · 07/12/2021 10:54

Is he a dickhead? Or is he just doing what countless people up and down the country in workplaces do every day of the year?

Sleeping with her - not a dickhead thing to do, adults sleep together all the time.
Ignoring her afterwards - dickhead thing to do. He's a grown man, and this is someone he manages at work. He should at least have the guts to have an honest conversation with her, so she knows what the position is.

It's not a HR matter, but he has been a dick IMO.

yourestandingonmyneck · 07/12/2021 11:04

Don't go to HR.

Just concentrate on yourself for now. Leave him to deal with his interview (which means he might be moving on soon), be professional with him and just focus on your job. You need to just contact him with things to do with your job, and he still needs to support you as your manager. All of this comes secondary to your career.

As regards the other side of it - is he a nice person? Or did he use you? None of us know, and you are feeling confused by it at the moment. So just stop contacting him for now, write it off as a one night stand, and if he does want to pursue things once he's no longer working with you, and it's still what you want, then take it from there.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 07/12/2021 11:05

It sounds like he used you, which is really nasty of him. I'm not sure what happens next. I guess there's not much you can do except be kind to yourself, allow yourself to heal, and over time think about whether you want to stay in the job. I just wanted to say that your thread sounds similar to another thread on here (it wasn't the person's manager, but a colleague at work who then ghosted them) so it might be helpful to read that thread too if you haven't seen it:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4410931-Literally-don-t-understand-what-I-ve-done-wrong

Sosoo · 07/12/2021 11:05

Personally I would just say front it out, ignore it/him and it will all blow over. I did this when younger with a guy who was more senior than me. He basically had sex with me (consensual) and then didn’t speak to me about it again, other than to say “it’s best we don’t do that again”. He never mentioned it again and neither did I. It was a shame at the time as it came from nowhere (too much drink on both sides) and the sex was great but it was just a ONS and that was the end of that. Sounds like he has played you to be honest and either got cold feet (is he definitely single?) or the chemistry wasn’t there. It may have been a better option to tell you but the hurt would have still been there. Just brush yourself down and get on with it, I’d say.

Jacaranda75 · 07/12/2021 11:07

OP, don’t be so hard on yourself. Accept it and move on. When you see him in the office, hold your head high and behave like it never happened.

Kelwar · 07/12/2021 11:10

You’ve done nothing wrong op.. he’s a pig!

TooBigForMyBoots · 07/12/2021 11:13

He hasn't ghosted her. He told her he would have to put her to one side and expected her to take the hint.

@whatdoidonow11, you and your manager are recently single and you both had a very enjoyable couple of days. But now it's back to real life, a bit awkward but you are both adults. Do not text him anything non work related, behave professionally and this will pass.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 11:14

Should I contact him after his interview to see if I can get some sort of explanation, or just leave it now? I feel so confused and hurt, like there's something wrong with me. I honestly don't think I can just leave it. I'm not going to get angry, but just ask kindly - I don't really care about whether I should or shouldn't. I don't think I deserved this

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 07/12/2021 11:15

All consensual, it looks like it was you who initiated it. You haven't dated, haven't discussed the intentions prior to sex so to be honest I don't think he is such a bastard for not expressing any desire to have relationship after sex.
However it is generally a very stupid thing to do to have such relations in the office space esp when in direct reporting line.
One for experience, don't overcomplicated it and try to behave professionally.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2021 11:18

You could ask for a transfer to another department citing personal reasons. It was mean of him to do this but it happens. I dont think I could work with somebody after this. But why should you move to a different company. I bet its not the first time he has done this.

oakleaffy · 07/12/2021 11:18

@Sunnysideup999

Report him to HR. He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully
Yes, I think the same {about him behaving badly}

@whatdoidonow11, a lot of men love the thrill of the chase.

There is nothing wrong with you or your body, he's just had what he wanted, and has now probably lost interest.

Beamur · 07/12/2021 11:22

@Idiot2021

Maybe, just maybe, he’s not ghosting you but rather he realises he has now muddled the waters between his professional and personal life and he’s struggling to know what the best thing to do is. I think if it was me, I would leave it alone and just carry on professionally and then maybe in the new year, after some time has passed, you could offer a chat to see how he’s feeling? I could be very wrong, I do always seem to see the best in people! Good luck!
I wondered this too. Don't text him OP. If he's genuine he will be in contact again once the interview is out of the way. If he doesn't, then unfortunately you will have been strung along. It happens, sometimes we make the wrong choices for the right reasons. You've done nothing wrong. It may be awkward short term, but keep your contact polite and professional and it will blow over. If he has just used you, it really says more about him than you. But, it's good advice to be wary of starting relationships at work.
Constellationstation · 07/12/2021 11:22

No way! Don’t try and get an explanation out of him! I think you should just carry on with your job as if it hasn’t happened. He’s the one in the wrong. You’ll get over this eventually, there’s no need to jeopardise your career because of it.

TooBigForMyBoots · 07/12/2021 11:23

What sort of explanation do you want @whatdoidonow11?Sad

Constellationstation · 07/12/2021 11:24

Sorry, what I mean about jeopardising your career is there’s no need to leave your job over this

RatherBeRiding · 07/12/2021 11:25

I honestly wouldn't contact him - at all. If he wanted more than a brief fling he would be contacting you. But he's not. You won't get an explanation but you could potentially make the workplace situation even messier and awkward.

Accept it for what it obviously was to him - a brief fling. Keep your self respect and walk away. Treat him as your manager and nothing else.