Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

Bluntness100

“whatdoidonow11
I'm going for a few days, back Monday, back at work Tuesday. Thanks for the advice and replies. I'll bow out now.”

That’s not a few days, it’s going for a day. Arrive sat, spend sun, leave Monday.

Is this all some form of fantasy op?

Screaming. 😂 Just let it go Hetty Wainthrop.

The brutal, judgy tone from so many posters on here is staggering! It comes across as if you're revelling in the uncomfortable situation this perfectly normal sounding woman has found herself in.

OP, compared to a lot of similar accounts on here over the years, you come across to me as just a nice, reasonable person who's absolutely right to feel the way you do.

Almost all the advice on here seems to disregard the fact that he asked you to stay for a few days. That is significant compared to a quick sh*g after a work drink.

Also, you're being accused again and again of feeling 'entitled' to a relationship, when you were just hoping for one and would like clarification, which is COMPLETELY reasonable of you!

Mumsnet can be such a great source of support for people in far more difficult situations than you, but in your case it's unfortunately leading you down a very, very wrong path.

I think you'll get your clarification soon, and it might even sway towards a positive one IMO.

*That’s not a few days, it’s going for a day. Arrive sat, spend sun, leave Monday.

Is this all some form of fantasy op?*

Plus she says she has tests booked, if you're going tomorrow surely they'd be done by now? How does it even work for they way back? Will
You be getting rested for the return flight as soon as you land?

And unless you're going alone for one day, it sounds like you do have family/friends? Nothing wrong with going alone but even stranger to go for a day!

@dogmandu

honestly op this is getting so bizarre I'm wondering if you're just falling off the chair laughing at all the responses and that this is not a serious thread at all?

Apologies if I'm wrong but I'm looking for a logical update from you and some indication that you've understood the advice.

The OP owes you nothing! She’s probably planning her weekend break, not worrying whether she’s satisfied your idle curiosity.

The OP owes you nothing! She’s probably planning her weekend break, not worrying whether she’s satisfied your idle curiosity

That's what she should be doing but she doesn't seem to be in that mindset

@Bluntness100

As your manager, he schmoozed his way into your confidence at a time when he KNEW you were feeling vulnerable and alone. Had sex with you, it doesn't matter if you instigated it, things were leading that way anyway and he had set the scene and then he ended it without even saying so shortly after, leaving you in a quandary and having to work out for yourself that it was over

Some of these posts are just scarey, ended what? There was nothing to end, they weren’t in a romantic relationship she was not his girlfriend. And yes it does matter she instigated it, saying she instigated but he schmoozed his way in so it’s his fault, is just weird. If anything she shmoozed her way in.

Frankly bluntness I think that your posts are scary. You seem to be completely void of normal human empathy and emotion. If you are are sleeping with your employee, then the nature of your relationship has changed - and so yes, there is something to end. Maybe for you sex is the equivalent of eating a packet of crisps, but for a lot of people it's as much emotional as it it physical. This man is her manager and has a responsibility to talk to her, clear the air, and ensure that she is not left feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

Sorry @MidnightMeltdown But I feel that @Bluntness100 is pretty much spot on with her take on this. I agree with her, so call me names too if that helps.
Maybe it's you who is the scary one?

@Ticksallboxes

The brutal, judgy tone from so many posters on here is staggering! It comes across as if you're revelling in the uncomfortable situation this perfectly normal sounding woman has found herself in.

OP, compared to a lot of similar accounts on here over the years, you come across to me as just a nice, reasonable person who's absolutely right to feel the way you do.

Almost all the advice on here seems to disregard the fact that he asked you to stay for a few days. That is significant compared to a quick sh*g after a work drink.

Also, you're being accused again and again of feeling 'entitled' to a relationship, when you were just hoping for one and would like clarification, which is COMPLETELY reasonable of you!

Mumsnet can be such a great source of support for people in far more difficult situations than you, but in your case it's unfortunately leading you down a very, very wrong path.

I think you'll get your clarification soon, and it might even sway towards a positive one IMO.

Totally - at some point it’s just descended into badgering the OP and repeating the same entrenched opinion again and again. Some posters actually sound quite panicked and desperate that she’s just got a nice fun weekend planned and there’s no more material to kick her with - to the extent they’ve started picking apart her holiday plans. 😂 Makes you think some people are just angry and need to get a life.

The OP owes you nothing! She’s probably planning her weekend break, not worrying whether she’s satisfied your idle curiosity

Sorry to have upset you Rigatonini. This is my opinion after reading all the responses on here. Just as you have given your opinion as is your perfect right, I have given mine.

@weddingdilemmma

The OP owes you nothing! She’s probably planning her weekend break, not worrying whether she’s satisfied your idle curiosity

That's what she should be doing but she doesn't seem to be in that mindset

Well she’s just said that she’s going to try to have a nice weekend and is now bowing out of the thread so I think that’s pretty much that.

I'm looking for a logical update from you and some indication that you've understood the advice

Why, just let it go. Entitled much. 😂

I'm going for a few days, back Monday, back at work Tuesday. Thanks for the advice and replies. I'll bow out now.

Well. What on earth was the last 28 pages about?

Frankly bluntness I think that your posts are scary. You seem to be completely void of normal human empathy and emotion. If you are are sleeping with your employee, then the nature of your relationship has changed - and so yes, there is something to end. Maybe for you sex is the equivalent of eating a packet of crisps, but for a lot of people it's as much emotional as it it physical. This man is her manager and has a responsibility to talk to her, clear the air, and ensure that she is not left feeling awkward and uncomfortable

Yes, I am a robot who shags like they are eating a bag of crisps 🤣 and no there is nothing to end. He is talking to her, he’s even told her she’s great apparently

Do keep up, if you stop focusing on personal attacks you may find it easier, 😁

Utterly bizarre and I’ve been v sympathetic to OP throughout. Nobody owes anyone on these boards of course.

*That’s not a few days, it’s going for a day. Arrive sat, spend sun, leave Monday.

Is this all some form of fantasy op?*

Stop bullying.

You're nasty, as many other posters have called you out of in this thread alone, and I've seen it on other threads too.

@Allsortsofroses

*That’s not a few days, it’s going for a day. Arrive sat, spend sun, leave Monday.

Is this all some form of fantasy op?*

Stop bullying.

You're nasty, as many other posters have called you out of in this thread alone, and I've seen it on other threads too.

@Allsortsofroses Sorry, but it's not bullying to query an overseas trip that isn't actually possible in the timescale the OP described, bearing in mind PCR testing practise.

And the OP was talking of taking time off sick next week just a few posts back, but said nothing about her planned holiday.

There is a lot on this thread that raises my eyebrows and it's simply odd that the OP disappears in response to a simple question about dates and PCRs.

@Bluntness100

Frankly bluntness I think that your posts are scary. You seem to be completely void of normal human empathy and emotion. If you are are sleeping with your employee, then the nature of your relationship has changed - and so yes, there is something to end. Maybe for you sex is the equivalent of eating a packet of crisps, but for a lot of people it's as much emotional as it it physical. This man is her manager and has a responsibility to talk to her, clear the air, and ensure that she is not left feeling awkward and uncomfortable

Yes, I am a robot who shags like they are eating a bag of crisps 🤣 and no there is nothing to end. He is talking to her, he’s even told her she’s great apparently

Do keep up, if you stop focusing on personal attacks you may find it easier, 😁

Personal attacks? You mean like the way that you just quoted someone say that their posts were scary? Pot, kettle, black.

His reticence could have been him woried about your exuberance about the relationship which may have concerned him.

If he thought he wasn't in control and thought it could affect his job by you becoming upset if it didn't work out.

You did seem pretty exited and then angry in your response and this is his livlihood.
Maybe it would be best to keep things as professional as possible.

@dogmandu

honestly op this is getting so bizarre I'm wondering if you're just falling off the chair laughing at all the responses and that this is not a serious thread at all?

Apologies if I'm wrong but I'm looking for a logical update from you and some indication that you've understood the advice.

Other people aren't answerable to you.

Asking for advice doesn't does not make you beholden.

Watch your tone please.

@yummypumpkin
Watch your tone please.

I could say the same at your rude and offensive response. Don't speak to me like that!

I'm just cringing more and more regardless

No need to cringe. It's all part of life's rich pattern. You win some, you lose some. No real harm done. Hold your head up.

Apparently he's in work all week next week....I want to call in sick. I don't think I can do this..

Now then. Come on. You might think I've been a bit unkind up until now. Please know that I speak from experience of having been there. So do most of us. We aren't hard hearted, we just don't want you to prostrate yourself at the alter of a man who isn't worth it. You are better than that.

If you don't go to work he will TOTALLY KNOW WHY. Maybe he'll feel a bit guilty, or maybe he's a bit freaked out by the intensity of your feelings, or maybe he's geting a kick out of knowing he's messing with your head. Either way it won't change the outcome with him so STOP IT. Brush your hair, put your lippy on, smile and go to work. Don't let him see he has got to you.

I had a similar situation many years ago, at a time when I was also a bit confused and vulnerable. I was young but was trying to extricate myself from an 8 year relationship that had gone really wrong and was terrified of being single. I didn't know how to be, so I think I was looking for a man to rescue me and be my reason to leave.

Although i don't think the man in question necessarily targeted me in a cynical way because I was vulnerable, I think it was just a case of bad timing. I think he really liked me to start with but once I got involved with him I became way too intense, way too quickly. It was all very drama laden and he didn't need the hassle. Had he been madly in love with me I suppose nothing would have been too much trouble, but clearly he wasn't, so it frightened the life out of him. I certainly didn't play it cool or take it slow, or do any of the things that would absolutely be my advice now, as a much older, more experienced, less screwed up woman than I was then.

He did get back in touch with me a year or so down the line when I was finally separated from my ex and we rekindled a 'thing' of sorts for a short while. But by then I knew I was just the FWB and was just entertainment for him while he had no-one better to focus on. Thankfully I pulled myself together and walked away before he had a chance to break my heart a second time.

I don't think he was completely blameless in taking advantage, but I am also aware that I made mistakes and said and did some needy and embarrassing things things that I cringe at now.

Don't be that person. i say that with kindness.

@weddingdilemmma

*That’s not a few days, it’s going for a day. Arrive sat, spend sun, leave Monday.

Is this all some form of fantasy op?*

Plus she says she has tests booked, if you're going tomorrow surely they'd be done by now? How does it even work for they way back? Will
You be getting rested for the return flight as soon as you land?

And unless you're going alone for one day, it sounds like you do have family/friends? Nothing wrong with going alone but even stranger to go for a day!

It's perfectly possible to go to Spain for the weekend. Stay eg Barcelona, Malaga, Alicante - early Friday flight, taxi to your hotel - you are there for a late lunch! Fly back Monday morning . Bit of winter sun - I thoroughly recommend it!

I'm sure that if you are staying in a city it's not difficult to arrange your pre-flight tests .

I cant believe this has descended into folk questioning whether OP is really going to Spain. What possible reason is there to make this fiction up? It simply makes no sense when she can just stop responding