Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

I think he knew, in a lot of detail, that you were vulnerable and should have left you alone but nevertheless, it was consensual sex after your invitation to drinks so I'm not sure what HR would do, unless office relationships policy has been breached in which case you'd be putting yourself in the frame too.

I actually like hivemindneeded 's suggestion of trying to clear the air in principle. However, unfortunately i don't think this will work seeing as this guy has assiduously avoided you and only does 2 days in the office. I suspect he will either brush it off or ignore. Which is because he is immature and ungracious, despite his age.

My advice would be to please not text him again (except about work, and use work channels for that where possible). There is no worthwhile explanation, he lost interest after sex. It's shittier because he knew you were vulnerable and was in a position of power but I don't think that changes the bare bones.

With any luck he will get this other job and leave, but even if not I think you need to brazen this out. Be cool and polite at work. Seek out other opportunities if you like but don't take a pay cut or act as though you've done anything wrong, you haven't.

Sounds like you need some bolstering in other areas, could you work on your social life so you do have confidants out of work?

No need to resign. You had different expectations of the relationship. He's been unprofessional, you knew the risks of getting involved with your boss.

Move on, forget about it and do your job.

@whatdoidonow11

I'm cringing now at the text I sent a couple of days ago wishing him luck for his interview.... 🙄

Nah don’t worry about it. Nothing to cringe about.

Can understand you wanting to clear the air and have a ‘debrief’ with him.

On the one hand, you’re both adults, you flirted and had sex. You wanted it to go further, he by the sounds of it panicked about the implications of what had happened. Hence the sudden shutdown in communication.

However, the way you’re feeling clearly isn’t just because you had a ONS that didn’t go anywhere – you’ve said yourself if it was a random you wouldn’t be bothered.

It’s because it’s your manager and as your manager you’re also placing trust in him to look out for your welfare and take honour that responsibility towards you. It’s confusing and upsetting for him to have offered himself as a confidante and support and then withdrawn that support and gone distant on you. You’re both adults yes, and you’re not ‘his victim’, however he has abused his position here, and he is behaving rather disappointingly.

This could have been avoided if he’d simply sent a message or had a conversation being straight that he is not looking for a relationship and doesn’t want things to continue further. His going quiet has made the situation awkward, completely unnecessarily. That shows a lack of character on his part.

In theory having a conversation to clear the air and ‘debrief’ is a good idea, but only if he would be willing to engage. Given he’s shown a childish kind of awkwardness about things already, it doesn’t seem certain you can rely on him to respond well and have that conversation in a way that would leave things feeling resolved for you.

I would leave it be if it were me I think. He’s already given you a message that he wants things to be strictly work-related from now in (I’ve avoided the word professional as I don’t think he’s being that). Just be cool, breezy and polite, and put it down to experience.

I really feel for you as it is not a nice situation to be in, and these things wipe you out a bit for a short while! Especially draining when you just felt you were recovering from a tough time and he’s presented himself as a bit of an anchor for you.

Don’t take it personally though – his unnecessarily awkward post-shag behaviour reflects on him and not you. It’s a bit drama llama. If possible, I would try to find activities to do outside of work to buoy you a bit, take your mind off things and have some positive interactions to balance out and take your mind off this. Look out for other work opportunities and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are not trapped (eg your old place is an option if you end up feeling really stuck where you are).

@whatdoidonow11

Should I contact him after his interview to see if I can get some sort of explanation, or just leave it now? I feel so confused and hurt, like there's something wrong with me. I honestly don't think I can just leave it. I'm not going to get angry, but just ask kindly - I don't really care about whether I should or shouldn't. I don't think I deserved this

No!

Don't contact him about anything other than necessary work things.

You've got to do something to stop yourself feeling all that shame/guilt/sorrow/neediness.

Was the sex good?
Did you enjoy yourself?

Then that was all good in and of itself. It need not be anything else. A good rut... nothing more.

File it under "oops but fun!" and move on, in your job. With nothing for him othere than cool professionalism!

You're not stupid so don't say that. You fancied him, ye slept together. It isn't going to go any further. It is very disappointing but I don't think I'd be texting him again and just speak to him very casually/ professionally

It may not be about him liking you or not liking you, and certainly nothing wrong with you, he’s probably just freaking out as he knows it was unprofessional and a bad idea.
Would you even want to take things further with him? Can’t see how that would work with your jobs? And it’s relatively early days since your marriage breakdown.

1. You definitely DONT need to resign over this, at all.
2. Do not under any circumstances send any more messages for any reason

I would be stone cold from now on towards him, and the onus is now on him to fix this and not the other way around op. He has behaved in a disgraceful way and treated you in an appalling way. Sit back and wait for him to address the situation. Say nothing at all, and pretend nothing has happened. He will either follow your lead and this will be forgotten, or he start a conversation with you about it and you can tell him you were disappointed by his behaviour.

Either way this 'relationship' whatever it is does not sound like it has legs, and I would be looking to join the gym/clubs/hobby groups and book clubs to meet new friends and people and chalk this up to experience.

Agree it’s an ‘oops but fun’ moment
Try to reframe it not as him rejecting you but it generally just being a bad idea.

He got carried away with you, but only for his own short term fun, and won't be interested in your texts to him at all.

I have a feeling this might be a legal/ accountancy type environment. If so, it's not uncommon for managers to use a position of advantage in this way. I'm not saying it's only men (before I get any NAMALT type replies) but having been a woman in a managerial position attracted to a junior colleague, I've always given some thought to the consequences of any potential action - and not taken that action as a result. I know from other women they've done similar. Whereas men will often act, then get uncomfortable resulting in this kind of abrupt ghosting, and create a really awkward atmosphere.

I suspect OP that if he'd either called a halt to it politely before things got beyond a little flirting, OR had the balls to sit you down afterwards and say look, I've really enjoyed the time we've spent but I'm not ready to take it further (insert meaningless platitude here) you probably wouldn't feel so bad.

My concern for you is more that either over Christmas or early in the New Year, once he's at a loose end, he'll try and pick up contact again as though nothing's happened.

It's really hurtful. I'd see if there is any chance of an internal move in the New Year, look for another job, or at the very least try and plan any WFH days when he's in the office so you don't have to see the twat in person.

Don’t contact him asking for an explanation. He fancied you enough to have sex with you but doesn’t want anything more. That is your explanation. You can’t force him to like you more than he does.

@TooBigForMyBoots

You should do what he has done: accept it was a mistake, forget about it and keep your professional life professional.

You and he had consensual sex. You are not his victim.

Yes, this or look for a new job. Don't go to HR.

OP,
1.Stop beating yourself up over this.

1. Do not contact him again unless it is essential.
2. If you can't 'go grey rock' and brazen it out, look for another job.
3. Don't tell anyone or badmouth him (apart from here) as that could rebound on you.
4. Learn from this and next time make sure you and the guy are on the same page before DTD.

In reality OP just leave it. A number of us will have had encounters in the office which we later come to regret, or where in the cold light of day a sexual encounter does not turn into a relationship. I did this with a Manager early on in my career. It lasted a few weeks and then he cut me dead. It did hurt, but I just wrote it off to experience. I would not be calling HR- unless there is a really clear HR policy which bans relationships between Managers and Staff then they may not do anything, and if they discipline him would that make you happy?

@OwlInBatter

Is he a dickhead? Or is he just doing what countless people up and down the country in workplaces do every day of the year?

You initiated this OP and it is what it is. You're not a victim and I'm puzzled why you expected more from him.

Just ignore him. Be polite and professional if your paths have to cross. Do not initiate any contact, no matter how relevant you think it is

It's time to claw some dignity back so no more chasing

He is a dickhead. When OP sent her perfectly nice and normal messages he should have replied saying 'I had a nice time too but maybe we shouldn't take it any further given we work together'

Of course he won't do that because he is keeping OP on the back burner for the next time he fancies a few days of sex.

I wouldn't dream of contacting HR. I like my job and want to stay. I think that by making it clear I want to stay, I'm doing myself a favour and showing that im not letting this get to me. I can't really go any higher in my role but equally I do not want to take a pay cut.
Talking about it has helped. I almost told a colleague at work but quickly realised I cannot do that.

@Brainwave89 would you mind telling me how you got over it? Did you try and contact him or just leave it? Was it awkward for a long time at work?

He is a dickhead. When OP sent her perfectly nice and normal messages he should have replied saying 'I had a nice time too but maybe we shouldn't take it any further given we work together'

Exactly

That's a nice, sensible post from @TheRigatonini. Read it, OP, and think about what it says. Be nice to yourself.

Did this years ago. Just really really acted like I didn’t care. Until I didn’t.

Did it twice with different people (slow leaner!). One came crawling back, the other didn’t. I ignored both.

He’s a chancer. He’s got cold feet and panicked abut work, esp with interview coming up. I bet he is in contact over Christmas !!!

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Concentrate on the bad things about him until you give yourself ‘the ick’

I agree with those saying he took advantage of you. Yes you're a grown woman but he should know better.

He's got what he wanted.

I would lick your wounds and give him a very wide berth.

If he's successful with the interview would that mean promotion within the same business or will he be moving on to pastures new? Would he still be in direct line management over you? If not, you could stay in your current role and he moves on.

He sounds like a right catch. How horrid he is to pump & dump. Luckily, he’s shown you who he really is so believe him & thank your lucky stars you had a near miss.

So immature of him to ghost you after sex. What a twat

He is a dickhead. When OP sent her perfectly nice and normal messages he should have replied saying 'I had a nice time too but maybe we shouldn't take it any further given we work together'

Of course he won't do that because he is keeping OP on the back burner for the next time he fancies a few days of sex.

This, I think for me. He might not be responding, but hasn't actually drawn a line under it.

Ignore him. Just act like you don't care. You will get to the point of not caring. Every time your mind wanders over to thinking about him - distract yourself.

If he gets back in touch in a non-work way just ignore. Respond to work texts only. If he pulls the innocent 'why aren't you talking to me?' routine - just respond (once) that you now want to keep things professional.

My advice would be not to contact him, unless essential for a work purpose only.

If he gets the promotion, will you no longer be working together? That could be a good thing in the circumstances. Learn the lesson, don’t risk putting yourself in this position again, it’s just not worth the stress.

I think he has probably panicked, thinks a relationship between the two of you, will be frowned upon by senior management. People in workplaces soon get wind of things even if you think you have been discreet. Or could be he is not ready for a full on relationship, so soon after his divorce.

Good luck OP, just cool it, and definitely do not message him.